Complete works of hall c.., p.650
Complete Works of Hall Caine, page 650
Agatha. But it’s so silly, so ridiculous! I don’t know this gentleman — He doesn’t know me. We never met until yesterday — and now — I can’t! and I won’t!
Governor. There you are, Rubina! You go to the trouble and expense of bringing a daughter into the world — an only daughter — a favourite daughter — and she treats you like that! (He advances excitedly toward Agatha. His Wife intercepts him.)
Governor’s Wife. Be calm, dearest. It’s a blow — a terrible blow –
Governor. You won’t miss, won’t you? Very well, I won’t either. I won’t lift another finger to find you a husband if you live a hundred years! More than that, I won’t leave you a penny! I’ll leave everything I have to my poor relations! I’ll leave it to the home for lost dogs! I’ll leave it — yes, I’ll leave it to Bill –
Enter Bill.
Bill. I’ve come to ask you for the last time, dad.
Governor. Ask me what?
Bill. To allow me to marry Lesta.
Governor (tapping his forehead). Rubina – our children — both of our children! Isn’t there a doctor about, Rubina?
Governor’s Wife. Be quiet, Bill! Don’t you see how agitated your father is this morning.
Governor. Fool! Simpleton! Didn’t you hear that old equerry last night? He had been drinking, certainly — but when a man’s tipsy he lets out everything. Didn’t you hear what he said about your Lesta and the Prince — that they were as thick as butter — regular Siamese twins and you couldn’t separate ‘em?
Bill. But all that is capable of explanation, dad, and if you’ll only listen
Governor. Explanation? Fiddlesticks! Do you want the whole island to laugh at us? Those officials — confound them — they’ll laugh enough at the Governor when they’re told that his daughter won’t marry the Prince, but when they hear that his son wants to marry the Prince’s mistress
Bill. Dad, I’m trying to save you from ridicule, and if you won’t listen, you’ve only yourself to blame. Have I your permission — yes or no?
Governor. No!
Bill. Then I’ll go, and you must take the consequences.
Governor. Go! You can both go! Block-heads! Dunces! I’ll leave everything I have to the monkeys at the Zoo! I’ll leave it — I’ll leave it to your mother –
Enter Footman.
Well, what do you want?
Footman. Beg pardon, your Excellency, but the old gentleman –
Governor. H’m! Shaving still, is he?
Footman. He wished me to say that the Prince will be here presently.
Governor (tearing up the letter). Too late! Too late!
Footman. He also begged me to tell your Excellency (Stops, looks round).
Governor. Why don’t you do it then?
Footman. That the charming little lady you wished him to introduce to your Excellency
Governor. Sh! Sh! You fool, sh!
Footman. The charming little lady you wished him to introduce to your Excellency –
Governor. Look here — is it necessary to go on saying that?
Footman. The charming little lady is in the house also, and he will bring her along at the same time.
Governor. What do you say? What the deuce! At the same time. They can’t meet here! Tell him to take her away! Take her away!
(Exit Footman.)
Enter Daddie followed by Lesta in woman’s costume.
Oh, Lord, here she is!
Daddie. Halloa! Thought I would kill two birds with one stone, guv.
Governor. Two birds — one stone?
Bill. This is Lesta Lily, Dad!
Daddie. And this, your Excellency, is the Prince!
Governor. Lesta Lily! The Prince! What’s the meaning of this tomfoolery?
Bill. It isn’t tomfoolery now. Dad. It’s earnest — solemn earnest. Lesta Lily and the Prince are one and the same person.
Governor. One and the same person! You’re mad! Feel if you’re wearing a straight waistcoat, Bill.
Daddie. It isn’t Bill who is wearing the straight waistcoat. Guv — it’s yourself.
Governor. Myself!
Daddie. You’ve been wearing it ever since you received your letter from London, and fell into the mare’s nest by supporting that a simple variety artiste, rehearsing in character, was a Prince travelling in disguise.
Governor. Good Lord! Can it be possible? To be sure, what was there like a Prince in that young stripling? Nothing at all! How could I think it? Idiot of a mutton-head that I am! There can’t be such another blockhead in all Christendom! I must be in my dotage! I didn’t used to be such a fool! Thirty years I’ve been in the service and nobody could take me in. Rogues and rascals have tried to over-reach me, and now — to be hoodwinked by a girl!
Governor’s Wife. But this cannot be, dearest the Prince is engaged to Agatha!
Governor. Engaged! Bosh! A fig for your “engaged!” The Prince is a woman — what’s the use of a woman for a husband? Would a woman be any use to you for a husband? I’m crushed — regularly crushed! Look at me, Agatha, look! — see how your father’s fooled! Ass! Booby! Dotard that I am! Taking a woman for a man! A music-hall singer for a man of rank! You can crow over me now, Agatha! Why don’t you laugh? Laugh away! I hear all the world laughing! I see nothing but pig’s snouts instead of faces from one end of the island to the other.
Agatha. Oh, papa!
Governor. But if I’ve been a fool, somebody else has been a knave! All this was intended to trick me, wasn’t it? To make me consent to Bill’s marriage. To compel me to accept not only Lesta Lily but her family of mummers also! Her father the equerry — eh? Ha, ha, ha! (To Bill.) And you, you fat-nose! You’ve helped him, haven’t you? You’ve helped this old fellow to grind his own axe — to climb on my ladder — to shunt himself into my house — to –
Lesta (stepping forward). Stop! If you must blame anyone, blame me. It wasn’t my fault that I came here in a false character, but it was my fault that I came at all. You had injured and insulted me, sir. Because I was only a poor girl working for a living I was outside your world, and had no business to care for your son. And because I was only a public singer I was a woman of low morals and had no right to marry him. Is work so criminal, sir, that a woman cannot earn her own bread without putting herself out of the pale of respect? And is it so wicked to please the public that a girl cannot do it and be worthy of the love of a good man? That’s the opinion of nearly all such men as you, sir, and it’s a lie — a cruel lie, and I wanted to prove it. (Governor drops into a seat.) You brought the poor singer to your house as a Prince — and you know what happened! Did it alter everything when my name was altered? Did I become a new creature when I put on other clothes? Or was it that the world itself turned the other way about when I ceased to be a woman and became a man? I can’t say! I am too ignorant to understand these things. I only know that everything was changed, and you went down on your knees to thank me when you gave me permission to marry your child. (Agatha creeps behind her father’s chair and puts her arms about his neck.) Perhaps it was a poor revenge, and I’m not sure it covers everything. I know it wasn’t playing the game fair, and I’m not going to take advantage of my victory. I love your son, sir, and I think I should have made him a good wife, if you had permitted it — but nobody shall say that I have sown dissension in your family. (Breaking down.) I’m going away! The public loves me — God bless ‘em — and so — and so — so I’m — I’m going back to — to where I’m wanted — (Turning away).
Governor (leaping to his feet). No, you’re not! You shan’t! Because you are going to stay here!
Bill. Dad!
Agatha. Papa!
Governor’s Wife. Husband!
Governor. I’m rightly served! It’s true, if heaven wants to punish a man it first drives him mad. I was mad — mad with conceit and vanity, so I fell into the first fool’s trap that lay open at my feet. All madmen are vain fools, and all vain fools are madmen. I deserve to be a laughing-stock — and my downfall is a lesson to toadies and touts and time-servers all the world over. But I’m not going back on my word — I’m going to face the music. Last night, when I thought you were the Prince, I gave you my daughter — now, that I know you are Lesta Lily, I ask you to take my son.
Bill. Lesta!
Lesta. Bill!
Enter Footman.
Footman (announcing). The Lord Bishop — His Honour the Judge — His Worship the Mayor — the Head Constable — the Seneschal and the Post-master!
Lesta. Let me see them — sir. Bill, go up to my sitting-room for the presents I was showing you this morning. (Exit Bill.)
Daddie. And before they come let me cut a retreat. Nothing like lopping off your loose ends when the enemy’s getting at your flank! I’m off, sir! You’ll do better without me, and I’ll not bother you again: — but last night, talking of a certain little lady — you said she was a stunner and a brick — and by God, sir, I’ll give you leave to call me back when she doesn’t fill the bill. Ta-ta!
(Exit Daddie, jauntily.)
Enter the Six Officials on tip-toe, looking round.
Head Constable. Here’s an astounding thing happened, sir — but where’s your distinguished guest?
Governor. Not seen him this morning, gentlemen.
Head Constable. Good! The person we took for the Prince is not a Prince, your Excellency.
Judge. Not a Prince at all — the Postmaster found that out from the letter.
Governor. From what letter?
Head Constable. A letter he wrote himself.
Postmaster. To your so — so — son!
Governor. And you opened it?
Head Constable. Listen! (Reading.) “Dearest Bill, I hasten to tell you I have penetrated the mystery of the prince travelling in disguise. — It’s myself, and the officials of your Isle of Boy are taking me for his Royal Highness. Six of them have been here already. Such an awful set of originals — you would die of laughing if you could see and hear them! For reasons shortly to be revealed I intend to play up to their little game, so expect -”
Lesta (stepping out). “So expect to see me soon in a new character and pray the stars for my success.” (Offials fall back; letter drops.)
Re-enter Bill, carrying tray, etc.
Governor. Gentlemen, allow me to introduce Miss Lesta Lily — my future daughter-in-law!
Judge (to other Officials). A trick!
Head Constable. Faked!
Mayor. Fooled!
Bishop. He has known it from the first!
Lesta. Bishop, when you called on me at the Inn you left something behind you, and I put it into this paper. The Church should be generous, my lord, but it should scorn to be corrupt. (Gives back his money.) Judge, you were suffering from a certain emotion when I saw you last, and these notes fell out of your fingers: Justice should be blind, your Honour, but not stupid. (Gives back his money.) Constable, pretending to think I was an impoverished traveller, you gave me something from the poor-box — the Police should be pitiful, sir, but not pilferers. (Gives back his money.) Mayor and Seneschal, when you asked me to do you a certain favour, you gave me this little testimonial — public money is a public trust, Mr. Mayor, and secret commissions is only another name for bribes. (Gives back tray, etc.)
Bill (picking up letter). But you’ve forgotten the Postmaster, and I have something to give him!
Postmaster. Don — don — don’t mention it!
Bill. Why did you open my letter?
Postmaster. I don — don — don’t know! A super — super — natural force imp — imp — elled me to break the se — se — seal!
Bill. Well, a supernatural force impels me to break your head. But I give you your choice — a report to the Postmaster-General, or five kicks!
Postmaster. Oh, lo — lor — lord! Have you the heart to do — do — do it, sir?
Bill. No, but I’ve the foot. Which is it to be?
Postmaster. Five kic — kic — icks, then!
Bill. Come along!
(Exit Bill, followed by Postmaster.)
Lesta (opening petition). I’ve something else here, gentlemen, signed by all of you — it’s only an old story — a story of jealousy and envy — as old as the story of Joseph and his brethren. If nothing happens I’ll keep it for my private reading, but if any of you should ever whisper a word against anybody in this house I might be tempted to read it to the Governor also.
Postmaster (voice heard outside). On — on — one! (Fervently.) Tw — tw — two! (More fervently.) Thr — thr — three! (Still more fervently.) Fou — fou — four! (With aloud cry.) Fi — fi — five!
Re-enter Bill, with the right leg of his trousers doubled up. A cannon-shot is heard. All start.
Governor. What’s that?
Bill (at back). A yacht in the bay! A royal yacht!
Enter Secretary, followed by Naval Officer.
Naval Officer (saluting). His Royal Highness Prince Henry has arrived on a visit to the Isle of Boy and requests the attendance of the Lieutenant-Governor and his executive.
(Exit Officer.)
(All utter simultaneously ejaculations of amazement. Governor’s Wife and Daughter run up to balcony.)
Governor. Gentlemen, we are all friends now. We have learned our lesson and buried our bitterness, so we’ll go down to the quay together to welcome the real Prince.
Voices. Hurrah! The Prince! The Prince!
(Band heard outside.)
Lesta. And I’ll sing the Royal Chorus to set you off!
(Lesta sings the Chorus of a song she sung in previous Act. Governor and Officials repeat it, singing together as they go off.) (Exeunt.)
(When they are gone. Bill comes down and Lesta falls into his arms. They sit on sofa, face to audience. Band and procession going under window.)
Agatha (on balcony). The Prince is coming ashore in a launch. They’re blowing off steam.
Bill (kissing Lesta). So am I, Agatha!
Agatha (looking off). Easy ho! Half speed! Slow astern! Keep her close! Brace her up, boy!
Bill (embracing and kissing Lesta). I will! I will!
(Cheers, shouts, singing, firing of guns, etc., as Curtain falls.)
PETE
A DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS
CONTENTS
THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY.
THE FIRST ACT
THE SECOND ACT
THE THIRD ACT
THE FOURTH ACT
THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY.
PETE QUILLIAM
PHILIP CHRISTIAN
ROSS CHRISTIAN
CAESAR CREGEEN
WILLIAM
DR. MYLECHREEST
POSTMAN KELLY
BLACK TOM
JONAIQUE JELLY
CONSTABLE NIPLIGHTLY
NANCY
MARY
GRANNIE
MEG
SARAH
KATE CREGEEN
SCENE – Isle of Man.
TIME – The Present.
THE FIRST ACT
SCENE. A large, low-pitched room in the MANX FAIRY – very quaint and picturesque. Heavy beams support the ceiling; the walls are panelled. On them are prints of sporting subjects, ships, etc., and daguerreotypes. Commencing left, front, there is a door (C) opening into the tap-room. Then a wide, low-partition of square panes of glass in thick frames, through which a little of the tap-room can be seen. There is a wooden ledge on each side of this partition, and in the middle of it is a sliding panel through which pots of ale, etc., can be passed. The top corner of the room is cut off, and in it there is a door (B) up three steps, opening into a dark panelled passage. At the back is a dresser full of china and pewter. The greater part of the back is occupied by a deeply-recessed casemented window, with a shelf below it which is full of bright flowers in pots. One section of the window is open (outwards). Below the shelf is a wide, cushioned window-seat. Along the top of the window recess runs a smart cotton valance, about 18in. deep. On the wall at the back between the window end the right-angle are fowling pieces and other guns, etc. The angle at the back, on the right, corresponding with the opposite angle, is entirely occupied with a great deep fireplace or chimney, in which there is a big wood fire, with a large kettle hanging over it, and all sorts of old-fashioned iron and brass utensils disposed all about it. There is a shelf above the chimney with china and a clock. Lower down on the right is the heavy entrance door (A) with stout iron lock and bolts. This opens inward and upward, showing an orchard in full bloom outside. Beyond the great window at the back is a view of undulating country, with the sea shimmering in the far distance. There is a great armchair above the fireplace. An oak table, well up centre, with several chairs. Within the room the light is cool and not too strong, but outside there is a blaze of sunshine.
When the curtain rises there is the noise of MEN talking loudly in the tap-room. NANCY comes through door (B), hurries to the partition, and quickly closes the sliding panel.
NANCY.
The noise them men make! Shameful!
(Now MARY, a fish-girl, passes outside the great window, crying “Herrings! Fresh Herrings!” NANCY crosses to the open casement, and puts one knee on the window seat.)
NANCY.
Early about, Mary!
MARY.
Ay, Nancy woman. When the sun’s up I’m up with it. The old women don’t think the fish fresh when they’ve done jumping. Anything for you this morning?
NANCY.
Thank ye kindly, no. Good luck to ye, Mary.
MARY.
How’s Miss Kate?
NANCY.
Charming surely. Why not?
MARY.
’Tis well known she’s had news of her sweetheart’s death. I feared she might be grieving.
NANCY.
So she is. In reason. But ’tis five years since she saw him.
MARY.
But never to see him again! There! ’twould stick in my throat.
NANCY.
Who says it doesn’t? She was terrible fond of Pete when he left.
MARY.
Time works wonders, eh? Ay, ay! They should ha’ married when he went, and gone out together.
