The lies you love, p.21
The Lies You Love, page 21
I nod, wiping under my eyes. “We’ll be right outside if you need us,” Mom adds, squeezing my hand. The love she has for my dad transfers to me, and I understand. It was never them against me or them sharing their love with me. It’s all one big entity. I’ve never looked at it with enlightened eyes. Another gift Beck gave me.
“I love you,” I say.
They both smile and engulf me in a trio embrace. They tell me how much they love me and care about me.
“We’re so glad you’re okay. You’re the thing we love most in the world. Please don’t keep us away anymore, Auden. Please let us be here. With you.” I did that. I kept them away because I thought they were better off without dealing with my issues. I lied to myself for a long time.
“I’d love it if you guys stayed.”
“We’re glad you said that.” Dad looks at Mom. “I’ll put the offer in on the house.”
Mom smiles at him but turns it at me. “It’s close to you.”
I nod, emotion boiling over. They leave, taking their time, eyeing the detective like he’s the enemy before closing the door. He exhales long and drawn out. “Long shift?” I ask.
“You have no idea,” he says, telling me his name and what division he works with. “There are some things I have to tell you as well as some questions. I know you’re just coming around and I feel bad putting you in this position, but time is of the essence.”
The tone of his voice lends to doom and gloom. “I can try,” I reply.
“Ramsey Taerpietier isn’t who you thought she was, Auden. The version you knew was a character she wanted you to know. She was in a protection program because her family was directly involved in the cause of the economic recession. Her mother is in prison, and Ramsey should have been, too.” He rubs his forehead. “We’re trying to locate her father. Did she mention anything about her father to you? She used you for your business. Her father set up drop points in the city and Ramsey would pick up the dirty cash and then filter the money through your store to clean it, then removed it from the account she set up and sent it back to her father. From the moment you trusted her, she was depositing cash, manipulating your books, and lying to you about almost everything.” My head is spinning, but I can’t deny Ramsey could get away with it because I did trust her so much. Sure, some things she did made me question her moral compass, but nothing would have prepared me for this kind of betrayal. It was never Tess. It couldn’t have been. Ramsey lied about that too.
“So, my store isn’t doing well?”
“It is. It is, but we’ll have to close it for a bit while we figure out just how much she ran through there, okay? Ramsey was packed and ready to flee the country when you last saw her. Her father was coordinating her exit and it was set to be swift and total. You never would have seen her again. I guarantee it.” My stomach lurches. I’m unsure if it’s from hunger or because once again, my life is upside down.
I nod, but I’m finding it hard to catch my breath. I grab at my neck and feel the necklace she gave me. A gift that seemed out of place at the time now makes more sense. A thanks for being a doormat and making this easy for me present. Reaching behind my head, I unclasp it and hand it to the detective. “She gave this to me. Unfortunately, she never talked about her parents. It was always a subject she wouldn’t touch. I can tell you the names of people she associated with that seemed strange. Ramsey always called this her second life. We bonded because we both wanted to leave our pasts behind us.”
He takes the diamond-studded chain from me and rolls it around in his hand. “She brought her past into her present in almost every way. Ramsey was never your friend, Auden. Her death,” he says, clearing his throat. “Is actually a very good thing as awful as it sounds. She has done, and ordered done, some horrific acts of violence against people. We think you were targeted as soon as you registered your business. I’m sorry you got wrapped up in this. An anonymous person gave us recordings of Ramsey admitting guilt. If anything, this can be a fresh start for you.” Another one. I wonder if this guy knows my past.
I nod. “It’s a lot to take in.”
“I’m sure. You should rest. Dumping all of this on you has to be tough. Is there anything else, anything else at all you can think of that might help us?”
I shrug. “Just the names of people she’s mentioned. Maybe a list of all the men she’s hooked up with?”
He nods. “That would be helpful.” The detective hands me his card and tells me to email him when I’ve compiled the list and leaves. When I’m alone, in the cold room, my body battered, but my soul finally steadfast, I let myself miss Beck. His smile, his touch, the narrow part of his waist that always seemed inhuman in perfection. The love slips back into my heart and I let it take root there. Even if he’s never mine again, I can let his love heal me. I have to let it in so it can hurt because it’s the closest thing to magic I’ve ever experienced. That’s saying something because medical magic saved my life. If this is my last fresh start, I can’t waste a second of it.
****
“I just don’t think it’s okay for dogs to have table scraps,” Peter says, tying Pork’s leash around the tree.
My dad chuckles. “A little bit of meat isn’t going to hurt the dog, Poppet. It might make him behave better and you have to agree it would make him happier.”
“Dad, I don’t want him happy. I want him alive for as many years as possible. The vet told me people food is bad for him. Loving a pet is selfish.” Pork sits down at the edge of our oversized blanket and stares at the food Mom is taking out of the picnic basket. It’s been six months since Ramsey died and I got another new lease on life. When I started with Beck, I still hadn’t put Walker and that debacle behind me, so before I even knocked on Peter’s apartment door, I made the decision to erase Beck from my mind. It works most days—I’m not dwelling on what could have been if I didn’t have his sister’s heart, but on other days, it’s more difficult. He never came to see me after the accident, and Griffin hasn’t contacted me once. Even Tess, my only other connection to Beck, seems to have disappeared. Sometimes, I can pretend Beck never happened.
Peter has been patient with me, but I can tell he wants more, is ready to take me to bed and pelt me with four months’ worth of sexual frustration. I never planned to make him wait. I had planned to have sex with him the first night, but he was the one who turned me down. In fact, I think it was his hesitation that led me to give him a second date and a real shot, but now, as he stares down my shirt as I lean over to grab a banana, that chivalry is dead—replaced with desire. How do I know no one else will compare to that torrid, passionate, love-fueled month if I don’t try? A nagging feeling keeps me at bay. I sigh, and my mom notices. Peter distracts himself by untangling Pork.
“You seem sad about something,” Mom says, running her hand over the back of my hair. “Is something the matter?”
I shake my head. “Maybe it’s that everything seems right, or uncomplicated, and sort of easy that it makes me a little antsy.” An honest answer, and it’s earnest. I’m giving my parents everything now. I spent too many years pushing them away, and now I want it all. Every word, gentle touch, and picnic outing. “Thanks for coming, Mom. You and Dad probably had some other fun plans you had to cancel.”
“Auden, nothing will ever be as nice or fun as hanging with our only daughter.”
“I’ve said it a million times, but I really am sorry for pushing you both away after the accident.”
She shakes her head, eyes fluttering closed. “Do not even mention it. Do not apologize. You went through a lot and we kept a distance because we thought what you were asking for was what you needed. Auden, you may be grown up now, but we need you as much as you need us. We are a family.” Mom looks into my eyes. “There’s this interminable sadness about you. It’s like I’m looking at half of you these days. Is it Walker? Still? You have a booming career and Peter, what is it that’s missing? What’s causing you pain?” That evident, huh? Great.
There is one subject I haven’t opened up to my parents about mostly because I thought talking about it would set me back in my recovery. “The month where you and Dad were traveling in Italy; I was dating someone else.” Her eyes widen, but she gestures for me to go on. “Dating doesn’t define it, really. It was a little bit like our souls collided on some deeper plane.” It sounds crazy even to me. “I wanted to tell you but I knew it would end and didn’t want to disappoint you.” Peter grins at me licking his bottom lip. My stomach tightens with nerves and not an emotion more. Dread. That’s what’s keeping me from being intimate with Peter.
“Is he, is he attached to someone else?” She narrows her eyes. “What happened?”
“It doesn’t matter. The only thing that’s important is that the whole situation is impossible.”
She cocks her head. “Impossible was never a word in your vocabulary, honey. Difficulties, challenges, hurdles, sure, but you always overcame everything put in your way. The sadness in your eyes is palpable. You’re not fooling anyone.” Mom very slyly lets her gaze fall on Peter. “The longer you pretend you aren’t, the harder it will get.”
“How did you know that Dad was the one person for you. I always have these feelings about people, and I knew it was going to end with him, even if I didn’t want it to. It was like I didn’t have any control over the outcome. Something greater than us was rolling the dice and it kept coming out snake eyes. You and Dad always seemed destined to be with each other.”
“Your father was the only man who ever made me feel like being me was enough. Don’t get me wrong, he challenged me to be a better person, but he loved me at my core. The good and the bad, and life felt unbearable without him being mine. In my life.”
It all rings true. Every syllable. “I’m not sad, Mom. I promise. It’s not sadness. I’m a little lost. I’ll find my way.” Peter is playing with Pork off-leash. “It might feel a little different than I thought it would, but change doesn’t have to be the end of the world.”
“You’re right, but, Auden, don’t tell yourself lies about love. They rarely do any good.”
I offer her a smile as she bites into a sandwich. I get out my own and see a text from Betty on my phone. She wants to hang out tonight. Another glimpse at Peter ogling me has me agreeing on the spot. She was pretty torn up about Ramsey’s death. She felt responsible because her crazy ex-fling Hudson took his rage out on us, well, Ramsey mostly. I dream about her sometimes, but instead of the fond memories of our friendship, they’re dark dreams about all of the bad things she did. Ramsey is always the villain, and I’m always the hero trying to change her. In my dreams, I get close to convincing her to turn herself in and do the right thing, but she never closes the deal. It hurts to think I could have done something to save her, but even I’ve come to realize how awful she was. My grief was short-lived and somehow was tied to losing Beckett.
They caught Ramsey’s father in a five-star hotel in France. You know how they caught him? The realtor who tried to accost me in the woods. I gave his name, and they brought him in for questioning. He sang like a canary to save his own ass. Unfortunately, Mr. Taerpietier bit into a cyanide pill as special agents stormed his room and took the big sleep instead of prison time. Ramsey told me so many lies about her family to make herself relatable, when in reality there is nothing about her I can relate to. The stripper who was in the Rifts was another source of intelligence in disassembling the Rifts and locking them away. I don’t fear for my life any longer because they’ve assured me that they’re no longer in my city.
Peter tells me he’s going to run to the bathroom and I wave as he jogs off. “You should call him, honey. What if he feels the same way about you after all this time?”
I shake my head, and I tell her why we can’t be together. She places her hand on the center of my chest as tears run down her face. “This heart? This heart is yours, baby.” She covers her mouth. “The odds of that,” she mutters.
“I know, it’s wild.” I sniffle, thinking about Beck’s smile and how it matches his mom’s. I bet his sister had it too. “I can’t fix this, so I live with the pain and grant him the space. If I called him, he’d answer. He’d probably even see me, but that’s not for the best. It would complicate things more. The distance is the only thing that keeps me safe.”
“Pork! No!” I yell, when I see him downing a Tupperware filled with grapes. “No!” Leaping into action, I take the plastic bowl from him grab a lone grape from his mouth, the last one. “Oh, my god, these are poison for dogs. What do I do?” I unhook the leash and look down at Pork’s huge, apologetic eyes. “I know you can’t help it, but damn it, Pork!” I cradle him in my arms as he stares at me. The unconditional love he provides makes me get teary. My mom grabs my dad who is playing horseshoes across the park with strangers. He jogs over.
“My phone says there’s a vet on the other side of the park, right over there, in the corner,” Mom says, rushed, the panic in her eyes evident. She’s worried because the damn dog is one of my only sources of happiness when I’m alone in my apartment. I scoop up Pork and tell my parents to tell Peter to meet me at my house later, then I start jogging toward the corner of the park. My parents are driving, but their car is in a lot quite a distance from where we are. By foot is fastest. As I run, Pork is staring at me like I’m batshit crazy, and I guess I am. I’m terrified of losing something else I love.
There’s an old-fashioned brownstone stoop with an animal hospital sign hanging above the door. The open sign flashes blue and I’m completely out of breath as I stumble up the brick stairs and into the lobby. The lady at the desk looks at me with wide eyes. “Can I help you, ma’am?” When I don’t respond because I’m catching my breath, she goes on, “Are you okay?”
I shake my head, and in between breaths tell her, “Pork! Pork is a fucking pork. Help him.” I push the thirty-pound dog toward her. Credit given, she actually takes him into her arms. Pork is confused, cocking his head so he can look at me over his shoulder.
“What happened? Was he hit by a car?”
I crinkle one brow. “No, why would you think that?”
“You carried him in, ma’am, is he lame? Can he walk?”
“He just ate an entire container of grapes!” I yell.
She nods. “How long ago?”
“Just now, like a damn truffle pig. Five minutes ago. The whole container in like fifteen seconds.” All because Peter left. Don’t do that, Auden. It’s your dog.
“I’ll bring him back. The doctor is in between patients, we’ll induce vomiting.”
I nod, putting my hands on my hips, leaning over to suck more air. “Sorry Pork, but you did this to yourself, buddy.”
Then I pace, realizing I don’t even have my purse. The waiting is painful. Grapes. I only know because Gypsie ate a grape once and almost died. Roxanne told the story like it was a harrowing experience. I remember not thinking anything of it before Pork, but now every story I hear about a dog, I think of Pork. The nurse comes back about ten minutes later and takes me into a room. “The doctor will be right in.” She swallows hard, and her eyes are too wide.
“Oh, Jesus, did Pork die?” I start hyperventilating, waving a hand in front of my face rapidly. “Oh, god. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.” Breathe, Auden. In through your nose and out through your mouth. This is a dog. You can handle this. It’s a dog I love.
The nurse looks terrified. “No. He didn’t die.” Then she leaves, closing the door a little harder than she should have. I didn’t fill out any paperwork and I realize how weird that is.
Then the doctor walks into the room, white lab coat crisp, and gaze wide and shocked.
His name tag reads Dr. Beckett Fallon.
And I thought I needed to worry about paperwork.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Beck
“Auden,” I say, bottom jaw slack as I stare at the object of my dreams. She’s here, in the flesh, staring at me like I’m a ghost. She puts a hand on her forehead, then sits in the chair in the corner.
“God is putting me through the emotion Olympics today. It’s the only explanation for this.”
I stay silent, content to stare at her beauty in the flesh. My heart races and my body has every response it always did when we’re together. I want her. I want every inch of her. I stayed away because I want what’s best for her more than I want her. Professionalism, Beck, fuck. This is your place of business and this is a client. Yes, that’s the switch I need to flip. “The ah, dog, the dog is fine. Luckily, he didn’t chew them up, he just swallowed them and they came up when we induced vomiting. He’s hooked up getting some IV fluids and start some medicine to make sure his kidneys are okay.” I clear my throat. “Little is officially known about grape toxicity. Some dogs eat them all their lives without a reaction and others eat one grape and become poisoned.” I slide my hands into my coat to hide the fact they’re shaking. “He’s going to be okay. We see so many of this breed, I didn’t recognize him as yours.”
Her gaze meets mine and it causes emotion to war with sense. Auden covers her mouth with one hand, and she closes her eyes. Pain. “Thank you. I love that dog more than is reasonable. Thank you.”
I swallow down the lump in my throat. “You’re welcome.” Silence streams on for a few beats and I can’t resist. “Auden, how are you?”
Her big eyes meet mine. “You’re better than I am,” she says, shaking her head. “Is this you now?” She waves a hand at me. I don’t feel stable so I sit on the rolling stool and slide myself into the center of the room, but not close enough to reach out and touch her.
I smile sarcastically. “Well, I sort of got fired when my Principal died,” I say. “It’s kind of frowned upon.”
Her eyes turn inward as she studies me. “Died?” she croaks.
I press my lips together. “Yeah, Ramsey.” I furrow my brow. “You got wrapped up in the investigation and they didn’t tell you?”
