Comedy of errors, p.4
Comedy of Errors, page 4
Well, sir, then ’twill be dry.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
If it be, sir, I pray you, eat none of it.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Your reason?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
60
Lest it make you choleric and purchase me another dry basting.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Well, sir, learn to jest in good time. There’s a time for all things.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I durst have denied that before you were so choleric.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
65
By what rule, sir?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Marry, sir, by a rule as plain as the plain bald pate of Father Time himself.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Let’s hear it.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
70
There’s no time for a man to recover his hair that grows bald by nature.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
May he not do it by fine and recovery?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Yes, to pay a fine for a periwig, and recover the lost hair of another man.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
75
Why is Time such a niggard of hair, being, as it is, so plentiful an excrement?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Because it is a blessing that he bestows on beasts, and what he hath scanted men in hair, he hath given them in wit.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Why, but there’s many a man hath more hair than wit.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
80
Not a man of those but he hath the wit to lose his hair.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Why, thou didst conclude hairy men plain dealers without wit.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
The plainer dealer, the sooner lost. Yet he loseth it in a kind of jollity.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
85
For what reason?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
For two, and sound ones too.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Nay, not sound, I pray you.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Sure ones, then.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Nay, not sure, in a thing falsing.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
90
Certain ones, then.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Name them.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
The one, to save the money that he spends in tiring; the other, that at dinner they should not drop in his porridge.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
95
You would all this time have proved there is no time for all things.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Marry, and did, sir: namely, e’en no time to recover hair lost by nature.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
But your reason was not substantial why there is no time to recover.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
100
Thus I mend it: Time himself is bald and therefore, to the world’s end, will have bald followers.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
I knew ’twould be a bald conclusion:
But soft, who wafts us yonder?
Enter ADRIANA and LUCIANA
ADRIANA
Ay, ay, Antipholus, look strange and frown.
105
Some other mistress hath thy sweet aspects.
I am not Adriana, nor thy wife.
The time was once when thou unurged wouldst vow
That never words were music to thine ear,
That never object pleasing in thine eye,
110
That never touch well welcome to thy hand,
That never meat sweet-savored in thy taste,
Unless I spake, or looked, or touched, or carved to thee.
How comes it now, my husband, O, how comes it
That thou art thus estranged from thyself?
115
“Thyself” I call it, being strange to me,
That, undividable, incorporate,
Am better than thy dear self’s better part.
Ah, do not tear away thyself from me!
For know, my love, as easy mayest thou fall
120
A drop of water in the breaking gulf,
And take unmingled thence that drop again
Without addition or diminishing,
As take from me thyself and not me too.
How dearly would it touch thee to the quick,
125
Shouldst thou but hear I were licentious
And that this body, consecrate to thee,
By ruffian lust should be contaminate!
Wouldst thou not spit at me, and spurn at me,
And hurl the name of husband in my face,
130
And tear the stained skin off my harlot brow,
And from my false hand cut the wedding ring,
And break it with a deep-divorcing vow?
I know thou canst, and therefore see thou do it.
I am possessed with an adulterate blot;
135
My blood is mingled with the crime of lust;
For if we too be one, and thou play false,
I do digest the poison of thy flesh,
Being strumpeted by thy contagion.
Keep then fair league and truce with thy true bed,
140
I live disstained, thou undishonorèd.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not.
In Ephesus I am but two hours old,
As strange unto your town as to your talk,
Who, every word by all my wit being scanned,
145
Want wit in all one word to understand.
LUCIANA
Fie, brother, how the world is changed with you!
When were you wont to use my sister thus?
She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
By Dromio?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
150
By me?
ADRIANA
By thee; and this thou didst return from him:
That he did buffet thee and, in his blows,
Denied my house for his, me for his wife.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Did you converse, sir, with this gentlewoman?
155
What is the course and drift of your compact?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I, sir? I never saw her till this time.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Villain, thou liest; for even her very words
Didst thou deliver to me on the mart.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
160
I never spake with her in all my life.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
How can she thus then call us by our names—
Unless it be by inspiration?
ADRIANA
How ill agrees it with your gravity
165
To counterfeit thus grossly with your slave,
Abetting him to thwart me in my mood.
Be it my wrong you are from me exempt,
But wrong not that wrong with a more contempt.
Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine.
170
Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine,
Whose weakness, married to thy stronger state,
Makes me with thy strength to communicate.
If aught possess thee from me, it is dross,
Usurping ivy, brier, or idle moss,
Who, all for want of pruning, with intrusion
175
Infect thy sap and live on thy confusion.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
To me she speaks; she moves me for her theme.
What, was I married to her in my dream?
Or sleep I now and think I hear all this?
180
What error drives our eyes and ears amiss?
Until I know this sure uncertainty
I’ll entertain the offered fallacy.
LUCIANA
Dromio, go bid the servants spread for dinner.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
O, for my beads! I cross me for a sinner.
185
This is the fairy land. O spite of spites!
We talk with goblins, owls, and sprites:
If we obey them not, this will ensue:
They’ll suck our breath, or pinch us black and blue.
LUCIANA
190
Why prat’st thou to thyself and answer’st not?
Dromio—thou, Dromio—thou snail, thou slug, thou sot.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I am transformèd, master, am I not?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
I think thou art in mind, and so am I.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
195
Thou hast thine own form.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No, I am an ape.
LUCIANA
If thou art changed to aught, ’tis to an ass.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
’Tis true. She rides me, and I long for grass.
’Tis so. I am an ass; else it could never be
But I should know her as well as she knows me.
ADRIANA
200
Come, come, no longer will I be a fool,
To put the finger in the eye and weep
Whilst man and master laugh my woes to scorn.
Come, sir, to dinner.—Dromio, keep the gate.—
Husband, I’ll dine above with you today,
205
And shrive you of a thousand idle pranks.
Sirrah, if any ask you for your master,
Say he dines forth, and let no creature enter.—
Come, sister.—Dromio, play the porter well.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?
210
Sleeping or waking, mad or well-advised?
Known unto these, and to myself disguised!
I’ll say as they say, and persever so,
And in this mist at all adventures go.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Master, shall I be porter at the gate?
ADRIANA
215
Ay; and let none enter, lest I break your pate.
LUCIANA
Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.
Exeunt
ACT 2, SCENE 2
Modern Text
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE enters.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
The gold I gave Dromio is safe and sound at the Centaur, and the inn host says that Dromio has left and is looking for me. I haven’t spoken to him since I sent him away from the marketplace earlier. Here he comes.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE enters.
So, sir. Are you over your ridiculous mood? If you like being hit, crack some more jokes. You never heard of the Centaur? You weren’t given any gold? Your mistress sent for me to come to dinner? The Phoenix is my house? Were you mad when you spoke to me so madly?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Said what, sir? When did I say all that?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Just now. Right here. Less than half an hour ago.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I haven’t seen you since you sent me to the Centaur with the gold you gave me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
You moron, you denied having any gold, and you told me about a mistress and a lunch. And I hope you realized I wasn’t very happy about it.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I’m glad to see you in such a merry mood. But what’s the joke? Please, master, tell me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
What, are you mocking me to my face? You think I’m joking? Here. Take that, and that! (beats DROMIO OF SYRACUSE)
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Stop, sir, for God’s sake! Now this joke has turned serious. Why are you doing this?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Just because I act familiar with you sometimes and let you fool around and joke with me, you try to take advantage of my affection. You pull pranks when I’m in a serious mood. You know, foolish gnats come out in the sunshine, but they creep back into their holes when it’s dark. If you want to crack jokes, first check what kind of mood I’m in and then adjust your behavior to suit me. If you don’t learn this rule, I’ll have to beat it into your sconce.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
5You call it my “sconce”? I’d rather call it my “head” so you’d stop battering it. If you keep pounding me, I’ll need a sconce to wrap my head with, or else I’ll have to keep my brain in my chest. But sir, why are you beating me?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Don’t you know?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
All I know is that I’m being beaten.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Should I tell you why?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Yes, and wherefore. You know the old saying: “Every ‘why’ has a ‘wherefore.’”
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
“Why” first: for defying me. And then “wherefore”: for doing it a second time.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I don’t think any man’s ever been beaten for a “why” and “wherefore” that made so little sense. Well, thank you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Thank me? For what?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Because you gave me something for nothing.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Next time I’ll give you nothing for something. Is it lunchtime?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No. The meat lacks something that I have.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
What would that be?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
A basting.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Well, then it will be dry.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
If it is, I suggest you don’t eat it.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Why not?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Because it will make you angry, and that will get me another beating.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Well, learn to make jokes at the appropriate time.
There’s a time for all things.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Before you got so angry, I never would have thought that.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Why not?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I’ll tell you: it’s because of a law as plain as Father Time’s bald head.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Let’s hear it.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
There may be a time for everything, but no man who has gone bald naturally can get his hair back.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Can’t he get it by fine and recovery?6
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Yes, he can pay a fine for a wig and then recover another man’s lost hair.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Why is Time so cheap about giving out hair? After all, it’s plentiful in its growth.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Because animals are blessed with hair. With men, he’s been stingy with hair, but he makes up for it by giving them intelligence.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
But a lot of men have more hair than intelligence.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
And not one of them is smart enough to stop himself from going bald.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
So then, you must think that hairy men are honest and simpleminded.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
7The more simpleminded they are, the sooner they lose their hair. But they have a good time doing so.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Why?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Two reasons. And good ones, too.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Not good ones, please.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Then sure ones.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
No, not sure ones when we’re talking about something unsure.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Then certain ones.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Name them.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
One, so they can save the money they spent on hairstyling, and two, so that when their hair falls out it doesn’t land in their dinner.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
You were supposed to be proving that there isn’t time for everything.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Right, and I did, sir. There’s no time to get back hair that’s fallen out.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
You didn’t come up with a very good proof.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Then I’ll change it to this: Father Time himself is bald, so for all time there will be bald men.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
I knew you’d come up with a bald8 conclusion. But wait—who’s that waving to us?
ADRIANA and LUCIANA enter.
ADRIANA
Yes, yes, Antipholus: look bewildered and frown at me. You’ve given away all your sweet looks to some other woman—I am not Adriana nor your wife. There was a time when you’d freely tell me that words were never music to your ear unless I said them, that objects never pleased your eye unless I showed them to you, that touches never pleased your hands unless they were my touches, and that food never tasted sweet to you unless I had prepared it. How is it, my husband—oh, how is it—that you have become a stranger to yourself? I say yourself because you are a stranger to me now, but when we are indivisible and united in one body, I am better than the best part of you. Ah, don’t tear yourself away from me! For you should know, my love, that it would be as easy to let a drop of water fall into the churning sea and then fish it out again, unmingled and undiminished, as it would be to take yourself from me without taking me out of myself as well. How deeply would it cut you if you heard that I had been cheating on you and that my body—which is sworn for you only—had been contaminated by vile lust?
Wouldn’t you spit at me, and spurn me, and throw our marriage vows in my face? Wouldn’t you tear the mark off my whorish forehead,9 cut the wedding ring off my finger, and swear to divorce me? I know you would, so go ahead. For I have, in fact, committed adultery, and my blood has been contaminated by lust. Because if marriage has made us one, then when you cheat, you poison my flesh as well—your contagion makes me a prostitute. So stay faithful to me and return to your marriage bed. That way, my reputation will be protected and your honor will be intact.
