Ashes ashes, p.19
Ashes, Ashes, page 19
He says, “Remember when I talked to you about the tornadoes and floods, all the people who lost everything they have?”
“Nope.”
“Think hard. What’d I say about them?”
“You said Spider doesn’t have other people to help him, but maybe it’s because—”
“Don’t listen to Grandma,” he says. “She’s not right all the time.”
“Did Spider hurt somebody and that’s why he went to the slammer?”
“Slammer? Where’d you hear that word?” he asks.
“Grandma.”
“He hurt one person. He was young and wasn’t thinking right. He’s different now than he was back then. Anyway, Jesus forgave him.”
“He did?”
“Jesus always forgives us no matter what we do wrong,” he says, “as long as we ask Him to.”
“And Spider asked for it?”
“Yes.”
“At our church, he did?”
“No, on his own.”
“So, he’s not gonna hurt anybody else?” I ask.
“Don’t think about what Grandma said. She doesn’t know Heath at all.”
“You’d never let anything happen to me, though?”
“What do you think? That’s enough questions for tonight. I don’t wanna get you all wound up before you go to sleep.”
“One more?”
He sighs. “One more.”
“What … No, um, who’d Spider hurt?”
“I’ll tell you some day.”
“That’s not fair,” I say. “You said I had one more question.”
“Pick another one.”
“That’s the one I want, though.”
“Sorry about your luck,” he tells me.
Daddy prays but I don’t say anything the whole time because I’m thinking. After he leaves, I can’t sleep. There’s too much to think about since I’ve figured out what Spider did. Duh, he killed a little girl like me. That must be it and that’s why Daddy wouldn’t tell the truth and why he wouldn’t let Grandma talk about it in front of me. So I think and think and think and I can’t sleep at all. I can see Spider sneaking into my room and stealing me and driving off in Daddy’s truck. Soon I’ll be a fly in Spider’s web he’s made in a big tree somewhere.
What helps me fall asleep is Daddy on his cellphone outside my room. He’s talking to his friend. Emma is my friend, too, even though she’s old like Daddy. She brings Derek and Marybeth and we go sledding or ice skating or swimming and it’s fun. From his voice I can tell he’s smiling on the phone. He says my name and Spider’s. He even laughs. I wish he’d laugh more. Maybe he would if Spider wasn’t moping around all the time. Daddy always laughs when he’s with Emma. She has a pretty laugh, too. Sometimes there are tears in her eyes from giggling.
Maybe I won’t get kidnapped after all. Except I have an idea then that would fix so many problems.
I sleep well, thinking about what I’ll do in school tomorrow.
***
The other kids have been asking about Spider and why he’s there at our house and how long is he staying and is he a creepo or what. All this time I said I didn’t know anything about it. But today during pizza slices and fruit cocktail at lunch, I say, “You don’t wanna know. You’ll never sleep again.”
They all stare at me. Nobody’s eating their food.
“He kidnapped kids. A whole bunch, at least twenty. He ripped their toenails out and ate them. Then he drowned them in the Mississippi.”
The girls are super grossed out. They groan and put their feet up on their stools. But another girl named Patricia is sitting at the table over and she just laughs at me.
“I don’t believe you,” she says. “You also said that you knew an astronaut and that turned out to be a juicy lie.”
“That was just a misunderstatement, Patricia. I’m telling you the truth about Spider. Ask your grandma. She’ll lie and say she doesn’t know anything about it. That’s how you know it’s true. I snuck into Spider’s room once. Under his bed there was a jar. Guess what I found in the jar.”
“No! Icky!” Marie yells.
“Yep. Toenails! I sleep with ten pairs of socks on now. Just in case.”
Patricia stands up and says, “You’re so full of crap, Juliette!”
“Maybe you like eating toenails.”
“No, I don’t, Juliette!”
The thing about Patricia is that she lives with her grandma. I know this because we used to be friends before I went to stay the night at her house one night and her grandma was weird and gave me the willies from being old. So I never went to Patricia’s after that.
Later on, in gym class, I sling a kickball right at her legs and she falls down. “Oops!” I say.
That night I’m playing cards with Daddy and Spider comes creeping out of his lair and into the living room. I even kind of feel bad for him sometimes because he’s so slow and creeping it doesn’t seem like he could actually hurt somebody. For sure he couldn’t pull out someone’s toenails. I tried pulling on mine on the bus ride home. They’re stuck on there pretty good.
The three of us play cards until Daddy’s cellphone buzzes and he goes into the kitchen. He’s on the phone for a while.
“I’m sorry you don’t like me,” Spider says. “It must stink having me here. Maybe I’ll be out of your hair soon.”
“You’re actually probably not the worst, Spider.”
He looks up from his cards and smiles all tired-like.
Daddy comes back to the game with his face full of red blotches. Just the way he looks when he’s been roofing all day and it’s real muggy and hot out.
“Juliette, come with me,” he says.
I tell Spider not to look at my cards, then follow Daddy into his bedroom. He shuts the door, and we stand face to face. He’s mad.
“I just got off the phone with Mrs. Portis,” he says.
“Who’s that?” I ask, playing dumb.
“Patricia’s grandmother.”
“She’s a liar. Everyone knows that.”
“Patricia told her you bullied her today.”
“Not even.”
“Juliette …”
“I didn’t. The ball slipped out of my hand.”
“First of all, Juliette, it’s not okay to bully. But Mrs. Portis also said that you told some girls a story.”
“What story?”
“You tell me, Juliette.”
“I was only joking.”
“Go on …”
“It was about Spider. I told them that he was in jail for eating toenails.”
“What else?” Daddy says.
“That’s it.”
“Before you go on, think very carefully about how long you wanna be grounded.”
“Then … Then I just said that he drowned them all afterward,” I whisper.
“Speak up.”
I do. “I said he drowned them. The girls whose toenails he took. But I only said that to scare my friends.”
“You think it’s okay to make up lies about him?”
“No.”
“Why’d you do it, then?”
“I don’t know,” I say.
“All those girls are gonna tell their parents he’s dangerous, then their parents are gonna tell their friends and it’s gonna be even harder for him to feel welcomed here.”
“I was just pranking him,” I explain.
“It’s not funny.”
“Sorry I’m not funny, I guess.”
“What should we do, Juliette? Maybe we don’t get to play softball this year. Maybe we’re grounded until spring.”
“Till spring?! That’s like the rest of my life!”
“That should give you enough time to think about what you’ve done.”
“I already said I’m sorry.”
He takes a deep breath. He sighs. My eyes start to burn, and I know I’m gonna cry but I don’t wanna.
“Can I go to my room?” I ask.
“Yes. And don’t come out until I get you.”
On the way to my kingdom, I look for Spider. He isn’t in the living room. His cards are overturned on the couch. My bedroom seems darker than normal. My bed doesn’t feel anything like a throne. Janie and Millie and Po are up on the dresser, and I turn them so they face the wall and aren’t looking at me anymore.
At first, I think this is all Daddy’s fault because he’s the one that’s grounding me, Patricia’s fault too because she’s whiny. Then I think it’s actually Spider’s fault. Everyone would be happier if he wasn’t creeping around all the time. But, see, that’s just the problem I was trying to fix. I don’t know what to do.
Daddy calls me out for dinner. He made me two fried eggs and I ask him if I can have French toast but he says no. While I eat he just looks down at his hands. It seems like he could fall asleep right there in his chair. I can tell he’s got something to say and he’s waiting for me to finish eating, so I eat slow. But even after I’m done, he doesn’t say anything. He’s grumpy.
“You wanna play cards with me, Daddy?”
“No.”
“Can I have ice cream?”
He shakes his head no.
“Can we make brownies?”
“Juliette …”
“What?”
“You’re not getting dessert.”
“Okay, that’s all you had to say, geez.”
He sighs long and loud. “Do you know what happened to Patricia’s parents?”
“No.”
“They died in a car accident. That’s why she lives with Mrs. Portis. She told her grandma she didn’t mind you bullying her. She said she can stick up for herself. But her grandma had told her that Heath not only didn’t have parents, he didn’t even have a grandma.”
“Uh-huh.”
“So, when you lied about him, Patricia got mad. Do you understand that?”
I do. I nod.
“I thought you and Patricia were buddies,” he says. “What happened?”
“I don’t know.” I really can’t remember.
He sighs. Then he tells me all the things I have to do. Apologize to Patricia and tell the class I was lying about Heath and apologize to Heath for lying about him.
“Do you know why I’m so upset?” he asks.
“Because I shouldn’t lie.”
“And …?”
“And I shouldn’t bully.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s mean,” I say.
“Why is it mean?”
“It hurts people.”
He says, “Because people only bully those who are already hurting a bunch.”
“Daddy, if I do everything you told me to, am I still grounded?”
“Definitely.”
“I was thinking that if I’m gonna be grounded anyway can I at least have some ice cream tonight?”
He shakes his head no. Dang.
“How long am I grounded for?”
“I’m not sure yet.”
“A week?”
“Probably longer.”
“A month?”
“I’ll let you know,” he says. “You don’t understand how lucky you are. Maybe I’ve tried too hard to … To keep you from seeing that some people never feel love like you do every day. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I love you, Juliette.”
“I love you, too. That’s why … See, because of Emma. I thought you’d be happy if she was around more, and I thought you could see her more if Spider was out of your hair.”
“Heath. Uncle Heath.”
“It’s weird that he’s here, Daddy. Don’t you see that?”
“I don’t care if it is. I don’t care what others think about it. I don’t care what you think about it. He’s part of our family. He needs us. Emma knows that, Juliette. She understands. She cares about him, too. There’s so much you don’t understand.”
“But—”
“You don’t ever have to worry about me being happy. You’re what makes me happy every day.”
“Okay, Daddy.”
I brush my teeth and put my jammies on and when I’m in bed I get the sniffles thinking about how Daddy once said he wasn’t treated too good when he was a boy my age and about how he had bad luck just like Spider. If only I knew Daddy back then, I think. If only, I’d have treated him the best. I’d have said “I love you, Daddy” every night. Duh.
***
In the morning, before school, me and Daddy go down to Spider’s lair. It’s kind of like that hotel room we stayed in one time when we went to see the Twins play. There’s the couch and the dresser and Spider’s duffel bag and that’s it.
I feel really bad for a whole bunch of reasons and not all the reasons are the things I did to him and Patricia. But some of the reasons are the things I did to him and Patricia. I feel really bad.
He’s sitting on the bed. Daddy stands behind me.
“Sorry, Spider,” I say.
“How come?”
“Whoops, I forgot you don’t know. I told a lie about you.”
“Oh, that’s okay.”
“It was a bad lie.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he says.
“I’m gonna fix it, though. Unless … Have you ever eaten a toenail?”
“Juliette,” Daddy says.
“Never mind, Spider. See you later on.”
At school I say sorry to Patricia for being mean and I tell my friends I was only fibbing about Spider.
Daddy grounds me for four weeks and I say okay. Then I remember that four weeks is a month and I’m mad again. There’s no going to the movies. No sleepovers. No zoos or baseball games. All I can do is go to school and play cards and blow raspberries and watch whatever Spider and Daddy are watching on TV. It’s usually shows about houses being built. Those shows are by far the worst crap anyone’s ever been forced to watch.
The only fun thing I do is around Christmas time when Emma and Derek and Marybeth come over to open presents. It’s different because there’s usually five of us. Now there’s six. While me and the other kids make snow angels and snowmen and have snowball fights and all that, Daddy and Emma and Spider drink cocoa by the fire. Emma is talking to Spider and they’re smiling and laughing like she doesn’t know he’s not funny or fun and like she doesn’t know he’s even a spider at all.
After that I’m done being grounded. Then something strange happens to Spider that gets me wondering what he and Emma were talking about when they were by the fire, or if there was something in their cocoa. A magic potion, say. Because he changes. He’s still skinny and going bald and still looks older than he’s supposed to. But he’s not as creepy and mopey and he doesn’t mutter all the time and he smiles more. It’s really just a smirk but that’s pretty good for a spider. Plus, when Daddy steps out of the room Spider turns on cartoons for me until Daddy comes back.
“No, you’re not the worst, Spider,” I tell him one day.
“Thanks for saying that. I appreciate it.”
“You’re welcome.”
Then Spider buys a janky old grocery-getter car and now he doesn’t have to ride all scrunched up in the back of Daddy’s truck. I can tell he’s got something brewing behind his pickle eyes, I just don’t know what it is.
“What are you gonna do with your new car?” I ask.
“What do you mean, Juliette?”
“You’re scheming.”
“How can you tell?”
“Because, duh. What are you up to, then?”
“Nothing.”
I scoff.
“Fine, I’ll tell you,” he says. “It might not look it but that car is for racing.”
“Racing?”
“Right, like you see on TV. I just need to tinker for a few weeks, then I’ll be ready to make some real money, get some sponsors. By the time I’m done with her she’ll top-out around three hundred and twenty miles-per-hour, I bet. Faster than anything on NASCAR.”
I don’t know if he’s goofing with me or not. Then he starts to smirk, and I know he’s goofing.
“I got you,” he says.
“No, you didn’t,” I tell him. “I knew all along that your car’s a piece of junk.”
“It is.”
Spider thinks he’s funny.
One day after church, Daddy says it’s the day we’ll go to the beach. We wear coats and boots and hats because it’s way too cold to swim and the path out to the beach is icy so Daddy carries me. It’s sort of a holiday like Easter since we did it last year and the year before that. Except we’re not there long and Daddy promises me ice cream afterward and as far as I know, no one celebrates this holiday but me and Daddy. Spider stays in the truck even though Daddy invites him along to be nice. Anyway, we’re not out there a few minutes when here comes Spider walking out to the beach. He stands next to Daddy.
Daddy talks to the sand all covered in snow. “We sure miss you. We’re doing well.” Things like that. I’ve asked about it a hundred times since I don’t know who he’s talking to. I can’t see her, and I can’t hear her. He says he’ll tell me all about it when I’m older and that’s fine since there’s ice cream afterward. Then there’s Spider. At first, I think he’s cold and his eyes are red for some reason. Then I wonder if maybe he’s crying, a thing I guess a spider can do.
After we get home Spider skips lunch to hide out in the basement. He comes up with his duffel bag. It’s fat with all his things stuffed inside.
“I’ll see you at work. Thank you all so much for your hospitality.”
“Of course,” Daddy says.
Daddy gives him a hug but Spider doesn’t quite hug him back and so it looks like Daddy’s squeezing the life out of him. If Daddy grabs him just a bit harder, a tear might drip out.
Spider waves goodbye to me and walks out of the house. His bag makes his shoulder slump low. He drives off in his car.
