The lies you love, p.5
The Lies You Love, page 5
“So am I. We really could have had something.”
I think about what Ramsey said and flail. “Wait!” I rush from behind the desk and trip over the box I was unpacking. “Wait,” I say again, steadying myself. “I really am sorry.” When I’m this close, his scent eviscerates any hesitations. I tuck my hair behind my ear and try to breathe normally. “I don’t do this. The after. I don’t do it very well.” I chance a glance up at him. “I don’t do it at all, actually.”
He folds his arms and looks away, but not before letting his gaze roam over my body, undressing me with his eyes. The sensuality of the small motion makes me shiver. How am I supposed to get through a conversation with him when he looks like sex on legs? “Well, you do a lot of other things well,” Beck deadpans. A lot, he mouths, silently raising both eyebrows.
I close my eyes. “Thanks, I think. I’m Auden,” I say, voice trembling. “Why don’t we start over? This is my store.” I wave an arm out to the side.
“If you never do this,” he says, motioning between our bodies. “Why start now?”
“Because you’re right,” I counter. “We could have something. Last night wasn’t normal for a lot of reasons, but it’s because it wasn’t normal that I think we should start over.”
“In broad daylight?” he asks, though I can tell there’s hesitation. “Not hidden under the cover of darkness?”
Reminding myself of my friend’s worries, I bluster on fact or fiction, who knows. “Yes,” I say, but before I can elaborate, the door chimes and a customer walks in. It’s Roxanne. She comes in weekly to see if I have any new merchandise for her French bulldog, Gypsy. “Morning,” I say, moving out of the way so she can come in. Beckett moves only one step, never taking his eyes off me. “I was just stocking the pink rack over there with new sweaters,” I announce.
“How’s your pup doing?” Roxanne asks.
I lie and tell her he’s doing great. I mention that the new dog park is finished, knowing full well her precious Gypsy will never set foot in it. Pets are my business, so I have to know everything. “There’s also baked gourmet treats by the register. They baked gold flakes into them.”
Her eyes light up, and I know she’ll buy the whole box. This normal distraction is welcome, but I can tell my customer is uneasy with the humongous gorgeous man leering in the corner.
“What about you? You have a dog?” she asks Beck. Her eyes bore into him, not at all flustered by everything he is putting off.
He shakes his head. “I came here for the jewelry,” he deadpans, eyes flat, and voice monotone. I cover a laugh, and I can see his lips twitch, but Roxanne looks even more nervous than she did a moment before.
“I’ll just take a sweater and the entire box of those treats. Gypsy has a puppy play date next week, and they’ll make the most darling gifts for her friends.”
“Sparkle-infused dog shit is kind of a gift for their owners, too,” Beck inserts, still with his scary voice.
Roxanne mouths the words, are you okay, while I’m processing her card. I nod once and smile brightly. “Next week I have some designer collars coming in. Stop by.”
She scurries out, clutching her purse and her purchases against her chest like a shield.
“You can’t do that,” I say as soon as the door closes. “She’s one of my best customers. She’s kind and loyal. She tells all her friends to come here and shop.”
“Sorry, I guess I never really do this,” he says.
I huff. “Beck, I’m sorry for giving you a fake name, but honestly, did you think you’d see me again after last night?”
He strides forward, and I tremble a little. Now that Roxanne is gone, I’ve lost the distraction and my mind. I can still see his body naked, feel his thick girth in between my legs. I’m throbbing and still wet from the sex-a-thon last night. I’ll be wet for a week!
“I wanted to. I even told you I could see you for a month before I have to go back to work.”
“What do you do?” I narrow my eyes. “It sounds like bullshit, you know?”
Beckett cracks his neck both left and right. “I’m in the private sector. Think of it like the military. When I’m here, I’m here, and when I’m away, I’m unreachable, nonexistent. It’s why I don’t do more than one month stands.” He rubs the five o’clock shadow on his chin and it reminds me that I can still feel the stubble burn on my inner thighs. “Why don’t you do more than one-night stands?” He gave me something, so I should as well.
This is where I should pepper him with questions to get more information, but what’s the point, really? If we can only have something for a singular month, even if he’s telling the truth, it’s still not ideal. I swallow down the lump in my throat that rises anytime Walker arrives to the conversation. There is nothing to lose with Beckett, I realize. He will never be more to me. He can’t. It makes Beck safe in my twisted mind.
“I have a habit of turning men gay,” I say, watching his face closely.
He narrows his eyes. “I need a bit more to go on here,” he deadpans.
“Walker,” I say, feeling a bitter taste fill my mouth. “He was my boyfriend for six years. He was, well, he was gay. Instead of marriage like I expected after all those years, he just left.” I clear my throat and break my gaze. “And when I say left, I mean I haven’t heard from him since he left. You’d think because he is gay, he’d want to be my friend after, right? I knew him better than anyone else.”
Beck bites his lip. “You really think it’s your fault he left you? That he’s gay? You know you can’t turn someone gay. People are born that way.”
I shake my head. “No. It’s just the joke I tell people to keep it light. Facts are, I didn’t see it coming. There wasn’t any indication even looking back now.” I can’t look at his face while he’s biting his lip or doing anything with his mouth. My stomach fills with butterflies. “So, I do one-night stands because there’s no threat of heartbreak.”
When I say it out loud, I realize how dysfunctional my habit is. A normal woman would be dating. Trying to get back out there to find a man worth her love. A normal woman wouldn’t rely on one-night stands to fulfill a deep-seated longing.
He inhales deeply and puts his hands in his pockets. “I see.”
“Do you, really? Most would only see a woman hung up on her ex.”
He shrugs. “I don’t judge anyone’s reasons for doing things. Humans are a complex species. Rarely can you guess why anyone does anything.”
“If you do understand, maybe you can forgive me for not telling you my real name.”
He looks pained as he shifts from one foot to the other. “This is more complicated than you know and has little to do with you giving a fake name to a stranger you met at the bar.”
I press my lips together. “It’s fine. We had an awesome night. This can be the end of it. I wouldn’t hold it against you if you don’t want to see me again or if you can’t accept my apology.”
Beck runs his hands through his hair, and I watch his biceps flex at the movement. “Of course, I accept your apology, and this has nothing to do with your past.”
A caustic laugh slips. “Oh, now I get it. It’s an it’s not you, it’s me type of thing?”
The man, who towers over me, closes the distance between us and doesn’t stop until I can feel his breaths and his body heat steeping the air between us. “I want you. I want you for as long as I can have you, but when I go back when the month is up, I will have to give you up completely. If the sex was even half as good for you as it was for me, you’ll understand how walking away from it will be difficult. It is a me thing and not a you thing. When I’m working, I have to be all the way on. I can’t be thinking about fucking your pussy.”
My core clenches at the tone of his voice, at the directness of his words. I’m holding my breath, and when I try to catch it, my chest presses against his body—a reminder of how much my last relationship cost me. “If you’re willing to sacrifice good sex for a what-if, just walk away right now. This can be over.” I don’t even believe the words coming out of my mouth.
He smirks at me.
“Or we can start over. Come to lunch with me. Meet my friend, Ramsey.”
At that, the lust haze seems to snap. Beckett takes several steps away from me, his face changes completely. “I, uh, forgot I have to do something,” he says.
Is it fear? Or something else lurking in his gaze.
“I’m really sorry.”
“Did I say something wrong?”
He shakes his head, looks at the huge wooden photo of me on the wall. “No, no. This really is me, not you.”
He makes another move for the door, but another customer comes in, so he’s able to vanish around the corner quicker than I can stop him. I feel like I might vomit or pass out, or something equally as horrible. I opened up to him. I didn’t think it would end in any other way, though. I mean, maybe more sex. More sex would have been nice. Men like that don’t want women like me for more than that, though. I am damaged goods, plain and simple.
Beckett validated all the negative thoughts that trail through my mind on the daily.
I’m broken, and men will always leave. After six years, or after twelve hours.
Men leave. They never choose me.
CHAPTER FIVE
Beck
What the fuck am I doing? What the fuck am I doing? What the fuck am I doing! I rush down the street away from Auden and the complications that I knew were coming the second I woke up and saw the damn bird laying on the windowsill. In the light of day, without any distractions, I knew who Annie truly was. The confirmation when I saw the necklace dangling in the store window and then the portrait hanging on the wall cemented how sex-crazed I’d become after a month of all work and no play. I had a full night fuck fest, the best of my life no less, with Ramsey’s best friend. This is way too close for comfort.
How did I not know last night? Was it the granny costume? Was I so horny that my blinders rendered me a complete moron? Too drunk? I don’t know if I were able to take back last night that I would. Even now, walking away, I know I’m not going to be able to stay away from her all month. Not even if I find a willing woman this very second. I circle back to my mantra. What the fuck am I doing? I’d never paid attention to Auden. I never looked at her face to face. My exposure to her is limited to seeing her at a distance and an old surveillance photo that was included in Ramsey’s Principal file. There was never energy expended on knowing Auden or wondering what she looked like up-close. Hell, I didn’t even know her background other than the pet store and her address. I inhale a deep breath to clear my mind knowing nothing will erase the memory of last night. This is something I’m going to think about for a long time. I’ve dealt with worse—Charge Man training. Auden’s siren call can’t be stronger than my code of ethics.
Taking my phone from my jeans pocket, I call Griffin, his voice is gruff and groggy when he answers. “Where are you?” I ask.
“We’re about to grab breakfast. Do you want to join us, or are you still busy?” I can hear the smile in his voice. “With your grandma.”
“I’ll meet you. Where?” I keep my response clipped. Getting into any conversation about Auden right now would be bad. I have to calm down and control my thoughts. I realize it crosses my wires because I’m supposed to be off right now, but this woman is so connected in Ramsey’s life that there’s no escaping. I read Grey’s nightly report this morning before I left, and after I knew why Annie reeked of familiarity. It made my skin crawl. I could have landed in the report today if I’d gone to lunch with Auden to meet Ramsey. Grey would know. Everyone would know. It’s more embarrassing because I should have known. I should have been aware and stopped it.
Griffin gives me an address that I commit to memory, and I head that way. It’s a long walk, but I need to think. I should call home and talk to my folks. I should do anything other than be alone with my thoughts right now. I didn’t break any Charge Men rules. Relationships with our Principals are forbidden, but there isn’t any guidance on relationships with their best friend. Sure, it would complicate everything because I’d be forced to meet Ramsey in real life, but would it be impossible to balance? Lexington changed the rules because he deemed a life outside of guarding was necessary for our health. Blowing out a breath, I remind myself I’m not doing anything wrong. I think. I know Grey will be pissed as fuck having to deal with the consequences of this via his proximity, but he’ll get over it eventually.
Can I have Auden in a meaningful way? Is it a liability getting close to Ramsey by proxy of getting close to Auden? No decisions are made as I walk into the restaurant and scan the room to find my friends. They’re easy to spot—a table filled with men in the corner. Their energy is less vibrant than last night, but seeing them relieves me all the same.
Ronan, the groom, looks like a bag of garbage that’s roasting in the sun. Clapping his shoulder, I take an empty chair next to him. “You must be ready to walk down the aisle and be done with this, huh? Never thought going out with the guys would be worse than the ole’ ball and chain?”
He groans, wrapping one arm around his stomach. “Don’t talk about last night. I’m never drinking again.”
Griffin injects, “He means he’s not drinking until the Bloody Marys arrive. The party is already starting back up.”
“I’m not drinking. You’re insane,” Ronan argues. “Get as drunk as you want, but count me out.”
Chuckling under my breath, I drag a menu over to examine it. It’s one of those places that serves a little bit of everything. “This is your party, how are we supposed to count you out?” I ask.
Griffin signals for the waitress as she carries a tray filled with brunch-worthy alcoholic drinks. She drops the drinks off, and Griffin orders food. I order two full meals because I’m starving. Food is my other favorite part during my off months. When I’m guarding Ramsey, my food is clean and fast, without much thought. She leaves, wiggling her ass more than when she came over.
“Everyone wants to know. Tell us about last night. What did she look like under the grandma get up?” Ronan asks, trying to change the subject.
I exhale noisily and run a hand through my hair. If I clam up, they’ll know something is amiss, but spilling too many details feels wrong. I want to keep Auden to myself, and now there are multiple reasons. “She was hot,” I deadpan, lifting and lowering my shoulders. “Have you talked to Tess this morning?”
His bride-to-be can’t be happy about the festivities last night. He was piss drunk both times she called to check in.
Ronan groans. “She’s pissed. but she went buck wild at her bachelorette, so I know she’ll get over it.” The look in his eyes isn’t convincing. “Hot and what else?”
“It was a one-night stand,” I argue. “What more is there to say other than she was hot and I got my dick wet.”
Griffin is watching me intently, while Ronan just looks jealous. “I’ll never see her again. It was a scavenger hunt conquest. I’ll find another chick tonight.” It’s what I’d usually do on my month off, but after last night I’m certain nothing else will stack up. Ramsey’s best friend.
“One that doesn’t look like a grandma.” I add the last sentence to lighten the mood.
Griffin narrows his eyes. “How are your parents? Your brother-in-law? It’s been a while since we caught up.” He’s throwing me a bone, but not really. Talking about my family is a pain in my ass, too.
“It’s been exactly a month since we caught up last,” I say, grinning. “It’s always a month.”
There is downtime when I’m on shift with Ramsey but I choose to keep my lives separate because it helps me perform better on the job. “Mom and Dad are okay. Stef is living with them, still trying to pick up the pieces.”
My sister, Maisey, was struck by a stray bullet in a bank robbery. She died after a week on life support, and the criminal was never caught. Her death, the life I couldn’t protect, is the reason I became a Charge Man. If I can protect the innocent as my career, maybe I can forgive myself for not saving the one person who meant the most to me. My brother-in-law has been hospitalized in a mental institution multiple times since her death. Stefan was a romantic. One of those people who believe there is one person for everyone, and when lightning strikes, it only hits once, deep and true. In his eyes, there’s no one else for him. Maisey was that woman for him, and struggling to overcome his loneliness and embrace it for a lifetime doesn’t sit well. Stefan and my family are in Texas, far away from me. Honestly, I should have taken this month to visit them instead of my usual itinerary. If I had, I wouldn’t have fucked myself over with Auden.
“Mom said Stef went back to college.” I clear my throat. “He wants to do something completely different now.”
Griffin’s face turns somber. “He and Maisey worked together, right?”
I nod and gulp down the water the waitress set down in front of me. “They both were financial advisers at the same firm,” I explain. “It wasn’t enough to move companies. He is trying to erase his whole life to start over. My parents are forcing him to try everything in an attempt to get him out of the house regularly. His parents left a lot to be desired, you know. Thank God, my parents are looking out for him.” Stefan is the son I couldn’t be. One who is always around.
“No friends?” he asks. Ronan has keyed into our conversation and also looks sad.
I fucking hate this, but they’re the only people I have to talk about things that happen outside of the Charge Men. This is the only version of my life I can offer. Unfortunately, it’s a shit show.
I press my lips together, wondering if I’d prefer to talk about Auden. “They shared a friend group, too, so it’s too hard for him. Maybe eventually, when he gets past the immediate breakdown, he’ll try to go back to them.”
I know he won’t. Stefan and I are similar in a few ways, the worst though? We’re both stubborn to a fault. We make a decision and stick with it.
