Just like that, I knew which memory this was. I was moving backward through Collith’s life, starting from what had happened most recently and finishing with the furthest parts of his past. This was the day Laurie and Collith had sex for the first time, and both of their lives shattered.

  I watched Laurie bury his fingers in Collith’s hair and kiss him as if his wildest dream had come true. Oddly, I felt no jealousy. I couldn’t. They truly loved each other, and it was the sort of love that most people spent a lifetime searching for, only to settle for a pale imitation.

  I’d already seen the rest; I knew how this story ended. Suddenly, I had no desire to keep rifling through Collith’s head. I removed myself with careful, delicate movements, and then we were back in the alley. I waited until Collith’s eyes opened to say, “I don’t need to see any more.”

  He made a tired, helpless gesture. “Fortuna, the first time I had sex, I had no idea what it would mean. What I was capable of. She was just a normal, human girl. No power at all. She moved away and I met Laurie shortly after. As you know, he has power in abundance. When I took it from him, I had no control. I didn’t choose it. That didn’t stop Laurie from killing my mother, though. And as I watched her suffer every day, for years on end, I couldn’t imagine ever trusting someone with my secret. Not after that.”

  Collith fell silent, and I felt it again—the urge to feel bad for him. Forgive him. To my dismay, I couldn’t find a glimmer of the old resentment that once lit up my insides, and my heart slammed against the walls I’d built around it.

  “I should go back inside,” I whispered. “Viessa is probably looking for me.”

  Collith let me go. I climbed the concrete steps. Just as I reached the door, I remembered the other truth I’d learned tonight. I paused and looked back at Collith. “I took two pregnancy tests. They were both negative. I’ll take another one, just to make sure, but… they were negative. I thought you might want to know.”

  He absorbed this for a moment. “You seem disappointed,” he said.

  I was disappointed. I couldn’t pretend otherwise. But how could I possibly explain it to Collith in a way he’d understand?

  A strange impulse came over me. I studied Collith, frowning, and slowly went back down the stairs. “As thanks for being kind to Savannah when she came to Court, Mercy paid me a visit,” I told him.

  I shouldn’t have been able to show him one of my memories, not to mention there was no trace of fear tucked within its strands. But I expressed a desire to show him the face in my mind, and when I heard Collith’s swift intake, the softest of gasps, I knew it had worked. He’d seen her. Our child with the rosebud lips and a head full of hair.

  Christine. That was what I had named her.

  I didn’t wait to see Collith’s reaction. I drifted back up the stairs, and I reentered the club without looking back. The door slammed behind me.

  This time, I had a drink.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  It was nearing sunrise when I got home.

  The escort Viessa sent with me vanished at the tree line, and he didn’t bother saying goodbye. It had been a silent walk from the Door to Cyrus’s land—the faerie was one I didn’t know, and I was distracted, thinking about all the things I’d seen in Collith’s head tonight. My emotions felt like tangles and knots, which was why I barely noticed when the Guardian left. I stepped onto the lawn alone, pushing a snow-covered branch out of my way.

  Then I lifted my head and got my first look at the homestead. To my surprise, every light in the loft blazed bright. Why was everyone awake? Had something happened? And why was Damon pacing in front of the barn?

  I broke into a run, cursing the heels I was wearing. They were better than bare feet, though. Damon heard me coming and lifted his head. His eyes were wild. Finn sat near the barn doors wearing his wolf shape. He watched me approach, already scanning my body for anything amiss.

  “I didn’t know what to do,” Damon blurted the moment I was within earshot. “I told her that seeing Matthew was probably a bad idea—it would just confuse him when she left again—but she threatened to call a lawyer. Do I even have legal rights here, Fortuna? Now they’re up there, alone, because Savannah asked me to give them some privacy. Oh, fuck, what if she takes him?”

  “Okay, take a breath, please. You need to breathe, Damon.” I glanced up at the window, as if I’d see Savannah standing there. “Is Emma with them?”

  “No.” Damon shook his head. “She’s in the house with Cyrus.”

  I frowned at this. Emma was fiercely protective of children, and she already loved Matthew like a grandson. It seemed strange that she would...

  Oh, fuck. My confusion cleared. Of course Emma wouldn’t want to be in the same space as the necromancer. Savannah was the one who killed Fred. She hadn’t been the one to rip his chest open, but it was a creature she was responsible for.

  “Nym is up there, though,” Damon added, as if that meant something. Our faerie roommate wouldn’t be much help in a situation like this. Or any situation, really. Nym meant well, but most of the time, he wasn’t sure which day it was. He called Matthew The Tiny One.

  Before I could ask Damon what else Savannah had said, she emerged from the barn, slipping through the doors as if she wanted to be as unobtrusive as possible. Matthew’s baby monitor glowed in her hand. Savannah’s auburn hair had grown in the brief time since I’d seen her last, and now the pixie cut looked like a jaw-length bob. She wore what looked like the castoffs of a fae courtier. A gown of thick, red velvet and a velvet-lined cloak.

  She looks good, I admitted reluctantly.

  “I put him back to bed. I’m sorry I came so late,” Savannah said. She held the baby monitor out to Damon, who took it wordlessly. That was when the necromancer noticed me, and her mouth puckered in confusion—she could probably sense the magic disguising my face.

  Belanor may have known where I was, but I still had a lot of enemies that didn’t. I wanted to keep it that way. I waited until Savannah’s gaze met mine. Trying to be subtle, I glanced at the ring on my finger.

  “It’s a blending spell,” I said under my breath.

  Savannah’s face cleared, and she shifted her focus away. It landed back on Damon. We watched her visibly take a breath before she said, “I want more time with him.”

  “No.” Damon didn’t pretend to think about it. “You raise the dead just by being near a body, Sav.”

  She didn’t flinch. Instead, Savannah held her head high, and her voice came out firmer. “It isn’t a problem as long as I stay away from graveyards and funeral homes.”

  Damon opened his mouth to respond, and I could tell from his expression that there was an argument coming. “I’m going to check on Matthew,” I said quickly.

  Both of them looked at me, but I didn’t wait for a response. I walked toward the doors, and Finn promptly got to his feet, readying to follow me. Damon’s voice floated through the frigid air.

  “You left him, Savannah. On the fucking doorstep.”

  “That wasn’t because of my… issues. I was being hunted, Damon.”

  “Issues? Is that what you call it?” I heard Damon say as I pulled the barn door open. “And if you were being hunted, what changed? Why is it safe to come back now?”

  Savannah’s response was too faint to make out. I crossed the first floor of the barn, my heels making clicking sounds against the concrete. Finn loped past me, his fluffy tail swishing. He went upstairs without hesitation. I stopped at the bottom of the steps, using the railing for support, and slipped off both shoes. They dangled from the tips of my fingers while I started up the stairwell after Finn.

  At the top, the lights in the kitchen hit my eyes. I didn’t react to the brightness—I was completely sober. Seeing Savannah in our home, knowing she’d been near Matthew, had burned away the magic in my veins like wildfire over a field of dry grass.

  Finn was already on the rug in front of the fireplace. Someone had left the flames on, but at a muted setting. They cast the faintest of glows over that side of the room.

  Feeling an inexplicable urge to check on everyone, I went to Nym’s bedroom first. I tapped softly, and the door cracked open at the gentle touch. Light fell over the floor, reaching toward the bed. Nym slept on, his brown curls draping over the pillow as if he were a prince in a fairy tale. His face looked peaceful, for once. There was no sign of the worry lines that always made him appear older. I crept backward, pulling the door shut without a sound.

  Matthew was next. My nephew slept in his crib, facing me. His breath came in soft, long sounds, and his mouth formed a perfect O. It struck me for the thousandth time how much he looked like Damon.

  It felt like I had stolen Nym’s ability to travel through time, and I was now standing in the doorway of my baby brother’s room. Checking on him as I always did, because I’d made a promise.

  Feeling a rush of protectiveness, I stepped back and closed that door, too. On my way back to the kitchen, I paused to listen for any sounds from outside, but Damon and Savannah were either keeping their voices down or finished with their conversation. Finn appeared to be asleep—his eyes were squeezed shut and the glow of the fire shone around him like a burnt silhouette. He yelped, over and over, but it was more with his body than his mouth. His big paws twitched.

  Smiling faintly, I sat in one of the stools. I pulled out my phone to respond to some texts. It was so late, but I wanted to stay awake for Damon. As I started typing a message to Bea, my gaze flicked toward the clock over the stove. That was when I noticed the teddy bear on the counter—it must’ve been a gift from Savannah. I didn’t recognize it. I also noticed the bottle of wine Damon and Danny must’ve taken off the wine rack and opened for dinner. Picking it up, I glanced at the alcohol content and made a surprised sound. Fifteen percent. Not bad.

  Slowly, I put the wine back. Even more slowly, I returned my gaze to the screen in front of me. I mentally recited a list of reasons why I couldn’t remove the cork from that bottle and pour myself a glass.

  Damon came upstairs a few minutes later.

  Relieved, I put my phone down and turned toward him. He placed the baby monitor on the countertop and sat, rubbing his face. Damon’s voice was muffled when he said, “I’ve never felt like this before.”

  Compassion panged in my chest. I shifted, moving closer, and rested my head on his shoulder. “I think you’ve discovered your worst fear, little brother,” I murmured.

  He made a soft sound, not quite a laugh, not quite a sigh. “It’s my job to protect him, isn’t it? But it doesn’t feel right, keeping a mother from her son. Then I remember Fred. I see the moment he…”

  His jaw worked, and suddenly I could see that moment, too. I blinked it away, along with the sound of Fred’s scream. Damon had gone still beside me, radiating fear and pain. I frantically tried to think of how to help. Life would be so much easier if it were as black and white as the humans believed. But the truth was, life was covered in shades of gray.

  Because I didn’t know what else to say, I gave Damon the words that had meant so much to me when nothing in my world had made sense: “I’m here.”

  I shifted again, giving him a sideways hug. We stayed like that for a minute or two, our temples pressed together, his breathing a soft sound in my ear. The stillness ended when the baby monitor crackled. There was the soft sound of rustling sheets. Damon straightened, rubbing his eyes. “I better check on him,” he said.

  I flashed a sympathetic smile. “Do you want me to come with you?”

  “No.” Damon picked up the monitor and stood. “You’ve been through enough.”

  “So have you,” I countered.

  The monitor had gone quiet again. For a moment, neither of us moved or spoke. Slowly, Damon eased back onto the stool. When more seconds passed and it became clear Matthew had fallen back asleep, he relaxed. Then his eyes fell upon the teddy bear—the one Savannah had brought—and his mouth tightened. I knew he was thinking about the confrontation with her again.

  “I tell myself that everything will be okay, and then I remember how much went wrong for our parents,” Damon said, his voice soft, “They probably told themselves the same thing. And I’m so much weaker than they were.”

  He wasn’t just talking about tonight’s visit from Savannah; I could hear Jassin’s shadow in my brother’s voice now. Suddenly I had an urge to grab that bottle and pour out two drinks. I rested my temple against my fist, hiding the wine from view.

  “Are you kidding?” I demanded. “The fact that you’re standing next to me right now is proof of how strong you are.”

  Damon made a soft sound of doubt. “I don’t feel strong.”

  “Want to know a secret? Neither do I.” I gave him a bittersweet smile. A brief pause fell between us, and I used it to gather the nerve for what I was about to say. “Would you do it all over again? Get in my car the day I turned eighteen?”

  It was a question that had haunted me for years. For a moment, my brother just looked at me. Really looked at me, the way he had before that evil bastard kidnapped him. Then Damon said, as if it were so simple, “We made a promise.”

  I blinked rapidly, but the countertop blurred anyway. I moved to leave the stool, clearing my throat. “I’m going to get ready for bed. Let me know if you need anything,” I said with a tremulous smile. “And try not to worry. We’re going to figure this out. Promise.”

  As I stood, I felt that unmistakable sensation of something inside me coming loose. An instant later, my underwear was slightly damp. Realization raced through me and sent my pulse into a frenzy.

  I’d gotten my period.

  Part of me really had believed the pregnancy tests were wrong. I gripped the edge of the counter, staring at the cupboards without seeing them. Damon was looking at me with alarm now. “Fortuna? Are you okay?”

  I’m not pregnant. The thought was like a bell. It clanged, then faded away. Just when I thought it was gone, it came back. I’m not pregnant.

  Why did it feel as if I’d lost something? I remembered Collith’s remark outside the club. You seem disappointed.

  Without warning, the face of that rosy-cheeked baby loomed in my mind’s eye. I made a strange sound, so faint Damon didn’t hear it. Something halfway between a sob and a sigh. “Yeah, fine,” I said finally. “Sorry. Just got a cramp.”

  The baby monitor went off before Damon could respond. He pushed to his feet, moving as if he were a hundred years old. I pushed my stool beneath the counter, which drew my gaze toward that bottle again. It glinted from the lights hanging over the island.

  Why not? I thought. I succumbed to the impulse to wrap my hand around its glass neck. “Mind if I finish this off?”

  “Yes. I can’t watch you do this to yourself again,” Damon muttered.

  I kissed his cheek. “Then look the other way. Love you.”

  I took the bottle with me into the bedroom and closed the door.

  * * *

  The next time I opened my eyes, and the lines of the alarm clock became solid, the numbers said it was past four o’clock in the afternoon. I’d slept another day away.

  I sat up without thinking, and I was instantly reminded why I didn’t like to drink—pain hammered at my temples like there were small, invisible creatures swinging mallets at them. Groaning, I forced myself into a vertical position and went in search of something that would make me feel better, pocketing my phone as I went.

  Finn was in his usual spot in front of the fireplace. The second my bedroom door opened, he lifted his head and gave me an assessing look. I yawned as I lumbered past him and Matthew, who was rolling a plastic train across the floor. “I’m fine, Finn. I just need some coffee,” I mumbled.

  Damon looked up from the book in his hands. It must’ve still been the weekend, because he sat on the couch, wearing jeans and his favorite gray hoodie. An empty plate rested on the side table next to him. Damon didn’t seem to be aware of the worry tinging his smile. “Good morning, sister of mine. Or should I say, good afternoon? There’s half a pot of coffee over there. I just made it a couple hours ago.”

  Giving him a feeble smile of thanks, I made my way over to the kitchen. “Where is Emma?”

  “She went to Denver for the day. Visiting some friends, I think.”

  “Oh, good. I’m glad she’s having fun.” I pressed my hand against my forehead, then reached for a clean coffee mug.

  “Danny should be here any second. It isn’t quite Matthew’s bedtime yet, so we thought we’d watch a movie.” Damon paused. “Do you want to join us?”

  In response to this, I finished pouring my coffee, walked across the room, and sank onto the couch beside my brother. He smiled and went back to his book. I pulled out my phone and responded to messages from Maureen, Bea, and, of all people, Viessa. I also sent a text to Lyari, trying to disguise the fact that I was checking on her. She’d probably consider it an insult, somehow.

  A few minutes later, the door to the loft opened. Danny walked inside first, followed by a thin figure with a shock of bleached hair. While the deputy hung his coat, Gil and I locked eyes, and we were instantly grinning.

  “Found this one on the road,” Danny remarked, striding toward the couch. He bent and gave Damon a gentle kiss, bringing a rush of cold with him.

  The vampire dropped onto the cushion next to me. He didn’t seem to notice that he’d sat right on one of Matthew’s toys. “Well, I don’t have a car, do I?” Gil groused. “And there’s no such thing as Uber in this godforsaken town.”

  “You just can’t stay away, can you?” I teased.

  He’d finally noticed the toy. Gil twisted around, searching for it. His shoulder brushed mine. The instant our bodies made contact, I saw some of the tension visibly leave him. It was the bond, I realized, watching the lines of his face relax, too. The bond made it difficult to have distance between us. Days ago, Gil had felt nothing for me, a complete stranger. Now, regardless of how he probably wanted to feel, he was most at ease whenever we were together.

 

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