Broken, p.34
Broken, page 34
Damien laughs. “Your ability to slide a compliment in there is appreciated.” Jess smiles proudly. “But I already know whatever Paul has in mind is gonna piss me off…royally.”
“You know me so well, mate.” Paul slaps Damien on the arm in a manly, yet reassuring kind of way that has Damien rolling his eyes.
“Are we doing this or what?” I ask, feeling the urge to make good on my random burst of determination before I chicken out. It’s time to take that wacky thing called life and give it a good shake.
Paul proceeds to give Raif a slap on the back of the head, triggering Raif’s loud groan. “Come on, mate,” Paul says. “We’re going on a road trip.”
I glance at Damien, but all credit to him, he merely shrugs, and after finishing packing away the shopping, followed by a few showers and a change into something more appropriate for those of us in pyjamas, we head outside.
“Maybe I should stick Raif in the back.” I’m assuming Paul’s referring to the seatless section of his van, though I’m not sure which one of us he’s talking to. “I don’t fancy cleaning sick out of my seats.”
“I heard that,” Raif pipes up as Damien and I climb in the back of the van, letting Amy and Jess climb into the front. “And I’m more than happy to be left behind.”
“Trust me,” Paul says, climbing into the driver’s seat as Raif slides in beside me. “If Dani decides to participate, and it’s a massive if, you’re not gonna want to miss it, mate.” Oh, hell, what have I gotten myself into?
The journey is roughly a couple of hours or so in length, and when Paul pulls up to some random coastline, parking up beside the beach, I’m clueless. We let Paul lead the way, and after one hell of a hill climb that has me mimicking Damien and my second attempt at a first date by jumping on for a piggyback, we find ourselves standing at the top of a cliff.
“Are you insane?” I ask Paul.
“Hey,” he protests. “You wanted crazy, and I chose the smallest cliff.”
“No way,” Damien states.
“Mate,” Paul argues. “I’ve made this jump a thousand times. It’s one of the few places it’s relatively safe. No rocks waiting at the bottom, just the water.”
“Relatively safe,” Jess murmurs, staring down at the vast drop. “That sounds comforting.” If I didn’t know any better, I’d say Jess was a little nervous for me. Her excitement faded fast.
“Come on,” Paul protests. “I wouldn’t let Dani jump if I honestly thought it would end badly. That’d be a little too close to home, don’t you think?” There’s a brief awkward tension to which Paul scowls. “Moving on…”
“I’m game even if Dani isn’t,” Amy pipes up, stripping down to her bra and underwear faster than I can blink. Damien’s uncomfortable shuffle doesn’t go unnoticed.
“And I thought Damien was the adventurous one of the family,” I tease Amy, but she merely shrugs, pumped and ready to go.
“Babe,” Damien pleads, but I ignore him, moving closer to the edge and looking down. It’s not as far as I thought, but there is one issue I should probably address.
“I don’t know if I can swim.”
“Pretty sure if you jump,” Paul says cockily, “Damien will be right behind you to play hero.”
This is absolute insanity, yet I’m totally intrigued. Like Paul said, I asked for crazy, and I definitely got it. I stand for a few minutes, contemplating. Damien is behind me, and I can hear him reminding me of my injuries, but to be honest, he’s sounding a lot like a broken record.
I’m standing in one of those rare moments of life where I can either run away or take the plunge. Running away is my default mode, the safest option, but there’s something inside me, probably the same something that saved me from Adrian, urging me to just let loose and, well, throw myself off a cliff. You only live once, right?
And that’s exactly what I want to do. I want to live my best life. I want to do stupid things and laugh more than ever before. I want to experience everything this crazy-ass world has to offer and make the most of the future. I want unforgettable stories to tell my kids and grandkids, stories that outshine my shitstorm past a million to one. I want to feel the thrill of an excitement-fuelled adrenaline so I can erase the only adrenaline I have ever known, one that comes from anger and fear.
Fear. Once my best friend, and my strongest emotion. Irrational, controlling and relentless to a fault, I never thought I’d ever be free of the fear that consumed my existence. Until I found them. I turn to face my family with a smile.
My eyes find Damien’s. His worry is evident, but that only makes me smile harder. Damien has been a massive part of my life for longer than I first realised, and his unconditional, undying love for me has given me nothing but hope for a future I never dreamed could be a possibility, let alone full of love and happiness. My beautiful, amazing Damien, he’s the light in my darkness, the strength in my heart, and he’s taught me something I will be forever grateful for.
I’m a survivor. I’ve been to hell and back, and I’ve come out the other side – I would say unscathed, but that would be a humongous stretch – stronger, and maybe even a little wiser. I’m a victim, and I always will be, but with my family beside me, I’ll be damned if I don’t make the most of my freedom. Adrian is burning in hell, or at least he better be, and I can finally look to the future without the fear of my past haunting me later down the line. Adrian is gone, and he’s not coming back. If that’s not something to celebrate with a little craziness, I don’t know what it is.
“Fuck it,” I say, stripping out of my jeans.
Damien protests, igniting a rather loud group argument I opt to ignore. Amusingly though, when I pull my long-sleeved, thumbholed top over my head and drop it to the ground, the group fall eerily silent.
I stand, in nothing but my bra and underwear, and the eyes-wide, jaw-dropped expressions upon my friend’s faces are highly entertaining. Amy’s and Raif’s are a little more shocked than the others, but it is the first time either of them are seeing a glimpse of my scars.
“For people who tell me I shouldn’t be insecure about my scars,” I tease, taking off my socks and ignoring the twinge of pain in my ribs, “you’re doing an awful lot of staring.”
“I just…” Jess starts. “I never thought I’d see the day…”
“Yeah, well,” I say, moving further onto dry land in preparation for a run and jump kind of manoeuvre. “I’m about to jump off a bloody cliff. Something tells me my scars are the least of my worries.”
Underneath the fierce disapproval of my intention to jump, Damien is staring at me in awe, and I know without hearing the words that he’s proud of me. Hell, I’m proud of me. Damien’s right, my scars are a reminder not of what I’ve been through but what I’ve overcome, and that’s not something I need to hide, least of all from the people I love.
“You’re serious about doing this?” Damien asks.
“Yes, I am,” I reply firmly. “And if I die, at least I’ll die happy.”
“Not fucking funny, Dani,” Damien scolds.
I sigh. “Don’t you get it yet?” I ask rhetorically. “This is an unbelievably stupid, reckless, yet exhilarating way to say one last fuck you to Adrian.” Damien shakes his head, but I think it’s more at the name drop than my little rant. “I’m finally free. Free to live my life, to do whatever the hell I want, whenever I want without being held back by fear, and it’s all thanks to you bunch of misfits.” Smiles all around. “So yeah, I’m gonna jump off that cliff, and I’m hoping you’ll be right behind me, because as determined as I’m feeling, there’s a distinct possibility of drowning, and I’d rather not actually die.” It would be sod’s law on an epic level if I did.
Damien stares me down for a minute longer, before stripping down to his boxers.
“I said I’d follow you to the end of the earth if I had to,” he declares, moving to stand beside me. “And I meant it.”
I smile brightly. “On three?”
Damien scowls, highlighting his continued disapproval and reluctance, but with a grit of his teeth he says, “On three.”
“One,” Paul starts the count.
“Two,” the rest of my family pitch in, kick starting my adrenaline rush. “Three.”
I take off running, Damien beside me, and when my feet leave the edge of the cliff, my entire body hurling feet first towards the water, the excitement brimming through me is like nothing I could have imagined. My heart pounding, my palms sweaty, any lingering fear dissipates, and I’m overwhelmed by a strange serenity that warms my heart.
This is where I belong, knee-deep in craziness, my past buried in the deepest, darkest corner of my mind, my family cheering me on, and my future happiness jumping right alongside me. I’m free, and nothing could make me happier. Unless, you know, the universe decides to kill me off for my new-found cockiness and obvious disregard for my life right now.
Shake your head all you want, but I’ll always be me. Even with Adrian gone, the anxiety, the lurking paranoia, and the relentless insecurities will be just as much a part of me as any other emotion, and you know what, I can live with that. If I wobble, I’ll find my balance. If I panic, I’ll find my breath. If I need help, I won’t run or hide or bottle it up out of fear or the misunderstood notion that needing help is a sign of weakness; I’m past that. If I need help, I’ll ask for it, and the best part is, I’ll get it from a group of amazing, relentless, quirky individuals. And when the anxiety or insecurity hiccup passes, I’ll remember who I really am. It’s amazing how utterly life-affirming plummeting down hundreds of feet can be.
The cold water engulfs me, and as I kick my way back to the surface, pleased to discover I can indeed swim, the relief in Damien’s face as he swims towards me echoes my own. The pain radiating through my limbs dulled by an adrenaline high, I burst out laughing. Shaking his head, Damien pulls me close, pressing my body to his, and when his urgent lips meet mine, it’s the perfect way to celebrate being alive.
So, here I am, in all my dysfunctional, disfigured glory.
A victim, yet a survivor.
Afraid, yet fearless.
Scarred, yet healed.
Broken, yet… Let’s not get too cocky, yeah?
Acknowledgements
My husband, Andy
Thank you for your patience (you’ve needed it!), understanding, dedication & the amazing cover design! But more importantly, thank you for being my rock, my sanity, for believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself & for relentlessly pushing me to make my dream come true. You are my right arm, my inspiration & my strength. I couldn’t have done any of it without you & your support. You deserve more credit than I can give!
My kids
Now you know what mum does when you go to bed every night & why I’m always tired :) Dreams can come true, never forget that. Everything I do is for you!
My best friend, Claire
Thank you for being the first person to finish reading my book, for listening to me bang on & on about all things writing & for always being just a message or phone call away. But mostly, thank you for walking this incredible journey with me & for loving Broken as much as I do!
My mum, Cathy
Thank you for always being honest, for believing in me & picking me up whenever I doubted myself & for always being on the other end of the phone. Extra big thank you for reading more books than anyone else I know. Your knowledge, insight & opinions are worth their weight in gold.
Steve & Dale
Thank you for always answering my messages, for sharing your honest opinions & your unwavering support.
Emily & Matt
Thank you so much for bringing Dani & Damien to life.
Denise & Jim
Thank you for letting Claire repeatedly put you on the spot & for providing a fresh point of view.
Sandra
Thank you for your friendship & support.
Kath
Thank you for liking, sharing & shouting about my book. You did what I was too embarrassed to do & I’m extremely grateful for your support.
Blanche
Thank you for always being the first to like & share my posts & for your words of encouragement & support.
Our dog & bearded dragon
If I didn’t include you, my son would never forgive me!
My readers
Broken would be nothing without you. I am beyond grateful (more than words can describe) to every single person who is willing to give my book a shot. Any honest feedback & reviews are greatly appreciated & I can only hope you enjoy Dani’s journey. Thank you so much!
About the Author
Born in Burnley, Lancashire, K.M. Harding is a part-time NHS worker and lover of all things fiction, now living in Cumbria with her husband and two kids. An avid reader, she went on to study Creative Writing at Staffordshire University before embarking on the exciting journey to becoming an author. When not busy entertaining temper tantrums or fighting through traffic on the school run, she can be found buried in a good book or typing away on her laptop with a pair of headphones blaring her favourite songs.
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K.M. Harding, Broken
