Grays shadow, p.9
Gray's Shadow, page 9
part #4 of Kings of Hell MC Series
“Is everything fine?” Beast yelled from the other end of the corridor.
“Yes. I’ll be right back,” Gray shouted, annoyed that even his prez felt compelled to check on him.
They walked in silence, and Gray led Shadow through the maze of corridors all the way to a door hidden behind an old medicine cabinet from the times when this place had still been an asylum. The stairs behind it were narrow and made of concrete, leading to an underground area originally used for storage. Or so Gray hoped, because the Kings of Hell found a different purpose for the half dozen of lockable rooms without windows. On their way downstairs, Shadow finally shut up, so all they heard when Gray switched on the light were squeaks of rats fleeing human presence.
Down here, the ceiling was so low Shadow needed to move hunched down, which made his back look bigger, like a Minotaur about to turn on Gray the first chance he got. Gray opened the second door in a row, twisting his nose at the scent of mold.
“Get in.”
Shadow turned around and took steps back, eyeing the dark cell with his mouth set, but Gray was wary of potential danger, ready to fire if the shadowy arms appeared. He wasn’t allowed to kill the thing, but he could cause it a world of pain if needed.
After a moment of prolonged silence, Shadow glanced at Gray. “Will you stay with me?”
Gray’s hand twitched on the gun. “No. But don’t worry, you won’t see any sun here.”
When Shadow wouldn’t back off, Gray poked him with the gun until he finally moved.
“I am safe. I promise. I won’t speak. Don’t go.” The red glow in Shadow’s eyes got blurry when they glossed over with grayish tears, but Gray wouldn’t trust them.
“That’s not for you to decide. You can use the bucket as a toilet,” he said and shut the heavy metal door with his shoulder. Once it closed, he put the gun between his jaw and shoulder and pulled the rusty sliding bolt, locking it in place.
Only then did he breathe freely again.
Until the door shook under the pressure of Shadow’s weight charging at it from the other side.
"No! Don't go! Don't leave me!" Shadow yelled, slamming his hands against the metal.
‘I need to fill every hole in your body’
Gray shuddered.
There was only one hole inside of Gray that needed filling, and no one could help him with that, because it appeared the day he lost his brother.
Gray would never be whole again.
Chapter 7
“Come on, you know you want it,” Shadow whispered to the rat that remained just beyond his reach. Shadow could have attempted to grab him with the shadow arm, but the opening under the door was so small he couldn’t possibly grab and look through it at the same time, so he played the long game and attempted to entice the rodent with a piece of burger patty.
The old meat was an adequate meal, but he much preferred the juiciness of warm flesh and the crunch of bones between his teeth. Cut off from the world beyond the cold walls of the cell, Shadow wasn’t sure when days began and ended, but he had plenty of time to hunt his favorite prey.
Shadow hadn’t understood what was happening to him when he’d gotten hungry for the first time. It felt like something consuming him from the inside, causing increasing fatigue and aches all over his body. After hours of insufferable pain, rolling from one side of his mouldy cell to the other, a latch at the bottom of the door opened, and Gray had pushed in a tray with his boot. He hadn’t been willing to talk, but he did say ‘eat’ before walking off.
It was yet another reminder for Shadow that human life was about constantly wanting something, and suffering when you couldn’t get it. Such a pathetic, tragic existence in comparison to the peace and contentment of being one with the swarm.
Shadow understood what his human body needed, but what Gray had offered him was yet another form of torture. Soft bread with salty ham that leaked juices all over, and crunchy vegetables with a tangy sauce. He could hardly swallow, and rinsed out the disgusting taste with the water he got with the meal.
But once Shadow understood the concept of eating, he tuned in to his senses, trying to understand what was appetizing. That was when he first smelled one of the rats that visited his cell and lived in the bowels of Gray’s home, unbothered by anyone. It had been a fat catch, and its fur had the aroma of dust. Delicious. Sometimes, he even rubbed his prey against the mould on the walls, which turned out to be surprisingly aromatic.
He’d broadened his repertoire after that discovery, and started capturing some of the bugs living down there. Their little bodies fell apart between his teeth, exploding with a sweet juiciness that drizzled down his tongue, nourishing him from inside out.
His previous form didn’t need to seek out food, but once he got a taste for hunting, the instinct struck every time his ears picked up faint sounds resonating all around him.
But while the hunt left him physically satisfied and made the passing of time easier, it was not comparable to having company. A cockroach wouldn’t talk to him, and when he tried to just hold one in his mouth for a while, it kept fidgeting, so he’d eaten it in the end.
He wasn’t even sure if he’d slept at all since his imprisonment, because every hour spent in the dark, dreaming of the warm touch of Gray’s body against his own, became a blur. The separation felt like physical pain, and Shadow had once even resorted to catching Gray’s ankle through the gap under the door, but all that had given him was another bruise, this time left by Gray’s heavy boot.
Desperate for even the briefest contact with his human, Shadow didn’t tell Gray that the food didn’t agree with him, because he’d have likely stopped visiting Shadow at all if he knew. And while Gray always kept their interaction minimal, at least he cared enough to come here. Shadow could hear his voice and capture his scent—sweet and tempting beyond even the youngest and healthiest of rats—to then fantasize about it for hours on end.
What Shadow hadn’t expected were visits from someone other than Gray, but god-knew how long into his incarceration, two people cared to dedicate him some of their time.
The sound of their footsteps on the stairs was a call to action, and when Shadow heard them again, the burger patty was back on the food tray, forgotten as he rose, starved for interaction with someone who would listen and spoke to him in return.
“I was thinking,” Shadow said before Knight and Elliot even reached the door. “Maybe you could bring me a watch? How long have I been here?”
“You know how to read a watch?” Elliot asked from the other side, just before the bolt screeched and the door opened, revealing his only friends.
Knight came in first, his arms full of paper bags that surely contained leftover food that constituted most of Shadow’s diet, since there were only so many creatures living down here with him. They’d worked out that fresh food was disgusting to Shadow’s palate, while dishes that had already gone off—moldy or rotting—hit the sweet spot.
Knight shrugged. “It’s been almost a week. Let me tell you, I’d have gone crazy if I were in your shoes,” he said, shaking his head until his lush brown hair floated in the faint light of the single bulb.
Shadow calculated in his mind. “A week? I thought the new moon was approaching already. Every minute feels like seconds.”
Elliot raised his eyebrows. “The other way around?”
“Yes, seconds like minutes.”
Shadow accepted the food, some of which smelled deliciously funky, but he could eat at any time. Elliot and Knight, however, would only stay for so long, and he needed to make the most of their companionship.
“Did you talk to Gray? He won’t listen to what I say at all.” Shadow rubbed the fuzzy beard that had grown on his face. He spent most time cozied up under a couple of blankets that kept the cold at bay, but once he was out, the damp air nibbled at his flesh.
Elliot let out a low sigh and looked back at Knight. Shadow only realized what was going on when Knight spoke to the dirty wall. “Come on, Maureen. Gray is nothing like Roger. Your man was scum. A woman like you should never be just left behind, even less so with a baby. He clearly wasn’t thinking straight.”
From the conversations Shadow had had with his two friends, he knew that they could see people who were no longer there in their physical form, and while there were other ghosts in the old house, the one ghost lady was their favorite. And from the sound of it, she had been going through tough times recently.
Knight pushed his hands into his pockets and shrugged, still watching the wall. “Gray’s in a bad spot right now. You know, because of the arm he lost.”
Shadow’s breath quickened, and he started pacing. “But I could cheer him up if he only wanted to talk to me. I’m not a bad… creature. Person. I might be hasty with some decisions at times, but I’m learning. Right? You have fun with me?”
Elliot smiled. “Yes. Definitely. You’re something else.”
Did that mean Shadow was completely unlike humans? He needed to try so much harder if he wanted to become acceptable. He became mildly frustrated when the two men waved at the wall, but at least that meant he was alone with them at last, without having to share attention with a woman he could neither see nor hear.
Knight cleared his throat. “What I mean is that Gray is a great guy, but he can be difficult. And he doesn’t open up to people easily. Or at all. He will come around, but you need to give him time. And never mention his h-holes again,” Knight said, cracking up at that last sentence, which came out as a snort.
Shadow backed off into a dark corner and hugged himself, comforted only by the softness of the shirt he’d gotten from Beast. Apart from the sparse visits, he was all alone down here, constantly suffering of a hunger that couldn’t be sated by mouldy roaches, and yet Gray didn’t seem to think he needed the comfort of someone’s presence like everyone else. In fact, Knight was so certain Gray wouldn’t have appreciated anyone visiting Shadow that they’d decided to keep him in the dark for fear that he’d disapprove and cut Shadow off even from that.
“I only said what I feel,” Shadow said in resignation.
Elliot raised his hands. “We get it, you have a… bond? Because you started out as his shadow?”
Shadow nodded weakly. “But he doesn’t feel it. I’m all alone. He doesn’t think he needs me.”
Knight shook his head. “It’s good policy to keep some of what you feel to yourself. People get uncomfortable when someone is perfectly honest about everything. Maybe try being a friend to Gray first, and lover second?”
“What’s the difference? How do I make him like me? Everything I do is wrong. Are friends not honest with each other? Is that what you’re saying?”
Elliot pulled out a notebook and measuring tape. “They are, but… how about you just start with being so pleasant that he allows you out of here? Then he could start getting to know you.”
“What’s the point of being out if I can’t have him?” Shadow slid down the wall, his heart too heavy for him to stand anymore.
Knight rolled his eyes. “That’s dramatic.” He glanced Elliot’s way and pinched his nose. “I can’t believe that I’m the one to tell you this, but physical closeness and being close with someone platonically doesn’t always go hand in hand. And Gray… well...”
“He’s a prude,” Elliot finished.
Knight shrugged. “Yeah. He has incredibly high standards. Always had. And if you just say stuff like this to his face, you’ll end up scaring him off.”
Shadow pushed his fingers into his hair and pulled on it in frustration until the ache in his scalp became a distraction from the pain inside. “So I have to stay away to get close? It makes no sense!”
Knight squatted in front of him and unwrapped a bag of old fast food tacos, which he pushed Shadow’s way. “I know it seems illogical, but some people are very picky. They won’t sleep with you just because you look hot, and they want to be romanced first. Gray is one of the tough cases.”
“But he’ll let you out soon enough. We’ll talk to him,” Elliot added quickly. “And you’ll want to impress him then. So get up, because I need to measure you for a sun-proof jacket. You’ll need one once you get out of here.”
“When will I get out?” Shadow asked, pulling himself up with the aid of the damp wall.
Knight shrugged. “Hopefully soon. Maybe I’ll talk to the prez. You need a bath.”
Shadow gasped in terror at the memory of icy needles of water prickling his skin. “No! Please! I don’t want one.”
“But you stink. If you want Gray to like you, you need to smell nice. He’s such a neat freak,” Elliot approached with the measuring tape.
“Fine. I’ll do it.” Shadow huffed as Elliot instructed him how to stand for being measured. He’d do anything to make Gray appreciate him, even if only a little bit. This forced separation was never-ending torture that made his heart bleed every second of every day.
Knight circled them with a little smile on his handsome face. “Do you remember being his shadow? Like, from the day he was born?”
Shadow frowned, trying to recall such memories, but nothing other than the vague feeling of belonging came to him. “No.”
Knight glared at the taco dusted in fluffy green mold. “So… if you remember nothing from before you woke up, how do you know about phones and so on? Where does that information come from?”
“Do all shadows have British accents or was it really just the footman’s body?” Elliot asked with a grin.
Shadow had a bite of the taco. “I think it’s my body that’s making me sound this way. And the other things… I can’t place it. I just know. And then there are things that I feel I should know but don’t. Maybe the bones were old. Maybe a shadow doesn’t know all its human does. I don’t understand why I am the way I am, but I want to learn. I want to be useful. I want people to like me,” Shadow whimpered, helpless in his continuous misery. If Gray didn’t want him, he’d rather have the tree take all of the ruby inside him and make him die already.
Knight nodded as if it was the most interesting piece of knowledge in the universe. Shadow was kind of proud he could provide it. “Well, I’m rooting for you. If you ask me, Gray would feel much better if he got a good fuck out of someone. Let’s hope you’ll be out here soon.”
Elliot took a step back, rolling the tape measure into a small bundle. “All done. We’ve got a friend who makes a lot of her own clothes, I’m sure she’ll gladly make this for you.”
Shadow looked at the two of them with a smile. “Are we friends?”
Knight laughed. “Sure. And we’ll be even tighter friends once you take that bath. No one should skip that for more than a day.”
Shadow sighed deeply. “Whatever it takes.”
But then Knight’s phone rang, and that always led to Knight and Elliot leaving, because Elliot was practically attached to Knight. Which was exactly what Shadow wanted with Gray. To sew their skin together and never part.
“See you tomorrow,” Elliot said once he put some numbers into a small leather-bound notebook. He followed Knight outside, and Shadow couldn’t quite hide his disappointment when the cell once again drowned in darkness and the two pairs of footsteps dispersed.
He saw in the dark just fine, but that didn’t mean he liked the severity of the colors surrounding him when there was no light at all. And even though it couldn’t be true, it seemed that the cell got colder whenever the light went off.
Tomorrow.
How long until tomorrow?
Shadow crawled under his blankets, no longer hungry enough to bother with attempting to catch a rat. Even the entertainment of hunting lost its appeal when faced once more with this eternity of loneliness.
Being separated from others felt like being submerged in a cold lake and watching the world through a thick layer of ice. This forced isolation taught him patience and made his thoughts far less chaotic than they were when he first appeared, but there was no one around to appreciate Shadow learning. At times, he believed that the rats and cockroaches answered him when he spoke, in their own language of taps and squeaks, but it was still like listening to his own voice.
Or was he actually talking to himself out loud?
He didn’t know anymore.
He wished he’d never been chosen by Baal. He wished to be back with the others, floating in warmth, unaware of the existence of time—the bane of his existence. Seconds, minutes, hours, all passing too quickly or too slowly. How was time a constant measure if half an hour was hardly anything around Knight and Elliot, yet felt like a month when Shadow shivered under a blanket?
Why had he been banished to this place where he constantly craved things he couldn’t get?
He would learn though, and the next time Gray came, he would prove himself worthy of releasing. He would be restrained, and obedient, and good, and wash if necessary.
Even if he’d have to live without Gray’s touch, if he was back with people, he would be around Gray, hear his voice, smell him, and watch him whenever he wanted.
He would do anything for that alone.
Chapter 8
Gray had always detested the flavor of pre-cut fruit. Watered-down, with a hint of plastic, it was something he refused to rely on. How hard was it to cut a few apples or a banana?
If you didn’t have both arms—very hard.
Even the fucking bananas needed to be peeled first—something he hadn’t thought about when he’d added his requests to the club’s weekly shopping list. So he did the best he could in a bad situation and squeezed the banana under his armpit while using his one hand to open the bright yellow skin with a knife.
With two of their resident female hangarounds chatting behind his back, he was getting increasingly self-conscious. The last thing he needed was one of them offering her help, as if he couldn’t even prepare some basic food on his own. So far though, the conversation was about—out of all things—honey bees being killed by pesticides.
“There’s this book, The Last Buzz, and it sums up the research so far. Everyone should read it,” Nao said, lounging in the armchair in the corner.
