S a bodeen, p.11
S. A. Bodeen, page 11
"Way to go, Starbuck."
Where did that come from?
For some reason the name just popped out. Maybe too much Battlestar Galactica in Honolulu. And a vision of my daily coffee fix. I tried not to think about a latte, whipped cream, caramel.
Maybe I just felt the need to name the seal, make it a companion. And sure, Starbuck was a girl on the TV show, and maybe the baby wasn't. I didn't know. The name just fit.
Starbuck shook her head as she chewed, probably not very happy with all the sticky stuff. As she gnawed, more goop oozed out her mouth and stuck to her snout. She kept working at that sea cucumber until it was gone.
I had a good feeling. She was going to make it.
forty-six
By the time the third morning on the island came around, at least I think it was the third, I had developed a routine. I woke on the beach, opening my eye to see if anything was different.
My left eye was still swollen shut. Useless.
My nose still hurt so bad I couldn't even sniffle without my eyes tearing up.
My lips were cracked and stung from even the smallest twitch.
I was hungrier than when I'd gone to sleep.
My filthy Bermuda shorts threatened to fall down whenever I stood up, my formerly white camisole was now practically black with dirt and sand and blood, and I was pretty sure my underwear could go for a walk on their own.
Nope, nothing much different with me.
Or with Max, who now slept almost all of the time.
Or with the island.
Shades of the island didn't change.
The sky's bright unbroken blue.
The water's ever-rippling greenish turquoise.
The sand's long stretches of white, interrupted here and there by green plant life and the varied colors of marine debris that floated up every day.
The color scheme had become such an unchanging constant that when I noticed the bright yellow spot in the water, my breath caught in my throat.
I stared, squinted out of my good eye.
The bright yellow was a survival suit, there in the water, just floating.
I stood, watching it get closer until I could see it better. Yellow on top, with a black bottom and attached boots; it looked in good condition.
But the suit wasn't flat.
Was there some sort of compressor inside? Filling it with air? They were no good if they got punctured, I'd read that somewhere, so maybe there was an extra bladder thing inside, keeping it afloat.
My heart pounded, but I didn't want to admit what I was thinking.
Hoping.
Sometimes those suits had emergency beacons. Maybe this one did. And maybe I could activate it and wait for someone to track it to the island. To me.
I watched it for a bit, but it didn't seem to get any closer to the beach. Despite not wanting to, I entered the water. Wading out to get closer, so I could grab the suit, I hesitated for a moment. The water came up to my ankles, then to my shins.
Almost there.
I grabbed one of the black boots and pulled.
"Oh, God."
The suit wasn't empty. I was holding a foot. Which meant--
A wave came then, pushing the weight of the suit at me, and I screamed, trying to shove it away. The suit was full, full of a dead person, full of what was left of whoever that person was. And that person was too heavy for me to push off.
Trying to get away, I stumbled in the water and lost my footing. Another wave pushed the suit, the body, onto me and I was face-to-face with the eyeless, half-eaten face of a corpse.
Screaming, I shoved, but with the combined action of the wave and the weight of the body, my face ended up pressed against the chest of the suit. Using every ounce of strength I had, I whipped myself around and screamed at a sudden pain in my nose.
Finally, I crawled up onto the beach and cradled my face in my hands, trying to feel the damage. Blood dripped on the sand. The diamond was gone, had gotten caught in something on the suit--maybe the zipper--and ripped out, splitting that side of my nose.
I fell on my side, back to the water, arms wrapped tight around my legs, shuddering and crying.
When I'd finally stopped, I rolled over to face the water.
The survival suit ... the body ... was still there in the shallows, the waves pushing it onto the beach, but never far enough to stay for long. Eventually, the motion of the waves pulled it back, moving it away from me.
I stood up.
Max spoke to me then. He hadn't spoken in a long time.
For days, it seemed.
He said, "You need that suit. You need that beacon."
I shook my head. "No." I sniffled, which hurt like hell. "I'm not going back out there!" My voice had lost any semblance of calm, and everything that came out of my mouth was high-pitched and childlike and uncontrolled. "I'm not."
He kept telling me to go, go get the suit. If I stood any chance of getting it, I would have to go in the next minute or two. Get back in that water.
Max didn't leave me alone. "Get in there and get it. You have to."
"No!" I screamed. "No, I don't!" I flung myself onto the wet sand and lay there.
I didn't have to do anything.
I just had to lie there. Lie there and bleed to death.
Lie there and die.
I didn't care. I didn't have to do anything.
I didn't.
forty-seven
My left cheek lay on the cool, wet sand. With my good eye, I watched the yellow suit.
There might not even be a beacon on the suit.
If there is, someone would have found it by now.
Or the thing is broken.
I gave myself more excuses to not go in that water.
And Max said, "You have to."
Closing my eye, I said, "Shut up." And I couldn't stop. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"
And then I sat up and screamed, screamed until my head hurt and I had almost no voice left. And then I stood up, turned toward Max, and used what voice I had left to say what I hadn't been able to.
"You're not real! You're dead! You were dead when I shoved you out of the raft." I was panting and had to pause to catch my breath. "I made you up because I couldn't stand to think about what I'd done to save myself." I pointed at him. "I brought you back so I wouldn't have to be alone..."
Hearing the truth out loud made me gasp and cover my mouth.
The admission that I was just talking to myself, had been since the second day on the raft, was too much to take. I dropped to my knees, curling my body up and covering my ears with my hands. I didn't want to hear whatever else I might say out loud. Saying it out loud made it true. And truth was brutal.
The real Max hadn't said a word since the first night. Since he saved my life, twice, and I was ungrateful and yelled at him. He hadn't said anything since I'd asked him if there was anything worse and he said, "Yes."
Yes.
That was the last word he ever said because he never woke up.
"He never woke up."
I shook my head.
"Shut up."
The rest was all my imagination. Every conversation. It was just me.
I rocked back and forth. "Shut up."
It was all me trying to stay sane.
First I shoved his body overboard to save my own life. Then I used him, the memory of him, what little I knew of him, to stay alive.
And when I couldn't do it anymore, when I needed something from him, when I needed him to talk to me, I read his journal. I read his journal and pretended it was him talking to me, telling me his story. And I didn't even know how it ended, would never know, because I'd lost the ditty bag when I came over the reef.
Max probably never even knew my name. He died in the raft with a strange, selfish girl who shoved his body overboard to save herself.
And the truth was I only had myself. The entire time I only had myself.
And where had it gotten me?
I was a starving, thirsty, bleeding mess with one good eye.
There was no one to make me go in that water except myself. And I was too much of a coward. Not brave enough to save myself.
Not brave enough.
Or was I?
forty-eight
Tears blurred my vision and I sobbed so hard my stomach hurt. I wiped my eyes, wincing at the pain when I touched my left one. I sat up.
The yellow suit was still out there, about fifty yards offshore.
I took a deep breath, which came out a racking shudder.
Getting to my feet, I waded into the water, leading with my right side so I could see. I kept going. To my ankles, then my shins, my knees, and my waist. The suit was still a ways off. I looked down at the water.
A drop of blood fell from my nose, just a momentary dark spot in the water before it dispersed and disappeared. Another did the same before I pulled up my shirt and held it to my nose.
With a tentative step, then pause ... step, then pause ... I kept going.
By the time the water reached my chest, I was almost to the suit.
I sensed something to my left and had to turn my whole head to see that side.
Nothing.
But the word popped into my head.
Monster.
"Stop it."
Keeping time with my quick, shallow breaths, my heart pulsed in my ears.
Whoosh whoosh whoosh.
The suit was a mere step away.
Whoosh whoosh whoosh.
But the water was a little cloudy out there. I couldn't tell, for sure, if the depth was the same. But I only had to move a little bit, not even a whole step.
I clenched my fists.
Whoosh whoosh whoosh.
The suit could mean rescue. Salvation. Getting off this stupid island.
I went for it.
The bottom dropped out, and I sank, kicking until I came up sputtering. Lashing out, I hit the suit with a hand. Jerking back at first, I realized it would keep me up. With a hand, I grabbed ahold, and the buoyancy helped me right myself. I took a firmer grip of the arm, trying not to think about what I was holding, and starting kicking for shore.
Again, I sensed something, but this time it was my right side.
Nothing.
Again, the word popped into my head.
Monster.
The waves helped my progress until I was able to touch the bottom and walk again, and I breathed a sigh of relief when the water was finally just a bit above my waist.
"Almost there."
With one hand I dragged the suit behind me as I walked, fighting the waves.
Then suddenly, I was tugged backward and lost my hold on the suit. I turned my back to the shore to grab it again, but the suit was gone. Nowhere in sight.
I froze and stopped breathing.
Bloop!
About five yards away, farther out from the shore, a black boot from the suit popped up. The top of it spun toward me, revealing torn flesh and white pointy shards of bone.
Adrenaline exploded, and the resulting heat flushed through my body as my banging heart felt like it would erupt out my ears.
A dark shadow appeared underwater. The tiger shark surfaced and took the boot in one gulp.
And I couldn't think for the sound, the sound that wouldn't stop. The sound hurt, hurt my ears and my head and my brain.
Screaming.
The sound was me and I couldn't stop it.
Move! Max. Max was telling me to move.
No, there was no Max. Not anymore. It was just me. Me telling myself to move.
Robie, you have to move. But I couldn't.
And then I turned toward shore. Max stood at the water's edge, frantically beckoning to me.
Robie, if you don't move, you will die.
And I did. Move that is, not die. But any moment--
Monster ...
And I was running ...
Grab me ...
splashing ...
Bite me ...
crawling ...
Pull me back in ...
scrambling ...
Chomp me in half like the seal ...
My screams, though becoming ragged, were still so loud they nearly drowned out the heartbeat pounding in my ears.
On the beach, Max still beckoned to me as I clawed my way through the water and didn't stop fighting. Or screaming.
Not even when I reached the sand, dragged myself up away from the water, and collapsed in a shivering heap at his feet.
Pushing myself up, I looked back at the water.
The shark was still there, a dark shadow circling where the suit had been. Looking for more of a meal.
"You monster!" I yelled. "Monster!" My words were choking sobs. "You can't have me! You can't have me..."
And the shadow came closer to shore, so much closer than I ever imagined a shark of that size could come.
Was anywhere safe?
I screamed again, but the scream morphed into a wail and then faded to weak whimpers as I dropped back down and curled myself up in a ball, a wet and shaking ball, as I rocked back and forth.
Max wasn't real. He had never woken up. And I had pushed him off the raft.
I wished I hadn't admitted that to myself. Because I needed him then. I needed him. I couldn't do it alone.
So I brought him back.
"I'm here," he said. He sat beside me and took my head in his lap.
I just needed a few moments of comfort.
Just a few moments.
Then I would let him go.
forty-nine
I didn't expect Max to be there when I opened my eye.
He wasn't real. I was more than aware I'd made him up. I'd made him up to help myself.
I wasn't insane though. At least I didn't think so.
I would save him for when I really needed someone. I would ration him.
The shadow in the water was gone. The monster had vanished.
I breathed out.
Vowing to never step foot in the lagoon again, I stood and went to check if my containers had anything left. One of them had enough so I could have a long drink of the tepid, stale water. I choked it down and tapped the bottom to get every last drop.
The water was gone.
I needed to move and trudged toward the other side of the island. Starbuck was sleeping in the sun when I rounded the corner. I dropped to the sand about ten feet away from her and just lay there, still breathing hard.
I whispered, "I almost died. I almost got eaten by a shark."
Her eyes stayed closed.
I spoke normally, "Starbuck, did you hear what just happened?"
I shook my head. "I'm talking to a seal." Worse than that, I was waiting for her to answer.
And then I felt something bubble up inside. Not more of the sobs that had fueled the tears that had recently dried salty on my cheeks. I couldn't hold back as the laughter exploded, so long and hard I found myself holding my stomach because it hurt. "Oh, my God..." I tried to catch my breath. "I almost got eaten by a shark..." And I laughed some more, until my lips stung and the tears flowed freely and I couldn't even breathe.
I rolled on my back and just looked up at the blue sky, shielding my eyes from the sun with one hand as I let the laughter disperse at last.
Had I lost it? Maybe I had gone insane.
Or maybe I was so on edge that my emotions were all boiling up, getting mixed and gnarled, leaving me with no control over which one would show up next. Or maybe I'd just run out of fear and grief.
Laughter was all that was left.
So, taking a deep breath, I let it out.
When the last guffaw finally faded, I found myself spent, but relaxed, calm even.
Crazy.
A giggle popped out before I could stop it.
Yeah. I was definitely losing it.
I lay there for a while, napping in the sun along with Starbuck. She was definitely skinnier than the first time I saw her. I imagined going cold turkey on her rich diet of mother's milk had been a shock to the system. Sea cucumbers and algae were a weak substitute.
I wished I could help, but I couldn't even feed myself.
The sun was too hot on my skin and I headed slowly back to the raft.
I thought of all the food I'd eaten in my life. All the food I'd wasted in my life. That Happy Meal in Honolulu that ended up on the ground. I didn't even care then, not really. There was always more food. Always.
Not anymore.
There was a lump in my throat. I swallowed to get rid of it, but it stayed.
All the meals my mom made me. My favorites. Her French toast. She dunked day-old bread in a mixture of beaten eggs and vanilla, fried the slices in butter, then sifted powdered sugar on top before drizzling hot maple syrup over the stack.
My chin quivered involuntarily.
Mom's weird pizza. She made whole wheat dough in the bread maker, let it rise, then rolled it out and slathered it with barbecue sauce, chunks of bacon, grilled chicken, cheese, and some drips of ranch dressing.
Tears welled up in my right eye and spilled down my cheek.
I wiped them away with the back of my hand and sighed. I reached the raft and pulled it over me, anything to get out of the brutal sun.
Clack! Clack! Clack!
One of the few remaining albatross chicks stood a few feet away, warning me not to get too close. I couldn't really tell, but he seemed like a male to me. "Hey, you walked over to me, buddy."
Clack! Clack!
"You should fly away. There's nothing left here for you."
If he didn't leave soon, he would die here. Like all the other carcasses scattered around the island. I tried to imagine his dilemma. Do you wait for your parents to show up one last time with food? And if you do wait, how long? Hunger is a powerful feeling that has been sending albatross chicks on their first journey since forever. But wait one day too many and you'll be too weak to fly.
I could empathize with that.
"How long since you ate?"
His dark eyes sparkled, and the brilliant black under them made him look wise. His new adult feathers ruffled in the wind, the last bit of silvery baby fluff barely clinging to the top of his snow-white head. He spread his wings, catching the breeze and floating a few feet off the ground before landing again with another clack!
