Salvaging love, p.16
Salvaging Love, page 16
“I can’t do that life, your…life… New York… I don’t belong there.”
“My life? What is that supposed to mean?”
“All the pomp and expensive stuff, people with more wealth than they know what to do with. I don’t need a servant to help me find a dress,” she spit out. “I left that life a long time ago. And I’m never going back.”
“Never took you for a snob.” The words were out before he could stop them, and her shoulders flinched. Good. Fucking show emotion. Jesus Christ, what? “I’m sorry,” he said and rubbed his eyes. “I didn’t mean that, but I have no clue what is happening.”
This was a side of her he’d never seen, except maybe a glimpse that night when they were dancing, and he’d called her ‘easy.’ Something was seriously wrong.
He studied her pale face and her blank eyes. She was full of fear, but he didn’t know why. “Ellie, Jesus. Please don’t hide from me. Whatever is hurting you, whatever is in New York that you’re afraid of, let me help you. I will do anything for you.”
She hung her head over her knees, and he knew she was lying when she said, “I’m not afraid.”
“Bull,” he said.
“Quit swearing at me,” she cried.
“I’m sorry.” He tried to steady himself. “I’m trying to figure out what the hell happened to the bliss we had, why you’re shoving me away.” He went from pissed off to begging.
“Not every moment is bliss,” she whispered.
“I know, darlin’. Pretty certain we’ve both had our fair share of crap. But, when you’re in a relationship that matters, you talk and lean on each other.”
“You don’t want to know,” she yelled.
She’s fucking petrified. “Yes, I do. I want to know everything about you! I want you by my side. I can help you. Let me help you. I want everything with you.”
“You don’t.” She shook her head and looked everywhere but at him. Her face was rigid, void of emotion. She’d shut down.
“I’ve never wanted anything more, El.”
“Fine… I don’t. I don’t want what you want…and, and I can’t go to New York.”
“Can’t or won’t?” he snapped. He lost it. She was lying and nothing he said made a difference. And the metal clamps around his chest squeezed tighter while someone slammed his head into the concrete.
“Don’t make this harder, Jackson, please.”
“Hard?” he rasped out. “Sorry, I invite you on a vacation and you decide to end this?”
She blinked and her eyes filled with tears. “Don’t do that, don’t throw your money at me. That’s exactly what—”
“You’re the one using money as an excuse to hide behind whatever’s scaring you enough to break up with me.”
Silence. And he realized that was worse than the garbage spewing from her mouth. He waited for her to speak, to contradict him. When she said nothing in return, his heart fell. Maybe she needed time. If he gave it to her, would she ever decide to trust him? He had to get out of there, before he did something he’d regret. Maybe he was having a heart attack. Fuck, even that was preferable to how he felt right now, his insides being torn apart. He forced himself to walk toward the door.
Taking one more chance before he left, he said, “You’re wrong. That life you think I live, that pomp and whatever you have going on in your head means nothing to me. You, you are my life, Ellie. You’re what matters. You opened the world up to me with your warmth and goodness. And I invited you to New York… I thought… I wanted you by my side at a fundraiser I started in my mother’s name. I need you too, Ellie.”
“What?” She snapped her head in his direction. And the tears were the last thing he saw, because he couldn’t stay and listen to her shut him out. Instead, he walked away with the shattered pieces of his heart littered behind him.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
For four nights, Ellie slept on the cot in her office. Well, sleep was a lie. She crawled into her sleeping bag each night with Buffy on the floor by her side and Chewie tucked into a ball on her feet and tried to get warm. But sleep never came, and her body stayed cold. Instead, the horror movie of her breaking up with Jackson and him walking away played in a loop in her brain whether she closed or opened her eyes. The words she’d thrown at him, the ones he’d shot back. You are my life. You are my life.
The days were no better. She tried to use work to shut out the assault, but it was useless. Could a person call the agony of getting through the days better?
It was a good thing most of her exams were routine this week, because she was a zombie getting by on coffee fumes. Exhaustion and pain ruled her. Nothing made sense. She had no home. She’d thought pushing Jackson away had been the right thing to do, but now the emptiness and loss ate at her.
She shut off her phone Saturday because Natalie and Ruby had called a million times. Ellie had nothing to say. How did one describe that pain? Wretched? There was no way to describe wretched, no fitting metaphor. Her insides were hollowed out and the headache behind her eyes throbbed constantly. Even her bones hurt, like a malignant tumor was sucking all the nutrients from them. But, worse, once she’d turned her phone back on, the swift kick to her gut every time she studied the screen hoping it was Jackson calling or texting. Nothing. She hadn’t heard from him since he had walked out. Not that she expected to, but she wanted.
Even though they weren’t meant to be together, even though she’d shoved him away and tried to make it about his money, she wanted him.
Too bad neither Nat nor Ruby got the message that she didn’t want to talk because they tried to gang up on her Monday. But the waiting room demanded their attention when a few dogs started a fight with a hissing cat. By the time they’d separated the animals, cleaned up and sterilized the scratches on one of the dogs and tried to calm down the owners, Ruby had to get back to work and Ellie was behind on appointments. After Nat left that evening, Ellie felt relieved she didn’t have to face anyone who cared about her.
Being alone felt worse. Jackson was everywhere in her clinic. Images of him yelling at her that first night and Chewie peeing all over him greeted her every time she stepped foot in the front room. Her office, God. She tried to remember the feel of him holding her up against the wall while he pushed inside her and ravaged her body with his. She could still breathe in his smell—clean woodsy, sexy. It was last Friday night that burned into her mind, the anguish on his face.
He was everywhere she turned. Except he wasn’t. She’d cut him out. She’d thought she was doing the right thing, but she’d never felt so miserable in her entire life, not even after one of her mother’s rages. It felt like she’d cut a part of herself out and the bleeding wouldn’t stop.
By Tuesday, Natalie quit checking on her. In fact, she ignored Ellie, and with everything that had happened—even the words ‘You are my life’ broken-record repeating in her brain—Nat’s indifference was what made her want to cry.
Tuesday evening, Ellie walked aimlessly around her clinic. Natalie called her up to the front. Huh, she thought, wonder why she’s talking to me now?
“Someone’s out front with a dog they need your help with.”
“Oh.” Ellie zombie-walked outside. The exhaustion messed with her mind. Is that my dog in Ruby’s car? “What’s Buffy doing in—”
“Get in.” Natalie shoved Ellie into the backseat of Ruby’s car where Buffy relaxed on the seat.
“Hey! What the heck?” Ellie said, but the door was closed on her. Nat jumped in the passenger seat and Ruby took off. Buffy nuzzled her hand, begging for scrubs. Ellie rubbed the scruffy fur behind Buffy’s ears, still not comprehending anything.
“Buckle up. Chewie’s in the back in his crate. Matt and Rosie are working for you and you, lady, are coming to my house,” Nat said.
“Are you kidnapping me?”
“Let’s call it a love intervention,” Ruby said. “We’re your friends who love you. We think you got your heart broken. We’re intervening. One big fat love intervention all the way around.”
“If you want to call it kidnapping, that’s fine with me. Whatever gets through that stubborn head of yours,” Natalie said.
“I don’t understand,” Ellie said, still not caught up. “All day, Nat…” Ellie blinked back the tears. She would not cry. “All day you ignored me. I thought you were mad at me too.”
“I didn’t ignore you. You wouldn’t talk to me, and since Ruby and I had a plan, I wasn’t worried. We’re going to get you settled in my guest room and you, my friend, are going to talk. Don’t even think of telling us anything but the truth.”
“So, you’re not mad at me?” Ellie said.
“No, honey,” Nat said. “Worried.”
Buffy slumped her head down on Ellie’s lap and gave a loud sigh. Comforted by her precious dog, Ellie couldn’t hold back anymore. She bent over, tucked her head into the comforting fur of her first love and let the tears come. “I think… I’m pretty sure… I messed up,” she tried to say through the tears.
“Don’t worry. Ruby and I are here. You’re going let it all out and we’re going to take care of you. We’re going to fix that broken heart of yours.”
Ellie shoved her face in deeper and sobbed because she was pretty sure even her badass friends couldn’t fix what Ellie had broken.
Natalie was wrong. They didn’t get her settled and let her pour her heart out, at least not immediately. When they got to Natalie’s house, her daughters rushed Ellie and Ruby for hugs and had a million questions. Why was Ellie crying? How did Ruby get her eyelids to sparkle? Could they adopt Buffy and Chewie? And, if not, could they get a puppy of their own? Ellie went from crying to laughing in a matter of minutes. Not only at the silly cuteness of Natalie’s six-year-old and eight-year-old daughters, but Gage Kovacs stood in the kitchen wearing Natalie’s floral apron cooking. Aromas of tomato and garlic filtered to Ellie’s nose and her stomach grumbled, reminding her she hadn’t eaten in days, other than coffee and crappy power bars that tasted more like cardboard.
“I see you were successful,” he said, snaking an arm around Natalie and bending her over in a movie-worthy kiss.
“I think she was too exhausted to put up a fight. But Ruby and I do good work,” Natalie said when he let her go and pulled out a stool at the island for her.
“Ladies,” he said. “Come sit, I have wine for you. Lasagna’s almost done.”
“I never turn down a glass of wine,” Ruby said.
“Hey, darlin’,” Gage said to Ellie. He gave her a bear hug and guided her to the middle stool. “My cooking’s good enough to fix whatever is wrong.”
“I’m not sure anything can fix this,” Ellie said.
“That’s where you’re wrong. As long as that man of yours isn’t dead or stupid, we have a chance. And I know for a fact he’s not either.”
After two helpings of lasagna, more wine, salad and chocolate lava cake for dessert, Ellie almost felt better. A good food coma could do that to a person, temporarily. Then Ruby filled the tub in the guest room, added a bubble bath and exotic oil combination and forced Ellie to soak. When she climbed out, there was a beautiful pair of cotton pajamas waiting for her. When she stepped into the bedroom, Natalie and Ruby pounced and dragged her to the bed. Oh, wow, is this bed comfy.
Nat and Ruby pulled the covers over her and formed a warm snuggle cocoon.
“I don’t know what magic you put in that bath, Ruby, but it was awesome. And, Natalie, thank you for the PJs,” Ellie said.
Natalie shooed her words away. “Quit procrastinating and tell us everything that happened, El.”
Cuddled in a warm bed, full from a delicious dinner and a tiny bit tipsy on wine, Ellie thought she’d rather drift off to sleep.
“Jackson won’t talk to us either. We know something happened,” Ruby said.
Ellie sat up. “You talked to him?” She pulled the fluffy comforter up to her chin.
“No, honey. He won’t talk to anyone. Even Connor doesn’t know what happened. He was supposed to go to Connor’s for dinner last night but left a message and said he had to work late.”
Ugh. She was supposed to go with him to that dinner. Ellie had forgotten about it. “You talked to Connor?”
Natalie gave her a stern glare. “Yes. We’re all worried about both of you. Now talk. We know you freaked out because he invited you to go to New York. Why was that bad enough to have you breaking up with him or him breaking up with you?”
Ellie closed her eyes and whispered, “I think I’m the one who broke up with him.”
“You think?” Ruby said.
“I didn’t argue when he yelled, ‘You’re the one using money as an excuse to hide behind whatever’s scaring you enough to break up with me.’”
Ellie could hear and feel the collective gasp of her friends. She pulled the blanket over her head. Thinking back on that moment made all the wine she’d had tonight rush right to her head.
“What?” Ruby said.
“I did that. I… He… I told him I couldn’t live that kind of life with that kind of wealth… I was a total bitch.”
There was silence and when she peeked, both her friends were staring at her as if she’d grown a bright pink unicorn horn out of her head.
“Ellie.” Natalie pulled the blanket down. “I think you need to start at the beginning and explain. Start with New York. What’s in New York that scares you?”
Ellie took a deep breath. Then another. She didn’t know how to talk about it. It hurt too much. But right now, the pain of shoving Jackson away, the wretchedness of it all felt worse than what she’d endured as a child. So she let it pour out of her. “My monster of a mother and a lifetime of her telling me I was ugly and irritating, or ignoring me, and…” Ellie paused and tried to calm her breathing before she whispered the last. “She also hit me.”
Ruby gripped her hand tight.
“What?” Natalie practically screeched.
“You two, you grew up being loved. I didn’t. I grew up with people trying to beat me down every step I took.”
“Ellie,” Natalie breathed. “No.”
“I left the day I graduated from high school. I took all the money out of my account, bought a used car, packed a few bags, headed west and drove for days until I ended up here in Opal, about as far away from New York as I could get without falling in the ocean. I enrolled in the university, met the Heelys who helped me. And I started finding my way. I put New York and that entire part of my life behind me and I can’t ever go back.”
“I still don’t understand,” Ruby said. “Did you tell Jackson this? Did you explain why you couldn’t go to New York?”
Ellie shook her head.
“Why not?” Natalie yelled, and Ellie flinched.
“Talk about it? No way. I can’t. I…I’ve never told a soul what my mom did to me. She was, maybe still is a wealthy, famous model. I can’t tell anyone, especially not Jackson.” She covered her face and whispered, “She hurt me, emotionally, physically.” It felt like knives scraped the fine cells of her heart. “I shouldn’t even be telling you two. And Jackson, he wants to take me back into that life, and I can’t.”
“Okay, honey,” Nat said. “There’s a lot going on with everything you said. Let’s break it down. I’m going to start with this— That man would never hurt you. He is not like your mother. You were abused by her. You survived, but haven’t ever spoken about it to anyone. Not to your best friends, not a therapist or the man who is head-over-heels in love with you. You have lived through some serious shit and have never worked through it. I think him inviting you to New York triggered all this and you pushed him away.”
“Like a volcano that lies dormant for years before it finally erupts,” Ruby said.
“What?” Ellie asked Ruby, then looked to Nat. “He’s in love with me? No… How could… Neither of my parents wanted me. How could he?” Her tongue dragged through her dry mouth, her head hurt, and she was tired, so tired of not feeling good enough.
“It’s obvious how much he cares for you. And just because two idiots didn’t love and take care of you the way parents are supposed to doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. We love you. Don’t you know that? I tell you all the damn time!”
“Yes,” she admitted and felt embarrassed that they had to ask her. She did know it, and she loved them back. They were the best friends a girl could find.
“And you can’t bury stuff that shitty. It’s unhealthy. I’m surprised you haven’t fallen apart before this.”
“I’ve been having these ridiculous panic attacks,” she admitted.
“They’re not ridiculous. Your body is trying to protect itself. But sometimes we need help to get through stuff like this, Ellie. I don’t know anyone who could go through all that, bury it deep in the darkness and come out unscarred on the other side. It seems like being with Jackson has triggered your past trauma and this is your body’s way of reacting. But you can’t keep it hidden. It’s going to get worse if you don’t deal with it, honey.”
Ellie leaned back into the fluffy pillows and took a deep breath. Natalie was right. Jackson would never hurt her. She felt it deep in her tired, aching bones. Her heart beat for him, her world brightened into gorgeousness when he was in it. She didn’t know how she could have messed up so spectacularly.
“You’re still afraid of her, aren’t you?” Ruby asked gently.
Ellie burst out crying, because that was the truth and she didn’t know what to do with that knowledge. “I’m stupid and afraid. Jackson was trying to do something nice for me, and I freaked out and lied and told him I didn’t want him, didn’t want his money. I’m scared of ending up back in that place, where she can still hurt me. And I screwed everything up, because I do want Jackson. I want to be with him. I want a life with him. Having it for these past few weeks, then being without, well I think living without him is the scariest thing of all.”
Ruby and Nat wrapped her up in a huge hug and let her cry it out.
