The lies you love, p.16
The Lies You Love, page 16
I sigh, my eyes glassy. “Losing a child or a sibling isn’t something you’re ever supposed to get over, Beck. You’re not meant to.” When he stays silent as he continues to stare at the wall, I add, “I’m so sorry. This seems like the most unfair thing in the entire world. You lost so much.”
He looks at me, really looks at me, and even though he’s sad, his face brightens. “I did. We did. Come on, I want to show you my childhood bed.” A smile lights his face.
“Why does that feel like a threat?” I say, cocking my head to the side.
He chuckles. “It can be if you want it to be.” I walk out last and Beck lingers in the entrance of her room before going back in to smooth the comforter where he sat. He returns and closes the door. “For what it’s worth, she would have loved you.”
“How do you know?” Approval from Maisey would be impossible, and yet in my heart, I still crave it. We enter his room, he closes his bedroom door behind us, and I peer around. It’s just like her room, just like it was the day he moved out of it.
“Well, the camping trip would have sold her, not the sex on the mattress in the middle of a lake, that sold me, but you grill like a champion and didn’t complain once about peeing in the woods.”
“My scary stories are top-notch, too, if I do say so myself,” I add, grinning as he wraps me in a hug. “She would love you because you’re similar in so many ways. My parents will love you, too.”
I guess it doesn’t matter how I gain their approval as long as I do. “Because I remind them of Maisey?”
He shakes his head, pressing a kiss to my neck, then my temple. “Because you’re wonderful and you obviously make me deliriously happy.”
I clear my throat, trying to ignore the ache blooming between my legs. “Do they know we haven’t been together that long?”
“This again?” Picking me up, he tosses me on the queen-sized bed. The plaid bedspread screams Pottery Barn twenty years ago.
Smiling, I exhale noisily. “Not again, but think about our lives before we met. I mean, I know what I was doing and it was the opposite of this.” I wave my arm around his room. “Meeting parents and putting it all on the line.”
“I agree, we didn’t see it coming, but isn’t that the good shit? The unknown that surprises you. Turns life upside down.” Beck meets my eyes. “In a good way,” he clarifies. He grabs my face in his warm hands and a shiver shoots up my spine.
“You seem unreal sometimes. Like I’m going to wake up from a dream and this won’t be real. You won’t be real.”
I swallow down a lump in my throat as my stomach flips.
“I want this to be real so bad that I worry about it constantly. I worry about every single thing I say or do. I worry that after this month is over everything will go back to how it was before. I worry that I’m asking for you to change your entire life if things keep progressing between us. I can’t be the reason you don’t follow your dreams.”
Beck looks thoughtful as he looks at me. “Dreams change, Auden.” He pulls my face to his and he kisses me. “Put on some clothes. You’ll be getting dirty in the garden.”
He backs away, and I hate the distance. His smile widens as he takes another exaggerated step toward the door.
“And tonight, we’ll get dirty in here.” Beck humps the air with his arms bent ninety degrees.
My mouth drops open. “Not at your parents’ house,” I whisper-shout, even though the idea makes me wet. “Even I have my limits.” I fold my arms across my chest.
“I’m the person who knows how to push your limits and take you past them,” he says, casually, quickly leaving the room before I can reply.
My emotions are roiling as I pace to the window and unzip my suitcase. Rams called on the ride from the airport so I pull out my phone and call her back.
She doesn’t say hello. “Is he there with you?”
I cringe. “Is who here with me?”
“Duh, Beck,” she counters.
“I’m staying at his parents’ house. He’s here in the house with me,” I say, looking back at the closed bedroom door. “But he’s not next to me. Why are you asking?”
She clears her throat. “I worry about you and want you to tell me everything, but you can’t if he’s standing next to you.”
There’s been something about Ramsey since I began dating Beck. I can’t put my finger on it, but she’s been acting differently toward me and our conversations changed. I think she’s seen Griffin a few more times since the horrible night in the woods at that party. Ramsey’s not on her usual rampage with men from dating apps. There’s been exactly zero men since Griffin and the logical explanation is that she likes Griffin and she’s moving on like I did with Beck, except I know that’s not true. She looks at him like he’s an annoyance—a pesky younger sibling she’s entertaining because her mom told her to. It doesn’t make sense, but I also haven’t questioned her. I run my hand over a stuffed alligator on a shelf. “Ramsey, there’s nothing to tell you.”
“What are his parents like?” she asks.
“They’re wonderful as I expected they’d be. Their house is big and beautiful. His dad gardens and his mom seems to love cooking. We just got here so I don’t have a full backstory yet.” I pause. “Ramsey, are you okay? You’ve been acting weird lately.”
“What are you talking about?”
I clear my throat. “Never mind, forget it. Are you sunbathing tomorrow?” She always does. It’s her ritual.
“I don’t know. It’s getting colder, but I want to know what you mean. How have I been acting weird?”
We never talked about the night at the party. How she seemed to know the realtor. How she got the invite. What it meant was that she had a whole group of friends or acquaintances, and I knew nothing about them as her supposed best friend. She is watching the store for me during the times Tess couldn’t this weekend. Ramsey is undeniably there for me in a way my other friends aren’t. I guess maybe I question her motives sometimes. I fail to bring anything substantial to our friendship these days save for a better rooftop to sunbathe on. “Are you seeing guys? You seem preoccupied lately, not following your normal… habits.” I pick up a pair of leggings and a long-sleeved shirt from the top of my suitcase. “Are you still seeing Griffin?”
Ramsey exhales. “I’m still fucking him if that’s what you’re asking.”
I shake my head. “Only him?”
She pauses. “Yes.”
“Somehow, I feel like that was a lie.”
There’s a scratchy noise on the other side of the line. “It’s not. I just wanted to check in. The store looks great. I popped over to check on things and to take the bank deposit.”
“Oh great. Thanks again. I owe you one.”
“You don’t. We’re friends.” There’s a lull, then she says, “Your friends stopped by while I was there. Betty, Margot, and…”
“Lindsey,” I supply for her. “What did they want?”
“Don’t you talk to them? They didn’t know you’d be out of town.”
I pause. I told Betty I was going but didn’t say when. It’s been over a week since I spoke to the other women. “We don’t keep in as close contact as you and I do. Betty knew I was coming because I’d been helping her through an affair, but they’re all married and have busy lives.”
“Affair?”
I swallow hard. Gossip. It makes me uncomfortable because I’d never want Ramsey to think I talk about her behind her back.
“She was cheating with some Australian who tends bar at Silver Moon. She broke up with him and wants to make it work with her husband. She is sort of relying on me for tough love advice.”
Ramsey is silent. Too silent for someone who loves drama. “I think I know who you’re talking about,” she says, voice small. She changes the subject. “They came in after lunch and wanted to say hello is all. Margot bought a bunch of stuff for her dog and Lindsey only talked about how she would reorganize the front display window for a more aesthetically pleasing design.”
“Ugh. Of course, she would. Lindsey is the worst. Thanks again for taking care of the store for me. You know it’s been a long time since I went anywhere because of being tethered to it.”
“Anytime. Hey, get the dirt on your boy-toy while you’re there. It might be your only opportunity.”
I agree even though I’d never push my luck. After Ramsey tells me she’ll check in tomorrow, we say goodbye. The urge to call Betty is strong because I want to know if she told our other friends. If they were all together, chances are the beans were spilled. I have some idea how each of our friends would react, but this is no-man's-land. This situation hasn’t come up, quite like this before. On second thought, she probably is taking this one to her grave. I get changed and walk down the hallway to find Beck. Pausing in front of Maisey’s room, I want to peek in once more. Just really quick, I think. No one will know. I push in quietly and walk around admiring the same things I did before except I don’t ration how long my gaze fixates on any one thing because there’s no one here with me. I walk to the window and see Beck and his parents out back in their enormous garden. He has his arm around his dad’s shoulder, and his mom looks on fondly. I’m an interloper as I have been my entire life. This wisp of a person who never really belongs anywhere. My parents have each other. My ex has his sexuality and the life he’s always wanted. My friends have their own lives. Sure, I have my store and apartment, but the closest to belonging anywhere has been right here and now.
My throat clogs with emotion as I watch a neighbor boy slip into a side gate and run up to Beck and his parents. His dad offers him a small bin of fruit, and Beck ruffles his dirty blond hair. I lean on one of the posts of Maisey’s canopy bed and quiet my racing thoughts. I get out my cell phone and text my parents hello and a quick I love you. They both respond immediately because they are great parents. Why have I never felt like this with them? Beck is waiting for me at the back door when I finally make it down.
“You took long enough!” He kisses me on the lips and my body zings to life.
“Ramsey called to check in. Sorry, we got to talking.”
Like most times when I bring up my friend, Beck’s face falls. He only nods. “Is she okay?” His tone is sincere.
“Why do you always ask about her?” I narrow my eyes, curiosity getting the best of me.
He frowns, looking away. “She seems like trouble. I mean, she invited you to that party and is dating Griffin. Need I say more?”
I smirk. “You’re right. She is usually my most troublesome friend. She’s fine, I guess. Weird lately like she’s hiding something from me, but Ramsey is good with secrets.”
I’m not sure if he doesn’t ask more because he’s worried about appearing too curious or if he really doesn’t care, but he whisks me out to the garden and gives me the full tour. I could spend days out here, and it’s quite obvious by the state of things that his parents do spend days out here tending the plants. A flower garden sprawls in a circular pattern on the back corner of their lot that backs up to an open field, and there’s a massive pool and deck on the other corner. Everything in between is plants. There are rocky trails in between beds and wrought iron trellis arches with ivy wrapping the bars. It’s magic. “I’ve never seen anything this pretty before. It belongs in a museum or something.”
“The city has asked if they’d ever consider opening it up to the public, but this is something they do just for them. It’s another reason they’ll never leave here. It took them many years to get it to this point. After Maisey died, they heaved even more energy this way and now it’s basically all they do.”
I lose my breath when I shield my eyes from the sun and take in the expanse of it all. “It’s not perfect.” He chuckles. “According to Mom, bed fourteen needs to be weeded before we get to have dinner. I always help out when I’m home. I hope you don’t mind. This is their love language.” His smile is crooked and my heart thumps wildly in my chest, reminding me how fortunate I am to have a second chance to fall for this gorgeous man. Reminding me how lucky I am to be alive.
****
Manual labor isn’t so bad when you’re doing it in the equivalent of the Royal Gardens. We weeded the bed and picked anything ripe we found like his dad asked, and then came in for cool tea and showers before dinner. I got a head start in the shower before Beck joined me.
“There’s not a fireballs chance in hell we’re fucking in this shower.”
He moves around me to steal the warm water. “Is that so. As long as you know I could convince you to if I wanted to.”
I act outraged. “Does that mean you don’t want to?” I lean into his hot chest and try to get the remnants of the soap off my body as his hands are busy shampooing his hair.
“Auden, I want to, I always want to, but I’m not so feral that if you tell me no to shower sex, I’ll keep asking.”
Kissing his chest, I agree with his answer. “You never know with you. Sometimes you’re full-on caveman and other times you’re polite.”
He grins, closing his eyes so soap doesn’t get in them. “It’s part of my charm.” He circles me in his arms and my head swims like it does anytime I’m naked with him. “Can you check my phone? I think Griffin texted while we were outside.”
Stunned for a moment, I merely nod. Trust with the phone is big, right? He kisses me until I wish we were having sex, then pats me on the ass as I get out. “Tonight, we play a new game, just so you know.”
I shake my head, unable to keep the smile off my face. “What game would that be?”
“Silent Night. It’s the one where you can’t make noise when you come.”
I guffaw as I wrap myself in a fluffy towel. “Good one.”
“Oh, there will be plenty of good ones,” Beck says, licking his lips. My stomach curls into itself. The anticipation might bring me to my knees.
“There’s only one more towel for you. Where can I grab another for my hair?”
“Hallway closet,” Beck says. “No one should be upstairs. It’s to the left as you leave my room.”
I pick up his phone from the bed and see that Griffin did text, but it was just some stupid meme, so I toss it back where I found it and quietly open the door to slip into the hallway. The closet is where he said it would be and it’s filled with towels. I grab one and am startled when a man clears his voice. A small scream echoes off the tall ceilings. “I’m sorry, you scared me,” I get out. I breathe out. “You must be Stefan. I’m Auden.” As awkward as this should be wearing a towel wrapped around myself, I’m just glad it’s not some killer. I saw photos of Stefan and Maisey in her room earlier.
“It’s nice to meet you. I didn’t mean to frighten you. Cocktail hour started and they sent me up to tell you Moscow Mules are ready. I should have known better. I remember what it’s like.”
Okay, now uneasiness slips into the equation. “What what’s like?” I ask.
“Being in love,” Stefan says, exhaling in one big gust.
I can’t refute or deny it. He’s being honest. “I’m so sorry, Stefan.”
“Right, I’m sure they’ve told you everything.”
I nod meekly, looking down and readjusting the towel the best I can. When I look up something has changed. He’s staring at me—at my transplant scar that’s peeking out just above where my towel covers. The red scar angry from the hot water and unmistakable if you’re familiar with it. It can only mean one thing. He swallows hard and meets my eyes. “Is that from a transplant?”
There’s no sense in lying. “It is. Heart,” I say, a chill hitting my dewy skin when the A/C kicks on.
“What hospital was the surgery done at?”
I tell him.
“Anonymous donor?” he asks.
I nod, and as if on cue, my heart races.
Stefan pales, steadying himself on the wall next to us. “I’m so sorry, they need me downstairs. It was good to meet you, Auden. What did you say your last name was?”
I didn’t say it, but I tell him anyway.
Beck pokes his head out the door. “Oh, there you are.” He sees Stefan. “Hey Stef. Everything okay? Looks like you saw a ghost.” He’s wearing a towel around his waist and hugs his brother-in-law.
Stefan looks between Beck and me then says, “Guess I kind of did. Cocktails are ready. Good to see you, buddy. Can we talk later?”
He turns to leave, and I’m left with an eerie premonition. One that will keep me up all night.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Beck
“What the fuck do you mean Maisey was an organ donor?” I roar, draining my fifth glass of whiskey as I pace the library.
After we ate dinner, one that was fraught with tension and awkward silences, Auden said she needed to do some work on her laptop. I knew it was lie, we all did. After they shut the door behind her, I knew shit would be tense and was grateful for her exit.
“We didn’t tell you at the time because we didn’t think it mattered,” Mom says, trying to ease the tension. Stefan saw Auden’s scar and told my parents his theory. “She was on life support and everything was working except her brain. Stefan told us Maisey had signed up to be an organ donor, checked the box on her driver’s license, you know? She had talked about saving lives if the time ever came or something like this happened. It was a specific conversation she had with him and we honored it. That’s all we did. Maisey was gone, Beckett. She was gone. What happened after wasn’t a big deal because our girl was gone forever.”
“You never once thought to tell me my sister was walking around among us? In pieces? That wasn’t an important detail you thought to share?”
