Capacity, p.25
Capacity, page 25
“I came for Kaiden,” Cecily said simply. “I told Bear when Kaiden’s birthday came I wanted to be in Texas. I wanted to tell him happy birthday like I always did.” She blinked away the wetness in her eyes and smiled at me. She was still so beautiful and she had the kindest heart.
“I really appreciate it,” I told her. “Thank you Bear for coming with her. It’s tough shouldering something like this alone.”
“I’m never too far from her,” he said quietly. His fire-glass eyes blared love for his wife. It made my heart flutter.
“What about you, Ms. Foster? You said you told everyone back home that you were coming here alone. Did you move?”
“I did,” I nodded at her question. “I moved to Connecticut.”
“Oh, your mom and best friend live there, right?”
“Yup,” I smiled. “It’s been the best decision. I wasn’t doing well here alone. Without Kaiden to anchor me, everything kind of fell apart. I wasn’t working at the hospital. I was coasting along on saved money and I was drowning in darkness.”
Cecily and Bear listened to me, riveted.
My scars tingled with shame and I folded my arms across my midsection, trying to hide under the table. Cecily’s gaze dropped to her food and she sighed.
“I’m sorry I didn’t keep in contact more, Ms. Foster.”
“It’s fine, sweetheart. You have your own life. A husband…kids.” A new smile found my face and I hoped she knew I was happy for her. “Let me see pictures.” I held my hand out for her phone and she gladly showed me dozens of pictures of her girls.
They were beautiful chubby-cheeked toddlers that, to the untrained eye, looked like twins. “Yeah, they’re eleven months apart,” she pinched the bridge of her nose and Bear laughed. It was a hearty rich sound.
“They keep us busy,” he said. His smile was brilliant against his onyx skin.
“I bet. They’re beautiful, guys. Congratulations. I know your house is so full.” My heart ached a little thinking about what I no longer had but the thought of having another child terrified me. I didn’t want anymore and I was glad Knight didn’t want children either.
“It definitely is,” Bear agreed.
“So Bear, where do you work? Do you help Cecily with the facility?”
“No. Kareema and Cecily run a tight ship. I have my own businesses. I own a butcher’s shop, a barbershop and hair salon, a lumber yard and a few other things.”
“Wow, Bear. That’s amazing.”
“Thank you.” He paused and smiled softly at me. “I’m glad to see you look well, Ms. Foster.” His fiery eyes stole a glance at my scars and I realized at some point I’d placed my elbows on the tabletop.
“Thank you, Bear,” I said quietly.
Cecily followed her husband’s eyes to my wrists and I squirmed in my seat. The heat from embarrassment was like standing in plain view of the sun. It scorched me.
“Ms. Foster,” she began in a soft voice.
“Please, Cecily call me Lumi. After everything you and I have been through…call me Lumi.”
“Okay, Lumi. I’m glad you’re not in a dark place anymore. I don’t know how I would have handled it if anything happened to you. I know I get caught up in my own world a lot but I love you.” She reached across the table and held my hand in hers. I felt the warmth in her touch and I appreciated it.
“I love you too, Cecily. I truly do.”
Bear studied me in a way that made me feel transparent. Like he could look right through every guard I had erected. “If you ever need anything, Lumi…anything. Let us know. You’re family to Cecily so you’re family to me and I take family seriously.”
“He really does,” Cecily added. “I’ve talked about you so much, he feels like he knows you.” They shared a secret and if I was reading the energy right it was a secret that had to do with me. I didn’t pick at it though because I sensed Bear had secrets that ran deeper than I wanted to understand.
We spent hours catching up and laughing and it was exactly what my weathered soul needed. Knight wanted me to make this trip cathartic and that’s what I was doing. Laughing with Cecily about Kaiden and sharing memories unique only to us helped to ease the blunt force of not being with him on his birthday.
We all walked out together and I took Bear up on his offer to drive me back to the hotel because I’d taken an Uber to the cemetery. Our lighthearted conversation spilled into the air as Cecily and I linked arms and chatted like the best of friends. I was so wrapped in having a good time that I almost dismissed what my eyes showed me.
It was plain as day though.
My heart saw it before my mind could process it and a wave of sadness crashed into me, stealing my breath.
Kaiden?
No…
It couldn’t be my son. I just came from his grave. But the little boy zig-zagging through the cars in the garage looked exactly like him.
Exactly.
I stopped dead in my tracks, letting Cecily’s arm fall as my eyes locked onto the laughing little boy. He got closer and closer to us until he bumped into my legs, confirming what I thought I was seeing.
He could have been Kaiden’s twin. There were very slight and few differences to his features but he looked so much like my baby it was enough to bring me to my knees.
“Ms. Foster are you okay?” Cecily’s voice faded once she looked at the child in front of me. “Oh my god,” she stammered.
Without warning or permission my arms darted out and I hugged the little boy. He froze in my arms and it hurled me back to the icy reality that my son was gone. Whoever this child was didn’t belong to me.
“Hey, sweetie where are your mommy and daddy?” Cecily asked him in a kind voice. He pointed behind him and my eyes followed his gaze only to see another ghost.
“Jacob?” I stood to my feet and wiped my tears away. I didn’t want it to be true but I couldn’t deny my ex. I’d know him any-fucking-where.
“Daddy, she was nice. She hugged me. But she’s sad,” the little boy said tugging on Jacob’s pant leg. A woman walked up beside Jacob and scooped the little boy into her arms, balancing him on her hip and angling him away from me. She cut her eyes at me like I was a predator and pressed her son’s head to her chest protectively.
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to…” My words fell away as she rushed past me to their car, which was a few spaces down from Bear’s car.
“Lumi, I uh…wow. It’s been a long time.” Jacob flashed me a smile baring perfect white teeth.
I hated him. I wanted to rip his throat out with my bare hands.
“You motherfucker.” The words trembled out from between gritted teeth.
“We have a problem here?” Bear took one long-legged step in front of me, positioning himself between Jacob and me. I was grateful because I needed a moment to breathe. Even a second was better than nothing. I nearly had my heart ripped from my body as my worse fear came to fruition. I saw a child who looked exactly like my son and it turned me to dust.
Quickly trying to recompose myself and wipe my tears away, I steadied my breathing and put my hand on Bear’s hard-as-stone shoulder. “It’s okay. He’s my ex,” I explained to the tall, hulking man who seemed like no stranger to protecting those he loved.
Bear grunted at Jacob then looked at me. “You sure? I’ll stand here while you and Cecily get in the car.”
“I’m sure, Bear.” He stood tall like a redwood for a few extra seconds then moved aside but he was still within arm’s reach. “Jacob, what the hell?” I said, still feeling the marrow-deep burn of seeing the little boy who seemed to have stolen my son’s entire face.
“Lumi, can we talk away from the audience?” He lowered his brows in Bear’s direction and I cringed inside. I didn’t know Bear well but from what I saw, he was extremely quiet and observant. Not the kind of man you wanted to push buttons on and Jacob was a professional button-pusher.
“I like my audience,” I snapped. “Who is that?” I pointed a shaky finger in the direction of the boy and his mother.
“My wife, Sharon and our son.” He knew he was a piece of shit. He knew it. He held his head down and refused to meet my eyes because he fucking knew.
“Your wife and son?” My maniacal laugh bounced off the concrete walls and chilled the stale air. “You had an entire fucking family while you left me and Kaiden to suffer alone?” My fist flew out, striking him in the chest. He winced from the pain and glared at me causing Bear to shift and grow agitated.
“I know I made a few mistakes but…”
“Mistakes?!” My voice exploded from my chest in a war-streaked growl. “I told you I was pregnant and you vanished! I hope your wife hears every word about what kind of monster she married. The kind of monster who would leave his woman and unborn child to fend for themselves without so much as a fucking call or happy birthday.”
“Maybe…” He swallowed and took a step closer. Close enough for me to smell his expensive cologne. “We can link up later and talk in private.” Every word he uttered was covered in black oil and sludge. “I need to apologize in ways I can’t do in front of everyone else. You know I’m sorry. I haven’t had a way to contact you in years though.”
“Are you really trying to get me alone? What the fuck?”
That was always his MO, he tried to fuck his way in and out of everything. Even with his goddamn wife and son mere feet away he was up to his old tactics. It made my skin crawl and my belly burn with rage.
“I need to talk to you, that’s all. You look so damn good.” He ran a slimy finger down my arm and I froze on contact. Time clicked back into place and I shoved him hard as I could since I was half his size.
Bear’s long arm swept me to the side beside Cecily while he stepped in. With eerie ease, he pushed the side of his suit jacket back, resting his hand on his narrow hip where a black-handled gun was tucked against his side. “You put another finger on her and I promise you’ll go home with a hole in your hand.” I was stunned silent. I knew I got a dark vibe from Bear but holy shit.
Jacob’s face lost all its brown color becoming a pale tan that made him look sickly. “Hey, I didn’t mean anything by it,” he stammered.
“You’re disgusting, Jacob.” I shook my head. “Our son died and you didn’t even show up to his funeral.” Tears dripped from my lashes and I hated myself for allowing that bastard to see me cry. “You didn’t even know him. You never held him or told him you existed.”
“I heard about what happened to Kaiden in the news, Lumi. I didn’t know how to…” I slapped him as hard as I could, splitting the skin at the corner of his mouth. He pressed his tongue against the cut and balled his fist like he was really going to do something, then he looked over at Bear who was busy on his phone, sending a text. Something about the calm demeanor he possessed in the face of such a charged situation told me things weren’t going to end well for Jacob.
“You don’t get to say his name. You do not get to say my baby’s name.”
“I’m gonna go because it’s clear you’re not ready to talk. You still live in the same house? I’ll stop by when you’ve calmed down.”
“Fuck you.” I spat the words at his feet before turning away. I couldn’t stand his face.
Bear looked up from his phone and gave me an out of place smile then placed his hand on my back and opened the car door for me. I got in and watched Jacob hurry to the car and wondered what lies he’d spew to his wife about me. I wondered if he even told her about Kaiden. Clearly, he knew about our son if he dared use his name.
“Would you ever wish death on him?” Bear quizzed as he clicked his seatbelt in place. I met his copper eyes in the rearview mirror and swallowed a lump. The question seemed deceivingly philosophical.
“As much as I hate him…no, I wouldn’t. I do wish someone would knock some fucking sense and compassion into him though,” I huffed.
“I can understand that,” he nodded before starting the engine. Jacob’s car pulled off quickly and we pulled off directly after. When we drove out of the garage, an all-black car with mirrored tinted windows pulled alongside us, rolling the driver’s side window down.
“Gray Benz. Headed east,” Bear said to the guy in the car. He was a striking man with high cheekbones and silky jet-black hair in two braids. He had dusky brown skin and eyes as dark as night.
“Vacation time?” The guy asked.
“Nah. Don’t send him on vacation.”
“Got it,” he nodded.
“I’ll be at the house. Ivy there with the kids?” Bear quizzed.
“Yeah. They just ate.”
“Cool. Thanks, Shadow.”
With that, the black car rolled up the windows and pulled off. Something told me that my refusal to wish death on Jacob just saved his life and I didn’t know if I was happy about that or not.
I didn’t dare ask Bear any questions. Cecily sat beside her husband like he’d just pulled up to a drive-thru window and ordered food instead of something far more insidious.
“Lumi, you sure you want to be alone right now? You can come to the house with Cecily and me. We have a home here in Dallas. You’re welcome to spend the night or whatever you need.”
“No, I’m fine, Bear. I can’t thank you enough. I just want to be alone.” He didn’t bother me about it and neither did Cecily. We rode back to the hotel in silence. When we arrived, Cecily got out to walk me in while Bear stayed put. I made sure to hug him and thank him. I didn’t know what to thank him for but I felt like I needed the silent strength he offered. He seemed to understand without my words.
“Lumi, I am so sorry you had to go through that today.”
“Thank you, Cecily. I’m sorry you even had to witness any of that.” I was drained. There wasn’t an ounce of energy left inside of me. I fell to the couch in the sitting room and kicked off my shoes.
“You don’t have anything to apologize for.” She sighed and wrapped her arms around me in a hug. I wanted to pull strength from it but I couldn’t. I was empty. “Why don’t you have dinner with me and Bear tonight? Our friends Ivy and Titan are here with us and…”
“No thank you, Cecily. I want to be alone with my thoughts right now.” I knew she meant well but I couldn’t be around people. I wanted my bed. My house. The safety of my four walls.
I hated seeing the dejected look on her face but right then I couldn’t do anything about it. “Okay but will you please call me if you change your mind? My number is the same.”
“I will.” I didn’t even get off the couch to walk her to the door. I was underwater. In a daze. Spent.
I don’t know how much time passed while I sat on the couch staring at nothing but when I climbed out of the haze, I wanted to go home immediately. I felt sick to my stomach.
Visions of Jacob’s little boy kept running through my head like a cruel joke. I wanted to pour bleach in my brain and blank everything out. It was too painful.
I moved to the bedroom and packed all my things then found an earlier flight back to Connecticut for later tonight. Even Texas wasn’t big enough for me and Jacob to coexist. I put my phone on airplane mode and drowned myself in mournful tears until it was time for me to go to the airport.
…
CHAPTER 19
I walked into my house and for the first time in hours, I breathed. With that breath came a sea of tears. Salty, grief-riddled tears that dragged my soul down to the dirt.
Everything inside of me told me to call Knight and let him know I was home earlier than expected but I couldn’t. I wanted to sit in my pain. I hadn’t stewed in such a long time but I needed to right then.
I climbed the stairs to the second floor and went into my room then into the closet where I found my box of memories. I tucked the box under my arm and went into the bathroom where I ran a tub full of hot water.
Call Knight. Call him.
The voice was strong and urgent but I ignored it. Instead of calling him, I pulled out Kaiden’s first onesie and held my nose to the soft cotton. The fabric still held wisps of baby lotion. I bawled my eyes out at the flood of memories.
Why the fuck was I alive and walking around without him? It would have been easier if I died the instant his life was taken. My head throbbed and my stomach ached. Soon, I realized it wasn’t my stomach but my womb. It throbbed with pain as if it were crying for the child that once lived there.
My body refused to accept that Kaiden was gone.
I clutched the onesie to my chest and curled into a tight ball on the tiled bathroom floor while water filled the tub. There was no cure for the kind of ache ringing through my bones. No pills or surgeries that could erase the mind-numbing pain I was in.
I wanted the pain to stop.
I wanted the tears to stop. I wanted the memories and the suffocation to fucking stop. It was torture in its cruelest form. A mother was not supposed to outlive her child.
I uncurled my tear-logged body and turned the water off. I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t want to breathe anymore because every inhale felt like a jagged dagger digging deeper into my heart.
I stared at myself in the mirror and looked past my puffy face and tired eyes. I looked into myself and saw Kaiden. My baby. The same baby Jacob abandoned like he was nothing.
I hated him.
I hated that I let him inside of me and that he discarded me afterward. I hated that he went on to live his life like Kaiden never existed. He got to have a family and another chance at getting it right with another son. I didn’t have that. Kaiden was my chance and he was gone.
I’d never know how different our lives would have been if Jacob stuck around like he was supposed to. I didn’t even want a relationship with him I wanted Kaiden to have a relationship with him. Maybe if Jacob had been a real father, I wouldn’t have needed to call Cecily to babysit while I worked. Kaiden could have gone to his dad’s house and he would’ve never been in the crossfire of those bullets. Maybe my son would still be alive.
