I feel closest to Beck when I’m coming, and I wonder if that will ever go away, not that I want to test that theory with another man anytime soon. They’d all pale in comparison for sure. I pull out the rabbit from its sheath in my tote bag and stare at it like it might say something. I test the batteries and feel the vibration in the palm of my hand before sighing when I know I have to do it. Here and now. To get him out of my head. I sit back down on the floor where I was working and lift my skirt. Closing my eyes, I pull my panties to the side and tease myself with the tip of the swirling vibrator. It nudges against my pussy, but I’m not wet yet, not like Beck makes me so I have to wait, teasing my clit with the buzzing part until I’m nearly on the brink of coming.

  I turn up the power and wince against the onslaught of pleasure. Pressing the head in, I let it work itself inside me, slowly, until it’s rubbing my G-spot with each flick of the circle. I moan out long and hard without care. No one can hear me, no one cares I’m about to come. It’s me and the toy and my thighs tingle, my stomach floats and I clench down on the toy as rapture takes me. It’s a sterile orgasm, one that leaves me breathless and crying. I pull it out and exhale the pent-up sadness and rage I feel. I scream at the top of my lungs as the hot tears pour down my face. The man who put me back together broke me in another way. I crave his lips, the scent of his body and sweat, the heat from his torso against mine, the way he’d linger inside me after I came so I could feel whole. I want his love.

  My mood has plummeted, so I clean up, pack up my things for the day and lock up. I call Ramsey on my drive home. We talk about my day and about her dumb plant that she finally got from an anonymous friend. She wasn’t sure who sent it, and she said I was the only one she told. “I wish I could afford to give you a fifteen-thousand-dollar tree, Rams, I really do, especially for how much you’ve been helping me through the breakup and with the store lately, but I don’t have that kind of cash.” I’m half joking, but it seems to really upset her she doesn’t know where it came from. I get it, it’s expensive.

  “You have a ton of rich friends, don’t you? After that party, nothing would surprise me. Maybe the realtor sent it as a present for accosting your best friend in the forest?”

  It’s a joke, but she snaps back. “Don’t make light of that. I could have killed that sleazy bastard.”

  I widen my eyes as I turn into my apartment parking garage. “A little harsh, Rams, don’t you think?”

  She rattles on about how she never should have invited me there and what a mistake it was to go at all. I listen intently, pulling the phone away when it screeches static in my ear. It must be because I’m in my building elevator. The man in the corner smiles at me, and I smile back, a quick gesture, not long enough to entice more interaction.

  “Are you going to the rooftop party?”

  Ramsey pauses when she hears the male voice. She’s silent as a stone. “I didn’t get an invite,” I say.

  “Sorry to interrupt your phone call,” he says, flashing a lopsided smirk. “But you don’t need an invite. The whole building is invited. Come up to the roof and BYOB.” The elevator dings open at my floor. I flash another small smile and nod as I get out.

  “Did I hear party at your house?” Ramsey says.

  “I’m not feeling up to it,” I say.

  “It’s been weeks since Beck broke it off. Aren’t you itching to get off the vibrator and onto a live human dick?”

  I exhale as I push into my apartment and lock the door. “It’s not like that this time. In fact, I don’t think it will ever be like that again. Beck was different. He was more.”

  “More of an asshole. He broke your damn heart. In case you don’t remember he made you fly home from his parent’s house by yourself because he was drunk.”

  I didn’t tell her the full reason he broke things off. That I have his sister’s heart. That he can’t look at me without wanting to vomit. That I literally represent something he’ll never get back again. Ramsey wouldn’t understand the nuances of the situation. No one else would. It feels like fiction when I lay awake at night, my hand on my heart, letting the pound lull me to sleep knowing it’s the closest to Beck I’ll ever be again.

  “It’s not all bad. Listen, I’ll go to the roof if you want to come over and go with me.”

  She pauses for a few beats. “I need to blow dry my hair. I’ll be over in twenty.” We hang up.

  Humans take for granted how frequently things just work. I never do. Not anymore. Every beat of this heart is precious, and as low as I feel right now, I know I must move on and live. I’m not sure what that looks like now that my month with Beck changed me so fully, but I have to try. While my leftovers heat up, I change into a long maxi dress and switch out my underwear. I drag a brush through my hair and add mascara until my lashes start clumping together. I eat quickly and brush my teeth and Ramsey lets herself in with the spare key.

  “Wow, you cleaned up quick.”

  “How do you know I didn’t wear this to work?” I ask, holding out the sides of the purple stretchy cotton then letting it fall back.

  She shrugs. “Not your usual M.O. You ready to go up? I brought libations.” Ramsey holds up a bottle of wine. “Grab a couple of those wine tumblers I bought for you and let’s roll.”

  Ramsey grabs the wine bottle opener from my bar cart and opens the wine and pours both of us a glass. “You should invite Griffin,” I say it first because I feel like she might be trying to be a one-man woman, but I regret asking because he’s a direct link to Beckett. My stomach flips. “I’m fine. You can bring him around, Ramsey. Don’t worry about me.”

  She looks at me, tilting her head to the side. “You’re sure?” Her pretty eyes squint as she stares at my face. “You’re not doing that thing normal women do when you say that, but you don’t mean it and it will upset you?” I laugh.

  “I’m sure,” I return.

  As soon as the words are out of my mouth, she’s dialing him on the phone. It’s a brief call in which she tells him where to be. She hangs up and we use my key card to get to the rooftop. “Did you ever find out who sent the tree?” I ask to deflect attention from myself.

  “I don’t know. I really don’t. I might set it on fire for how much that annoys me.”

  I chuckle, sipping my wine as we push into the night air of the garden. “But you wouldn’t.”

  “Of course, I wouldn’t,” Ramsey replies, tucking the bottle under her arm like a handbag. “That little bitch is my favorite plant in my bunch.”

  As I look around, I realize the poor job I’ve done at knowing my neighbors. No one looks familiar, and worse still, everyone else seems to know each other. Cue awkward new girl moment, except I’m not new. The man from the elevator is over by the balcony that overlooks Ramsey’s building. I head for him when Ramsey disperses into the crowd—a chameleon in any situation.

  “Hey,” he says. “I didn’t think you’d make it.”

  “I had to ride an elevator up a few floors. There wasn’t much effort involved.”

  He eyes me up and down, backing away one step to get a better look. “I’d say there was quite an effort. You look beautiful.”

  Locking my hands in front of me, I look down. “Thanks,” I say. “What’s your name? I probably should know, but I stay to myself a lot.”

  “I’m Peter. I think I’m one floor under you.” His smile makes me uneasy because I know he’s interested, and I’m not. “What’s your name?”

  “I’m Auden,” I say, reminding myself I need to try. Swallowing hard, I raise the glass to my lips. Try, Auden. “What do you do, Peter?”

  Ah, his smile brightens, and in response, I offer a small one. “I work in finance. Private Equity.”

  One of those guys. “Oh, nice. I own the pet store on fifth,” I say. “You from here?” I ask.

  He shakes his head. “Only here because my job is here. California is home for me.”

  “Auden,” Ramsey says, grabbing my elbow.

  I spin, frightened by the tone of her voice. “Griffin’s here. He wants to say hi.”

  Furrowing my brow, I shoot my friend a look. “This is Peter.” To Peter, I say, “This is my friend Ramsey.”

  “Oh, good to meet you, I have to borrow her for a second.” She pulls me away so hard and fast that wine splashes from my cup.

  “What the hell is going on?” I hiss at her when we’ve rounded the building. She pins my back against a vine-covered trellis. “Ramsey, speak.”

  Griffin walks up. “Who was that?” he asks.

  “Both of you, what the hell is wrong? I was just talking to my neighbor!”

  Griffin pulls out his phone and is texting.

  “Who are you texting?” I ask, my face heating. Lunging, I grab the phone from him and as suspected, it’s Beck. “Are you kidding me?” He sent a message that said just a neighbor.

  “Is he here?” My heart flutters, and my stomach plummets at the thought. I look around, craning my neck to see past Ramsey who looks annoyed. I hand him his phone back.

  “He didn’t tell me why I needed to get you away from the guy, just that it was important,” Ramsey says, throwing a dagger gaze at Griffin. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize he was doing his scum bag friend’s bidding. My bad.”

  “I don’t know if he’s here,” Griffin says, and I believe him. He’s looking around curiously. “When I told him I was in his neck of the woods he asked if I was at your building. When I said I was meeting Ramsey here, he told me to, and I quote, get you away from the man.”

  My blood is boiling, but logic takes over. “You’re not in his neck of the woods. He doesn’t live here.” His apartment is nowhere close to here, and I know I’ve touched on something I’m not supposed to know because Griffin looks scared.

  He presses his lips together. “No, no it’s not. He works over here though.” Thinking back to when we first started talking, he mentioned being in this part of town for meetings and I didn’t think anything of it. Griffin’s eyes flick across the expanse of the rooftop, over to where I was standing with Peter. “Over there.”

  “No, you’re confused,” Ramsey butts in. “That’s my building.”

  Griffin nods and looks away quickly. “Don’t shoot the messenger.” He readjusts the collar of his shirt. “Dude looked like a douche anyway.”

  Gritting my teeth, I resist the urge to punch him in the face. “So, Beck saw me talking to a man and got jealous? Please, break this down for me because I don’t see how it’s any of his business.”

  Ramsey pours more wine into my glass. “Men are jealous by nature. Don’t let this ruin your night. Go back over there and find Peter. In fact, take him to your apartment and really give the asshole something to be jealous about. How dare he try to control you after he broke up with you!” Ramsey stamps a foot, her accent thickening because she’s angry.

  “I don’t want to fuck anyone,” I say under my breath. Except Beckett.

  “Good,” Griffin interrupts.

  We both narrow our eyes at him. “What does that mean?” Ramsey asks first.

  “Look, I’ve never seen Beck this upset. He’s barely functioning, Auden. If you tell him I told you, I’ll call you a fucking liar, but he’s a mess. I was shocked he messaged me because he’s been dodging calls since he went back to work.” Paranoid, he looks around, gaze darting from person to person. “I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but you should fix it.”

  “Fix it? Fix it?” I nearly shriek. “Wait, let me cut out Maisey’s heart and gift wrap it for him. Maybe that will fix it,” I yell this time. Heads swivel in our direction.

  At the same time, Griffin and Ramsey say, “What?”

  “Yeah, he’s all upset but he’s not telling anyone why. I was the recipient of his sister’s heart.” My voice lowers. “He can’t live with that.” The last sentence is barely a whisper. Ramsey hears. She takes me into her arms, planting a kiss on my head.

  “Jesus, Auddie. Why didn’t you tell me?” Oddly, she doesn’t seem shocked.

  Griffin looks like I’ve dropped a grenade. “You have his sister’s heart?”

  “Yes,” I answer. “I didn’t know! It was anonymous. There was no way for me to know when I met him. When we were at his parents, they did some research and figured it out. He went out all night came home beat up. He couldn’t even look at me. When he did, he vomited. He can’t even look at me.”

  Griffin’s only response is a hard swallow and a ghastly pale crossing his face.

  I go on, because I’m worked up and it’s the first time I’ve spoken these truths out loud to another human. There was no closure when Beck sent me away. “It might be the second thing that’s impossible for me to fix or do anything about in my lifetime. I couldn’t make my ex straight, and I can’t change the fact that his sister’s death is why I’m alive. Trust me, I know how twisted it is. It keeps me up at night. It doesn’t matter how much I love him, how I would give him everything and do anything for him. It doesn’t matter that despite it being his sister’s heart, it beats for him. I fell in love with him. All of him. Good and bad and that doesn’t change because of a technicality.” I suck in a deep, shuddering breath, “So even if I’m talking to another man, it doesn’t mean anything. It means less than nothing. It’s a meager distraction from the gaping hole in my heart.”

  “That’s some heavy shit,” Griffin says.

  “It is.” I throw up my arms. “Which is why it’s asinine Beck cares what I’m doing and who I’m doing it with. He should want me to get over him as quickly as possible. Please don’t tell him I told you. Let him tell you when the time is right. I’m sorry he’s upset, I am, but I’m the one who was left. I’m the one who didn’t have an option or a say in ending things.”

  “I’m sorry, Auden. I am. I didn’t know. He hasn’t been talking to anyone. He’s only been talking to his coworker about work. I tried calling his coworker now that he’s off shift and Beck’s on to try and help Beck. See if there was anything I could do.”

  Ramsey bristles in the confines of our hug, pulling out. “Coworker?”

  “Yeah, the month on month off schedule. Beck trades off with him back and forth.”

  Ramsey picks up her wine from the railing ledge where she sat it and drains it. “Makes sense.” She looks at me as I’m wiping under my eyes. “Auddie, I wish you would have told me earlier.”

  “What would it change?”

  “Everything. It changes everything,” Griffin mumbles, glancing at his phone. “I won’t say anything. I need to call him. Maybe he’ll talk now. I’ll be right back.”

  “Call him in front of us,” Ramsey orders, and it’s definitely an order, her eyes deadly. “Call him now.”

  His forehead creases, but he shakes his head as he pulls out his phone and dials Beck. “No answer,” he says.

  “Suddenly, I’m not feeling like socializing,” I say, laying a hand on my stomach. “I’m heading to bed. You guys stay.”

  “Bullshit,” Ramsey hisses. “I’m coming with you.”

  I hold up a palm. “No. I want to be alone.”

  “You’ve been alone for weeks. It’s not good for you. If you don’t want me, call one of your other friends to stay the night. You shouldn’t be alone.”

  “I’ll call Betty.” I won’t, but she doesn’t know that.

  My friend shakes her head, and Griffin dials Beck again. No answer. I want to hear his voice, even from the other side of a phone, but not more than I want to keep my pride. He cares, he must in some fucked up way if he’s jealous, and I hate that it makes me feel a certain way. How can he have this hold over me? It’s hard to swallow because we spent less than a month together. It wasn’t years spent living under the same roof, nor were there heavy promises made. It was just this fleeting, all-consuming sense of love. Obsession fades and this shit isn’t going anywhere. It’s coiled so tightly; I feel like it’s mixed with my blood. He’s part of me, and I can scarcely remember what it was like before he changed me like this. I hug Ramsey and reassure her once more that I’m fine and I leave. I see Peter on my way inside and I apologize profusely for my friend’s behavior. He seems more concerned if I’m okay. Which makes sense because Ramsey made it look like the sky was falling. Peter tells me which apartment he lives in and that I can stop by anytime on the weekend. He says he’s super busy during the weekdays.

  “I’m sorry again. Thanks for being so understanding. It was quite rude. Have a great night, Peter.”

  “It was a great night already,” he offers along with a grand smile.

  It’s the wrong smile. On the wrong face. I nod and step into the elevator when it pings open. I ride it down and ignore the flurry of texts coming in from Ramsey. She has her own ring tone. Lately it’s so I know who to avoid, but before it was to respond quicker. I text her back so she stops, but I do need to be alone. I’m the suffer in silence type. I spoke with my parents this morning, and they’re planning a visit out here next month. They never knew about Beck. I didn’t tell them, so it’s one less disappointment I save by not having to announce it ended.

  I shower off the day and put on a pair of sweatpants. I scrunch some hair crème into my hair and pour a glass of wine. Taking my laptop and a blanket, I make myself comfortable on the couch. I’m overwhelmed by how many shows I need to catch up on after not having TV time for all these weeks so I turn it off and work on financials for the store. My accountant, a friend from college, is expecting all of my documents next week, but I send them over now because they’re ready. When my store first opened, she helped me out to be a good person, now I pay her to handle almost all of the financial aspects of the business.

  I don’t hate this administrative part of the job anymore because the store is doing well. Very well. I can order even more product, and I start visiting my vendor websites when there’s a knock at my door and then a chime from the doorbell. My stomach flips when I see his face through the peephole. Warily, I open the door. “Walker,” I say, mouth sticking. I need a drink. And a bottle of holy water to dump on his head. “What, what are you doing here?” He looks the same but totally different. He’s wearing a thick gold wedding band, and his glasses are black and thicker rimmed than the ones he used to wear when we were together.

 

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