Comedy of errors, p.5
Comedy of Errors, page 5
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Are you talking to me, fair woman? I don’t know you. I’ve only been in Ephesus for two hours. Your talk is as strange to me as your town. I’m trying with all my wits to figure out what you mean, but I can’t understand a word of it.
LUCIANA
Shame on you, brother-in-law! You’ve changed so much! Why are you treating my sister like this? She sent Dromio to bring you home for lunch.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Dromio?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Me?
ADRIANA
You. And this is what you told me he said: that he beat you and pretended his house wasn’t his and I wasn’t his wife.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Did you talk with this woman? What kind of scheme do you have going together?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Me, sir? I never saw her till now.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
You liar! You said those exact things to me back in the marketplace.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I never talked with her in my life.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Then how does she know our names? By magic?
ADRIANA
How distasteful! That a man of your stature would scheme with his servant to upset me like this. It may be my fault that you’ve been avoiding me, but don’t make things worse by treating me with contempt as well. I’ll hang on your sleeve: you’re an elm tree, my husband, and I’m a vine. My weakness is enhanced by your strength, which gives me the strength to say this: the things that take you away from me are worthless—just overgrown weeds in need of a trimming. They get into your system and infect you, feeding off your confusion.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
She’s talking to me. She’s talking about me. What, was I married to her in a dream? Or am I asleep now and imagining all this? What is making our eyes and ears act so strangely? Until I know for sure, I’ll humor her.
LUCIANA
Dromio, tell the servants to prepare for lunch.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Oh, I wish I had my rosary! I’ll cross myself. This must be some kind of fairyland. Oh, spite of spites!
We’re speaking with goblins, owls, and demons. If we don’t obey them, they’ll suck the life out of us or pinch us black and blue.
LUCIANA
Why are you mumbling to yourself instead of answering the order I gave you? Dromio, you drone, you snail, you slug, you idiot!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I’ve been transformed somehow, haven’t I, master?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
I think your mind has been altered, and mine too.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No, master, I’ve been changed in both mind and body.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Your body looks the same.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No, I’m an ape.10
LUCIANA
If you’ve changed into anything, it’s an ass.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
That’s true. She’s riding me hard, and all I want to do is get out of here. I must be as stupid as an ass—that’s why I don’t know her, but she knows me.
ADRIANA
All right, all right. I won’t play the fool anymore and just cry while my husband and his man laugh at me. Come, husband, let’s go to lunch. Dromio, guard the door. Husband, I’ll eat with you in private today and hear your confession about all the pranks you’ve pulled. Sirrah,11 if anyone asks where your master is, say he’s out to lunch, and don’t let anyone come in. Come, sister. Dromio, do a good job as doorkeeper.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Am I on earth, in heaven, or in hell? Asleep or awake? Crazy or sane? These people know me, but I don’t know myself! I’ll agree with them and keep with it, whatever happens.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Master, should I watch the door?
ADRIANA
Yes, and don’t let anyone come in, or else I’ll break your head.
LUCIANA
Come come, Antipholus. We’re late for lunch.
They exit.
1 bridle = muzzle-like device used to restrain a horse
2 i.e., “He beat me on my ears.”
3 Dromio puns on “understand,” using the word to mean “stand up under the force of the beating.”
4 cuckold = a man whose wife cheated on him; cuckolds were commonly depicted wearing horns
5 Dromio puns on various meanings of “sconce,” including “head,” “fortress” (which Dromio imagines being attacked with a battering ram), and “curtain.”
6 Fine and recovery = a legal term related to claiming ownership of private property
7 In the original Shakespearean line, there are a series of sexual puns and jokes about venereal diseases–venereal disease can cause hair loss; “sound” can mean “healthy,” “thing” can refer to a sexual organ, and “falsing” means “deceptive.”
8 “Bald” can also mean “trivial” or “lame.”
9 Whores were commonly punished by being branded on the forehead.
10 ape = a counterfeit (of myself); a fool
11 Sirrah = term of address for a person of low social standing
ACT THREE
SCENE 1
Original Text
Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, DROMIO OF EPHESUS, ANGELO, and BALTHASAR
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;
My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours.
Say that I lingered with you at your shop
To see the making of her carcanet,
5
And that tomorrow you will bring it home.
But here’s a villain that would face me down
He met me on the mart, and that I beat him
And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,
And that I did deny my wife and house.—
10
Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know.
That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to show;
If the skin were parchment and the blows you gave were ink,
Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
15
I think thou art an ass.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Marry, so it doth appear
By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
I should kick being kicked; and, being at that pass,
You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You’re sad, Signior Balthasar. Pray God our cheer
20
May answer my good will and your good welcome here.
BALTHASAR
I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
O Signior Balthasar, either at flesh or fish
A table full of welcome make scarce one dainty dish.
BALTHASAR
Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
25
And welcome more common, for that’s nothing but words.
BALTHASAR
Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Ay, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest.
But though my cates be mean, take them in good part.
Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
30
But soft! My door is lock’d. (to DROMIO) Go, bid them let us in.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Maud, Bridget, Marian, Ciceley, Gillian, Ginn!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within) Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!
Either get thee from the door or sit down at the hatch.
Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call’st for such store
35
When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within) Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on ’s feet.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Who talks within there? Ho, open the door.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within) Right, sir, I’ll tell you when an you tell me wherefore.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
40
Wherefore? For my dinner. I have not dined today.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within) Nor today here you must not. Come again when you may.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
What art thou that keep’st me out from the house I owe?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within) The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
O villain, thou hast stolen both mine office and my name!
45
The one ne’er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
If thou hadst been Dromio today in my place,
Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name, or thy name for an ass.
LUCE
(within) What a coil is there, Dromio! Who are those at the gate?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Let my master in, Luce.
LUCE
(within) Faith, no, he comes too late,
50
And so tell your master.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
O Lord, I must laugh.
Have at you with a proverb: shall I set in my staff?
LUCE
(within) Have at you with another: that’s—When, can you tell?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within) If thy name be called “Luce,” Luce, thou hast answered him well.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Do you hear, you minion? You’ll let us in, I hope?
LUCE
55
(within) I thought to have asked you.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within) And you said no.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
So, come, help. Well struck! There was blow for blow.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Thou baggage, let me in.
LUCE
(within) Can you tell for whose sake?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Master, knock the door hard.
LUCE
(within) Let him knock till it ache.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You’ll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.
LUCE
60
(within) What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?
ADRIANA
(within) Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within) By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Are you there, wife? You might have come before.
ADRIANA
(within) Your wife, sir knave? Go, get you from the door.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
65
If you went in pain, master, this knave would go sore.
ANGELO
Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome. We would fain have either.
BALTHASAR
In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
They stand at the door, master. Bid them welcome hither.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
70
You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
Your cake there is warm within; you stand here in the cold.
It would make a man mad as a buck to be so bought and sold.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Go, fetch me something: I’ll break ope the gate.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within) Break any breaking here, and I’ll break your knave’s pate.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
75
A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind,
Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within) It seems thou want’st breaking. Out upon thee, hind!
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Here’s too much “out upon thee!” I pray thee, let me in.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(within) Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
80
Well, I’ll break in. Go, borrow me a crow.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
A crow without feather? Master, mean you so?
For a fish without a fin, there’s a fowl without a feather.—
(to DROMIO OF SYRACUSE) If a crow help us in, sirrah, we’ll pluck a crow together.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Go, get thee gone. Fetch me an iron crow.
BALTHASAR
85
Have patience, sir. O, let it not be so.
Herein you war against your reputation,
And draw within the compass of suspect
Th’ unviolated honor of your wife.
Once this: your long experience of her wisdom,
90
Her sober virtue, years, and modesty
Plead on her part some cause to you unknown.
And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
Why at this time the doors are made against you.
Be ruled by me; depart in patience,
95
And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,
And about evening come yourself alone
To know the reason of this strange restraint.
If by strong hand you offer to break in
Now in the stirring passage of the day,
100
A vulgar comment will be made of it;
And that supposèd by the common rout
Against your yet ungallèd estimation
That may with foul intrusion enter in
And dwell upon your grave when you are dead;
105
For slander lives upon succession,
Forever housèd where it gets possession.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You have prevailed. I will depart in quiet
And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
I know a wench of excellent discourse,
110
Pretty and witty, wild and yet, too, gentle.
There will we dine. This woman that I mean,
My wife—but, I protest, without desert—
Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal;
To her will we to dinner. (to ANGELO) Get you home
115
And fetch the chain; by this I know ’tis made.
Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine,
For there’s the house. That chain will I bestow—
Be it for nothing but to spite my wife—
Upon mine hostess there. Good sir, make haste.
120
Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
I’ll knock elsewhere, to see if they’ll disdain me.
ANGELO
I’ll meet you at that place some hour hence.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Do so. This jest shall cost me some expense.
Exeunt
ACT THREE
SCENE 1
Modern Text
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, DROMIO OF EPHESUS, ANGELO, and BALTHASAR enter.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Signior Angelo, please excuse us. My wife gets angry when I’m late. Here’s the story we’ll tell her: that I was with you at your shop, watching you make her necklace, and that you’re going to deliver it tomorrow. But here comes a scoundrel who says he saw me at the marketplace and that I beat on him, told him I’d given him a thousand marks in gold, and then lied about my wife and my house. You drunkard, what was that all about?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Say what you want, but I know what I know. You beat me at the marketplace, and I have the bruises to prove it. If my skin were paper and your punches were ink, you could read the beating on my body.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
I think you’re an ass.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Honestly, it sure looks that way, judging by all the beatings and the bad treatment I’m getting. Since I’m an ass, I ought to kick like one. Then you’d be scared of me and keep away.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Signior Balthasar, you look upset. I hope the good meal I’m going to give you will show the goodwill I bear you and how welcome you are.
BALTHASAR
Your delicacies aren’t worth as much to me as your welcome is.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Signior Balthasar, all the welcome in the world can’t compare to a good meal, whatever kind of food it might be.
BALTHASAR
Good food’s not a big deal—everyone can afford that.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
And everyone can say “welcome,” which is just a word.
BALTHASAR
A little food and a huge welcome makes a joyous feast.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Sure, to a cheap host and an even cheaper guest. But look, even if my dishes are poor, eat them with my best wishes. You may come across better food, but not a warmer welcome. What’s this? My door is locked. (to DROMIO) Tell them to let us in.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Maud, Bridget, Marian, Ciceley, Gillian, Ginn!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(from offstage) Dope, moron, eunuch, fool, idiot, clown! Either get away from the door or sit yourself down there! What, are you trying to summon women with your spells—is that why you’re calling out so many names? Isn’t one enough for you? Get away with you!
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
What clown did they hire as the new doorkeeper? My master is standing out in the street!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(from offstage) Then he should go back where he came from so he doesn’t catch a cold.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Who’s in there? Hey, open the door!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
(from offstage) Right. Give me one good reason and I will.
