The lies you love, p.22
The Lies You Love, page 22
Auden huffs. “Guess that’s one thing I didn’t connect. She was your Principal. Well, that makes a lot more sense.” She slides her tongue across her lower lip and an uncontrollable urge to kiss her rears up. “So, you just fell back into a regular life, and you didn’t call me?”
Ah, more pain, except this time it consumes the room. “It was never about my job. Well at the end, it wasn’t.” The top of her scar peeks out from the top of her shirt and she catches me looking and pulls up the shirt to hide it completely.
Her eyes look wounded as she looks at me. “A lot of unfair stuff has happened to me over the course of my life, but this has to top the list.”
“Are you happy, Auden? As happy as you can be without us?”
“Is that a joke?” Auden says, tears streaking down her face. “You have to be joking. How am I supposed to be happy? Tell me?”
“I always only wanted to be worthy of your love. Please know, I never meant to hurt you. I know I broke promises—told you I’d always be there for you, and I failed you. At every turn, I was failing you. I got fired and threw myself into resuscitating this career and it helped ease the ache. Auden, you changed me. Your love changed me.”
She stands and crosses to stand in front of me. I look up, and the fluorescent lights illuminate her blonde hair. She’s cut it shorter than the last time I saw her, and my mouth dries—a desperate, thirsty man being offered the promise of water. “If it’s love like you say, how can you turn me away so easily?”
“Easily?” My voice cracks on the word because it’s ludicrous. “Nothing about this is easy for me. I-I was told you were seeing someone and you were happy.”
“And you believed them?”
“I had to, Auden. I fucked up so badly, I knew I never deserved you.” I want to touch, hold, and fuck her. It’s almost as if she knows the power she wields as she steps forward again, placing herself in between my knees. “Seeing you, fuck, it puts me back at square one.”
She nods. “I knew it would, and maybe that’s where we need to be.”
I stand, towering over her. Her gaze lights and I can read her like a fucking book. Taking one step forward, she backs up, and I take another and another until her back is against the wall. I let myself drop my defenses and pin her wrists on either side of her head. Her breath catches and her pupils dilate. Leaning in, I’m intoxicated by her scent and the warm air pushing rapidly past her shiny lips. “But,” she says, exhaling. “Only if you accept that this is my heart.”
She’s truly giving me another shot to get this right. My head is on straight and I’ve finished grieving Maisey, a task I didn’t truly start until I found out she was an organ donor. I was forced to accept that knowledge, but no one ever forced me to grieve my sister properly. The career as a Charge Man was a vendetta, a distraction. By some miracle, that deviation from life led to Maisey’s killer being caught, meeting Auden, and finally, finally a sense of peace. Releasing one of her hands, I take my palm and lightly set it on top of her chest. Her breathing is rapid, but I can feel the pounding against my skin and it means everything to me. “Actually, I don’t accept that.” She pulls back to peer into my eyes. “It’s my heart.”
A knock on the door breaks us from the moment. I back away, leaving Auden breathless by the wall. My vet tech comes in, followed by a man. Her man. “Peter, what are you doing here?” Auden says, tone guilty and suspicious.
He holds up her purse. “You forgot this in the car. Figured you’d need to pay?” He raises one brow as he looks between her and me. “She said Pork was going to pull through. I’m so sorry I didn’t pick up the grapes before I went to the bathroom.” He looks hesitant as he brushes past me to take Auden in his arms. My blood boils and my heart feels like fire is ripping through each artery. “He’s okay, babe. I saw him before I came in to make sure.”
I swallow hard. Old habits die hard, and throttling him is all I can think of. She’s mine. But she’s not. I was the dumb fuck that released her into the world. I’m the reason she’s not warming my bed. There is no one to blame for this except myself. If anything, this man is intelligent and knows what he has. My gaze falls to his hand where it rests on her waist. Auden notices and shrugs out of his grasp. “I need to fill out some paperwork.” Her cheeks are pink, but her movements are swift and awkward given the circumstances.
The man moves closer to me, suspicions growing stronger with each second. “I’m Peter,” he says, extending his hand. “Auden’s boyfriend.”
I work to swallow. “Dr. Fallon,” I say, hoping if I leave my first name out, he might not know who I am. IF they’re serious, Auden must have told him my name. With her obvious attraction and feelings still oozing out of every one of her pores… for me, he has to know he’s not going to gain any headway. “See the employee at the front desk for the paperwork,” I say out loud. Auden is already at the door. “There’s no charge for today. You get the friend discount.” I can’t help it, I really can’t. Laying claim would be foolish when they’re obviously together and close, but I can let him know there are threats about.
“Friend?” Peter asks as soon as Auden leaves the room.
Fisting my hands inside my pockets, I nod. “Auden and I have been good friends for a while.”
Peter does something completely unexpected; he closes the door and spins to face me with fear in his eyes. “So, you know her well?”
I run my tongue along my teeth. “You could say that.” Inside out, backward, every inch of her skin is a map committed to memory for all time. “Why?”
He exhales and pulls a ring box from his jacket pocket. “I’ve been trying to ask her for a week and I want it to be perfect.” My stomach flips and I feel honest to God light-headed. I lean against the cold metal examination table and hope it can hold my weight. “I want to do it tonight, but if you’ve known her a long time you’ll know if I’m out of my league here.”
I didn’t give him enough credit. He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. She said she wasn’t happy without me. I have to believe she wouldn’t say yes, but what if she does? What if this is her best backup plan? I can’t be the reason it gets fucked up. I owe her a fair shot at the life she’s always spoken about. Her dream life. This guy is ready to give it to her. I would give it to her. I would. Seeing her today confirmed that.
“Out of your league, how?” I ask, buying time to make a clear decision with my head instead of my dick.
“She’s amazing as I’m sure you know, but we aren’t intimate, and it’s because she wants to wait for marriage.” I choke on my own spit.
“Oh,” I say. This guy doesn’t have a shot in the dark. I grin, settling my nerves. “I think you just ask her. No sense waiting if you’ve wanted to ask her all week.”
“Marriage is a big deal and I’m gone all week long. The hesitation is I worry it’s selfish to ask her to be by herself all week while I’m working. Auden is perfect, she deserves only the best.”
Something we agree on. “If you love her, jobs don’t matter,” I say truthfully. Her love doesn’t lie with him. It can’t. Not after the intense energy that filled this space when we were alone. “I think you have a real shot.” Not the shot, but a shot. “Ask her.”
He’s sweating as he nods. “Thanks, man. She’s never mentioned a vet friend before. Would be handy to have someone like you on speed dial for our dog.”
“I bought her that dog,” I say, unable to hold it in.
His face changes. “Are you Beckett?”
Keeping a stoic face, I nod as he surveys my name tag for the first time. Not the most observant of humans, I think. “Oh, well this just got awkward. I had no idea.”
“It’s fine.” I grin. “I’m going to get Pork. Call the office if you have any other questions or concerns.”
He stays silent, looking at me like I’m a myth. “Oh, and good luck asking her to marry you,” I say, tone in a hushed whisper. Because you’ll need it, I think, closing the door behind me.
Auden is in the lobby with two people who must be her parents because she’s familiar and loving as she interacts with them, telling them that the dog will be okay and the treatment plan. I tell my nurse to get Pork ready to leave and to take him to the room with Peter. I want a few more moments with Auden. Her posture changes the second she sees me. “Here, here is the paperwork.” She tells me these are Pork’s grandparents.
I extend my hand to her father. “I’m Dr. Fallon,” I say, aware Auden’s mom is staring a hole in the side of my head. “It’s nice to meet you. Your daughter and I are friends.” I move on to her mom, shaking her hand. She holds a second or two longer than she should as she looks at my face intently.
“Lucky you were open and free to take care of Auden’s Pork. I don’t know what she’d do without him.”
“Mom, I’m sure Beck is busy,” Auden says, and my nickname on her lips creates that familiar stirring I’ve never experienced anywhere else. “Thanks again, Dr. Fallon.”
I know I can’t let her leave without throwing my hat in the ring, officially. The tension and connection are obvious, but I can’t chance saying nothing. “I’d love to catch up,” I say, feeling my pulse hammer against my neck. “I could stop by the store and we could go to lunch.”
“Oh, you know each other, Poppet?” her father says. “That’s wonderful. A doctor!” Auden casts an annoyed look behind her at both her parents.
Auden licks her lips and rolls her shirt between her fingers. Her mom picks up on her nervous behavior and is fully keyed in. “We do know each other,” Auden says.
“Lunch then?” I ask.
Auden crosses her feet at the ankle. “Give the man an answer,” her mother urges.
“I’m not a child,” she hisses back, smirk on her face.
Auden’s gaze meets mine. “Lunch. Sure. I have the same number.”
Pride swells, but then Peter walks into the lobby carrying Pork and Auden’s attention is completely thwarted by her dog. “Oh, they shaved your leg, you poor beast. You look so pathetic. Let’s get you home and into bed.” Pork licks her face when Peter hands him over. Auden’s dad looks at me, and I can tell he’s read the room accurately. Both of her parents have, and they both seem worried. “Nice meeting you, Peter. Auden, see you later.”
Peter looks a bit horrified as he glances between us and they leave without saying another word. Auden’s mom lingers near the door. “If you’re Mr. Impossible, you better do a little better than lunch. Peter is proposing to Auden and sometimes second-best wins due to technicalities. Would hate to see that happen.” Then she exits, leaving a hollow feeling in my chest and a permanent state of unease. How stupid have I been to wait this long?
A grand gesture, an action so big she can’t ignore it, that’s what I need to come up with. I’ve never done this before, never had the need. Then again, before Ramsey died, I was good at keeping Auden happy. If you put all of those things together it could be construed as a grand gesture. Reaching into my pants pocket I take out the plastic cardinal. I had to glue it back together, but it’s never left me. It’s broken, but it’s still here, a reminder of Maisey’s love for birds and Auden’s love for life.
I finish my day, but my heart isn’t in it. Suddenly little else matters if the possibility of a life with Auden is off the table completely. I can’t worry about saving her anymore or about being enough. Now, I just need to love her more than anyone else can.
****
Sometimes superheroes sweat. A lot. I’m not saying I’m an excellent hero, I mean, the woman I was supposed to protect is dead, and I’m solely to blame, but there’s something about making a big decision that forces everyone to feel a little more powerful than usual. I’m pacing in the hallway in front of her apartment. I showered at the office and put on the extra set of clothing I had. Jeans and a shirt. I was too nervous to go home first. I’m leasing the clinic space because there wasn’t anything closer to home. I knew seeing Auden would fuck me up, but I didn’t expect it to be like this. So, life or death.
I know she’s home because I heard her laugh from the hallway, which also probably means he’s inside with her. He travels too much. Peter can’t give her the life she deserves. Now, I’m the one who can give Auden her dreams. It took a while and a lot of horrible shit, but I’ve reached the finish line. Stop being a pussy. Stop being a pussy. Stop being a pussy. I knock on her door with a tight fist and inhale deeply, readying for the onslaught of emotions.
Auden opens the door, rendering me breathless. “I was wondering how long it was going to take for you to do it.”
“Do what?” I ask, heart leaping in my throat. How could she possibly know?
She nods at the doorbell camera. “I’ve been watching you pace for ten minutes.” Jesus, I’m not a superhero, I’m the stupid broad who dies first in the horror film. I’m losing my touch.
“I didn’t notice. God, Auden, you are so beautiful. More than beautiful.” I exhale. “It takes my breath away. Literally. I’ve missed you so much.”
She presses her lips together in a firm line—more in control of her actions than she was at my office. I’m in her space now. “Can I come inside and talk to you?” Both of her creamy, soft hands are bare. No rings. I was right, she turned him down. Or he hasn’t asked yet.
“Sure, but Peter is here now and I’m about to go to Betty’s.” Auden turns around and calls out that it’s a neighbor. She’s lying. “I’m going to bring Pork with me.”
“I’ll drive you. Please,” I beg. “How’s Pork? I can take vitals and make sure he’s doing well.”
Auden narrows her eyes. “You’re bribing me with medical skills.” Oh, there’s a double entendre if I’ve ever heard one.
“Honestly, after my office, I didn’t think I’d have to bribe you at all.”
She looks down. “I feel guilty.” Her gaze flicks up to meet mine. “Peter has been nothing but supportive while you’ve been gone. I thought about it after I left and Peter is the safe choice, Beck. He comes without baggage and he’s honest.”
I palm my chest. “I’ve always been honest with you.” The memory of leaving her at my parent’s house for a night of drunken debauchery. “I mean, about the big stuff I’ve been honest. What I could be honest about.”
Her smile is sad. “Peter has never lied about anything. When you left me, he was there. When I wasn’t enough because of something I had no control over, I was enough for him.”
“You’ve always been enough for me. Too much even. I didn’t feel like I deserved you. Please, Auden. I need you to give me another chance. This is a new me. The one who can give you everything right up front.”
Her eyes glass over. “How am I supposed to live with the fact that you cast me aside because of my heart?”
I swallow a mouth filled with spit. I’m forgetting automatic bodily functions now. “You said at the office you wanted to start over. Square one. Give me that, please. I never cast you aside, I fucking betrayed myself. I didn’t grieve my sister properly. It’s all excuses, I know, but you have to believe that every second, every minute, it’s only ever been you.” I hit my knees, folding my hands together. “I’m pleading with you. No one is going to love you like I do.”
“What are you asking?” Auden asks, voice warbling. “Be specific because I can’t do gray area anymore.”
“Your dream. Let me give you your dream.” Auden stares at me. “Please,” I add, voice shaking. “I love you.’
A lone, fat tear streaks down her face. “I can’t.”
“Why?” I can’t hide the exasperation.
Peter comes into view behind her, opening the door all the way. “Because she already agreed to marry me.”
Fuck.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Auden
The right choice and the only choice aren’t exclusive, and that’s evident as I stare blankly at the ceiling instead of getting ready for work. I’ve been in this bed for too long. Pork licks my bare foot demanding a walk.
“Fine,” I say, rolling over to slide into sweatpants and a hoodie.
My hair is a mess, but it’s shorter now, so it works. The dark circles under my eyes are so deep, I know nothing is going to fix them. I drown myself in soap during a quick shower and put the leash on Pork before stepping into my hallway and locking my door.
Once we get going, I just walk. I walk until I’m starving. I grab a cup of coffee and a corndog from a cart because you are what you eat and I’m a wreck. I only said yes to Peter because of the guilt I felt at being in love with another man. Most women would use that as a reason to say no or at least that’s what Betty said. When Beck came over, I wasn’t prepared. The things he said were the things I dreamed of hearing coming from his lips. Except they came at exactly the wrong time. Peter left that night and told me he was going to give me time to think my decision through given the new circumstances. A noble thing to grant when you think about how messed up it is. Peter encouraged me to talk to Beck. He said he wanted to give me enough space to explore all of my feelings. When I asked if that meant he was telling me to cheat on him, he shook his head and said he wouldn’t marry a woman who had any regrets. Fair, but after watching Beck crumble on the carpet in my hallway when he found out I was engaged to be married to another man, I can’t muster the courage to call him.
I give Pork the last bite of my corndog because fuck, life really is too short. I give him water from his water bottle as I chug the coffee and we continue our walk. We’re ten blocks from the pet store and I decide to head back to distract myself. I have several part-time employees now and they’ve picked up the slack while I’ve laid in my depression lair of self-pity. Oh, poor Auden, two men who want to love her forever. As I round the corner, I see him. Sitting outside the pet store his head in his hands. My heart skips a beat, which is nothing to worry about when Beckett is around. He sees me coming and his face morphs into something that resembles a smile, but it’s forced.
