Fixing her, p.19
Fixing Her, page 19
Luckily, one of the waitresses quit this week, so in addition to Saturday nights, this week I started working the peak hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Tonight is my first Tuesday working since I quit Kade Construction a week ago.
I work three times as hard for half the pay, but Ellie and I are fighters and we’ll survive. Every day since I last saw Asher has been a struggle to breathe. I never knew it could be possible to love another human with the same sort of pure abandon I feel for my child, but he is right up there sitting behind her in my heart.
I finish up the meeting and arrange to start working with Trevor twice a week after school. After he leaves, I sit in the coffee shop we met in and finish the only treat I’m allowing myself. With Ellie at Leigh’s parents’ for the night, I have the rare opportunity to take some time for me.
Around five-thirty in the evening I head to the bar. I’ll be a bit early for my shift, but I can’t sit and rethink all my mistakes anymore. I notice the bar is dead slow as I pull into the parking lot.
Great. Looks like tonight’s tips aren’t going to be helping much. I’m almost inside the door when I hear my name being called from behind me. Thinking maybe I dropped something, I turn, looking around.
Coming toward me is Diane Kade. My instincts tell me to run away, to hide from this confrontation. But I can’t do that to her—I’ve put her through too much.
I wait for her to make her way to me and once we’re face-to-face, I don’t even give her a chance to talk. My nerves get the best of me, and I just start blurting out my truth. “I was a coward.” I need her to hear this. “Mal and I were not dating. Honestly, I didn’t even know him, and it wasn’t until after I was pregnant that I even realized he was a Kade.”
“Sweet baby girl, I know. I understand, and I’m guessing you’re already aware of Malcolm’s struggles. I can’t lie and say I’m not interested in the past, because you are a link to answers about a child I lost. But I think you need to talk to Asher first. I can tell he’s important to you.”
“I love him.” My voice is weak, and I’m holding back tears. “And I won’t do anything to lose his trust again.” I can only hope that though I’ve lost him, Ellie hasn’t. The void in my heart where he belongs might never be filled, and I never want her to feel that ache, too.
Warm arms take me in, enveloping me in a hug I didn’t know I needed.
“I know you do and if I had to guess I’d say my son loves you, too. He’s always had a bit of a hard edge but the biggest heart. I can tell he misses you. And he misses Ellie.”
I look at the ground, not sure where to go from here. Ellie’s been asking for Muffin, and I don’t know how to explain to her the changes happening.
“Does he know you’re here tonight?” Even though we aren’t together anymore, I can’t sneak around where he is concerned. I owe him that much.
“He knows I was planning on trying to contact you this week. He agrees that if you allow it, we would all, including Asher, love to be a part of Ellie’s life. We aren’t looking to interfere with her schedule or y’all’s life together.
“We just hope there’s room in there for us to get to know the miracle we never knew existed. There is no denying that Asher loves that little girl. While I don’t know what the future holds for us, we all agree that she’s a blessing. We want to be in your lives somehow. If you will allow it.” She gives the hand she’s been holding a gentle squeeze. “And speaking of Asher, he actually sent me with a box to give you. It’s in the car.”
She motions to her shiny silver Kia Optima parked alongside my dinged-up Camry. God, I hope she didn’t get a look inside. At least six sweaters, three pairs of shoes, dozens of toys and, I’m ashamed to admit, a few too many crumbs litter the back seat.
“Umm . . . a box?” Maybe I left some personal items at the office? I’m not sure what else he could have for me.
“Yes, he said to just pass it on to you when I saw you this week.”
She walks back to her car and I follow her across the small parking lot, unsure of what to do. I still have a few minutes until I need to go in, but I’m nervous about what she has for me. By the time I get to her car, she’s pulled out a box I recognize. It’s the one I sent all my work supplies back to Asher in.
What the ever-loving hell?
I don’t even get a chance to protest before she hands me a note folded over and stapled closed with just my name written across the top in a handwriting that sets my heart aflutter.
He should not be able to make me feel this way with just his messy, all in capital letters, handwriting. It’s not fair to my heart. After taking the letter, I stare at it for far too long before shoving it in my back pocket to read at home.
I do not have the time or mental capacity to handle this right now. I pick up the box Diane has since sat beside my car and put it into my trunk before turning back to her. In the short amount of time I’ve spent around her, I’ve gotten the feeling she’s a strong woman. She might look sweet and docile with her short blond hair and petite stature, but I know she can hold her own with the men in her life.
The woman standing next to me today is vastly different than the Diane I was starting to get to know. She’s fidgeting with her hands and waiting patiently for me to get myself settled. She’s nervous and she can’t hide it.
“Diane, I would love for you and Mark to be involved in her life. Asher, too, if he wants. We don’t have to figure it all out tonight but get my number from Asher, and we can work out a first official meeting as grandparents.” This idea of sharing my baby, it’s so fucking hard. But it’s the right thing to do and already I can tell the Kades will only add more joy to Ellie’s life.
“Thank you. Thank you so much. I would say you don’t know what this means to me, but as a momma, I’m guessing you have some idea.” She pulls me in for a tight hug. One she doesn’t seem to be in a rush to end. “And don’t give up on our boy. He’ll come around.”
She pulls out of our embrace, and we say our goodbyes as she gets in her car and pulls out of Pete’s parking lot.
The night passes as slow as molasses. Saturday nights are hectic and full of both locals and people from surrounding towns wanting a night off, ready to let off some steam. But Tuesdays seem to be mostly regulars who are avoiding home life and those with no one to go home to.
With a preschool payment looming and the bills piling up, I can’t afford to say no to any work I can get. Thankfully, I didn’t have to close up tonight, and it’s only midnight when I get home.
Leigh’s mom offered to let Ellie have a sleepover and get her to school for me tomorrow, and I don’t have a house to clean in the morning. For the first time in a while, I have time to sleep in and maybe even bake a little tomorrow.
I’m already inside my place when I remember the big box in my trunk and the stapled note in my back pocket, just waiting for me to open it.
I slide my flip-flops back on and go grab the box and set it on the coffee table. I pull the note out and sit my ass on the couch. If I wasn’t so worked up over what this could mean, I’d be relieved to finally be off my feet.
I pull the note out and unfold it. I’m not sure what I was expecting but reading it has me angry and confused.
Temperance,
I do not accept your resignation. Your self-imposed vacation ends Monday. You can do all your work from home and feel free to email with any concerns or questions.
Asher Kade
I slam the note down on top of the box I’m confident contains my work laptop and scanner. He can’t just refuse to accept me quitting. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.
I march back to my room to wash my face, hoping to calm the rage I’m feeling down to my bones. Man wants me to work for him but won’t talk to me? Wants me to accept his inflated salary but refuses to see me in the office?
No.
Just no. If he wants me to work with him, he’ll need to learn to at least communicate professionally with me.
Me: I prefer text over email. And you can’t refuse someone’s resignation.
Asher: Email allows us to keep office hours better, and I think I did refuse, so I guess you can.
Asshat. That’s what he is. I know he’s hurting and I should just ignore this childish behavior, but I can’t. It’s not that easy.
Me: I have new jobs now. I can’t just up and start back working for you because you deemed it so.
Asher: You can stop the extra shifts and for God’s sake stop cleaning houses.
Me: Don’t act like you know me and my life.
Asher: Oh, I know you. Know how you’d do anything for your little girl. I know how you crave a family life like you thought you missed out on. I know how white wine makes you giggly but red wine makes you horny. I know how you feel under me. But most of all I know you need the money and can’t afford not to take this job. I expect you to start next Monday. I put in these last two weeks as paid vacation.
He’s infuriating, but he’s not wrong. I can’t afford not to take him up on this offer. I need this job but having him in my work life and because of his relationship with Ellie, it might possibly slowly kill me.
Me: FINE!
Asher: Great, so can I go back to sleep now?
Me: Yeah, yeah. Office hours and emails.
I spend the rest of the week finishing out the cleaning clients I have lined up and making sure the shifts at Pete’s will be covered from here on out. I was lucky to have only taken on two tutoring clients and I refuse to pull out of those obligations.
Those kids’ futures are riding on my tutoring sessions and I won’t do anything that could affect that. With everything straightened out, I enjoy the weekend with my little girl. We head to our favorite park in a nearby town Sunday and spend the entire day playing, having a picnic, and feeding the ducks.
It’s heaven for me, with all the drama unfolding in my life. It’s nowhere near going away. The simple day with my favorite person is just what I need. As we sit on our small plaid blanket near the water’s edge, I attempt to explain to her the small but significant ways her life is about to change forever.
She’s never had any family; Leigh and the Simms are the closest she’s had to an aunt and grandparents, but it’s not the same. Deep down, I’ve always worried she’d feel she was missing out. I did as a child with it being just Mom and me. When my dad left I was young, and I had no clue what I’d done wrong.
It’s time for her to meet her grandparents, but first I need to tell her about them. She probably won’t understand, but I still feel the need to explain before putting her in that situation.
“Baby girl, I need to talk to you.”
“Ducks, Momma. Can I give them my crackers?”
Trying to have a serious conversation with an almost-four-year-old is near impossible.
“In a minute, sweetie.”
“Ducks, ducks, ducks!” She’s chanting now loudly and thanks to her little girl voice and her inability to enunciate properly it comes out sounding much more inappropriate.
I’m suddenly very aware of all the people surrounding us as she starts running around the blanket singing “Fucks, Fucks, Fucks feed a fuck.”
My cheeks redden with embarrassment as I feel the eyes of the parents nearby. The ones whose children are playing quietly together. Not cursing or anything.
“Yes, Ells, if you sit and focus I will give you crackers to feed the d-ucks.”
She must be appeased by my answer, because she plops right down in front of me and stares up with eager anticipation.
“You know how it’s always just been you and me?”
“And Leigh-Leigh!”
“Yes, and Leigh, but wouldn’t it be fun to add some more people to our family? How would you feel about meeting your grandma and grandpa?”
“Do they give presents for my birthday?”
Lordy, this isn’t going to be easy.
“Yes, baby, but more importantly they want to spend time with you and get to know you more. Maybe even have sleepovers once you get comfortable.”
“Do they have toys? And princess movies?”
My girl’s priorities are questionable at best, but at least she’s open to the idea. She needs to see there’s no shortage of love surrounding her.
“Yes, baby.”
“Okie dokie. Can I play with the ducks now?”
A chuckle escapes at her inability to get the D in ducks right, but she’s so cute I can’t bring myself to worry over it.
“Sure, sweetheart. Here are the crackers. Just stay right here in front of the blanket, please.”
Tomorrow after school we are supposed to meet Diane and Mark at the ice cream parlor. I’m overwhelmed with emotion over the excitement they have at having their granddaughter around. Not just because she’s the daughter of the son they lost, but they seem to have a real interest in her as a person.
Ever since she approached me in the parking lot at Pete’s, both Diane and Mark have been calling and texting, wanting to know more about her. Right now, it’s unclear how much Asher will be involved, but the two of them are living and breathing for their new granddaughter.
Tomorrow, my life of having her all to myself changes and I’m equally terrified and excited that she gets what I never had, a family that desperately wants her in their lives.
I CAN’T ESCAPE THE ONE woman I’m determined to stay away from. It’s been a couple weeks since she started back at the company and already she’s everywhere in my life. If it isn’t a text or email confirming she’s completed yet another task, then I’m running into her somewhere in this suddenly way too small town.
Temperance: I’ve finished with scanning the old drafts and I only have two years of invoices left to scan. Should be done this week, boss.
Me: Great.
Temperance: Sure you don’t want me to come into the office for a few hours in the mornings to help out? Answer phones?
Me: Not necessary. Also, I thought we agreed to communicate through email, not text.
Temperance: Don’t be difficult, Asher.
Asher: Email, Temperance.
I grin at the ease of banter, reminding me of happier times. The ding of my email notification has me glancing at my phone, followed by full-on laughing at what I see next.
Asher,
Don’t be an ass.
Sincerely,
Your EMPLOYEE,
Temperance
She’s right and I know it. I asked her to work for the company because I can’t just let her go. But with every interaction, I find myself slipping into some strange form of angry flirtation.
She’s close to finishing up the projects I have her working on. If I don’t come up with something soon, she’ll either need to start working back in the office or will clue in that she might be overpaid for a manager of a small company that can mostly run itself.
This started out as me looking for temporary help to digitize the company, but I don’t enjoy doing the day to day tasks like ordering supplies and managing the requests for the crew.
Much of that would require her being in the office at least some time. How am I supposed to move past the pain of falling in love with a woman who is replacing my brother with me if she’s around?
I need more time. Thankfully, last Sunday dinner Dad mentioned some old invoices boxed up in the basement. Those will buy me a little time.
I know at some point I’m going to need to actually talk to Temperance. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to hear her explain how she fell for Malcolm. How they made a perfect child together. I have to let her tell me all of this while still wanting her more than I’ve ever wanted another person. Somehow, I have to accomplish this without allowing myself to taste the sweetest lips I’ve ever known. Those lips don’t belong to me anymore. Maybe they never really did.
The day gets lost in a sea of phone calls, drawing out plans, and checking in with current active projects. Before I even realize it, I’ve worked through lunch and it’s already after five.
I call it a day and decide to stop at Mom and Pop’s on the way home. If I’m lucky, Mom will have cooked and I can grab a quick bite and grab the boxes Pop said he had downstairs.
I recognize the old beat down car in the driveway before I’m even out of my own car. I can’t even go to my own parents’ house without running into the one girl who’s so deep in my heart that she was able to make a permanent cut.
Leaving and coming back tomorrow would probably be the smart decision. We’ve already had one confrontation at my parents’ and it wasn’t my finest hour.
I really should go.
I tell myself this as I open the car door and walk up the steps. I enter my childhood home and instantly am hit with the happy sounds of a joyous family in the kitchen.
A family that doesn’t include me, apparently. I shouldn’t be mad at this. I’ve given her no indication that I want to be involved. And yet, I can’t help the pure anger I feel hearing them laughing as if I’m not living with half my heart ripped out.
Rage and a bit of shame fill me as I make my way to the kitchen. I try using the short walk there to calm myself but before I make it all the way to the kitchen, I come face-to-face with the woman who I still have to admit holds my heart in her hands.
“Why are you here, Temperance? If you’re looking for another brother to trick into replacing the dead one, you’ll be sadly disappointed. I’m now an only child.”
I regret the words before she can even really take them in.
“That’s not what happened! Not. At. All. Tell me you know that?” The expression on her face says it all. She’s shocked and outraged at my outburst.
I shake my head in denial. I know my feelings for her were one-hundred percent pure, but when it comes to knowing if she felt the same for me, I’m filled with nothing but confusion.
“Tell me. What part of getting knocked up by my brother only to lose him and then date me when I reappear months later do I have wrong? Tell me none of that happened. You wanted yourself a Kade brother by any means possible. Congrats, you’ve had us both, so now you can move on.”
