Capacity, p.24
Capacity, page 24
Walking into the hotel was strange. It felt like I was in an alternate universe and it had only been three months since I’d been back home on Texas soil. My life had already changed so much.
Before I left, I didn’t have much a life to begin with. If I had my way, I wouldn’t have a life at all. I slipped the key card into the metal slot on my door and walked into the spacious suite. I tossed my bag on the couch in the sitting room then went to the bathroom to freshen up. I hated flying. It always made me feel gross.
When I stepped into the plume of warm steam and water in the shower, I looked down at my wrists and arms studying the deep scars that ran along my brown skin. Reminders that I wanted to end my life. I wanted to be with my son and leave everything and everyone else behind.
Thoughts of how devastated my mother would be rolled through my mind. I saw her tear-stained face at my funeral. I saw the pastor gently weaving around the gruesome fact that I’d slashed my wrists and let all the blood leak out while he tried to comfort my family and friends.
Oh god, and Coco. She found me. It would forever haunt her and change the bright, sassy person she’d always been. It would take a chunk from her and make her wonder if it were her fault. What would have happened if she got to me sooner?
I would’ve never met Knight. I would’ve never met Zach. Who knows what track their lives would have taken without me. I’d never know if they would have been better off or worse without me. I’d never know because my life was spared by something bigger than me. Some force that knew I wasn’t done yet.
Tears rolled freely down my face while I gently washed my arms letting the water rinse the suds away. I still had trouble gripping things with my hands and sometimes jolts of pain would skitter down my fingers. It was a small price to pay.
I could have been gone.
Ripped away from life.
My thoughts flickered to Knight and my stomach flopped. I was glad I wasn’t successful in my suicide. It meant I had the chance to know him. The man I loved.
I shut the water off, stepped out of the shower, and wrapped a fluffy white towel around my body. I had to tell Knight how I felt. Now wasn’t the time though. Maybe once I got back I’d find the right moment.
Were there truly any right moments though?
I knew the answer to that.
No.
There weren’t any right moments. There was only one moment and it was the present. It wasn’t right or wrong it just was.
When I got back to Connecticut, I’d tell Knight how I felt. I would tell him in the moment, and no matter what the moment was, it would be right.
Thinking about him made my stomach flutter with a thousand butterflies. His smile and those gorgeous blue eyes. The way he held me. The way he fucked me. The way he poured so much warmth and passion into me. He helped me realize I deserved to be treated like a queen.
I no longer shied away from love and happiness. I reveled in them. I accepted them as a part of me. I smiled more and I laughed frequently. I wasn’t completely free from the darkness but it was so nice to feel the sun shine on my face.
I picked up my phone and called Knight. I wanted to catch him before he went to AA. When his deep, gruff voice came through the phone, a shiver marched up and down my spine.
“Hey, beautiful. You made it safely.”
“I did. I just got out of the shower and I was thinking about you. Is it corny that I miss you already?” I laughed with the phone pinned against my ear.
“No. I miss you too, Lumi.” His voice caressed my name. It was satin slipping across my skin. “Did you say you just got out of the shower?”
“Yup,” I grinned, biting my bottom lip. I laid on my stomach in my towel and kicked my feet up behind me, wiggling my toes.
“I don’t believe you. I mean if you sent me pictures then maybe I’d believe you but otherwise…” His voice hung in the air leaving space for my laughter to bubble over.
“Pictures you say?” I quizzed, lifting an eyebrow. “I can do you one better.” I pulled the phone away from my ear and hit the Facetime button. In seconds, Knight’s devastatingly gorgeous face popped up. I could tell from the background that he was in the car. He wasn’t moving though.
“There she is.” His face brightened into a smile and my heart raced against my breastbone.
“See, I just got out of the shower.” I showed him my towel and opened it briefly for a quick peek inside at my breasts and stomach. Knight’s sapphire eyes swept the small space of his car then leaned forward.
“Lumi,” he growled. “I can’t properly appreciate you while I’m in the car.”
“I know,” I pouted.
“Take the towel off.” I shifted around and untied the knot letting it fall away from my body. “Now I’m going to have a hard dick on the way to AA.”
A giggle flew from my mouth. I tortured him by sliding my hand down my body, stopping at my breasts, pinching my nipples like I knew he’d do if he were in front of me.
“God, Lumi. You know if I were there with you, I’d pin you down and eat your pussy until you drowned me, right?”
“I know.” It came out as a half-sigh half-whimper. “I didn’t mean to tease you,” I told him. “I just wanted to catch you before you went to the meeting to tell you how proud I am of you, Knight.” My words caught him off guard. His dark blond brows twisted into a question mark.
“Proud of me?” He chuckled at the absurdity.
“You’ve been sober for three months and after how close you came last month, I think you should be proud too. You didn’t falter. It takes someone with insane inner-strength to step back from the ledge. You did it. I didn’t have that much strength when I was faced with my own ledge.” Hot tears pricked my eyes but I blinked them away.
“Lumi, what you were going through was different.”
“I know but still. I’m so proud of your journey, Knight. You amaze me every day. You’ve turned your weakness into a strong foundation to stand on and now you’re helping people. It’s such a beautiful transformation. You deserve all the celebration, baby.” A smile lifted my lips. Knight smiled back at me and shook his head.
“I don’t even know what to say, Lumi. That means so much to me. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Fuck, I want to kiss you so bad right now.” He shoved his fingers through his hair and stared at me for a while.
“Soon.”
“Soon,” he said back.
“Go to your meeting, Knight. I just wanted to tell you how proud of you I am. Call me when you’re done. I want to see your chip. You don’t get another one until six months, right?”
“Yup. It seems like a lifetime from now.”
“It’ll go by fast. I promise.”
“Yeah?” He smirked a little and my stomach clenched. God, he was sexy. His sharp jawline and strong chin should have been on the pages of a magazine.
“I have some ideas on how to pass the time.”
“I’m all ears, Lumi,” he laughed.
“I bet you are. Go to your meeting. I’ll show you how I’ll keep you busy for the next three months later.”
“I’ll hold you to it.” He paused then said, “I left something in your bag. I figured you must not have found it yet since you haven’t said anything.”
My face crashed into a frown. “You snuck something in my bag? Knight, what if I got in trouble going through airport security,” I teased.
“Nah, you wouldn’t get stopped for what I left. I still have a few minutes. Go look at it.”
I nodded and grabbed my bag from the sitting room. “I must say, Ms. Foster, I don’t mind looking at this view.” I was completely naked walking around my suite and the way I angled the phone gave Knight a perfect view of my breasts.
“Perv.”
“Hey, we can’t all be perfect. Some of us have to have fun.” His deep laugh made me tingle. I grabbed my bag and brought it to the bed then I unzipped it, looking for what didn’t belong. “It’s at the very bottom in a blue bag.”
I shoved my hand all the way down and connected with a small gift bag. I pulled it out and reached inside. I took out two brand new Hot Wheels and a birthday card that read:
Kaiden,
Happy birthday. Keep watching over your mommy. She can still feel your love and she’ll always need it.
Knight
My hands shook as I stared down at the cars and the card. They shook until Knight’s written words were no longer legible. They were only blurs. Maybe it was because of my tears. I couldn’t tell. Fat drops splashed onto the card threatening to smear the ink. I snapped the card shut and closed my eyes for a moment.
“Lumi? I’m sorry if I overstepped. I wanted you to know I cared and…”
“It’s so perfect.” My lips quivered and I pressed them into a tight line. “Thank you.”
“I think about him too even though I didn’t know him. I see the impact he left on you and I know he’s the reason you are the woman you are today. He’s the reason you’re a mother. He’s your foundation. I couldn’t let today go by without honoring him in some way.”
More tears.
Hot. Wet. Burning into my fucking soul.
“Thank you, Knight.” My voice was a whisper because the gratitude and pain held my vocal cords hostage in their grip, battling and dueling.
“Don’t thank me. Go wish your boy a happy birthday.” The muscles in his throat flexed when he swallowed back his own emotion. “I’ll call you when I get out of AA, okay?”
“Okay.”
I love you so much.
The words collected in my throat. They occupied the silent space between us before we ended the call. Like both of us wanted to say it but neither of us could. I needed to be in front of him to say it. I needed to pour it into him until it overflowed.
After our Facetime was over, I looked at the birthday card again. On the front was a blue racecar with the number seven on it in a black and white checkered pattern. It read Birthday Boy in glittering red letters. Kaiden would have loved it. He would have loved Knight
It was a fucking shame that a man who never even met my son cared more than his own father. Jacob was a joke. I hated even thinking about him.
How could I be so stupid to fall for someone like him? Someone who had the balls to get me pregnant then leave. Someone who could ignore the death of their own kid.
My bones were rigid thinking about Jacob. He was a vampire even when he wasn’t around. Even though I hadn’t seen him since I was pregnant with Kaiden. He was toxic trash.
With a heavy sigh, I tucked the birthday card and Hot Wheels in my purse then got dressed. I wore a pink wrap dress with tiny flowers all over it. Kaiden loved when I wore it. He told me I looked like a princess.
The memory gutted me leaving my heart beating on the floor at my feet.
I missed him.
…
Every time I set foot in the cemetery where Kaiden was buried, I felt my chest split open. I put one foot in front of the other until I came to his tombstone. I lowered my head and pulled in a deep, shaky breath.
“Happy birthday, Kaiden.” My voice was a trembling leaf in the face of a thunderstorm. I sat on the bench in front of his grave and wiped away the tears skating down my cheeks. “I miss you so much. I think about you every day, baby.” I brushed dirt from the front of the stone and tried to steady my emotions.
I caught a glimpse of my scar as I brought my hand back to my lap and my chest ached. “I wanted to be with you so bad I almost did something stupid. My world just isn’t right without you in it.”
The pain ate at me, piece by piece with piercing teeth. I was still numb though. I only felt the dull throb of emptiness.
I sat in silence listening to the wind around me while I thought about what I’d be doing if Kaiden had never been ripped from me. “We’d probably have a party and invite your friends from school,” I sniffed. “Then we’d come home and crash in front of the TV watching whatever you wanted while we pigged out. I’d probably fuss at you for leaving your shoes in the kitchen.” A pained and guttural noise tore from my throat. It was a twisted and agonizing laugh. It was sour on my tongue and held no warmth or happiness.
It was a laugh in the face of cruelty. It was a laugh at the universe itself for leaving me behind without the one person who made life worth living.
My mind pictured Kaiden’s shoes and toys scattered on his bedroom floor. I pictured myself making him lunch in the kitchen, cutting his PB&J in half diagonally because he didn’t like it cut straight down the middle. I saw myself taking his temperature when he was sick and curling my body around his because he didn’t want to be alone.
My heart was shattered.
I stroked the cold, hard block of cement that held his name and birthday. It was the only point of physical contact I had for my baby. I touched it as gently as I would have stroked the top of his head. I laid ginger hands on the tombstone the way I would hold his hands in mine or cup his chubby cheeks against my palms. I stroked his name with my thumb the same way I would wipe away his tears when he was sad.
I pulled my hands away, realizing that my baby boy would never come back no matter how sweetly I touched his grave. No matter how many tears I spilled onto the stone. No matter how many sobs cut themselves from my heart and flooded the air.
Kaiden wasn’t coming back.
A hole in the shape of him would be in my soul forever.
I knelt on the sunbaked earth and nestled the Hot Wheels against his tombstone, tucking them into the dirt so they wouldn’t be blown away and couldn’t be easily seen. Once I was done, I tried to stand but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move from that spot in front of his final resting place.
I knew I looked silly but I couldn’t make myself care. I leaned in and pressed my lips to the top of the cold tombstone then wrapped my arms around it. Sobs shook my shoulders as I melted into a puddle of regret and memories. Memories I’d never get back. Time I’d never get back.
“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear, Kaiden…” My voice broke into a million tiny shards over his name. “Happy birthday…to…you,” I stuttered with a tear-logged voice. “I know you’re in heaven. I know there are no tears for you up there. Just…please don’t forget Mommy. I’ll never forget you, baby. Ever.”
I stood on wobbly legs and brushed the dirt from my dress.
“Ms. Foster?” My name came from a disembodied voice behind me. I turned to see Cecily and a tall man dressed in a suit with a crop of jet-black locs faded low on the sides and the back. I’d almost forgotten Cecily was just as affected by Kaiden’s death as I was in her own way.
She was his babysitter and the only person who’d watch him on nights when my schedule was insane. She’d loved him since he was three, watching him and caring for him like he was her own.
She was with him when he got killed. She was the one who called me, crying hysterically. She was at ground zero. I could never deny her grief. She blamed herself for so long and I hated it. I never wanted her to feel that pain and regret. I did everything I could to take the burden off her but Cecily cared too deeply. She would always share the pain with me.
We collided in a hug that sucked the air from us.
“Oh my god, Ms. Foster. I’m so glad you’re here because this was the hardest thing for me to do.” She cried on my shoulder as I held her close. She smelled sweet. Like pure sugar. Like Fruity Pebbles.
“I know, sweetheart.” I rubbed her back until her tears subsided then I put on a strong face. “I’m glad you’re here. I told everyone back home that I wanted to come alone but if I had to pick one person to be here with me…it would be you.” I wiped away the last remnants of her tears with my thumb and held her pretty face in my hands. “Stop crying, Cecily. You know Kaiden hated to see anyone cry. I mean, I’m a hypocrite because…look at me.” I gestured to my puffy red eyes and laughed.
“I’ve been doing really well but today is so hard.” She shook her head then looked over her shoulder at the tall man in the suit. He looked like her bodyguard. “Oh, Ms. Foster, this is my husband, Bear.” She gestured to him and he was at her side in an instant. He shook my hand and the sunlight glinted off his gold pinky ring.
“Nice to finally meet you, Ms. Foster. Cecily always talks about you.” His voice was deep and gravelly but he was so calm and peaceful. His energy made me want to listen to him talk about anything.
“Nice to meet you too, Bear.” I gave him a smile. “I knew you were in a relationship, Cecily but I didn’t know you were married. You never text me anymore.”
“I know,” she frowned. “I’m sorry. I’m always running around crazy with my little ones and the night care facility Kareema and I opened.”
My eyes widened with happy shock. “Wait…what?” I chuckled. We have to catch up because clearly, I’ve been out of the loop.
“You ladies wanna grab lunch? My treat,” Bear said.
“I’m down if you are, Ms. Foster. It’s been so long since we connected.” Cecily gave my hand a squeeze and I nodded. I ignored the irrational fear that I would see Kaiden’s doppelganger and allowed myself to have lunch with a dear friend and her husband.
Wow, I couldn’t believe how much little Cecily had grown since being a college student working toward her dreams of owning a night care facility that helped parents who worked third shift. Parents like me.
Or at least…like I used to be.
After Cecily spent quiet time sitting at Kaiden’s grave, we all said one more goodbye before heading to lunch. Maybe it was meant for Cecily and Bear to show up out of the blue. Even though as far as I knew they lived in Louisiana. Maybe I wasn’t meant to sit and wade through the dark waters alone even though I’d planned it that way. Sometimes God laughs in the face of your plans because he has so much more in store.
…
“What are you doing in Texas, Cecily?” I asked. We were seated at a patio table in a restaurant you usually needed reservations to get into. Bear made one phone call and suddenly, a table was available for us.
I hadn’t been in his presence for more than an hour and I already was in awe. He had something with him that I couldn’t put my finger on but it smacked of royalty and darkness. A part of me wanted to fear him even though he’d given me no reason but the other half of me wanted to know him.
