Capacity, p.18
Capacity, page 18
What’s the point in changing if I’m still an alcoholic at heart? Why not give in to the pull and drink? Nothing is forever anyway so eventually, I won’t even matter.
I poured the whiskey into my glass and brought it to my lips, my hand trembling.
Time slowed to an infinite series of slow ticks and tocks.
I stared down at the deep amber liquid in the glass and wondered what would happen once I took a drink. Would the shame be instantaneous or would it be a slow-burning hellfire that consumed me over time?
I’d bet my life on the latter.
I’d be a fucking disappointment to myself. I’d revert to the man who fucked an eighteen-year-old and gave her liquor. To the man who went to work drunk. To the man Lumi didn’t know.
Lumi.
She knew me as sober Knight. She knew the real me, not the drunken mask I showed the world before I decided to save myself. She would mourn the loss of the man she knew. So would I.
I gripped the glass so hard I thought it would shatter in my hand. A growl snaked through my chest and bolted out of my mouth. With an angry swing of my hand, I tossed the glass into the empty sink and watched whiskey splash against the stainless steel and onto the counter by sheer force. The glass bounced into the air then crashed back down, chipping and cracking.
With a stiff back, I took Johnnie Walker to the sink and emptied him down the fucking drain. Lumi was right. Terrance was right too. I was still an alcoholic. Liquor still had control over me. It should have never been in my house. Even standing at the sink watching it swirl down the drain, my tongue ached with the need to lap up the last drops.
I was fucking pathetic.
Hastily, I turned on the faucet and washed the rest of it down the drain. Hopefully, my desperation went with it. While I watched everything swim in the sink, I called Terrance in an unblinking daze.
“What’s up, Knight?” He asked. I couldn’t make myself talk though. What should I say? How should I say it? “Yo, Knight. You there?”
“Yeah,” my voice was shaky and dry. “I’m here.”
“Did you fall off the wagon, Knight? Something in your voice isn’t right.”
“I came so close, T. I had the glass in my fucking hand.”
“Are you at the bar?” He quizzed. I heard movement on the other end. Shuffling and a door opening then closing.
“I’m at home.” I hung my head low letting disobedient strands of hair fall over my forehead. The entire kitchen smelled like whiskey. It pushed me further down the hole I was digging for myself. I was trapped down there with self-pity and confusion.
“I’m on my way.” He ended the call and I went to the living room. I stood in front of the mantle, staring at Hazel’s smile and bright eyes.
How the hell could I let myself care about another woman? I knew better. I didn’t even have the capacity to handle my drinking problem let alone a relationship with another person who came with their own issues. I was doing Lumi a disservice.
I picked up Hazel’s picture. It was one where she smiled into the camera while I kissed her cheek and held her hand. I tried to remember what her lips felt like on my cheek but all I conjured up was Lumi.
Bittersweet shards stabbed into my heart.
I’d give anything to have Lumi beside me while I struggled with my own darkness. It was such a pitch-black place that I felt blind. That’s when Lumi would come in handy the most. She was the absolute light of my life. Her name was more fitting than she realized.
She was my ray of sunshine. My angel. She was too fucking good for me.
I sat Hazel’s picture on the mantel again and fell to the couch. I stared at the TV’s black, reflective screen and caught a glimpse of myself. I was tortured. I saw it all over my face.
I don’t know how long I sat there staring at my own twisted agony through the blank TV screen but Terrance ringing the doorbell snapped me out of it. When we stood face to face, he shook his head, the corners of his mouth downturned.
“I can smell it in the air, Knight. Jesus.” He slid his hand down his face. “You sure you didn’t drink any?”
“I swear to God, I didn’t drink any of it. I was ready to, but I didn’t. I poured it out. Tossed the glass in the sink.” I took T into the kitchen and showed him the cracked glass along with the empty bottle of whiskey. He nodded somberly then gave my shoulder a tight squeeze.
“You did good, Knight. I know how hard that had to be. What triggered it? This fight with Lumi? I told you to apologize, man.”
“It’s not that. Well, not completely.” I leaned against the fridge and folded my arms. A frown creased the space between Terrence’s brows.
“Hold that thought, Knight. Where’s your bleach? I can’t hold a conversation with even the faintest smell of liquor in the air. My mind won’t be able to focus.”
“I’ll clean it up, man. I ran water in the sink but you’re right, you can still smell it.” I got to work wiping out the sink. I tossed the chipped glass and went on the hunt for the single chunk that broke off. When I didn’t see it in the sink, I pushed my hand down into the drain and fished it out. Not before slicing my fucking fingers on it’s sharp and jagged tip though.
When I pulled my hand out, it was slick with blood. T winced at the sight then handed me a bunch of paper towels to clean up with. I couldn’t stop thinking about calling Lumi with my fingers bleeding profusely. She would have made sure I was patched up nicely. I pushed her away though because that’s what the hell alcoholics do when they don’t want to face the truth. They push. They deflect. They—we ruin.
“I shot Mr. and Mrs. Wells today,” I tossed the bloodied paper towels in the trash and ran water over my fingers. Once most of the blood washed away, I saw how deep the cuts were. I’d sliced pretty far into my pointer and middle fingers.
“Fuck. I don’t know why I didn’t think to check on you after you were done.”
“It’s cool, T. I don’t need a babysitter. If I can’t be trusted to make the right choices on my own then what good is AA doing?” I shrugged my shoulders and pressed fresh paper towels to the cuts on my fingers. “Anyway,” I continued, looking down at the blood eating through the pristine white. “Seeing them together and seeing how quickly Mrs. Wells got tired, and how frail she was. It brought back a slew of memories about Hazel and I couldn’t deal. I had to get the hell out of there before I had a break down in front of my client.”
My heart pumped grief and sadness into my veins. I replayed Mrs. Wells and Hazel both in their hospital beds surrounded by pillows and blankets to make them comfortable as possible. I hated that phrase.
As comfortable as possible.
It was the nail in the coffin. When the oncologist said those words to me about Hazel, I knew there was no point in hoping anymore. She was going to die. It was an inevitability that held so much gravity it sank me to the core of the earth.
I knew that’s how Mr. Wells felt. I saw it etched into his features even though he tried to keep a strong face. I saw past it.
“I know firsthand how all of that feels.” Terrance dropped his gaze to the floor. He kneaded his hands and fingers then said, “It’s suffocating. It’s enough to make you want to crumble and give up. That’s when you have to reach outside of yourself. You have to sink your energy and focus into something else…someone else. Sometimes you have to share the burden.”
“Lumi,” I said, tossing the newly bloodied paper towels in the trash.
“You have someone, Knight. Realize that. Not too many of us have people who get it and who are willing to walk the walk with us. I’d give anything to have someone in my corner. Anyone. Doesn’t even have to be romantic.”
“You know I’m here for you, T.”
“I know. I’m glad you’re my friend. I wish I had more like you. I don’t want you to take for granted the people you have in your corner.”
“I’m gonna call Lumi,” I told him honestly. “She’s been avoiding me like the plague at work. She put in leave for next month and I approved it on the computer because I knew she didn’t want to talk to me.” A dry, mirthless chuckle dropped heavily from my lips like rocks.
“Make it right. Lumi might not be the driving force of your journey to sobriety but she’s the one who’s going to keep you straight.”
“You help me out a lot too, man.”
“Oh, I know that. I’m the shit. You might have to promote me to best friend.” He shrugged his shoulders and chuckled before leveling a frown at my hand. “You uh, might need stitches. That shit is still bleeding.”
“I know. I hadn’t planned to go to the hospital today but here I am.”
I could have called Lumi and asked her to take care of me but who’s to say she’d even speak to me?
Like he could read my thoughts, T said, “Call Lumi.”
“I can’t,” I blurted.
“I know it’s hard but you have to swallow your pride, Knight.” He strolled into the living room and I looked at my phone on the counter. I was bleeding pretty badly and I knew Lumi always had a well-stocked nurse’s kit. It wasn’t just a normal first-aid kit. She had everything in there.
With a groan, I picked up the phone and scrolled to Lumi’s name. The anticipation of hearing her voice made it hard to breathe.
The other line rang once.
Twice.
Three and then four times.
Nothing.
I hung up when the call went to voicemail.
“She didn’t answer,” I told T, sitting beside him on the couch. “What I wouldn’t give for even a fucking beer right now.”
“Sparkling water.”
My brows bunched together. “Sparkling water?” I almost laughed.
“Yeah man, I’ve been drinking them lately and they help curb the beer craving.”
“Okay, I’ll try it out when I go to the store. Got any tips for curbing the whiskey craving?”
“Nah, not yet. When I find something I’ll let you know.” He grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. I knew he wasn’t going to leave me until he was sure I’d snapped out of it and was firmly back on the wagon. I was grateful for the support.
After a while, he asked me why I hadn’t called Lumi back. I didn’t have an answer for him. I only knew that when she didn’t pick up the phone, I felt like shit. I didn’t want to feel the swift sting of rejection again.
“Stop being a little bitch and call her back. You can’t sit here and bleed to death.”
“I’m not bleeding to death, asshole. It’s slowed down some.” I looked at the gauze I’d wrapped around my fingers, frowning at the deep crimson leaking through.
“Either keep calling Lumi or take your ass to the hospital.”
I rolled my eyes and called Lumi again. Of course, she didn’t fucking answer. I called three times and on the last ring of the last call, she picked up.
“Knight, what do you want?” She sounded exasperated like seeing my name pop up on her phone stressed her out.
“Hey,” I chuckled nervously. Awkwardly. “I uh, I need your help with something.” I looked down at my fingers and curled them forward. A dull throb sank into the tissue.
“Okay…”
“I cut myself pretty deep and it’s been bleeding for almost an hour. I can’t get it to stop. I was wondering if you had anything in your nurse bag.”
“I don’t have a hospital and it sounds like that’s what you need,” she quipped. Her tone was an icy dagger filleting me.
“Wow. Okay,” I chewed on my lip and tried unsuccessfully to find words that would fill the silence eating us alive. “Right. I’ll go to the hospital. I thought I’d give you a call first.” I sounded so damn pathetic. A long silence followed my words and I didn’t know how to handle it. Were we done talking? Should I have ended the call?
“Are you at home, Knight?” Lumi finally sighed.
“Yeah, I’m at home. T is over here too.” Terrence shot me a look and I shrugged at him. I don’t know why it came out. I was desperate to say anything to keep hearing her voice.
“Okay. Um, I’ll be over with my bag in a minute.” She didn’t say anything else and the call ended shortly after.
“She coming? Or did she leave your ass hanging?”
“She’s coming.” One side of my mouth lifted in a smile and I realized that even in my dark moments, I wanted to have Lumi. Even when I didn’t know if I was good enough or when I was having a weak moment. Things were better with her than without her.
“That’s what I wanted to see. That whipped ass mile on your face.”
“Fuck you, I’m not whipped.”
“You are light and fluffy as goddamn whipped cream, Knight. Nothing wrong with it but I call them like I see them.”
“Maybe I am a little whipped. I think I’m okay with that.”
“Like I said, I call them like I see them.” We shared a laugh then I put on a football game and we watched it, cheering and shouting curse words at the TV until Lumi showed up.
When she rang the doorbell, I wondered why I hadn’t given her a key to my place yet. I didn’t mind if she came and left as she pleased.
I answered the door and lost every single word I used to be in possession of. Seeing Lumi obliterated my pride. I wanted to give in and tell her I was so fucking wrong. She didn’t need my ego, she needed my heart and she had that shit tenfold.
“Oh, let’s take a look at that.” She frowned down at my hand and walked all the way in. I recognized her nurse’s voice and the gentle way she spoke to me.
“What’s up, Lumi?” T said from the couch. He tossed up two fingers at her and she waved. “This fool was about to bleed to death.”
“I see.” She sat me at the kitchen table and stood between my legs. She was close enough for me to smell her soft vanilla scent. I never once felt pain while she unwound the gauze. I was too focused on her. “Knight, how the hell did you cut your fingers this deep?” She began pulling things out of her bag that I couldn’t point out in a line up if money was on the line.
“I broke a glass. The broken piece went down the drain and I fished around for it. Sliced my fingers up real good.”
I missed the fuck out of her. While she concentrated on my cuts, I studied her long thick lashes and the way her full lips poked out. I traced her regal slash of cheekbones, bold nose, and delicate bone structure that composed her beautiful face. Everything in me wanted to tip her head up so I could kiss her lips and pull her tongue into my mouth.
“This needs to be properly cleaned and stitched up. Looks like you only need a few though. I have the stuff in my bag if you want me to do it. Or I could clean it and bandage it until you can get to the ER. Coco’s working today so you’ll probably see her.”
“I trust you,” I told her, never once breaking my gaze. Once she realized I was absolutely staring at her like a creep, she blushed a little, the sweet sweep of her lashes brushing against her smooth cheek.
“Okay, I’ll sew you up.” She got to work and I realized she was my anesthetic. As long as I was fixated on Lumi, I didn’t feel any discomfort. She was all I needed to numb the pain. Maybe that was true in more ways than one.
After several minutes passed, Lumi looked up at me with sparkling green eyes and smiled a little. “All done.”
“Damn, that was it? I looked down at my hand finally free from the Lumi trance and saw my fingers stitched up. The bleeding finally stopped.
“Yup, that was it. Take it easy for a few hours. You should be fine though.” She put all the used items in the trash and packed her bag back up.
My heart knocked against my chest at the thought of her leaving and me not apologizing like I needed to. When she stepped toward the kitchen door, I snagged her elbow in my good hand.
“Hey, can I talk to you?” My smile was sheepish. She looked at me for a long while before nodding and sitting her bag on the table again. She didn’t say anything but her eyes held all the attitude she could muster.
I rubbed the back of my neck and held her gaze. “Lumi, I’m sorry for the way I snapped at you when you found the liquor. I shouldn’t have lost my cool like that and I should have listened to you because you were right. I didn’t need to have it in the house. I came so close to drinking it today and all I could think about was you.” I took her hand in mine and rubbed her knuckles with my thumb. I saw chunks of her resolve falling away and I worked to tear down more. I needed her forgiveness.
“I don’t like how tense things have been between us this past week. I should have swallowed my pride days ago and told you I was wrong. I wasn’t ready to see it yet. I had to come face to face with my own demons to understand what you were trying to tell me.” The truth made a desert of my mouth. My tongue was sand.
I searched her eyes for any hint of understanding but she was purposefully being tough to read, staring off to the side. When she did look straight at me, I saw the understanding I was searching for. She couldn’t hide from me for too long. I knew her more than I realized.
“I know you needed time to work things out on your own, Knight but the way you acted hurt me. The fact that you were okay with us leaving things the way they were pissed me off too. We’re supposed to be in a relationship. I know neither of us was exactly ready and we didn’t have the capacity to open our hearts but we did. When you open yourself to a relationship that means you open yourself to someone else caring, someone else fussing after you. You open yourself to someone else calling you out on your shit. It doesn’t feel good but it’s necessary.” When she wet her lips, I couldn’t help myself. I cupped her cheek in one hand and bent down to kiss her.
I pulled each one of her lips into my mouth and groaned at how sweet they were. She turned to butter and melted against me. For a moment, all our issues evaporated into nothing. All that existed was us.
When she pulled away long enough to break our kiss, I heard the pounding of my own heart. It was furious and steady. It was the sound of determination. I never wanted to ignore Lumi that way again. Every cell in my body was sorry.
“Did you drink? Is that why Terrance is here?” She pointed toward the living room with her chin.
