Grays shadow, p.25
Gray's Shadow, page 25
part #4 of Kings of Hell MC Series
Shadow’s shoulders slumped. Not only was he miserable, but he’d also brought the same on Gray. With each word spilling from Gray’s mouth, the tightness in his chest seemed less bearable, as if having to confront those issues at all left him with collapsing lungs. “I’m sorry. I should have stuck around. It’s just that… it was so hard to see the two of you together, and I thought that if I gained some experience, you would give me a shot. So I tried, I really did, because I only have so much time. But turns out my body doesn’t work around other people the way it does with you. I will never be able to give you what you want.”
Gray blocked Shadow’s way and stilled, looking up at him. “What do you mean? You participated in the orgy?” he asked in a hissing tone that only ever came out of Gray’s mouth when he was displeased.
Shadow had to tread carefully. “No, I just went with Jared. You said I don’t know what you need, so I wanted to learn, but… it was a disaster.”
Gray started saying something but in the end bit his lip and rested his hands on his hips, glaring at the wall while his pulse quickly gained pace. “Shadow, that’s not how this works. And that wasn’t what I meant at all!”
Shadow spread his arms, frustrated by the fragility of his understanding of the world. “How does it work then? How am I supposed to learn if my body doesn’t react to other people? Jared tried to… do what you did once, and I just… nothing. I’m so embarrassed!”
Gray shushed him with a gesture and stayed still for a couple of heartbeats, his forehead wrinkled with thought. He eventually grabbed Shadow’s hand and pulled him along, toward the general direction of their room. “Everyone is different. You can’t just have sex with one person and then transfer what you learn to another. And Jared is a nice enough guy, but he’s nothing like me. Why would you want him?”
“I don’t know how it works! It made sense that I could be experienced for you if I did things with other men. I didn’t even want it by the end, but it felt like… the thing to do. I feel so bad, Gray. Why do I feel this way?”
Gray stopped again, and this time, there was no one to disturb them. He swallowed, looking ashen in the pale light coming in through the window. His hand was damp in Shadow’s and hot as if he was feverish.
“You’re my shadow, remember? That’s why you feel this way.”
“I don’t understand.”
Gray swallowed, seeking Shadow’s other hand and squeezing it gently as he backed Shadow against the wall. “That’s how I feel. I tried to be like everyone else when I was younger, but it was this… stream of failures. I was more and more disgusted with myself and how I couldn’t really get from sex what everyone else seemed to. So I pretended until I met Pete. We were in love for a while,” he said before staring at his feet.
Shadow hated to hear of Gray’s pain, but it also made him feel that bit more normal. Maybe he wasn’t this way because Baal made him crave Gray. Maybe it was in his nature because he was Gray’s shadow. He squeezed Gray’s hands.
“Why did you break up then?”
Gray took his time with the answer, continuously swallowing as if he was feeling nauseous. “Everything fell apart after Mike died. Pete didn’t understand how I felt. And in the end, he relocated. But we remained friends, and sex with him still feels nice, because I remember the connection we used to share so…” He ended up scowling. “I’m not proud of this.”
Shadow wasn’t sure what to say, so in the end he pulled Gray into a hug. He released a deep breath the moment Gray’s familiar body was in his arms—warm and smelling like moonlight. “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you need.”
Gray remained silent, but his arms slid around Shadow’s waist and squeezed until their bodies fit close together, with Gray’s hair tickling Shadow’s collarbones. “I want to be with people I build memories with. I’m sorry you were born like me.”
Shadow smelled Gray’s hair, shuddering when he realized this alone was enough to spike his senses when with Jared everything had fallen so flat. “I’m not. I’d rather spend the time I’ve got around you instead of getting physical pleasure from other people. No one compares to the way I feel about you, Gray.”
Gray pushed even closer, pressing Shadow against the wall as he hid his face in Shadow’s chest, breathing unevenly. “I’m sorry about tonight.”
“It’s not your fault.”
Gray peeled himself away, his eyes tinged with red. “No. No, it is. I shouldn’t have gone with Pete. I should have thought about your feelings… you know, given the situation.”
Given the situation that Shadow had just over a month left to live.
“Will we do things together then?” He asked, kissing the side of Gray’s head. Just being around Gray again was soothing. “I don’t mean sex.”
Gray looked up, and their noses almost touched in a moment that sparked fireworks at the back of Shadow’s head. But Gray didn’t kiss him. “Quiet night with movies okay with you?” he asked, rubbing Shadow’s face with the back of his hand instead.
Shadow grinned even though his eyes were still itchy. “Movies…”
“Not those movies, Shadow.”
Chapter 18
The night of the new moon crept up on Gray like a predator wanting to play with its prey before biting. Only a month left. Only twenty-nine days until Shadow was gone forever. The creature was such a disturbance to the routine of Gray’s life, and he seemed to suffer so much away from his brethren that Gray should’ve felt relieved by the passing time.
But he did not.
It was as if each day was the blink of an eye in the face of a cataclysm. He was standing in front of an avalanche heading his way, frozen in place and unable to save himself.
He couldn’t deal with this tonight.
He couldn’t look into Shadow’s eyes and watch them lose some of their intense color in favor of the unnatural trees.
So much had changed in this past month. Shadow, an unwanted beast Gray treated as a necessary evil had proved himself beyond trusting and devoted. He learned incredibly fast and longed to be accepted by the people around him like any other person.
He liked romantic movies, warm baths, and playing with Beast’s dog. After some initial apprehension, Hound had taken a surprising liking to Shadow, and they would go on long walks around the desolated parts of the building together. Gray suspected Shadow used the time away from prying eyes to hunt, but it was better not to think of that.
Either way, it was no longer possible to consider Shadow a ‘creature’.
And in moments of weakness, Gray didn’t just think of him as a person, someone he needed to protect and care for, but as a man. His big smile was so alluring Gray believed a single kiss might pull him into the void. There would be no going back. He allowed himself to cuddle with Shadow in the privacy of their bedroom, but anything beyond that was out of the question. He couldn’t become even more emotionally invested than he already was.
The start of the lunar month began the twenty-eight day long countdown that Gray wanted to ignore. So he made sure to avoid Shadow for hours before nightfall, and asked Knight to take Shadow to the trees, since he was going there anyway. A new shipment of jewels was a godsend in terms of excuses. Come nightfall, he would ride off with his brothers and work instead of ruminating about the one thing that made his nights sleepless—Shadow was now halfway through his miserably short life.
Only one month was left.
Only twenty-eight days.
Gray desperately needed the distraction.
Beast rubbed the sides of his head. “I don’t know how else to put it, brother. There’s no way around it. You’ve got only one arm. It doesn’t make sense to take you when we have so many able-bodied men to choose from.”
They stood in an empty corridor on the way to the garage, which had been newly opened after extensive renovation. One way led to tonight’s mission, the other—back to the apartment Gray shared with Shadow. If it wasn’t a metaphor for his life, he didn’t know what was.
“I know Shadow can’t go, but I’ll just take the car. Stop treating me as if I’m suddenly incapable of working for the club,” Gray barely restrained anger in his voice. “I’m not retiring yet.”
Beast’s eyes narrowed, and he let out a low hum, crossing his arms on his chest. “How about you take it easy? You lost your arm barely a month ago, even if that whole magic arm thing made you heal faster. Everyone understands that those things happen.”
“No. I want to go,” Gray said curtly, burning up as if there were fires under his skin.
“Have you modified the bike yet?” Beast asked after a long pause that felt like a silent battle of wills.
“I told you I’m taking the car,” snapped Gray. He squeezed his hand into a fist and took a deep breath, trying to calm down. Nothing was right tonight, and the dark sky outside was keeping him constantly on edge. He was now waiting for Beast to ask if he looked into modifying his car, but Knight emerged from the side of the corridor that led to the garage. He waved at them, unaware of the tension as thick as refrigerated butter.
“Hey, I wanted to take Shadow to the trees, but he’s a stubborn fucker and said he’ll only go with Gray.”
Gray’s heart sank, bleeding resolve. “Just… tell him I told you to do it for me.”
“Too late. I have plans later,” Knight said, stretching his neck. The sound of his bones crackling made Gray shudder.
“Okay, fine. I’ll take him. But you guys need to wait for me. It won’t take long,” Gray said to Beast who made a low grunt that Gray chose to consider agreement.
Gray ran as soon as he disappeared from their sight, relishing the discomfort of his heart beating fast enough to distract him. Shadow was always so agreeable. Why did he have to throw a fit tonight of all times?
By the time he reached the garage, his head was full of things he should say. But when he entered the tall space filled with vehicles and saw how Shadow’s eyes brightened upon his arrival, his brain turned into tangled threads of spaghetti.
“H-hey. Why didn’t you go with Knight?”
Shadow frowned, shifting his weight. There was something different about him tonight. The fabric of his only button-up was smooth as if it’d been ironed, and the long black hair seemed more carefully combed. Maybe even… straightened? “It’s our thing to do together. I want to go with you.”
And just like that, Gray’s left sleeve filled with the shadow arm that at this point felt just as natural as the one made of flesh.
Gray swallowed hard, meeting Shadow’s gaze. They’d only paid their dues to Baal once so far, but when Gray looked into the smiling face of the man who would inevitably come that bit closer to death tonight, he didn’t have the heart to deny him.
“Okay, fine, let’s take the car,” he said, worried that Shadow might feel weakened after tonight’s sacrifice. “But we have to be quick.”
Knowing Beast, he wouldn’t give Gray more time than strictly necessary. The job of escorting the jewels from the pickup spot back to the clubhouse shouldn’t even be all that much of a challenge. If all went well, it would border on boring and definitely didn’t need to be manned so extensively, but Gray would not be pushed aside. He was a member of the Kings of Hell MC. Even freaking Jake was going, and he’d only gotten patched a few months back.
“How are you feeling?” he asked, deeply uncomfortable with Shadow’s silence.
Stepping on the gas pedal, he sped down the driveway with his high beams on. Strange thoughts invaded his head. Would Baal be forgiving if they crashed and couldn’t reach the trees tonight? Would that have moved the inevitable by another month?
“Nervous.”
Shadow wore his sun-proof jacket despite it being dark, and Gray worried if it would keep him warm enough. It was strange how Gray started noticing things like that. The other day, he’d reprimanded Shadow when he’d forgotten to put on socks. Gray didn’t even know if Shadow had the ability to catch a cold, but he couldn’t stand the idea of him wasting the precious time he had left in this world in bed and feeling like shit for a week.
“It’s gonna be fine. Just a short stay, and we’ll be back in no time. You could watch the Titanic again while I’m away,” Gray said, although deep inside he knew that he would have felt more confident with both arms during the run. Then again, he shouldn’t lean so much on something that wouldn’t be available to him in another month’s time.
Shadow’s hand sliding down Gray’s thigh was yet another reminder of the thin ice they were walking on with their secret not-exactly-affair. If Rev found out he would have been pissed-off. Not that Gray cared, but he wouldn’t hear the end of it, so it wasn’t worth Rev knowing.
“I don’t want to watch it on my own. It’s too sad.”
Shadow’s touch sent a stab of heat along Gray’s leg, all the way to the toes, which reflexively curled inside his boot. It was becoming painfully clear to Gray at this point that were Shadow to stay indefinitely, the almost-affair would have crossed the boundaries Gray put on it. Everything about Shadow called out to him, but if there was an expiration date for any relationship they might have had, why would Gray put himself up for heartbreak?
“What about The Shape of Water?”
Shadow’s eyes glistened with excitement. No wonder, it was his favorite, and he’d watched it three times already. “Yes…”
Gray smiled at him and eventually drove onto the main road, heading toward the woodland close to town where one of the trees from the Other Side was growing taller each day. “Well, you can see that one. Maybe I’ll be back by the time you finish.”
Shadow’s shoulders sagged, as if even parting for those few hours was a big deal. Earlier that day he’d gone off to the woods with Jake, so Gray wasn’t sure what this was about.
“Can’t your trip wait?”
Gray glanced at him with a slight frown. “It’s tonight. I can’t put it off.”
Shadow sighed deeply, looking out the window. “If you have to.”
Gray knew Shadow wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, but it was healthy for them to part from time to time. Shadow enjoyed watching the same movies as Gray, and he had a never-ending collection of DVDs to choose from, plus there were always other people in the clubhouse Shadow could hang out with. And Gray needed time alone if he wanted to keep cool when they were together.
But by the time Gray approached the area where he intended to park, on the side of the asphalt road under a tall poplar, he felt a pang of regret that he’d committed to doing the run. “Your hair looks nice. What did you do to it?”
Shadow instantly lit up. “Nao straightened it for me.”
Darkness was thick where Gray parked, as if the tree was extending its greedy tentacles farther each time they drove by. Or maybe it was just the moon losing its size in the past few days.
Gray left the car with a heavy heart, and a part of him wished Knight could have been the one to take Shadow here after all. Just so that he wouldn’t have to deal with the sense of loss that in recent days had become a permanent fixture. Maybe it was selfish of him to protect his own feelings above Shadow’s. But within a month, Shadow would be back where he belonged and he… he would be alone again.
When the lights of the car dimmed, Gray’s world sank into near-perfect darkness. He sought out Shadow without thinking, and when his fingers slid around the firm arm, he couldn’t lie to himself that it was only because of Shadow seeing well in the dark. They stood close, their hips almost touching, and Gray took his time before leading the way up a small sandy slope by the road.
Beyond the dark expanse of grass and woodlands, the lights of Brecon illuminated the sky. The town’s borders were sharply defined by the nature around it, and he couldn’t help being somewhat moved by the view. Their feet sank into the undergrowth as if it were a thick carpet, and he tried to relax by smelling the fragrant air. It was all plants and spring flowers, but when, from time to time, the breeze came from the direction of the ocean the sweet and fresh scents were enriched by the addition of salt.
The tree was right in front of them—hidden in plain sight and yet somehow drawing Gray’s gaze as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. His brain was hot mush, and as they stepped closer and sensed the heat in the air, the corners of Gray’s vision dimmed once more, consumed by the night.
His heart thumped as if an invisible hand squeezed it dry each time, making blood rush through him much faster while the way ahead turned that bit brighter, creating an nonmaterial tunnel to the demon tree. The odd scent that reminded him of fruit that was just about to go from overripe to rotting invaded his senses next, pulsing like the blood in Gray’s feet as he strode toward the unholy plant that whispered its greetings.
No, this was insane. It must have been the wind that made the strange rustling sound, but Gray still felt invisible eyes tracking his every move. His heart slowly sank when the heat grew stronger, as if they’d just entered the den of a bear. He’d heard from Knight that the trees that had grown from the black stones developed at an unnatural pace, but when he saw branches on the background of the night sky, he couldn’t tear his eyes away. They hadn’t been nearly so long and thick a month back, and this visual reminder of the encroaching danger made everything inside Gray twist. It was so dark, and yet the bark was even more so, making it stand out, even to his human eyes.
Guilt was poison rapidly spreading through his body when he held on to Shadow more tightly, because they too were here to do the bidding of the demon from the Other Side and advancing his plans. And instead of making an attempt to get his hands on the Pigeon Heart and offer humanity a fighting chance, Gray was holding the hand of a man who was Baal’s key to their world.
What would have Mike thought of him if he knew?
How much time did humanity have left before the trees bore fruit? How much time to lock Baal out of their world? What if it was too late already? What if by helping Jake, he’d doomed the world?
