Implicit, p.8
Implicit, page 8
I shake my head and remind myself why I can’t. Why it’s useless to even think about it.
“My mother and the staff would lose their home. My ancestral land. The tenants and farmers too. The family name would be ruined. Hundreds of years of nobility erased with one scandal. I’d be responsible for losing my family’s rightful heritage...It’s my obligation, as my father’s heir. The one thing I have to do. And the only reason I’m not in jail. I have to safeguard his legacy. This is what I was born to do. I won’t let him down now, Tobes.” I sigh.
“Maybe all I need is to sleep. And God knows I can’t do that with anyone else. Except maybe you. So, maybe Seth was right?” I laugh when he bumps me with his nose. Then I take a breath and pull my phone from my pocket. “I’m just going to try it. If it’s too hard, or it doesn’t work, I won’t go back. Okay?”
As Toby and I are walking past the stable block towards the paddock, the stable hand is heading in our direction. Toby tolerates her, but I wouldn’t say he likes the woman. She’s fairly new. There’s hope yet.
“Hi.” She smiles at me and quickly assesses Toby’s mood. She half reaches out to pat him but drops her hand fast when he flicks his head. “Oh, have it your way, moody pants,” she chuckles. “Erm, Eliza? The relay team asked me if I thought you might like to join? Toby would be amazing, but he won’t let anyone else ride him.”
“You’re right. He would be. But I can’t. Thanks though.” I pat Toby’s neck. My boy is the fastest horse here by a mile.
“No worries. I said I didn’t think you would, but I’d ask.”
An hour after I left Toby to have a run in the paddock, I’m sitting in the shrink’s waiting room. Dr Nielsen had a cancellation and I decided... why not? The problem is, now that I’m here, I can think of a million bloody good reasons why not.
I look around the small room that’s starting to feel more and more like a holding cell, unable to stop my foot from tapping. My attention hops around familiar artworks, and I’m intrigued by some new pieces I haven’t come across before. The doctor pops her head around the door and smiles at me to come in. The urge to run is so strong I stay sitting for several more seconds, in case my feet take off without permission. For the next hour, I’m Ellie Beaton. And she can do this.
“Evening, Ellie.” Dr Nielsen relaxes back in her armchair like it’s a throne, tugging her pencil skirt down to her knees, surrounded by fake pot plants. The wall behind her is plain, peppered with another smorgasbord of art choices. Mainly Nordic, I’m guessing. “Thank you for coming in this evening. I don’t often have cancellations,” she assures me with a warm smile.
“Hello.” I sit and place my bag at my feet, as a standing fan swings its head slowly from corner to corner, trying to blow some cool air into the converted townhouse. “I’m not so sure this was a good idea. For today anyway. I’m not feeling well.”
Her shrewd assessment slides over my features and settles on my white knuckles. “We’ll make it quick today, but there’s something I’d like to try. Just for a few minutes. If that’s all right with you?”
I swallow hard. I feel like she can read my mind and I definitely don’t like it. “What sort of thing?”
“Word association. I have a vague idea of what you’d like to achieve after our telephone conversation.”
“I’m really not feeling well. Maybe we could reschedule?”
“Ellie, all I need from you right now are a few words and that should help pave the way for the next appointment. Just a few minutes?”
I set my jaw and steel myself to concentrate and not blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.
“We’ll go with three words, for now.” Dr Nielsen nods as she speaks and looks me dead in the eye before delivering the first word. “Family.”
I blank my mind and will my expression to stay in neutral. “Duty.”
“Friends.”
Toby fills my mind. I can almost feel his soft coat. “Horses.”
“Sleep.”
My palms are suddenly damp, and I clasp my hands tighter. “Dangerous.”
“Can we try three more?”
“No. Thank you.”
“Let’s talk about those three then. Tell me about your family.”
“I don’t have a family. My father died when I was a baby and my mother remarried. I was sent to boarding school.”
“Is your mother still living?”
“As far as I know.” I look away and she changes course.
“What about your horse?”
A smile stretches my mouth as Toby trots around my brain. “He was a rescue. He’d been very badly treated. He’s still suspicious of humans in general, men in particular, but he and I understand each other: I give him apples and he listens when I... talk.”
“It sounds like he’s better at this than I am.” She chuckles when my eyebrows jump. “And the last one. Sleep. Why do you say it’s dangerous?”
“I... it’s the night terrors.”
“And that’s dangerous?”
“When they happen to me, they are.” She gazes back at me patiently. I swallow hard and squeeze my voice out past the knot in my throat. “I... act them out. Sometimes.”
“Do you have a partner?”
“No.”
“So, you’ve injured yourself then?”
“N... no. Not me.” My voice is barely a whisper. I can still feel his soft skin. His tiny fist clasped tightly around my finger. The smell of baby powder.
“You look exhausted.” Dr Nielsen’s words dispel the images in my mind.
“I am.” I half chuckle. “I always am. I think I should probably invest in coffee farming next.”
“Let’s start there. I want you to try something for me: sleep.”
A laugh bursts through my tight control, but the good doctor is unperturbed.
“Parasomnia, or night terrors, occur in deep wave sleep. So, I’d like you to try a varied sleep cycle to avoid them.”
I frown at my knees. Avoid them?
“What I’m suggesting is polyphasic sleep. Have you heard of it?” I shake my head, and she continues. “What I want you to do is schedule in six to eight thirty-minute naps per twenty-four-hour period. That should keep you out of N3, or deep wave sleep, and still allow you to get some rest. It’s not a permanent fix, but it’s a start.” She leans forward, her forearms resting on her thighs, catching my attention. “Right now, Ellie, I think our aim needs to be to get past the fear of falling asleep and then we can move forward.”
“And I won’t... have a...”
“No.” She shakes her head firmly, her blond bob swinging as she does. She looks so certain.
I’m unconvinced. But I don’t wish to sound rude, so I assure her that I’ll try it before I bid her goodbye and head for home. Until I realise I’ve missed half a day’s work and change direction for The Shard.
***
My second appointment is a week later, and this time, Dr Nielsen is not letting me off so easy. I can see it in the set of her mouth and the glint in her eye as I take the sofa opposite her throne. I’m going to have to talk. But carefully.
I’ve already assigned everyone an alias. Alex is Aled, Seth is Sven, and Ru is Stu.
“How have you been since we last spoke, Ellie?” She smiles and her head tilts slightly, as though she’s actually interested in the answer.
And before I know it, I’ve told her everything that has been going through my head. “Stu... is my oldest friend. My only human friend. But it’s hard, seeing him again after so long. He’s still on speaking terms with my family. More than speaking terms. He visits regularly.”
“And how do you feel about that?”
“Like... I want to go with him.” I drop my eyes and fiddle with the leather strap of my bag.
“Because you want to see your family or because you want to be with him?”
I look up at her sharply. I hadn’t thought about it like that. But when no answer is forthcoming, she switches track.
“What about work?”
“Work... is the best it’s ever been. I’m working with a new guy, Sven, to get investors for a product the company has just taken on and get it to market. He’s... a breath of fresh air. So different from anyone else I know.”
Dr Nielsen smiles softly as I jabber on, nodding and watching, until our time is up and I need to get back to work.
Several hours later, I’m watching people scurry about like ants on the pavement below, thinking about how nice it is to be able to talk to someone, even when they’re paid by the hour, as Seth clears a space on the desk and my attention gets diverted when he reaches across for a sheet of paper, the muscles and tendons of his forearm dancing together under his skin.
“So...” Concentration scores his brow as he speaks, the air-conditioning playing through his hair as day turns to night outside our window. “You’re saying... yes, take the luxury products, dream destinations, but bring them to the people who can’t afford to go in real life?” He glances up, his eyes dark and serious. I nod and he returns it. “But how is that of benefit to the brands? Is it not devaluing the product?”
“Potentially, I suppose. We’d need to research it carefully. Pick the target audience with care. The price point would have to be right. I can’t imagine Rolls-Royce wanting a virtual joy ride in a Phantom around a local authority housing estate in the press.”
“No... but...” Seth continues, reaching for something else. “These brands are aspirational, right?” I nod, watching his expression. I like serious Seth. I like the way his brain works. He scribbles something down. “So... maybe it’s more like an experience than a taster... d’ya know what I mean?”
“I think I understand.”
His head snaps up. “I didn’t mean...” He pauses and swallows in a gulp. The heat in his eyes has nothing to do with the product we’re supposed to be discussing.
“I know what you mean.”
His attention drops to my mouth and I lick my lips unconsciously, unable to take my measly half breath as I watch his mouth part. The tension spikes, and I tear my eyes from him and glance at the time. “Maybe we should take a break?” I could do with some air.
Seth looks at the time too. “Whoa! I didn’t realise it was so late.”
Seth
“Hey. Are you sure you want to work on this now? You look tired.” I walk across Eliza’s office in the twilight, London twinkling like a movie scene behind her, and sit in the chair opposite hers.
“We need to get it done.” I can hear the fatigue in her voice. Her movements are slow and laboured.
“I can keep working on it.” My attention slides over her face, the dark smudges under her slightly puffy eyes, and her too-pale skin. “Please. Go get some sleep and you can tell me what I’ve done wrong in the morning.”
“You know me so well already.” She laughs but it quickly turns into a stifled yawn.
I nod, decision made. “See you tomorrow. Hey, do I need to lock up or anything?” I glance around as I realise most people have either left or are heading home.
“No. Security will handle everything.”
“Got it.” I press the lid of her laptop down with one finger and she frowns briefly, as though unsure how it happened. I take the computer, slide it into her bag, and offer it to her as she stands. “Are you sure you’ll be all right getting home by yourself?”
“Of course,” she says and wobbles on her heels.
“I’ll call down. See if the driver is still here.”
Having seen Eliza safely into a taxi when the company driver was proven to have quit for the day, I make my way back to her office to collect my stuff.
***
“Mornin’.”
Eliza glides towards me the following day, her heels clicking on the hard floor, as I wait for the lift to the office. She pushes her sunglasses back on top of her head and musters a semi smile.
“Good morning, Seth. How did the pitch writing go?” She hitches her bag higher on her shoulder, and when her eyes meet mine, I can tell she slept less than I did. We both step into the lift when the doors glide apart.
“I kept my end of the bargain.”
She gives me the tiniest smirk and looks away. “Coffee. That’s all I need. Then we’ll go through it.”
A few minutes later, Eliza sits opposite me at the same restaurant table we were at on my first day, but today I can see that her bright eyes are the result of too much caffeine.
“What time did you leave?” she asks as I relax against the back of my chair, and she perches upright on the edge of hers.
“About four hours ago.”
“Oh!”
“It’s all good. I want to get it done. I need to do more in-depth research per brand, rather than sector. That way, I can be more specific and make sure I hit the right note.”
“So it’s another research day? I think we’ll go sit in the boardroom then. We’re much less likely to be disturbed in there than either of our offices.”
Hours after lunch, Eliza and I are still elbow-deep, sitting at the boardroom table that’s littered with the kind of information people would pay a fortune for. She has access to so much more intel than I ever imagined existed, and it’s fascinating.
“Look at this one.” I turn my screen towards Eliza. “They did their own customer research last year, and it mentions the need for a wider offering for their experience days.”
Her eyes move slowly over the words. Almost squinting. “Yes. I think they.... Hold on.” She flips through a small stack of paper at her elbow. “Ah. Here it is. They are piloting a few new options and are currently running focus groups. Here.” She hands it to me and I grab it before it falls from her grasp. Her arm drops to the table, and she frowns at it when her wrist bangs on the solid wood.
Jesus, she looks shattered. Clearly, suggesting she should go home to sleep didn’t work, so...
“Hey. How about a change of scenery? We might find some inspiration.”
“Um...yes. All right.”
I watch her wobbly frame as she stuffs things into her bag and stands. I force my hands to stay at my sides. To not reach out and steady her. I stroll over to the mini fridge and collect two bottles of water (she definitely does not need more coffee) and then over to the door.
Eliza follows me to the Winter Gardens and we hole up in a quiet little slice of The Shard, secluded and pretty peaceful, dotted with tall palms and greenery. She sighs as she sits beside me on the plump padding of a small sofa, cocooned in what can only be described as a wooden egg, and her eyes close briefly before she opens them wide, takes a long drink of water, and pulls out the first document she touches.
I don’t say a word. Just watch her from the corner of my eye, pretending to read a piece of paper I’ve already memorised, as she fights hard to stay awake. But within thirty minutes, her head falls forward for the last time, and she surrenders, her shoulders rising and falling as she breathes deeply. I stay still for another few minutes, then, carefully and quietly, move her legs around so that she’s supported and almost curled up against the rounded back, and shrug out of my jacket. She inhales deeply as I lay it over her, and the corners of her mouth turn up as she burrows down against the plush fabric.
Eliza
There’s an orange glow just beyond my reach. I know it. I just can’t quite get to it.
My eyelids are heavy but keep trying to lift. When I open them, I’m looking at a spectacular sunset but have no idea why.
“Hey.” Seth’s voice pulls my attention away from the windows. His eyes crinkle slightly as he watches me struggle to move upright.
“I fell asleep?” I ask, and he nods. “Oh! God, I’m sorry. How rude. And unprofessional.” And dangerous.
“Eliza. You were like the walking dead. It’s fine. Go back to sleep.”
“H-how long?”
“How long were you asleep?”
I nod and Seth glances at the bottom corner of his screen.
“About... six hours.” He chuckles as he takes in my expression. “It’s almost nine.”
I gasp, fumble for my phone, and wince at the missed calls and notifications but note the time. And that he’s right. I slept. For hours. Near him.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have...” God, what if I’d hurt him?
“There’s really no need to be. I got a shedload done. Why don’t we call it a night? I’m sure I can find somewhere to eat before we go home.”
“Did I... do anything?”
“Like what?” Seth’s nose wrinkles and his head tilts slightly as he looks at me.
“Talk. Stand up. Lash out. Or... anything.”
“No...”
I look away before he can ask that why? I can see in his eyes. “I... um...” I clear my throat and try again to speak the words forming in my mind. “I contacted a therapist...”
Seth’s grin is luminous. He moves so fast I don’t have a chance to react before he gathers me up in a bear hug. “That’s amazing! I’m so proud of you.”
His arms are strong and solid, but his gentleness is innate. His fingers rake smoothly through my hair, cupping my neck, then my jaw. The tips trailing down my neck make me shiver, and my inhale is so sharp I almost jump.
“Here.” Seth presses an ice-cold water bottle into my hand when he releases me, his eyes lingering on my mouth, before he tears them away and shakes his head a little. “I’m gonna find us some food. You can have a read through that if you want.” He juts his chin towards his laptop before striding off.
I wander back to my office with our stuff, still reading from Seth’s screen, and a minute later, I glance around the empty room when an unfamiliar ringtone fills the air. I walk over to the desk and look at the name lighting up the display. “Abi,” I read aloud.
