Comedy of errors, p.3
Comedy of Errors, page 3
Good sister, let us dine and never fret.
A man is master of his liberty;
Time is their master, and when they see time
They’ll go or come. If so, be patient, sister.
ADRIANA
10
Why should their liberty than ours be more?
LUCIANA
Because their business still lies out o’ door.
ADRIANA
Look when I serve him so, he takes it ill.
LUCIANA
O, know he is the bridle of your will.
ADRIANA
There’s none but asses will be bridled so.
LUCIANA
15
Why, headstrong liberty is lashed with woe.
There’s nothing situate under heaven’s eye
But hath his bound, in earth, in sea, in sky.
The beasts, the fishes, and the wingèd fowls
Are their males’ subjects and at their controls.
20
Man, more divine, the masters of all these,
Lord of the wide world and wild wat’ry seas,
Endued with intellectual sense and souls,
Of more preeminence than fish and fowls,
Are masters to their females, and their lords.
25
Then let your will attend on their accords.
ADRIANA
This servitude makes you to keep unwed.
LUCIANA
Not this, but troubles of the marriage bed.
ADRIANA
But, were you wedded, you would bear some sway.
LUCIANA
Ere I learn love, I’ll practice to obey.
ADRIANA
30
How if your husband start some otherwhere?
LUCIANA
Till he come home again, I would forbear.
ADRIANA
Patience unmoved! No marvel though she pause;
They can be meek that have no other cause.
A wretched soul, bruised with adversity
35
We bid be quiet when we hear it cry,
But were we burdened with like weight of pain,
As much or more we should ourselves complain.
So thou, that hast no unkind mate to grieve thee,
With urging helpless patience would relieve me;
40
But, if thou live to see like right bereft,
This fool-begged patience in thee will be left.
LUCIANA
Well, I will marry one day, but to try.
Here comes your man. Now is your husband nigh.
Enter DROMIO OF EPHESUS
ADRIANA
Say, is your tardy master now at hand?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
45
Nay, he’s at two hands with me, and that my two ears can witness.
ADRIANA
Say, didst thou speak with him? Know’st thou his mind?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Ay, ay, he told his mind upon mine ear.
Beshrew his hand, I scarce could understand it.
LUCIANA
50
Spake he so doubtfully thou couldst not feel his meaning?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Nay, he struck so plainly I could too well feel his blows, and withal so doubtfully that I could scarce understand them.
ADRIANA
But say, I prithee, is he coming home?
It seems he hath great care to please his wife.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
55
Why, mistress, sure my master is horn mad.
ADRIANA
Horn mad, thou villain!
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
I mean not cuckold mad,
But sure he is stark mad.
When I desired him to come home to dinner,
He asked me for a thousand marks in gold.
60
“’Tis dinnertime,” quoth I. “My gold,” quoth he.
“Your meat doth burn,” quoth I. “My gold,” quoth he.
“Will you come?” quoth I. “My gold,” quoth he.
“Where is the thousand marks I gave thee, villain?”
“The pig,” quoth I, “is burned.” “My gold,” quoth he.
65
“My mistress, sir,” quoth I. “Hang up thy mistress!
I know not thy mistress. Out on thy mistress!”
LUCIANA
Quoth who?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Quoth my master.
“I know,” quoth he, “no house, no wife, no mistress.”
70
So that my errand, due unto my tongue,
I thank him, I bare home upon my shoulders,
For, in conclusion, he did beat me there.
ADRIANA
Go back again, thou slave, and fetch him home.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Go back again and be new beaten home?
75
For God’s sake, send some other messenger.
ADRIANA
Back, slave, or I will break thy pate across.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
And he will bless that cross with other beating.
Between you, I shall have a holy head.
ADRIANA
Hence, prating peasant! Fetch thy master home.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
80
Am I so round with you as you with me,
That like a football you do spurn me thus?
You spurn me hence, and he will spurn me hither.
If I last in this service, you must case me in leather.
Exit DROMIO OF EPHESUS
LUCIANA
Fie, how impatience loureth in your face.
ADRIANA
85
His company must do his minions grace,
Whilst I at home starve for a merry look.
Hath homely age th’ alluring beauty took
From my poor cheek? Then he hath wasted it.
Are my discourses dull? Barren my wit?
90
If voluble and sharp discourse be marred,
Unkindness blunts it more than marble hard.
Do their gay vestments his affections bait?
That’s not my fault; he’s master of my state.
What ruins are in me that can be found
95
By him not ruined? Then is he the ground
Of my defeatures. My decayèd fair
A sunny look of his would soon repair.
But, too unruly deer, he breaks the pale
And feeds from home. Poor I am but his stale.
LUCIANA
100
Self-harming jealousy, fie, beat it hence.
ADRIANA
Unfeeling fools can with such wrongs dispense.
I know his eye doth homage otherwhere,
Or else what lets it but he would be here?
Sister, you know he promised me a chain.
105
Would that alone o’ love he would detain,
So he would keep fair quarter with his bed.
I see the jewel best enamelèd
Will lose his beauty. Yet the gold bides still
That others touch, and often touching will
110
Wear gold; yet no man that hath a name
By falsehood and corruption doth it shame.
Since that my beauty cannot please his eye,
I’ll weep what’s left away, and weeping die.
LUCIANA
How many fond fools serve mad jealousy!
Exeunt
ACT TWO
SCENE 1
Modern Text
ADRIANA and LUCIANA enter.
ADRIANA
Neither my husband nor the slave has returned, even though I sent the slave off running. Surely, Luciana, it’s already two o’clock.
LUCIANA
Maybe some merchant at the marketplace invited him home for lunch. Sister, let’s eat and stop worrying. A man is master of his own freedom: time is his only master, and when the right moment comes along, he’ll come or go as he pleases. If this is so, be patient, sister.
ADRIANA
Why should men be more free than women?
LUCIANA
Because their business lies outside the home.
ADRIANA
Listen, when I behave this way toward him, he hates it.
LUCIANA
Oh, you should know that he’s the bridle1 to your will.
ADRIANA
Only a mule would agree to that.
LUCIANA
Why, too much freedom leads to woe. There’s nothing under heaven that doesn’t have its limits. The beasts on the earth, the fish in the sea, and the birds in the sky are all subject to the males of their species and under their control. Men, who are nearest to God, are the masters of all these creatures. And men—the lords of the wide world and the wild watery seas,
gifted with intellectual sense and souls, greater than the fish and the birds—are the masters of women and their lords. Therefore, you should obey their wishes.
ADRIANA
It’s this servantlike mentality that’s keeping you unmarried.
LUCIANA
No, that’s not it—it’s because of what happens in the marriage bed.
ADRIANA
But if you were married, you’d wield some influence.
LUCIANA
Before I learn how to love, I’ll learn how to follow orders.
ADRIANA
What if your husband strays elsewhere?
LUCIANA
I’d endure it until he came home again.
ADRIANA
Now that’s patience! No wonder she’s waiting to get married. It’s easy to preach meekness when you have no reason to act otherwise. When we’re faced with a wretched person, bruised and crying with hardship, we try to get them to shush up. And yet, if we were suffering the same kind of pain, we’d complain just as much—if not more! So you, who have no husband causing you problems, want to comfort me by preaching the virtue of feeble patience. But if you live to see yourself similarly denied your rights, this foolish patience will abandon you.
LUCIANA
Well, I’ll get married one day, just to see. Here comes your servant—your husband must be coming soon.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS enters.
ADRIANA
Tell me, is your tardy master close at hand?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
No; but he came at me with two hands—just ask my ears.2
ADRIANA
Did you talk to him? Do you know his plans?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Yes, yes, he told me his plans on my ears. Damn his hands—I could barely understand it.3
LUCIANA
Did he speak so ambiguously that you couldn’t get a feeling for what he meant?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
No; he hit me very clearly and I felt his punches perfectly well. They were so dreadful, I could barely stand up under them.
ADRIANA
But please, tell me: is he coming home? It seems he has taken great care to please his wife.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Why, mistress, my master is as angry as a bull with horns.
ADRIANA
Horns? You bastard!
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
I don’t mean he’s cuckold4 mad. But he sure is angry. When I asked him to come home to lunch, he asked me for a thousand marks. “It’s lunchtime,” I said. “My gold,” he said. “The meat’s burning,” I said. “My gold,” he said. “Will you come home?” I said.
“My gold,” he said. “Where’s the thousand marks I gave you, scoundrel?” “The pig,” I said, “is burned.” “My gold,” he said. “My mistress,” I said. “Damn your mistress! I don’t know your mistress, the hell with your mistress!”
LUCIANA
Who said that?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
My master said it. “I don’t know,” he said, “any house, wife, or mistress.” My message, which was supposed to be delivered with my mouth, ended up being carried back home by my shoulders. Because at the end of it all, that’s where he beat me.
ADRIANA
Go back again, slave, and bring him home.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Go back again, to be beaten home again? For God’s sake, send somebody else.
ADRIANA
Go back, slave, or I’ll knock you one across the head.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
And he’ll add another knock across. With all these crosses, I’ll have a holy head.
ADRIANA
Get out of here, you blathering peasant! Bring your master home.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Do I treat you this roundly? You’re kicking me around like I’m a football. You kick me out, he kicks me back. If I keep working for you, I’m going to end up wrapped in leather, like a football.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS exits.
LUCIANA
Look at you! You have impatience all over your face.
ADRIANA
He feels the need to grace all his other tramps with his presence while I sit at home starving for a smile from him. Has homely old age taken the alluring beauty from my poor cheeks? That’s because he has squandered my beauty. Am I boring? Have I lost my wit? If my conversation is no longer free and clever, that’s because he’s dulled it—I’m like a sharp tool he’s blunted with a hard piece of marble. Is he charmed by their pretty clothes? Well, that’s not my fault—he’s the one in charge of my spending. What faults can you find in me that weren’t first caused by him? One smile from him would repair my decayed beauty. But like an unruly deer, he’s always trespassing past the park borders and straying away from home to feed in new pastures. I am nothing but a poor, used fool.
LUCIANA
This jealousy is harming only you! Drive it out of you.
ADRIANA
Only someone who doesn’t feel this pain could tell me to ignore it. I know his eyes are worshiping some other woman, or why wouldn’t he be here? Sister, you know he promised to give me a necklace. I would gladly do without that if he would only stay faithful to me. Even the best jewel can be tarnished. Gold, however, can’t be corrupted—though it can be worn down if it’s touched too often. And no man with a reputation will tarnish that name with lies and bad behavior. Since my beauty no longer pleases my husband, I’ll weep away what’s left and then die with weeping.
LUCIANA
How many infatuated people go mad with jealousy!
They exit.
ACT 2, SCENE 2
Original Text
Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
The gold I gave to Dromio is laid up
Safe at the Centaur, and the heedful slave
Is wandered forth, in care to seek me out.
By computation and mine host’s report,
5
I could not speak with Dromio since at first
I sent him from the mart. See, here he comes.
Enter DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
How now, sir? is your merry humor altered?
As you love strokes, so jest with me again.
You know no Centaur? You received no gold?
10
Your mistress sent to have me home to dinner?
My house was at the Phoenix? Wast thou mad,
That thus so madly thou didst answer me?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
What answer, sir? When spake I such a word?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Even now, even here, not half an hour since.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
15
I did not see you since you sent me hence,
Home to the Centaur with the gold you gave me.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Villain, thou didst deny the gold’s receipt
And told’st me of a mistress and a dinner,
For which, I hope, thou felt’st I was displeased.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
20
I am glad to see you in this merry vein.
What means this jest? I pray you, master, tell me?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Yea, dost thou jeer and flout me in the teeth?
Think’st thou I jest? Hold, take thou that and that. (beats DROMIO OF SYRACUSE)
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Hold, sir, for God’s sake! Now your jest is earnest.
25
Upon what bargain do you give it me?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Because that I familiarly sometimes
Do use you for my fool and chat with you,
Your sauciness will jest upon my love
And make a common of my serious hours.
30
When the sun shines, let foolish gnats make sport,
But creep in crannies when he hides his beams.
If you will jest with me, know my aspect,
And fashion your demeanor to my looks,
Or I will beat this method in your sconce.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
35
“Sconce” call you it? So you would leave battering, I had rather have it a “head.” An you use these blows long, I must get a sconce for my head and ensconce it too, or else I shall seek my wit in my shoulders. But I pray, sir, why am I beaten?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
40
Dost thou not know?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Nothing, sir, but that I am beaten.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Shall I tell you why?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Ay, sir, and wherefore, for they say every why hath a wherefore.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
45
“Why” first: for flouting me; and then “wherefore”: for urging it the second time to me.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Was there ever any man thus beaten out of season,
When in the “why” and the “wherefore” is neither rhyme nor reason?
Well, sir, I thank you.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
50
Thank me, sir, for what?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Marry, sir, for this something that you gave me for nothing.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
I’ll make you amends next, to give you nothing for something. But say, sir, is it dinnertime?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
No, sir, I think the meat wants that I have.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
55
In good time, sir, what’s that?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Basting.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
