Capacity, p.7
Capacity, page 7
The air thickened like a force field blocking out anything that wasn’t us. I made no attempt to hide the way I watched her spoon dip into my yogurt. She did it so slowly, only dipping the tip in before scooping up a mini marshmallow and a ribbon of caramel. The silky way it piled on her pink tongue made my cock ache.
Shit.
“How is it?” I quizzed. My voice was low and hungry. Her eyes fell shut and she rolled her plump lips between her teeth. A husky satiated moan rolled from her throat and tugged at my core. I couldn’t ignore the primal fire that ignited inside of me.
I shifted in my seat and discreetly adjusted my semi-hard dick. I tried my best to keep my professional mask in place but it was hard as fuck. Ms. Foster was so sexy. I’d be a fool not to notice.
“It’s delicious.” She opened her eyes and smiled at me. It was only a half-smile but I was still in awe.
“See, not so bad.” Our stares tangled. Heat popped and sizzled in the air. I shifted in my seat again, grateful that she couldn’t see what was happening under the table. I covered my embarrassment with a laugh and a change of topic. Anything to make my dick go down.
“So how’s Lakeview been treating you? I hope you’re enjoying your job.”
“It’s perfect. I love the change of pace. It actually feels good to work again. It takes my mind off things.”
“Things like what?”
“My son.” Her slender throat dipped and she focused on the red swirls melting into her frozen yogurt. My stomach tipped over and the yogurt didn’t taste as sweet anymore.
“Oh…” I pushed out a breath and met her gaze. “I know how hard that is. Nothing will ever stop you from thinking about him so you have to find things to fill your day so your mind won’t run away from you.”
“That’s exactly it. I’m finding things to fill my day so I won’t lose my mind. It’s tough.” The sadness in her eyes was at the forefront burning as brightly as passion. As strange as it was, I understood it. I knew how the two could mesh and become indistinguishable.
“Do you have family here in Lakeview?”
“I do, my mom is here and so is Coco. She’s like my sister. She’s the reason I’m in Connecticut now.” I saw unspoken secrets mulling around in her head and as much as I wanted to know what she was hiding, I kept my mouth shut and listened instead of prying. “I needed a change of scenery.” It was more than her needing a change of scenery but what pushed her to Connecticut?
“I probably need a change of scenery too,” I said, scraping the bottom of my yogurt cup. “I’m still living in the house my wife died in.” My brows bunched together. It still hurt to speak out loud about losing Hazel.
“I’m sorry about your wife, Mr. Cunningham. I can’t imagine losing a spouse.”
“It’s bad. It’s why I couldn’t stop drinking and spiraling.”
“You’re celebrating one month sober now. You’re not spiraling anymore.”
“You’re right. It’s hard realizing I’m not as much of a fuck up as I used to be. Excuse my language,” I smiled.
“I like your language. Makes you real. There aren’t enough real people around.” She finished her yogurt and I stood promptly, trashing the napkins we left behind.
“That means a lot coming from you.” My hand went to the small of her back and I led her toward the glass door. “Thank you again for celebrating with me, Ms. Foster.”
“You’re welcome, Mr. Cunningham.” My eyes lingered on hers before we walked to my car.
“I really enjoyed this. I haven’t had frozen yogurt since…” Her voice trailed off and in its absence, grief swelled.
“Your son was alive?” I said, knowingly. She clicked her seatbelt in place and gave me a quick nod. It was so hard for her to speak about him. I knew that pain. “Ms. Foster, can I ask you a personal question without offending you?”
“That depends.” I caught hints of her attitude. It should have sobered me but instead, it made me curious. I liked her fire.
“I’ll tread lightly,” I said. “I just wanted to know what your son’s name was. You only talk about him sporadically but you never mention him by name.” For a few seconds, I thought maybe I’d said the wrong thing. Maybe asking what her son’s name touched on a raw nerve.
After silence trailed on for a few seconds she said, “His name was Kaiden.” Her voice was clothed in soft reverence. I knew what a holy act it could be to mention your loved one’s name once they were no longer here. It was like a chant to call them forth from the afterlife but it never yielded results. Instead, the only things it conjured up were memories and bittersweet nostalgia.
“Thank you for sharing that with me. I know it’s tough to say his name out loud. Hell, it’s hard to say my wife’s name too. Sometimes it’s too much to talk about her but other times I feel like if I don’t, she’ll die twice. Once on earth and a second time in my mind.” I pulled into Lakeview High’s parking lot right beside Ms. Foster’s car.
The silence between us was immense. It drove me crazy not to know what she was thinking. “What was her name?” Ms. Foster asked, looking down at her fingers. Her nails were bare but neatly trimmed and filed.
“Hazel.” I felt my wife’s presence when I spoke her name. “She was the love of my life.” I scrubbed at the stubble filling in my jawline then said, “Or at least she was the love of my life while she was here.”
“You were the love of her life and she was yours. Nothing wrong with that.” She was right but as I sat beside her, alone in the close space of my car, I wondered if hearts could grow enough to house two great loves.
“Thank you for talking with me. I didn’t realize how much I needed this.” I touched the back of her hand and her lips lifted in a half-smile.
“I needed it too, Mr. Cunningham.” She kept her eyes trained on the point where our hands connected and I wondered if she felt the heat and energy humming between us. I wondered if I was experiencing a one-sided connection.
“Call me Knight, please,” I told her, skimming my thumb along her knuckles. My heart raced furiously from that small point of contact. “I think after all the things we’ve shared tonight we’re beyond being Mr. Cunningham and Ms. Foster…at least outside of work.”
She took time crafting her response but she took time with everything she said. She never said anything without thinking it through thoroughly. It was why I enjoyed our lunchtime conversations so much.
“You’re right. I guess we were both so busy trying to be professional we didn’t realize we were becoming friends.”
Friends.
We were friends.
Hearing her say that brought on a mixture of feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy as hell to have a friend like her but something in my mind…some untapped, un-consulted part of me wanted something deeper. Something that went beyond friendship. I wasn’t ready for whatever that was though.
“Now we know.” I went from stroking the silky skin on the back of her hand to holding her hand in mine. It felt so good.
“Now we know,” she repeated. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Knight.” It was the sweetest sound I’d ever heard. Her mouth saying my name.
“Goodnight, Lumi.” I raised her dainty hand to my lips and pressed a kiss to her knuckles.
Her face lit up with a smile. A full smile that stretched from one cheek to the other. The Mona Lisa was finally bathed in sunlight and she was fucking gorgeous.
I watched as she got into her car and drove off. I still sat there with some kind of hangover. Some feeling that nailed me to my spot like gravity. I didn’t move until a phone call from Terrance snapped me out of it.
“What’s up, bro? Happy one-month sobriety anniversary.”
“Thanks, T. I just got finished celebrating with a little froyo.”
“Wow. Don’t ever say froyo again. You want to get dinner? I wanted to help you celebrate but to be honest, Knight I’m feeling close to the line, man.”
“Let’s grab dinner then.” I knew the feeling he was talking about. When you got so close to crossing a dangerous line. So close to taking a drink and tossing shame to the wind. I’d been there before, standing in front of the bottle of whiskey I kept in my cabinet. I still couldn’t toss it out. I’d remain sober despite it.
Terrance and I grabbed dinner at a place without any alcohol on the menu.
Chick-fil-a.
“So, who’d you celebrate with?” Terrance asked.
“What makes you think I celebrated with someone?” I chuckled, reclining in my seat. The smooth feel of Ms. Foster’s—Lumi’s—skin was still on my lips. I knew her lips were even softer.
“You look happy. I know you’re not happy to be out with me at Chick-fil-a because I’m on the verge of having a drink.”
“I’m glad you called me though, T.”
“Yeah, me too now who’d you go out with?”
“You sure you don’t want to talk about what’s pushing you close to the line?” I quizzed before biting into my chicken sandwich.
“Later. What’s her name?” He lifted his dark brows and I saw the playful spark in his features.
“She’s just a friend.”
“A friend? Like Biz Markie, You Got What I Need kind of friend or Golden Girls thank you for being a friend?”
“What?” A laugh flew from me as I shook my head at him. “You need to work on your analogies, T. She’s a friend and a coworker. She’s the nurse at my school. Lumi Foster.” Her name held weight. It was a melody. A perfect snapshot of beauty. Even then, I pictured her smooth hazelnut skin and emerald-gold eyes and that fucking smile. Jesus Christ she was going to stretch me into a thin thread of confusion and lost composure.
“Doesn’t sound like just a friend. Sounds like you’re open as fuck.”
“Moving on,” I said, clapping my hands together and leaning forward. “What’s up with you, T? You’ve been strong for nearly a year. In a few months you get your chip. What’s bothering you?” I liked the friendship growing between us. It had been so long since I had a brotherly bond with anyone after Hazel died.
I cut all my old friends off and isolated myself because I got tired of being the friend who was always depressed. I got tired of bringing down the mood of the room because I couldn’t stop talking about Hazel’s last moments or her happy moments or any moment I stuff into a conversation. Anything to help me not feel numb and lost inside.
Eventually, I stopped calling people and they stopped inviting me out. Hazel’s friends faded into the background and went on with their lives like the world hadn’t lost a piece of the sun. I was the only one stuck in darkness.
Terrance understood though. He knew what the pain of losing your wife felt like and he knew the importance of friends who would listen no matter how many times you had to talk about her. I knew eventually, I’d stop rambling about her smile and the jokes we told. I knew one day she’d fade into the back of my mind in sepia tones.
Not today though. I wasn’t ready to put my mental photographs away yet. I hung them around the landscape of my psyche like wallpaper. Maybe it was torture. Maybe I needed to find something else to deem beautiful and pure.
Terrance let out a slow exhale then looked at the napkins in front of him. “One of the elderly clients I was working with died today. She was in a hoarding situation and her daughter set up a consultation with me. I started working with her a couple of months ago and I’d go there every day. We were making progress room by room and she was so happy, man.” He shook his head like the pain was too much.
“Damn,” I sighed. “That’s devastating, T.”
“Tell me about it. To see someone so happy about getting a fresh start, then they’re gone. Life is so fucking fragile.”
“It is and it never stops being fragile. That’s why what we’re doing is so important. We’re proving there’s strength in fragility.” I paused for a minute and thought about Lumi’s silent strength. Losing a kid was unnatural and I knew she carried an immense amount of pain inside her but she was always the picture of peace and composure.
“We’ve gone through losing our wives, T. We’ve survived even though we lost our way a little. You can pull through this too. Why don’t you help her family clean the house out? You know they’ll need help with that.”
I watched a spark jump in his brown eyes as he regarded me. “I like that idea, Knight. Now that you mention it, I think I’ll add that on as a secret service I offer. If a client dies during the cleaning process, I’ll clean the house out for free.”
“That’s a great idea,” I smiled. It made me feel good to be able to help someone like Terrance who, in my mind, was so far ahead of me on the sobriety path.
“So let me put the spotlight back on you.” He donned a lopsided grin. “You gonna call Miss Lumi Foster when you get home?”
“Nah. She’s just a friend,” I said sternly, shaking my head.
A friend with a gorgeous smile and eyes that could pierce my armor with ease. A friend that I had an undeniable connection with. A friend who understood me.
She was just a friend.
…
CHAPTER 7
My feet were clouds as I moved around my living room. How did one little frozen yogurt celebration make me feel weightless? It wasn’t even a date. I was just celebrating something special with a friend. That was it.
Right?
My stomach tightened while I walked up the steps and made my way to the bedroom. I tossed my scrubs on the chair across from my bed then started my shower.
Mr. Cunningham was no more. He was Knight now. Well, he’d still be Mr. Cunningham during school hours but saying his name out loud tonight made me tingle. I was so damn deprived. I had to stop making mountains of molehills though. As fine as Knight was and as sweet and kind as he treated me every day, he wasn’t interested in anything but a friendship. Neither was I but it felt nice to indulge in thoughts of something else.
I barely felt the floor as I walked to the bathroom and climbed in the shower. I took my hair from its tight bun and let wavy black hair rain down my back. My mind replayed the way Knight kissed my hand before I got out and my throat threatened to close.
His lips were so warm and soft. It was a brief moment but it was welded into my brain. I still felt his kiss. I’d been so worried that he would see my scars but at the same time, I wanted his kiss to inch higher up my wrists. I wanted it to close over my mouth so I could feel his tongue against mine.
My thighs thrummed beneath the beating spray of the shower.
Lumi, what the hell is wrong with you? You’re fantasizing about your boss.
It didn’t stop my hand from traveling below my navel and between my thighs to massage my aching clit. I needed some kind of release. So many hungry emotions piled up inside my core that if I didn’t have an orgasm soon I would pop.
I braced my back against the slippery tiled wall and bit my bottom lip while I worked in tight circles around my clit. My mind played out fantasies that I knew would never happen but I couldn’t help thinking about them.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Knight’s mouth on me. I wanted to feel his warm breath tickle my pussy before he drowned in my wetness. I wanted to feel his hair glide through my fingers like silk while my back arched in response to his mouth.
I pinched my nipples then rolled them between my fingers while my hips rocked to the motion I created with my strokes. Hot water rolled down my body making me buzz and tingle. The sensation helped push me closer to the brink of a heart-stopping orgasm.
My muscles tightened beneath my skin turning to bricks as I massaged my clit faster. I saw his sapphire blue eyes in my mind. I saw desire smolder in them. Desire for me.
My spine curled forward and I came hard as shit. I came so hard I couldn’t find my voice to call out. I was only able to splay my free hand against the shower wall and tremble.
If I came that hard thinking about him, I wondered how it would feel if I actually fucked him. The thought made my needy body jolt again and I bit my bottom lip.
Nobody had to know Knight was my secret fantasy. I’d keep it to myself because I didn’t need Coco nudging me toward him when I knew damn well he wasn’t really attracted to me. He was being nice. We were friends.
I just hoped he wasn’t my friend because he pitied me. I didn’t get that vibe from him but I didn’t put anything past anyone. People showed you what they wanted you to see. Knight might have been showing me his palatable side.
I dragged my tired ass into bed after putting on my pajamas and let my head hit the pillow. My house wasn’t fully furnished the way I wanted yet but I had a real bed and a couch. The patio furniture was finally outside where it belonged and every week I picked up different appliances. It felt good not sleeping on that damn air mattress anymore.
I reached over to the nightstand where I kept a framed picture of Kaiden and two of his favorite Hot Wheels and clutched the picture close to my chest after kissing it. Even though I didn’t want to die anymore, I still felt the tremendous guilt of living life while my son didn’t have the same privilege. In some ways, it was worse than being suicidal.
…
My stomach fluttered as I stepped out of the house and locked the door. I was only going to work but after having frozen yogurt with Knight last night, I was so anxious to see him this morning. Also, I didn’t know if I could look him in the eye knowing I got off to thoughts of him last night.
I ignored my growling stomach, steadied my breathing, and focused on the dead flower bush to the left of my porch. I traced its crunchy brown leaves down to the soil where I saw the tiniest purple petals peeking through. I blinked a few times then looked a little closer, bending at the waist.
A small flower had blossomed on the seemingly dead bush. I didn’t have time to call my mother to ask her what kind of flower it was so I took a picture of it, sent it to her and got in my car.
Lakeview High School was moderately sized for the small town I lived in. There were about nine hundred students in attendance and even that small number felt like too much.
When I pulled up next to the parking space reserved for Lakeview’s Best Principal, I smiled a little. It seemed every time I was around Knight I smiled a little more. Now, even seeing his car brought on a soft grin.
