Fixing her, p.13
Fixing Her, page 13
But our reality isn’t that simple. I just need to remind her of how good we are together before she tells me what is upsetting her.
We both pull back at the same time, panting, wanting more but knowing she needs to get out whatever it is that’s tearing her up.
“God, your mouth, I can never get enough of that mouth.”
“We weren’t supposed to be kissing tonight!”
“I don’t remember making that promise. Don’t think I could ever keep a promise that requires not kissing you.”
“We need to slow down.” She’s scooting back down into the faded plaid chair, attempting to put some distance between us.
Her words shock me, and I take a sip of my beer to let them sink in.
“I’m dealing with a lot right now. I need to find a new job soon. This is all moving so fast. I feel rattled and frenzied in my own life. I’m not saying I can’t see you ever, but we can’t move at this rapid pace. I need to get my life in order. To not constantly run three steps behind in everything.”
“Well.” I take in what she’s saying, and I can’t lie. It hurts, but the expression on her face tells me she’s hurting, too. “Okay.” What else can I say to her?
“We need to go back to being just friends while I figure out some things in my life. I have so much I want to open up to you about, but I need to accept my past first before I can ask anyone else to. I’m not asking for us to be over.”
She’s fidgeting with her hair and refusing to look me in the eyes. How can she think I won’t accept everything she has to give?
“I just need you to be patient with me while I get my life to a place where I don’t feel like it’s impossible to balance all this change. I want to be completely open and honest with you. I’m just not there yet.” Her face is full of hurt and pain as she finishes explaining why we can’t have what we both want.
“I want to help you. I can’t just walk away knowing you’re struggling.”
She has to know I’d do anything to make her life easier, better, happier. These girls are quickly becoming my everything.
“I know, but I need to get back on track for myself. I can’t keep reverting to getting caught up in the now and letting everything else fall by the wayside.”
I hear her words but even now I know they’re only half-truths. She’s worried about something, and I just wish she were comfortable to open up to me completely.
“We deserve better than this. We deserve a real chance.” I’m angry. It feels like she’s giving up.
“We can still hang out. We can meet at the park, go for pizza even. But we need to stop the kissing, the sexy texts, the late-night calls. It’s too much to balance that with being a good mom, getting life in order, and three jobs. I need to learn to balance all that before I can add any kind of relationship to the mix.”
I thought tonight was going to be the next step in becoming an us. A real date, in a real restaurant. I thought we’d go out, come back to put Peanut to bed, then some kissing on the couch. Instead, I’m sitting here completely confused about this sudden change.
“I can’t just walk away from you. From this.” I sound irate and I know it, but we could really be great together and she’s just quitting.
“I don’t want you to. God, I don’t, but I need us to pause for a bit, for now. Please, please let me have this time. I like you so much, but right now I feel like I’m spinning out of control. There’s a lot I need to face on my own, and I promise if I’m ever ready I’ll tell you everything. But I’m not there yet. It’s not right for me to get involved when I can’t give you one hundred percent.”
“This isn’t fucking fair. You can’t just make me start to fall for you and when I’m here, ready to give this a real chance, you just push me aside.” I’m pissed and can’t hold in the anger I’m feeling. “You’re better than this.”
My words are harsh, and I regret letting my emotions take control when tears start streaming down my girl’s face. For several long moments we both sit silently thinking. I realize I’m not helping the situation. No matter how furious I am with her right now I need to look at the big picture.
She’s hurting and I’m not making it better. I can wait for her, win her over. I can show her we can be so good together, we can make our lives special. I just need to show her I have the patience she’s asking for.
I grab her hand and lead her back inside. I need to hold her one last time before I leave. I sit down on her couch and pull her into me. I just hold her in my arms for what feels like hours. Neither of us trying to break apart but neither of us trying to turn this embrace into something more.
The sun has fully set, and I realize she’s fallen asleep up against me. I look at her sweet, innocent face and I swear to myself I’ll do anything I can to make her life everything she could possibly want.
I ease out from below her and help spread her out on the couch. I cover her with a blanket before turning the lights out and ensuring everything in the house is locked down. I sneak one last innocent kiss to her lips before heading out, locking the front door behind me as I do.
On the drive home, I devise a plan. She wants to be friends? Well, then move over Leigh, because I’m going to be the best friend she’s ever had. I’m a man on a mission and that mission is to win over Temperance Price.
I’m in this for the long haul. No matter how long it takes. No matter how many innocent movie nights and hikes around the lake it takes. That woman was made to be mine, and I was made to be hers.
I’M FIRED.
This has been a long time coming, but I honestly thought I’d have time to look for something else. Grumpy Garcia was waiting for me at my desk when I walked through the door.
I was FIVE MINUTES late. FIVE. Countless times I tried explaining to him that I can’t drop Ellie off at nine and be here by nine at the same time. He tried being generous, saying that it wouldn’t count as late until nine fifteen. Which would be great—if it wasn’t a ten-minute drive without traffic.
I hit every light.
This was bound to happen when I put her in daycare this year instead of leaving her with Ms. Gibbons, an older lady in one of the houses in our neighborhood.
When she was at her house, I could drop her off earlier. But Ellie needed to be around other kids. Plus, Ms. Gibbons was getting older and it was becoming harder for her to keep up with my clever little girl.
I knew this was coming. I really did. So why am I sitting on my bathroom floor at eleven in the morning bawling? This is ridiculous. I should be pounding the pavement. I have a small savings, but not enough to sustain us for long.
“Mouse?” I hear Leigh’s boisterous voice call from the front of the house. “You here, Mouse?”
“Bathroom,” I manage to call out between sobs.
I’d be embarrassed by my situation if it was anyone but her. I’m curled on the floor on top of a pile of dirty laundry I left here this morning. Yet another mad dash out the door. I’m surrounded by wads of used tissue from crying alone for the past hour. I can’t even imagine what my face must look like.
“Sweetie.”
Instantly, her arms surround me, and I continue to sob into her shoulder. It takes me a good five minutes before I look up at her face.
She appears shocked at the sight of me. I don’t break down often. When Ellie almost broke her arm at the park when she was two, I didn’t freak out or break down. I quickly got her to the ER and stayed calm holding her while the doctor checked her over. I’ve worked hard over the years at keeping myself in control, but lately I’ve been feeling like I’m constantly spinning.
I just need to pull on my big girl panties and set an example of how to be strong for us. I want my daughter to know we can overcome any obstacle thrown our way.
“What happened, Mouse?”
“Nothing I didn’t see coming,” I get out between sobs. “Got fired, got wrinkles, got chubby, and had to break up with Asher. And I’m not really even dating him. But I dumped him. It’s all too much.”
Leigh sits silently, holding me on the floor. Atop the dirty laundry. She doesn’t ask questions and she doesn’t try to fight me on any of it. She just holds me.
Leigh’s been my saving grace since I moved back home from college to take care of Mom. Even more so since Ellie came along. Without her by my side, I wouldn’t have made it through Mom’s death, my downward spiral, the pregnancy, and getting my life back in order.
She knows me so well. For the next ten minutes she just lets me cry and get it out. Once my tears have all fallen and my voice is weak from the silent sobs, she passes me a hand towel.
“I’m gonna go put on the coffee and make a couple calls canceling today’s clients.”
“No, Leigh, you gotta work.”
“Mouse, it’s okay. They’ll reschedule. Remember? I’m the best. Life happens. They’ll understand.”
With that, she walks out of the bathroom and gives me a few minutes to get myself as together as I can. I wash my face and change back into the sweats I had on earlier. Hair in ponytail and fuzzy socks on my feet, I’m ready to face all the questions I’m positive Leigh has been holding in while I had my little meltdown.
I get to the kitchen and find her sitting at the table drinking her cup of coffee and already has mine ready on the table across from her. Silently, I sit and take a huge gulp of the piping hot liquid.
“What the hell, Leigh?” I spit half my sip across the table. “What the ever-loving fuck is in my coffee?”
“Just a bit of Bailey’s. You need it. Hell, for this conversation, I need it.”
“It’s ten-thirty in the morning, Leigh.” I set the cup down on the table. “I gotta get Ellie this afternoon.”
Smiling, she reaches to the floor and like a devious version of Mary Poppins she comes back up with an entire fifth of Bailey’s. She sits it down hard on the Formica table top and looks me dead in the eyes.
“Here’s the deal. You’ll have as many cups as it takes for us to work all this out.” She takes a sip of hers and raises one precisely drawn on eyebrow, just begging me to say something else. “Now, Mom is getting her at five. They’re going to the park and she’ll be having a sleepover at Mom and Dad’s.”
“God.” I bury my head in my hands. “What did you tell your mom?”
“That we were day-drinking.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s fine. How often do we blow off responsibilities and drink during the day? We reserve that behavior for Wine Wednesdays. But sometimes it’s okay to be reckless.”
She points to the cup I sat back down on the table. “Drink.” It’s not a suggestion. It’s an order.
I love her.
“Let’s tackle this one issue and one drink at a time. You got fired.”
“Yup.” I drink the coffee and the warmth of the liquor moves down my throat and I’m not gonna lie, it’s helping.
“Grumpy Garcia is an ass. I’m not surprised. The only surprising part is that you haven’t walked out of there before now. Really, Mouse, you’re smart and resourceful. You can find better.”
“In this town? I’m not sure I can.”
“I got a few ideas, but I need to check with some people first. So, let’s put a pin in that one. You have some savings to get you by until we figure this out?” She gives me a pointed look, daring me to fight her on this.
“Yeah, I’m fine for a few weeks but not enough to last long term. Hopefully, I can pick up some shifts at Pete’s.”
“Good. One down, for now.”
I finish off my coffee and grab a handful of cereal out of the box still sitting on the counter from this morning. Girl’s gotta eat and all.
“Problems two and three, please. What wrinkles? You probably still get carded at R movies.”
She’s not wrong.
“You can’t deny my face doesn’t look as youthful as it used to.” I plead my case, knowing at this point I’m just miserable and wanting to complain.
I don’t hate how I look and most days despite not being put together I’m much more confident than I was as the small, quiet girl when we were in school.
“Duh, you aren’t a teenager anymore. A good concealer for those dark circles and a fantastic moisturizer, and you’ll continue looking like you’re still barely out of high school. You’re finally looking like a woman.
“Same thing goes for your curves. Most women would die to have your proportions. Plus, we’re almost the exact same size, so shut your face about your body. It’s perfect.” She takes a gulp of her second cup. “I bet you never heard Kade complaining.”
“Whatever,” I mumble as I sink back down into my seat. Leigh has never had a problem telling me the truth, even if it stings a bit. I respect her for her honesty.
“Now for the last non-problem. Kade.”
“That problem is solved. He agrees we can be friends. Nothing more.”
“Interesting.”
I swear her eyes get an evil glint to them when she thinks she has a good idea.
“Not interesting, Leigh. Just facts.”
“Sure, sure, but y’all are still friends.”
“Yes, but not kissing friends.” I smile at the reference, but sadness takes over before too long.
I already miss the taste of his lips.
“But whyyyyyy?” She’s whining now. “You got a hot man. One who wanted to be in your bed and in your life. Plus, he loves your daughter. There isn’t anything better than that.”
“Leigh.” My tone is full of warning. “You know this is what’s best. It’s too complicated. Right now, I need to focus on getting a job and building my savings up.”
“Here’s the thing. It’s okay to make mistakes. Do you know how many single moms are out there? Tons. Life is a chaotic mess, but you need to make the most of it. You need to take life by the balls and claim a little happiness for yourself. This might not be your dream scenario, but he is your dream guy. You can have the life you want. You can have it all, even if it’s messy.”
“It’s not that simple, and you know it.” I close my eyes, needing to believe my own words. “I have to think of my girl. She’s too little for all this. I need more time before her whole world changes.”
Even saying that I know it’s a bullshit excuse. I’m terrified to lose this man. This perfect, kind, patient man. If I can’t even be open with my best friend who knows everything about my life, how am I going to learn how to be open with the man I could envision spending the rest of my life with?
I bare it all to her, even knowing it’s going to tear me up just to admit my truth. “But more than that, it’s not fair to him. He needs to be able to make the choice to be with me because he knows all my secrets and still chooses to. I need to figure out how to get out of my head and fully open up to him. I want to. I really do. But, Leigh, I’m so fucking scared.”
“Fine. I’ll let it go today. But this conversation isn’t over. You deserve to be happy. You’re more than just her mom. You’re a woman, too. She wants to see you happy. We all do.”
“Leigh,” I warn. “Not now. Soon, I promise I’ll try. But not yet.”
Putting her hands in the air in surrender, she drops the topic. Though I have no reason to believe she’s giving up this easily.
We spend the rest of the afternoon curled up on the couch watching a Jennifer Lopez movie marathon. I firmly believe she is the most underrated actress out there. I dare you to watch Maid in Manhattan and stay in a bad mood.
Two movies and one small nap later, and we wake to an unexpected knock on the door. I jump up from the couch, realizing that my cat nap sobered me up but left me with a headache the size of Texas.
I guess finishing a fifth of Bailey’s for brunch wasn’t the smartest thing we could’ve done. I stumble to the door and notice I’m all alone. Leigh has snuck out like the whore she is.
I open the door expecting to see Mrs. Simms. She probably needs something for their sleepover. Instead, once again I’m nose to chest with the one man I can’t hide from.
“Hi, Tempie.”
His voice is still the pure sex I remember. It’s been over a week since we stood here in agreement that we stop dating. He said he understood, so why is he here on a Wednesday late afternoon looking like this is where he belongs?
I blink away the awe I get every time I see him. “What are you doing here?”
“Can I come in?”
Reluctantly, I open the door and he walks in like he has too many times before. I should be okay with this. I agreed to still be friends. I enjoy having him around. Plus, I don’t want to yank him from Ellie’s life after stupidly allowing him to enter it without thinking about all the consequences. But seeing him here after a week of being without him is undeniably difficult.
I’ve been alone for most of my adult life, but these past weeks having him around felt as much right as it’s felt wrong. It’s confusing and far too much for me to handle after the day I’ve had.
“We agreed to just be friends,” I remind him. I can’t deal with him trying to change what we agreed on.
“We are friends. Don’t friends visit each other?”
“Yes, but usually they call first.”
“Are you not happy to see me?”
“Of course I am, it’s just hard. You have to know this isn’t easy on me either, right?”
“I do. I’m a patient man, and I don’t want to lose you or Ellie completely.”
“So, what brings you around?” My tone is softer, but I still need to know why he’s here.
“Well, I got a text saying and I quote ‘Temperance needs a job and word on the street is you are in need of an office manager.’ Followed by your salary demands and the schedule you’d prefer. Leigh is scary. Did you know that?”
I laugh because, yes, I did know that.
“She followed it up with some demands of her own that I won’t go into but also won’t deny I’m fine with.”
“I can’t work with you.” I tilt my chin up to tell him looking directly in his eyes. A wicked smile crosses over his face.
We’re still standing in the entryway. I look around and I can’t decide if I should lead him to the table for negotiations, the couch for a casual conversation, or just show him the door and put an end to this insanity.
