Lost, p.15
Lost, page 15
“May we?” he asked the doctor.
“Very well,” Doctor Martin said. “If you’ll please follow me.”
Lysander was silent as they walked, his jaw set and his eyes refusing to meet anybody’s gaze. He didn’t comment as they took the lift down to the basement level; he said nothing as Doctor Martin led them down a couple of cold, deserted corridors. There were no windows down here, but the sounds of people working in a kitchen echoed from not too far away. They were headed in the opposite direction. Towards a part of the hospital where there was nothing but the low hum of electricity.
The morgue was quiet and cold. Doctor Martin led them through an unmarked door, where the lone coroner looked up, and Zack found his wife suddenly closer to his side. He wrapped an arm around her waist for support. She hated places like this, he knew. But he also knew that she would never wait outside, even if he asked her to. If there was even the slightest possibility that he was going to need her, she would be there. And he was definitely going to need her.
Everything happened quickly after that.
The coroner opened one of the coolers and pulled the tray out, throwing the sheet back to reveal the girl’s face only after he had been given the okay nod from Zack and Doctor Martin. Lysander stepped forward.
Zack didn’t need to wait for his son’s confirmation to know. This was Dakota. There was no doubt about it.
She was pale and gaunt and her lips had already turned blue, but he still recognised her from the photos. Her dark hair was a mess, but it was still hers. Her eyes were closed, but he knew that behind her lids they would still be the same steel blue as Lysander’s. He longed for her to open them so that he could see them for himself. Just once.
Lysander reached out to her, and jerked back immediately with a gasp.
“Cold,” he breathed. “She’s so cold.”
Zack had seen the boy cry for his mother, but it was nothing compared to this.
Lysander’s knees gave out from beneath him and he sank to the floor. At first Zack thought the boy had passed out, but he was upright as he began to sob uncontrollably, his shoulders shaking. Georgia went to him immediately, pulling him into her arms and telling him again and again that everything was going to be all right, that everything would be okay.
This had been a wrong decision. He should not have allowed his son to see this. Having absolute, without a doubt confirmation that Dakota was dead was like a kick in the gut to him, and he hadn’t even known the girl. So what must it be like for Lysander? As if losing his mother hadn’t been bad enough, now he had lost his sister. His twin. This would absolutely destroy him.
And it shamed Zack immensely to admit that he didn’t know what to do.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
People often said that twins had some sort of psychic link that connected them, no matter the distance. Lysander didn’t believe it — not because he didn’t want to, but because he had never experienced it for himself. Maybe it was different for identical twins, but he doubted it. Such a thing was foolish.
But he had always believed that should anything happen to his twin, he would know. He had always believed that should Dakota die, he would feel it.
But he’d felt nothing.
No ache in his heart; no empty space in his chest. At least, that had been the case until he’d seen her lying there, cold and lifeless. Then it was like somebody had punched him, shattering whatever it was that had been holding him together since his mother had passed. He had felt it then — that feeling that somebody had reached in and ripped his heart out. Though there hadn’t been any more tears since the moment he’d seen her, his eyes still ached and never wanted to stay open for long.
He couldn’t think straight. He could barely function at all. He knew Zack and Georgia were both growing worried, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. All he could do was lie on Dakota’s old bed with her iPod clenched tightly in his hands, waiting for her to burst through the door and tell him to get the hell out of her room. But she never did. He knew she never would.
He sank deeper into his despair.
Despite Mrs. Corte offering to make them reservations at a local hotel, Zack and Georgia chose to remain in the house with Lysander. At first he had wanted to argue, wanted them to leave so he could be alone in this space he’d shared with his mother and sister, but he hadn’t had the strength to push them away. He was thankful that they had at least chosen to sleep in the living room, leaving his mother’s room exactly as it had been the day that she’d died.
The day of the funeral was the worst.
Zack and Georgia were both dressed appropriately. Lysander had wondered where their outfits had come from, but the answer had come soon enough: Zack’s band and their wives were in Columbus to show their support. His heart had shattered more at the sight of them. He appreciated that even though they hadn’t known Dakota in life, they were willing to drop everything to attend her funeral. He was sorry that she had never managed to meet them in person, but one of her goals had been accomplished at least: they knew of her. They would always remember her name.
It was almost half-past nine before Zack managed to coax Lysander out of his sister’s room that morning. It was time to go.
The ceremony was being held at the same place as his mother’s, a quaint little funeral home on South Ludington Street. It was a beautiful, two-storey sandstone building that, under any other circumstances, Lysander would have enjoyed the sight off. But knowing what waited inside made him uncomfortable. He would have given anything not to have to be here again. He did not want to be showered with sympathies; he didn’t want to face his lifeless sister again. He took a deep breath and braced himself.
When he stepped inside, a plethora of familiar faces greeted him. There was Zack’s band and their wives, all dressed in mourning black and gathered on one side of the room. They each fell silent as Zack, Georgia and Lysander entered, and Lysander dreaded the moment when he would reach them. But they were gentle when he did. Instead of the typical “I’m sorry about your loss” or “I’m here if you need anything” lines he’d been dreading, he got “It’s good to see you again, kid” and “It hasn’t been the same without you around.”
Without him needing to say anything, they already knew what he didn’t want to hear. He stood by his father’s side, tuned out of the conversations that the man and his wife so easily fell into, and tried to ignore the way that Zack kept shooting him worried looks. As if he suspected Lysander might break down at any moment.
Lysander would have liked to. It would have been nice to cry, to release all of the pain he was feeling, but his tears did not want to fall. He had tried to force them at night while the adults slept, repeating over and over in his head Dakota is dead, Dakota is dead, but it hadn’t done him any good. All it had achieved was making him feel sick. He knew he was still in his own personal state of denial, just as he had been after his mother. But he wanted to snap out of it. Anything was better than this pain, even if it meant accepting the truth.
Not that he wanted to do that, either.
He looked around the room at all the other faces. There were some of his old school teachers and several of his former classmates; there were his old neighbours, Mr. and Mrs. Todd. There was Jennifer Kore, the woman who had babysat them when they were still too young to fend for themselves. And there was Michael Handman, Dakota’s old piano teacher. Of course they would all be here. Their community was a small one and everybody had known Dakota. Everybody had loved her.
And then he saw them.
He’d missed them first because there had been others standing in the way, but he couldn’t have missed them now. There was Phillip Leena, dark hair as flat and dull as ever. There were Mason Abel and Amanda Ridgeback, hand-in-hand and her with her head on his shoulder. There was Dakota’s best friend, Katrina Reed, and there was Kieran with his arm wrapped around her for comfort. They all looked the same as ever, despite their tired eyes and black attire. They were talking quietly amongst themselves, and it was as if an invisible bubble surrounded them, keeping out the rest of the world. He hadn’t realised just how much he had missed them all until they were right there, but he felt it now. His chest ached. He should have been in that bubble. Dakota should have, too.
As if he could feel Lysander’s eyes on him, Kieran looked up and met his gaze from across the room.
And that was all it took.
Lysander’s feet were carrying him toward the group before he’d even realised he was moving. He weaved his way through clusters of people, ignoring those who tried to stop him to offer their condolences, and made his way to his best friend almost desperately. Kieran was moving too, coming toward him quickly — two magnets being pulled together.
And then they were joined, embracing like brothers. For the longest time they didn’t say anything — they didn’t need to. They simply stood there, Kieran practically holding Lysander up, as the world around them blurred. Nothing short of having his sister back was going to make things better for Lysander, but having his best friend with him was a good start. He could breathe again.
“Man,” Kieran said as they pulled apart, “it is so good to see you.”
“You, too,” Lysander said in earnest. “You have no idea...”
“Ly!”
He didn’t have time to look at her before he was being engulfed by Katrina, her arms coming around him tightly as she buried her face into his suit jacket. He held her tightly as she cried for what he knew was probably the hundredth time, tears for the girl who had been her sister as much as his.
“It’s okay, Kat,” he murmured into her hair. “I’m here...”
He could see Katrina’s parents not too far from where they stood, both of them watching their daughter with concerned expressions. They looked to him with sympathy, just like everybody else was now they knew he was there. All eyes had turned their way, and the weight of all those stares settled on his shoulders. He shifted uncomfortably under their watchful, pitiful eyes, wishing that he could disappear. Why couldn’t everybody be staring at the band instead? Surely five rockstars should stand out more than a freshly twinless teenage boy.
He focused on his friends instead: on Katrina’s dark, braided hair; on the warm brown of Kieran’s eyes as he offered Lysander a helpless smile. It felt great to be back with them. They’d practically lived at Lysander and Dakota’s house for years, were his siblings as much as Dakota had been, and he’d missed them. He let out a shuddering breath.
Katrina sniffled and drew back, swiping tears from her eyes quickly. Her fingers came away blackened with mascara, and Lysander knew he’d be hearing about that in three…two…
“You got tanned,” she said instead.
Lysander looked at his hands. He hadn’t noticed anything during his time in California, but standing next to Kieran and Katrina it was obvious. He’d definitely developed a more golden tone to his skin. Sun-kissed and full of life. The complete opposite of the sister he was about to put in the ground.
There wasn’t much time for them to talk before it was signalled that the ceremony was going to begin. Katrina gave him a sad smile as she stepped away, wiping more tears from her cheeks as she made a beeline for her parents. Lysander returned to his designated seat by Zack, Kieran remaining by his side without Lysander needing to ask. Then it was just a matter of waiting for the rest of the room to be seated before things officially began.
Lysander wasn’t aware of the woman addressing those gathered. His gaze had wandered first to the smiling image of Dakota not four feet in front of him, and then to the casket that was directly behind it. It was a beautiful thing of painted white wood with gold trimmings. It was closed, but that didn’t change the fact that she was in there: her lips blue, her body cold. For a moment he feared he might be sick.
When he next tuned in to what was going on around him, it was just in time to see Katrina making her way up to the front of the room. Of course. The time had come for people to talk about her. Katrina would be first. Then Zack, though he had not known her. And after that Lysander was expected to say a thing or two, though he hadn’t the faintest clue what. He had figured it would all come to him when the time was right. But so far, he was still as lost as he had been the moment that they’d asked him if he wanted to do it.
He looked to Katrina. Second to Lysander, she had known Dakota better than anybody. The two of them had been best friends since they were toddlers, inseparable as conjoined twins. It killed Lysander to know that Katrina was hurting just as much as he was. But still she managed to get up in front of the crowd, looking strong and determined despite the redness of her eyes.
“Well,” she started, looking unsure of herself, “if you knew Dakota then you already know who I am. For those who don’t, I’m Katrina Reed, and Dakota was my best friend. Um...” She licked her lips, and he could see it in her tear-filled eyes that she was trying to find the right words to say what needed to be said. “What can I say? Koty was the greatest person I ever knew. She was the sort of girl who lit up any room that she walked into, because she was always happy and everybody loved her.
“What some of you might not know is how brave she was. She was never afraid to do what she thought was right, even if it meant she was going to get into trouble for it. I remember when we were on our first dates — it was a double date, with Francis Griel and Marcus Woods — we went to this beautiful little restaurant in Madison. We were the youngest people there by far, but we didn’t care. Anyway, we were about halfway through dinner when we heard this yelling start up. There’s a man yelling at these two other guys who are out on a date, yelling at them because they’re gay and he thinks it’s disgusting and they should go and kill themselves.” A small smile made its way across Katrina’s lips as she told the crowd, “Dakota walked right on over there and smacked the guy across the face.”
This earned some chuckles from the crowd. Lysander remembered Dakota coming home that night, not gushing about her first date but telling him and their mother all about the ignorant man who’d been so stunned that he’d left without a word. The two men whose evening she had saved had not been able to thank her enough. Lysander was only sorry that he hadn’t been there to see it.
“And she was passionate,” Katrina went on. “So, so passionate about the things that she loved. She loved helping people, just like her mom, so she wanted to be a nurse. But she also wanted to be a great musician, like her father.” Here she stopped, focusing her attention solely on Zack. “She would have been thrilled that you’re here now. And she would have been grateful for all of your help. We all are. If not for you, she’d probably still be out there somewhere, and that would suck. At least now she’s home. So thank you for all of your help.”
It couldn’t be denied that Zack had been a great help. It had been one of the band’s fans that had found Dakota in that gutter, one of the fans that had been able to tell doctors exactly who she was and who they needed to contact. And although they had arrived just that little too late, Lysander was still grateful. He only wished she could have woken long enough to know.
It was Zack’s turn to speak after an emotional Katrina returned to her seat between her parents. For all the time that he had spent on stage, Lysander figured his father would have found it easy enough to get up in front of all these strangers. But Zack looked uncomfortable. Still, his voice was steady when he spoke.
“When the new year kicked in,” he told them, “I was a happily married man living with my wife and two dogs, taking a break before my band had to get back to work. I had no idea that I was a father, and if anybody had tried to tell me I was, I probably would have laughed at them. I did laugh when my lawyer first told me. But then I panicked. I was told that I had two days to prepare before I would have a son in my life, and I didn’t know where to start.
“But when I first met Lysander, everything changed. I don’t know what I was expecting from him, but I think a small part of me had been hoping that he was just somebody looking for money or fame, because that would have been easy to make go away. But he wasn’t. He was a boy who had come to me for help in a moment of desperation because he felt like nobody else was listening.
“It’s only through him that I ever got to know Dakota. He told me stories about all the trouble that they used to get into together and showed me some of the things that she had posted online — videos of her singing and playing the piano, and little stories she wrote about her dreams of finally meeting my band and myself. Only through him have I ever been able to learn what she was like: independent and strong-willed, smart, and so full of life.
“I’m sorry that we never got to meet in person. I would have liked to get to know her for myself and it would have been nice to have my family completed. Instead she was taken from us too soon. Although I never got to meet her, I feel that loss all the same.
“And I want to thank you all,” he added, “for being a part of Dakota’s life and for being here today. It’s amazing to be able to see how many lives she touched and how many people truly cared for her. Thank you for showing me just how special she truly was.”
He stepped down, and a sinking feeling started in Lysander’s stomach. He’d been so intent on listening to Katrina and Zack speak that he’d failed to start mentally preparing for his own turn. And now it was here. People were waiting for him to get up. He swallowed hard; his mouth was dry.
“I can’t do this,” he said to Kieran.
The thought of getting up there was daunting. But what he hated more was that this was it — this was where he had to officially say goodbye to his sister. After this she would be in the ground. Out of his reach. Undeniably gone. And he wasn’t ready to let her go yet. He didn’t think he ever would be.
“Yes, you can,” Kieran said at once. That was how they worked — always pushing each other to do what needed to be done. “You’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t do this now.” He gave Lysander’s hand a squeeze. “Come on. I’ll stand with you. Be right there by your side.”
