The lies you love, p.17
The Lies You Love, page 17
Mom shakes her head, and Dad steals away to a small study attached to the library. He closes the door behind him. “It was painful enough as it was. Why bring in another detail that didn’t seem to matter? You were going through Charge Man training and you were finally pulling yourself out of the grief and we didn’t want to ruin it. After you quit everything related to becoming a vet we worried about you. We’d lost one child and day by day it seemed we were losing the other in a different way. Beck, this was hard on us all, but you seemed to be losing the most from the fallout.”
My blood is boiling, I’m seething, and worse, I can’t fault their decision because it was a logical one. I’m drunk, and I’m mad. This is a horrible combination on a weekend that was supposed to be joyful and relaxing. I’ve finally found someone, and now I’m being told there’s a fucking fated reason she was found. “I need to calm down.”
“Son,” Mom says, soothing me by rubbing one shoulder as soon as I sit in a leather chair. “This doesn’t change anything.”
Stefan is sitting at a desk in the corner staring at me like I’m insane or an illusion; I can’t be sure. “It changes a lot of things,” I say. “Why do you think it’s her? Auden?” I ask Stefan.
He lifts and lowers one shoulder. “A guess, Beck. I’m probably wrong.” He says the last sentence like he doesn’t believe it. “I did so much research while Maisey was on life support as a way to distract myself. The way the procedures would be done, the scars, the quality of life for the recipients. It was a way to validate her decision, I guess. When I saw the scar, it took me back to those dark days and I had to know the details behind Auden’s transplant. I was compelled,” Stefan explains. “I shouldn’t have. When she told me the name of the hospital, I was scared to ask her anything else. You can’t deny that they have the same body size. It makes sense.”
I rest my elbows on my knees and hold my head. My stomach flips and I fear I might vomit right then and there. “The timing matches up?” I croak.
“Yes, and the hospital the procedure was done at. There aren’t many hospitals that do it. It was anonymous on our side, but if I remember correctly, it wasn’t anonymous on the recipient’s side. We could find out for sure who Maisey’s parts went to with a little legwork.”
I slam my glass down on a side table. “No. No we won’t find anything out. It doesn’t matter.”
My mom asks me to calm down, and Stefan startles when I stand. “This isn’t funny. This isn’t a joking matter.”
My dad’s voice booms from behind me. “That’s enough.” He thrusts a tablet at me. “I found it all right here. Stefan is right. Auden has Maisey’s heart.”
There’s a list. Like a grocery list except more extravagant with numbers, codes, and language I somewhat understand from vet school. With names attached to different organs. I stare at the glowing screen blankly. “Someone has her eyes?” I nearly choke on the sentence. “How could you let this happen?” I ask Stefan. He looks down and Mom starts explaining once again how it’s what Maisey asked for. “Stop. I can’t listen to this anymore.” The second I say it, I scroll to the next page and there it is, in black and white. Auden’s name, another code, and the words cardiac transplantation. The tablet falls from my hands and the room tilts upside down. Someone is saying my name but it sounds far away like I’m at the bottom of a well. She has Maisey’s heart. My sister’s heart beats inside the chest of the woman I love.
I’m trained to school my emotions and to never give anything away. There’s no controlling this reaction. This knowledge has the power to alter my entire existence.
I blink a few times and my mom is standing in front of me, both hands on my shoulders. “What does it change? It’s a coincidence. It means nothing. It means nothing,” she whispers again. “It’s just an organ.”
How can she say that when my entire career is dedicated to the motto, always protect the heartbeat? “I need to go.”
“I’ll go with you,” Stefan chimes in.
I shake my head. “The fuck you will. I need to go alone.” They lied to me. A lie by omission is a lie all the same. “The one thing I couldn’t protect, the person I couldn’t protect,” I say, voice trembling. “The one thing I couldn’t save, is beating in front of me, existing in my world, and you didn’t think I’d want to know? I changed my entire life because I lost Maisey. I gave up my dream of becoming a vet to find a new purpose, and now,” I say, swallowing when the emotions become too thick, “By some twisted fucking fate, I’ve fallen for the woman who is alive because my sister is dead? It’s too much. Too fucking much. I have to go.”
I run out of the house, slamming the door on my way out. The driveway is long and I don’t turn around until I’m halfway to the road. The sky spins and I glimpse Auden, or who I assume is Auden, in my bedroom window on the top floor, her pale face reflecting in the moonlight. The impossibility of the situation wars with the truth. Nothing will dictate my life except my own decisions. Nothing. I can’t perform my job as a Charge Man while trying to protect her, too. It will be akin to losing Maisey twice. I lay a hand on my slick forehead and close my eyes. Turning away from the house, I jog out onto the road and try to catch my breath. I pull my cell phone from my pocket and find the app to call a ride. I don’t know where I’m going, but I can’t stay here.
****
The morning sun creeps over the horizon as I stumble out of the back seat of a beat up sedan. The transmission makes a clanking noise every six seconds. “Can you make it home from here?” a female voice calls out the open passenger side window. I put up a hand as response as I stand, swaying from the alcohol and the delirium from lack of sleep. There’s a hole in my shirt the size of my fist, and the collar of my t-shirt is stretched and saggy. The car pulls away from the curb, shooting fire out the back with a loud bang.
I don’t remember a thing from last night except asking for the whole bottle of whiskey and the bartender telling me no. There isn’t any heartbreak or morose memories when everything is numb. It’s wearing off, and when my parent’s house comes into view, it all rushes back in. The hurt and betrayal are nothing compared to what I know I need to do. I don’t go into the front door; opening the side gate I enter the garden and throw myself down on one of the outdoor sofas under a pergola. Lying on my back, I stare up at the creeping vines that threaten to block the sky any second. I wish they’d wrap around my body and hide me from reality. The question racing through my mind now that I’m lucid is why? Why did it have to be Auden? Why Maisey? Why the combination? One why I’ve come to understand is why Maisey was an organ donor. It was a very Maisey thing to do. Sacrifice and philanthropy at the highest level. The hardest why to swallow is why I’m going to walk away from Auden. A pang rips through my chest as I cover my eyes with my forearm.
“Where have you been all night?” Auden asks in a soft voice. I didn’t even hear her approach, and my heart starts hammering. I’m trying to be brave, but tears sting my closed eyes. “Your face is bleeding.”
I don’t dare move my arm. “I was around,” I say.
“Around,” she parrots. “Okay.”
“I need some time to myself,” I say, praying my voice doesn’t shake.
She’s quiet for several seconds, but then she yells, “You had all fucking night to yourself, Beck! Where were you at?” Her voice quivers. “You left me here.”
I blow out a noisy breath. “I’m sorry,” I say, damn if that isn’t an all-encompassing apology. “Fuck, I’m sorry. Okay?”
“You can’t even look at me!” Her voice echoes, and the pain slices at me. “I heard the conversation last night,” Auden says, tone lower. “I know why you’re upset.”
“Why are you here then? Why are you giving me hell?”
“Why are you acting like I did something wrong? Like I had a damn choice in this? I suppose I did; I could have just died!” She hiccups, trying to catch her breath. “A lot of the days, before I met you, I wished I did die. I’m sorry for living. I’ll never be good enough. Trust me, it’s a fact I live with every day.”
The second I uncover my eyes, I know I’ve made a mistake. Her face is red from crying, and she still looks fucking stunning. Looking at her hurts like hell. It forces me to remember all the nights I spent with my tear-soaked pillow pleading with God. If he would only give me my sister back I’d do anything, be anyone he wanted me to be. Is this some sick joke? Is this how he’s sent her back to me? Leaning over the side of the sofa, I heave, the contents of my stomach splattering across the pavement. Then once more, until it feels like there’s nothing left inside of my body. Auden jumps back, but now she’s crying because of how I must have looked at her—like an enemy who makes me physically sick. “So, you’ll know why this,” I mutter, gesturing between our bodies, “Can’t happen.” My eyes drop to her chest. “I can’t do that—can’t face the fact day after day.” Wiping my mouth, an angry tear sneaks out. I wipe that away, too. “You have to understand that.” I keep my eyes trained on the vomit instead of the woman I love. “You’d be selfish if you didn’t understand.” I nail my point home with something I know she won’t argue back. The door for negotiation closing completely with my last sentence.
“That’s it then,” she says, sniffling.
I can’t speak, I don’t trust myself, so I nod.
“You gave me something I myself lost,” Auden says, “But I know my worth now and if you can walk away from what we have then you aren’t the man I thought you were.”
I nod.
“I told you, Beck. I told you, I’d destroy your heart.”
I nod.
“I didn’t see it at the time but it will destroy mine in the process.”
I nod. There’s nothing left to say. I’m saving it. This is how it must be.
“Goodbye, Beck. Some protector you are.”
The final low blow hurts, but I deserve it. I deserve any ounce of pain she gives me for this. I know how she feels about me because it’s how I feel about her. The coming days are going to be desperate, feral, searing, but if there’s one thing Maisey’s death taught me it’s that it does get easier, and the only cure is time. My body lied, I puke once more, this time heaving when only a small amount escapes my mouth. I don’t go in the house until I hear the garage open and Auden leave, my dad taking her to the airport, no doubt. My mother is wearing a bathrobe crying at the breakfast table when I stumble in the back door.
“You’re worse now than you’ve ever been. How could you do that to that poor girl? I’m so disappointed in you.” Her eyes rake my outfit and she cringes back. “Who are you right now?”
“I don’t know,” I say, voice cracking. “A man with the truth, I suppose.” Going to the sink, I chug a huge glass of water and grab a piece of bread from the bread box and eat it straight. “The worst part is I fucking love that poor girl. Paltry things like love can’t matter when I’d be too worried about protecting her when I have to protect Ramsey. Her best fucking friend. No one knows how complicated this is. No one understands, and I don’t expect you to. I’m letting Auden go because I was stupid to think after this month is up, I’d be able to go back to the way things were before. Spending all my time guarding when I’m thinking about Auden’s smile. The way she always thinks about me first. Her kindness. The way she rubs her thumbnail with her pointer finger when she’s deep in thought or worried about what she’s about to say next. The woman is perfect for me in every way except the only way that matters.”
Mom stands. “It was never your job to protect your big sister,” she yells, aiming a finger at me. “That was not in your job description. It was not your fault she died. Or that she even got shot in the first place. Quit blaming yourself and let yourself be happy! Did you really listen to what you said to me? Auden is your person and you’re turning away from her because of a technicality. You would find a way to make it work. You’ll get over the fact that she has Maisey’s heart. What you won’t get over is letting that woman walk away.” She points at the door and her whole arm is shaking.
“I know I fucked up, Mom. But some things you can live with and some things you can’t.” I shake my head as I let tears fall. “You don’t get to tell me what I can’t live with. I’m sorry I disappointed you, but I will always feel somewhat responsible for Maisey’s death.”
Mom’s face pales as she looks at me, and she tightens the robe belt as she looks out to the garden. “I’m sorry I said that.” She comes up to me and hugs me tightly. “Seeing you happy gave me something back. Her death took so much from you that it gave me hope. For the first time, it looked like you might move on.” She doesn’t release me and I close my eyes against the onslaught of pain—everything mingling together in one big pain potion. Heartbreak and loss. “What if,” she whispers, “What if you’re looking at this wrong? What if the reason you view as the reason she’s not right for you, is the singular most important reason she is right for you?”
I’m acutely aware this is how most men would embrace this knowledge, but it’s not how my brain works. “I don’t accept that,” I say.
Mom sobs a little harder, but I feel her nodding against my shoulder. “The training changed you,” she says.
“It made me better. You may not see it now, but it’s what saved me.”
“You won’t have a normal life and you’re saying it saved you? You’re giving up love for a job? If your sister was here right now, what do you think she’d tell you?”
“She’d be upset I never became a vet. She would be angry I was a dick to Auden. She’d tell me life is too short for bad food and rash decisions.”
“Maybe you were rash?” Mom asks.
I release her from the hug when Stefan comes into the kitchen. “Sorry. Grabbing coffee and I’ll be out of the way.”
“It’s fine. Let the entire family see me at my worst. And no, Mom, I don’t think I was rash. I think I made a logical decision quickly, yes. That doesn’t change a thing. It was never going to work.”
Stefan keeps his eyes trained on the coffee pot like it might self-destruct. “I don’t want to intrude, but I did spend the morning talking to Auden. She was up all night worried when you wouldn’t answer your phone.” I touch the outside of my pocket to make sure I still have it. It’s there. Sliding it out, I see it’s also dead. Mom moves to the fridge as I take a seat at the table.
“And, what did she say?”
He licks his lips, leaning against the counter. “We didn’t talk about you much. She wanted to know about Maisey.” Of course, she did. That’s how selfless Auden is. “I mostly told her stories. The happy ones. She knew, Beck. She knew this would be your reaction. She said she felt like you were looking for a reason to walk away.” He sits in a chair next to me. “She wouldn’t listen when I told her you’d come around. I’m not sure if you will, Beckett, but I told her that because you should have seen how sad she was. Maisey loved the awful parts of you. How you never said the right thing first. Your hot head, and how you drank too much when you wanted to avoid life. She loved those things because she loved you, but you already know how I feel,” Stefan says. “You only get one shot. One person. Die or live, you only get one.” He shakes his head, and the haunted terror slips across his face. “Think back to the first moment she showed you who she truly was. Is she your one? Her heart aside. Mind, soul, body, is Auden your one?”
All my breath leaves my body. “I don’t have any one person. I’m a fucking Charge Man. My loyalties lie with one person and one person alone. Maybe in another life, Stefan. In this one? The one I chose. I took an oath, and as much as I’d love to believe what you’re trying to sell, sometimes you have to move the fuck on and not worry about the one.”
It’s a lie. All of it. But Stefan seems to really be listening to me. Maybe this time, when I’m desperate to escape my life, he’ll realize he still has his. I’m sick of dwelling, of hinging decisions on other decisions, and most of all I’m tired of living in the past. I’ve grieved, healed, and I’ve created a new dream for myself, and now, more than ever, I need to leave my mistakes, and even if it burns me to the quick, understand that my time with Auden is the biggest mistake I’ve made yet.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Auden
Instead of dwelling in misery, I’m dwelling among boxes in my store. It’s been too busy for me to come up for air. People bounced back from the recession and from the looks of it, they’ve added a dog or two in the process. That doesn’t mean in the quiet moments, when Ramsey isn’t by my side or on the phone with me, or when I’m alone, I’m okay. I’m actually not fine by any stretch of the imagination. I would have preferred to stay blissfully unaware that true love actually existed. Not only that, but that it comes on strong, fast, and it’s undeniable. I don’t have a clue what time it is, only that I’m starving and the sun went down hours ago. Focus on your business, Auden. Focus.
I use a razor blade to open the next box filled with pink furry rabbit dog toys. “Sadistic,” I whisper to the stuffie as I start plucking them out to add to a huge basket on wheels. It’s my fault, I ordered them, but in my defense, the cute toys sell quicker, and this one is adorable. As I stroke the head of the bunny, I swallow hard thinking of the last time I had sex with Beck. Sex. With. Beck. Slamming my eyes shut, I try to will the feelings away but can’t. I fell in love with him quickly, and there’s no denying that, but fucking him is what comes to mind most often. The way he’d look me in the eyes when I’d come around him, or the sweet kiss he’d give, right behind my ear, before he’d pull out of me. My countless orgasms and the satisfaction it brought him. Mostly because while it was the best sex of my life, it’s also the only time I’ve made love. True love, anyways. Counting sex with Walker seems like a sham at this point.
