The lies you love, p.19
The Lies You Love, page 19
“Auden. My god, you’re a vision.”
I close my eyes for a beat. His voice brings me back to a whole different time and place. The good and bad memories hit with a swift punch. He leans down and picks up a large gift-wrapped box.
“What do you want?”
He licks his lips. “A friend of yours got in touch. He, ah, asked me to give you this.” Walker pauses. “He ordered me, actually. Said it would be good for you.” The box lets out a small yip.
Butterflies flap around wildly in my belly as I try to make sense of the scene in front of me. “Can I come in?” he asks, jiggling the box. “I haven’t seen you in so long. It would be good to talk, Auddie.”
Courage, Auden. You need this closure. You need this. I let him in and take the lid off the box. “A puppy. He thinks I need a puppy right now? He’s lost his mind.” It’s actually terribly cute. I meet Walker’s eyes. “Tell me then what do you want to talk about?”
“We never had closure, Auddie. I know you know I moved on with my life and it felt selfish after what happened to you.” His gaze dips to my chest, even though it’s covered by an oversized sweatshirt I know he means my heart. The accident. The one he wasn’t there for when I woke up from. “That night I told you the truth and haven’t been able to forgive myself for what I did to you. Please. I’d never ask for your forgiveness—I don’t deserve that. I’m only begging that you can try to understand why I did what I did. I was terrified of myself. Every day I woke up in skin that wasn’t my own. The way you loved me, though? That was the only thing that felt right. I loved you, Auddie. I loved you so much that I tried to change who I was because you fit.”
A tear sneaks down my face as I look at the man who is both my savior and my curse. The tan puppy puts his fat paws on my chest and licks my face. I open my mouth to speak but close it. Then once again. New and improved Auden holds no grudges. Life is too short. “How is your family, Walker?” I ask, my throat tightening. “Tell me about them.” I pour him a glass of the wine I have out and extend the glass to him.
His green eyes glass over. “Jesus, you really are a first-rate babe.” His smile is huge. “You know that, right?”
I sniffle and pet the wagging ball of energy in my lap. “Of course, I know that.”
We both laugh and conversation is easy. Even though he’s talking about the man he loves and their life, it’s familiar, and it gives me a warm feeling in my stomach. It makes sense, and I’m happy for him. I didn’t understand before when the wound was fresh and the rug was pulled from under me. Now that we’re both living different lives and he explained it in almost the same exact way, it makes perfect sense. Perspective is a terrifying thing. If I’d had it back then, maybe I wouldn’t have run into that street. Maybe I wouldn’t have almost died. He shows me photos on his phone and when he plays a video of his child toddling around a living room with a remote control in his hand, I think I may burst from joy. I want that. I want that so bad it hurts. “Walker, I understand, and you should know you do have my forgiveness. For everything. Even though you’re not asking for it.”
His eyes narrow. “Is this because of him? That big-ass intimidating man?”
I wipe the tears under my eyes, trying to keep emotions at bay. “It didn’t work out, but he’s the reason I’m okay now. Well, not really okay, because you know I’m here drinking wine by myself, but he’s the reason I know I’ll eventually get the life I want.” My lips tremble, and Walker, out of old habit has an immediate reaction.
He pulls me into a hug. One I didn’t know I needed. Especially from him. “You will one-hundred-percent get the life you want, Auddie. You deserve it all. Why didn’t it work out, if I can ask? He sure jumped through hoops to get me over here, with this specific dog, on this date.” He kind of chuckles, but it’s sarcastic.
I sigh. “Extenuating circumstances keep us from being us, but I’m just realizing he cares a lot more than I thought he did. In his own, sort of messed up but touching way. It was a whirlwind, you know?” I look at Walker and cock my head. “What else did he say? He can be frustrating when things don’t go his way.”
“Only that I shouldn’t take no for an answer, and if I made a move on you my life would end.”
I laugh. “You’re joking,” I say, heartwarming at the thought of Beck trying to make this happen. Another person might be upset with a forced encounter with their ex, but this is exactly what I needed. Even the dog. I get choked up. I want to be in Beck’s arms.
“Kind of,” he teases. “He said we needed to talk. And that the owner of the super successful pet store really should have a fucking dog.”
We laugh in unison like we did so many times in the past. This is the first time it’s true, though. We’re stripped of lies. I look at the dog. “He’s right, isn’t he?”
“Seems he knows you well, Auddie. You should try to make the extenuating circumstances a little less extenuating if you ask me.”
I exhale. “Can I ask you something? I mean, it’s your opinion I’d like, actually. You always did have the best advice.”
“You flatter me. Ask me anything, though. I’d love to give my opinion.” He winks, smarmy like usual. That hasn’t changed. I’m relieved he doesn’t seem like a totally different person.
“What makes a person, do you think? What is it that makes someone who they are?”
Walker’s eyes glaze over as he processes the question. “I don’t think it’s anything quantifiable. I think who you are is measured by your experiences. A little from each meaningful moment compiles until one day you look around and know without a shadow of a doubt who you are.” He didn’t say heart. He didn’t. That’s what the internet says makes a person, but mine is just an organ that keeps me alive. I’m grateful for it, but it doesn’t make me who I am. “A lot of you makes me who I am, you know?”
I nod. “Same.” The puppy licks my cheeks now that I’m not trying to stop the tears. “Thanks for this. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. That it might be too hard, but it’s not, is it?”
Walker shakes his head, drying his glasses on his shirt and returns them to his face. “It’s not. Dare I say, it’s a little like coming home to a best friend?” Grabbing my hand, the one that used to wear an engagement ring from him, he says, “I am sorry for wasting so many of your years. I truly am.” His eyes are earnest.
“You didn’t waste them. You gave me pieces to form who I am today.”
He squeezes my hand and the puppy bites my ear. “A puppy though? You really want to deal with all those teeth? And the poop?”
I laugh. “The good news is nothing lasts forever.”
“And the bad?”
“That nothing lasts forever.”
His eyes dip down in the corner, and he merely nods.
“Thanks for this, Walker. It was nice of you, and I really needed this.”
He lifts and lowers one shoulder. “There was one more thing. He wanted me to tell you something.”
My gaze trained on the puppy; I look up to meet his eyes. “What?”
“He said, and I quote, ‘I puked because I drank too much, not because I couldn’t look at you.’”
I shake my head. “What a damn poet.”
Walker leaves after another glass of wine and an extended goodbye. We make plans to meet up at one of our old brunch spots where I can meet his family. After he leaves, I’m left with this tiny spaniel looking at me. “Well, I’m not prepared to have you here, but I know somewhere we can go to fix that. What do you say?” He cocks his head.
I smile and sniffle. “God, I hate you, Beck.” Even though I don’t. I might love him a little more for knowing what I need before I’ve figured it out for myself.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Beck
I can’t escape her. Auden’s name seems to live on every pair of lips. Her face races through my mind constantly, and when there’s a blissful reprieve, I’m looking at her because Ramsey has been with her constantly. When Auden does speak it’s about how torn up she is. I’m trying to make her happy from afar, but most people don’t have a direct line to the person they’ve broken up with. It’s been weeks of this and it’s to the point that it’s unbearable. Asking for time off isn’t something I’ve done before—and I’m considering it. If Grey pulled this kind of bullshit I’d be pissed, I know that much. So, I work distracted. I did the best I could to leave my feelings for her in my apartment, on the bedroom floor, unfortunately, the love remains. Love always remains.
Ramsey and Auden are walking the puppy, something I offered as a peace offering for doing what I said I wouldn’t, leaving. The dog seems to make her happier, and I will admit after the meeting with Walker went to plan, Auden seems to hate me less, judging by how she speaks about me to Ramsey. I’m staying several paces behind the women, but they’re heading for the jogging trail where Ramsey was almost abducted. She hasn’t been here in months, and I have no idea why she’s choosing today to go back. The sign I had made to keep her out is gone now; ostensibly the city removed it after they realized it wasn’t valid.
I hate that I follow a little closer, just so I can catch the scent of Auden’s perfume in the wind. I hate a lot of things these days mostly myself. I’m not healing from the shock of the transplant information. I visited Maisey’s favorite place in Texas before I flew home. I sat in the grass at a park and cried. I begged her to tell me what to do. I pleaded with her to help me fix the fucking mess I created. I couldn’t, though, because even though it doesn’t make sense to hold her heart against her, I know that Auden is better off with a man who can give her everything she deserves. Only part of me knows that, though. The other, jealous half is doing everything in his power to stop every man from looking in her direction.
Every day I get closer to letting her go. Not because I want to, but because it’s what she deserves. I keep sending her reminders that I love her. Even the small subtle ones seem to cheer her up, so it’s going to be difficult to cut the cord completely. There’s also the fact that at this point I’m basically guarding both my Principal and Auden. If they stick together, it’s easier for me, but there are times they aren’t near and that’s when I feel stretched thin and worried for not only my sanity but Ramsey’s life. She is who relies on me. She is the life I’m bound to protect. I find that constantly reminding myself of that fact is a bad sign.
They take a shortcut onto the wooded trail, and I pull back even further because it will be harder to hide when the bustle of humans on a busy sidewalk can’t conceal me and the sounds my feet make. The dog, which Auden affectionately named Pork, because even though it’s her business she was unaware how much puppies eat, pauses and turns around. I swear to God I’ve been on this dog’s radar since the first day I was trailing them. I kept him in my place for a few days, and that was enough for him to know me on any street corner from half a mile away. I halt, pausing where the trail begins, turning toward a few people having a picnic on the grass. They look at me funny, crinkling their brows.
I clear my throat and ask, “Do you know where this trail comes out or if it’s an out and back?”
The confusion disappears. “Oh, I think it can be both,” the woman says. “It forks a mile or so in.”
I pretend to be amazed by this information. I know these trails intimately because I did a deep dive after the incident with Ramsey.
“I’m not sure if it’s left or right that loops back around though.”
“Hey, thanks,” I say, putting a hand up in a goodbye gesture. She smiles back, and I enter the trail at the perfect distance behind the women. They’re walking at a brisk clip in a constant state of conversation. It sounds like they’re speaking about something important, or at least something I’d be interested in, so I turn on the earpiece and pray Ramsey’s phone isn’t in her back pocket.
“There is a reason I asked you to come on the walk with me today.” It is an odd time—in the middle of the day, at a time Auden is almost exclusively at the store.
“Yeah?” Ramsey replies.
The audio is a little scratchy, but I can hear them both perfectly in the tiny bud inside my ear.
“My accountant called and said that my new bookkeeper sent over different information than I did.” Auden clears her throat, a self-conscious gesture. “I don’t have a bookkeeper, you know that.” Another noise from her throat. “She said it was Tess’s name on the company email.”
Ramsey’s shoulders slouch down a bit. “Really?”
“Yeah,” Auden says in a rush, relieved that information is out in the open. “You’ve been in the store more and more lately. Do you know anything? I mean, I know you’d tell me if you saw Tess doing anything… financially corrupt, but I guess I’m asking if you’ve seen her do anything unscrupulous at all while she’s been there. Anything that might be construed as wrong in light of this new discovery?”
A sharp pang slices my stomach when I realize what’s she’s suggested. That Tess is stealing. There is no way.
“I’m rarely there when she is so I don’t know what to think.”
Ramsey stays silent. Then finally says, “What did you send?”
“What does that matter?”
“Maybe the accountant got confused. The shop’s business did pick up a lot.”
Ramsey is lying. Her tone is off, and she’s deflecting. Gaslighting.
“I don’t think so. My accountant was specific in what she said. Plus, she’s one of my oldest friends.”
My heart pounds faster as they walk.
“I haven’t seen Tess do anything shady. I mean, she does spend a lot of time on the laptop in the back. The business one not her personal computer.”
Auden picks up her pace as the dog tugs forward on the leash. Everything inside me wants to ask my own questions, but I have to hang in the darkness and listen. “I was afraid of that,” Auden says. “Beck trusts her. You know he was the only reason I hired her. He vouched for her. I’ll have to get the cops involved.”
Ramsey turns to look at Auden, and there’s a shift in the dynamic. Something malevolent seeps from Ramsey, and I’m looking at a person I don’t know. “Don’t get them involved. We’ll take care of it, Auddie. You can’t trust Beck. You know that now. He only told you to hire Tess because she was an easy fill. He just wanted to get laid. Men do stupid shit chasing pussy. I’ll handle this. Don’t worry.” She drapes an arm around Auden’s shoulder, and nothing has seemed more threatening.
“I want to take care of this the right way. I appreciate that, Rams, but I want to let the professionals handle it. My accountant said this was sort of huge. The influx of funds and stuff seemed scrubbed that I had in my documents.”
“Why don’t you let me take over the financial stuff? You have your hands full with everything else. It’s your least favorite part of running the store. My degree is in business and you trust me most. I’ll sort this out.”
Auden’s silence speaks volumes.
“You trust me, don’t you?” Ramsey adds.
“Of course,” Auden replies, tone low. “This isn’t something to be sorted, it’s a crime.”
“I see.”
“Don’t be mad at me, please. This is bigger than the both of us,” Auden explains. “You’re my best friend. I wouldn’t want you to get wrapped up in something messy because you are trying to do me a favor.”
“It’s fine,” Ramsey declares—the fight obviously rooted deep in her heart.
“I hope you mean that.”
“I do, what choice have you given me?” Ramsey counters.
“What would you do first?” Auden is trying to make Ramsey feel important. Like she’s asking for advice after upsetting her.
“Don’t confront Tess. Stay quiet and gather evidence. At least another week or so,” Ramsey replies, voice unmoving.
“I can do that,” Auden says.
“It’s getting late. I’m meeting Griffin at the diner off Park and I want to go home and shower first.”
Shower, again? It will be the third one today.
“Call me tonight and we’ll come up with a plan for this week before you turn the information into the cops.” Ramsey pauses. “Better yet, I’ll come over to your place. Wine on the rooftop and chat.”
“Okay. See you later.”
Quickly, I turn to the side, pulling my cap lower over my eyes. Why did she have to end the walk early? I need more information. It’s not ideal, but I have to figure out what exactly Tess is doing before I call Ronan. There’s a lump in my neck I can’t swallow down. One more fucking thing to deal with. Another negative that stems from my goddamn love for Auden. I wish I never met her at that bar, wish I didn’t give her my heart so easily. Hell, like I had a choice in it. Ramsey turns and heads back my way and Auden continues on down the trail with the dog leaping at another dog walking past.
I pretend to be overly interested in the leaves on a tree lining the rocky dirty path.
“I know it’s you. Meet me at my apartment,” Ramsey says loud enough for me to hear as she jogs past me.
The lump in my throat turns to a boulder. I don’t panic, I can’t afford to, this is my entire life on the line and it’s test time. The one that matters.
****
Ramsey is standing in her open apartment door when the elevator pings open on her floor. She’s shooting daggers at me, but I ignore it and pass by her and into her space. A place I’ve never been, and also somewhere that’s familiar in ways that would creep Ramsey out.
“You need to start talking, Beckett,” Ramsey hisses, slamming the door behind her.
I thought about this on the way over, and I have to stick to this dumb-ass plan as a way to conceal my real purpose in her life.
“I miss Auden, okay? I happened to see her walking the dog and just followed a bit. That’s all that happened.”
