The essential peter s be.., p.20
The Essential Peter S. Beagle, Volume 1, page 20
Again the dybbuk was slow to reply. Aunt Rifke said hotly, “What is this? What help? We’re here to expel, to get rid of a demon that’s taken over one of God’s angels, if that’s what she really is, and enchanted my husband so it’s all he can paint, all he can think about painting. Who’s talking about helping a demon?”
“The rabbi is,” I said, and they all turned as though they’d forgotten I was there. I gulped and stumbled along, feeling like I might throw up. I said, “I don’t think it’s a demon, but even if it is, it’s given Uncle Chaim a chance to paint a real angel, and everybody loves the paintings, and they buy them, which we wouldn’t have had them to sell if the—the thing—hadn’t made her stay in Uncle Chaim’s studio.” I ran out of breath, gas, and show-business ambitions all at pretty much the same time, and sat down, grateful that I had neither puked nor started to cry. I was still grandly capable of both back then.
Aunt Rifke looked at me in a way I didn’t recall her ever doing before. She didn’t say anything, but her arm tightened around me. Rabbi Shulevitz said quietly, “Thank you, David.” He turned back to face the angel. In the same voice, he said, “Please. Tell me.”
When the dybbuk spoke again, the words came one by one—two by two, at most. “A girl . . .There was a girl . . . a young woman . . .”
“Ai, how not?” Aunt Rifke’s sigh was resigned, but not angry or mocking, just as Uncle Chaim’s. “Shah, Rifkela” was a neither a dismissal nor an order. The rabbi, in turn, gestured them to silence.
“She wanted us to marry,” the dybbuk said. “I did too. But there was time. There was a world. . . there was my work. . . there were things to see. . . to taste and smell and do and be. . . It could wait a little. She could wait. . .”
“Uh-huh. Of course. You could die waiting around for some damn man!”
“Shah, Rifkela!”
“But this one did not wait around,” Rabbi Shulevitz said to the dybbuk. “She did not wait for you, am I right?”
“She married another man,” came the reply, and it seemed to my ten-year-old imagination that every tortured syllable came away tinged with blood. “They had been married for two years when he beat her to death.”
It was my Uncle Chaim who gasped in shock. I don’t think anyone else made a sound.
The dybbuk said, “She sent me a message. I came as fast as I could. I did come,” though no one had challenged his statement. “But it was too late.”
This time we were the ones who did not speak for a long time. Rabbi Shulevitz finally asked, “What did you do?”
“I looked for him. I meant to kill him, but he killed himself before I found him. So I was too late again.”
“What happened then?” That was me, once more to my own surprise. “When you didn’t get to kill him?”
“I lived. I wanted to die, but I lived.”
From Aunt Rifke—how not? “You ever got married?”
“No. I lived alone, and I grew old and died. That is all.”
“Excuse me, but that is not all.” The rabbi’s voice had suddenly, startlingly, turned probing, almost harsh. “That is only the beginning.” Everyone looked at him. The rabbi said, “So, after you died, what did happen? Where did you go?”
There was no answer. Rabbi Shulevitz repeated the question. The dybbuk responded finally, “You have said it yourself. Houseless in the universe I am, and how should it be otherwise? The woman I loved died because I did not love her enough—what greater sin is there than that? Even her murderer had the courage to atone, but I dared not offer my own life in payment for hers. I chose to live, and living on has been my punishment, in death as well as in life. To wander back and forth in a cold you cannot know, shunned by heaven, scorned by purgatory . . . do you wonder that I sought shelter where I could, even in an angel? God himself would have to come and cast me out again, Rabbi—you never can.”
I became aware that my aunt and uncle had drawn close around me, as though expecting something dangerous and possibly explosive to happen. Rabbi Shulevitz took off his glasses again, ran his hand through his crewcut, stared at the glasses as though he had never seen them before, and put them back on.
“You are right,” he said to the dybbuk. “I’m a rabbi, not a rebbe—no Solomonic wisdom, no magical powers, just a degree from a second-class seminary in Metuchen, New Jersey. You wouldn’t know it.” He drew a deep breath and moved a few steps closer to the blue angel. He said, “But this gornisht rabbi knows anyway that you would never have been allowed this refuge if God had not taken pity on you. You must know this, surely?” The dybbuk did not answer. Rabbi Shulevitz said, “And if God pities you, might you not have a little pity on yourself? A little forgiveness?”
“Forgiveness . . .” Now it was the dybbuk who whispered. “Forgiveness may be God’s business. It is not mine.”
“Forgiveness is everyone’s business. Even the dead. On this earth or under it, there is no peace without forgiveness.” The rabbi reached out then, to touch the blue angel comfortingly. She did not react, but he winced and drew his hand back instantly, blowing hard on his fingers, hitting them against his leg. Even I could see that they had turned white with cold.
“You need not fear for her,” the dybbuk said. “Angels feel neither cold nor heat. You have touched where I have been.”
Rabbi Shulevitz shook his head. He said, “I touched you. I touched your shame and your grief—as raw today, I know, as on the day your love died. But the cold . . . the cold is yours. The loneliness, the endless guilt over what you should have done, the endless turning to and fro in empty darkness . . . none of that comes from God. You must believe me, my friend.” He paused, still flexing his frozen fingers. “And you must come forth from God’s angel now. For her sake and your own.”
The dybbuk did not respond. Aunt Rifke said, far more sympathetically than she had before, “You need a minyan, I could make some calls. We’d be careful, we wouldn’t hurt it.”
Uncle Chaim looked from her to the rabbi, then back to the blue angel. He opened his mouth to say something, but didn’t.
The rabbi said, “You have suffered enough at your own hands. It is time for you to surrender your pain.” When there was still no reply, he asked, “Are you afraid to be without it? Is that your real fear?”
“It has been my only friend!” the dybbuk answered at last. “Even God cannot understand what I have done so well as my pain does. Without the pain, there is only me.”
“There is heaven,” Rabbi Shulevitz said. “Heaven is waiting for you. Heaven has been waiting a long, long time.”
“I am waiting for me!” It burst out of the dybbuk in a long wail of purest terror, the kind you only hear from small children trapped in a nightmare. “You want me to abandon the one sanctuary I have ever found, where I can huddle warm in the consciousness of an angel and sometimes—for a little—even forget the thing I am. You want me to be naked to myself again, and I am telling you no, not ever, not ever, not ever. Do what you must, Rabbi, and I will do the only thing I can.” It paused, and then added, somewhat stiffly, “Thank you for your efforts. You are a good man.”
Rabbi Shulevitz looked genuinely embarrassed. He also looked weary, frustrated, and older than he had been when he first recognized the possession of Uncle Chaim’s angel. Looking vaguely around at us, he said, “I don’t know—maybe it will take a minyan. I don’t want to, but we can’t just . . .” His voice trailed away sadly, too defeated even to finish the sentence.
Or maybe he didn’t finish because that was when I stepped forward, pulling away from my aunt and uncle, and said, “He can come with me, if he wants. He can come and live in me. Like with the angel.”
Uncle Chaim said, “What?” and Aunt Rifke said, “No!” and Rabbi Shulevitz said, “David!” He turned and grabbed me by the shoulders, and I could feel him wanting to shake me, but he didn’t. He seemed to be having trouble breathing. He said, “David, you don’t know what you’re saying.”
“Yes, I do,” I said. “He’s scared, he’s so scared. I know about scared.”
Aunt Rifke crouched down beside me, peering hard into my face. “David, you’re ten years old, you’re a little boy. This one, he could be a thousand years, he’s been hiding from God in an angel’s body. How could you know what he’s feeling?”
I said, “Aunt Rifke, I go to school. I wake up every morning, and right away I think about the boys waiting to beat me up because I’m small, or because I’m Jewish, or because they just don’t like my face, the way I look at them. Every day I want to stay home and read, and listen to the radio, and play my All-Star Baseball game, but I get dressed and I eat breakfast, and I walk to school. And every day I have to think how I’m going to get through recess, get through gym class, get home without running into Jay Taffer, George DiLucca. Billy Kronish. I know all about not wanting to go outside.”
Nobody said anything. The rabbi tried several times, but it was Uncle Chaim who finally said loudly, “I got to teach you to box. A little Archie Moore, a little Willie Pep, we’ll take care of those mamzers.” He looked ready to give me my first lesson right there.
When the dybbuk spoke again, its voice was somehow different: quiet, slow, wondering. It said, “Boy, you would do that?” I didn’t speak, but I nodded.
Aunt Rifke said, “Your mother would kill me! She’s hated me since I married Chaim.”
The dybbuk said, “Boy, if I come . . . outside, I cannot go back. Do you understand that?”
“Yes,” I said. “I understand.”
But I was shaking. I tried to imagine what it would be like to have someone living inside me, like a baby, or a tapeworm. I was fascinated by tapeworms that year. Only this would be a spirit, not an actual physical thing—that wouldn’t be so bad, would it? It might even be company, in a way, almost like being a comic-book superhero and having a secret identity. I wondered whether the angel had even known the dybbuk was in her, as quiet as he had been until he spoke to Rabbi Shulevitz. Who, at the moment, was repeating over and over, “No, I can’t permit this. This is wrong, this can’t be allowed. No.” He began to mutter prayers in Hebrew.
Aunt Rifke was saying, “I don’t care, I’m calling some people from the shul, I’m getting some people down here right away!” Uncle Chaim was gripping my shoulder so hard it hurt, but he didn’t say anything. But there was really no one in the room except the dybbuk and me. When I think about it, when I remember, that’s all I see.
I remember being thirsty, terribly thirsty, because my throat and my mouth were so dry. I pulled away from Uncle Chaim and Aunt Rifke, and I moved past Rabbi Shulevitz, and I croaked out to the dybbuk, “Come on, then. You can come out of the angel, it’s safe, it’s okay.” I remember thinking that it was like trying to talk a cat down out of a tree, and I almost giggled.
I never saw him actually leave the blue angel. I don’t think anyone did. He was simply standing right in front of me, tall enough that I had to look up to meet his eyes. Maybe he wasn’t a thousand years old, but Aunt Rifke hadn’t missed by much. It wasn’t his clothes that told me—he wore a white turban that looked almost square, a dark-red vest sort of thing and white trousers, under a gray robe that came all the way to the ground—it was the eyes. If blackness is the absence of light, then those were the blackest eyes I’ll ever see, because there was no light in those eyes, and no smallest possibility of light ever. You couldn’t call them sad: sad at least knows what joy is, and grieves at being exiled from joy. However old he really was, those eyes were a thousand years past sad.
“Sephardi,” Rabbi Shulevitz murmured. “Of course he’d be Sephardi.”
Aunt Rifke said, “You can see through him. Right through.”
In fact he seemed to come and go: near-solid one moment, cobweb and smoke the next. His face was lean and dark, and must have been a proud face once. Now it was just weary, unspeakably weary—even a ten-year-old could see that. The lines down his cheeks and around the eyes and mouth made me think of desert pictures I’d seen, where the earth gets so dry that it pulls apart, cracks and pulls away from itself. He looked like that.
But he smiled at me. No, he smiled into me, and just as I’ve never seen eyes like his again, I’ve never seen a smile as beautiful. Maybe it couldn’t reach his eyes, but it must have reached mine, because I can still see it. He said softly, “Thank you. You are a kind boy. I promise you, I will not take up much room.”
I braced myself. The only invasive procedures I’d had any experience with then were my twice-monthly allergy shots and the time our doctor had to lance an infected finger that had swollen to twice its size. Would possession be anything like that? Would it make a difference if you were sort of inviting the possession, not being ambushed and taken over, like in Invasion of the Body Snatchers? I didn’t mean to close my eyes, but I did.
Then I heard the voice of the blue angel.
“There is no need.” It sounded like the voice I knew, but the breath in it was different—I don’t know how else to put it. I could say it sounded stronger, or clearer, or maybe more musical; but it was the breath, the free breath. Or maybe that isn’t right either, I can’t tell you—I’m not even certain whether angels breathe, and I knew an angel once. There it is.
“Manassa, there is no need,” she said again. I turned to look at her then, when she called the dybbuk by his name, and she was smiling herself, for the first time. It wasn’t like his; it was a faraway smile at something I couldn’t see, but it was real, and I heard Uncle Chaim catch his breath. To no one in particular, he said, “Now she smiles. Never once, I could never once get her to smile.”
“Listen,” the blue angel said. I didn’t hear anything but my uncle grumbling, and Rabbi Shulevitz’s continued Hebrew prayers. But the dybbuk—Manassa—lifted his head, and the endlessly black eyes widened, just a little.
The angel said again, “Listen,” and this time I did hear something, and so did everyone else. It was music, definitely music, but too faint with distance for me to make anything out of it. But Aunt Rifke, who loved more kinds of music than you’d think, put her hand to her mouth and whispered, “Oh.”
“Manassa, listen,” the angel said for the third time, and the two of them looked at each other as the music grew stronger and clearer. I can’t describe it properly: it wasn’t harps and psalteries—whatever a psaltery is, maybe you use it singing psalms—and it wasn’t a choir of soaring heavenly voices, either. It was almost a little scary, the way you feel when you hear the wild geese passing over in the autumn night. It made me think of that poem of Tennyson’s, with that line about the horns of Elfland faintly blowing. We’d been studying it in school.
“It is your welcome, Manassa,” the blue angel said. “The gates are open for you. They were always open.”
But the dybbuk backed away, suddenly whimpering. “I cannot! I am afraid! They will see!”
The angel took his hand. “They see now, as they saw you then. Come with me, I will take you there.”
The dybbuk looked around, just this side of panicking. He even tugged a bit at the blue angel’s hand, but she would not let him go. Finally he sighed very deeply—lord, you could feel the dust of the tombs in that sigh, and the wind between the stars—and nodded to her. He said, “I will go with you.”
The blue angel turned to look at all of us, but mostly at Uncle Chaim. She said to him, “You are a better painter than I was a muse. And you taught me a great deal about other things than painting. I will tell Rembrandt.”
Aunt Rifke said, a little hesitantly, “I was maybe rude. I’m sorry.” The angel smiled at her.
Rabbi Shulevitz said, “Only when I saw you did I realize that I had never believed in angels.”
“Continue not to,” the angel replied. “We rather prefer it, to tell you the truth. We work better that way.”
Then she and the dybbuk both looked at me, and I didn’t feel even ten years old; more like four or so. I threw my arms around Aunt Rifke and buried my face in her skirt. She patted my head—at least I guess it was her, I didn’t actually see her. I heard the blue angel say in Yiddish, “Sei gesund, Chaim’s Duvidl. You were always courteous to me. Be well.”
I looked up in time to meet the old, old eyes of the dybbuk. He said, “In a thousand years, no one has ever offered me freely what you did.” He said something else, too, but it wasn’t in either Hebrew or Yiddish, and I didn’t understand.
The blue angel spread her splendid, shimmering wings one last time, filling the studio—as, for a moment, the mean winter sky outside seemed to flare with a sunset hope that could not have been. Then she and Manassa, the dybbuk, were gone, vanished instantly, which makes me think that the wings aren’t really for flying. I don’t know what other purpose they could serve, except they did seem somehow to enfold us all and hold us close. But maybe they’re just really decorative. I’ll never know now.
Uncle Chaim blew out his breath in one long, exasperated sigh. He said to Aunt Rifke, “I never did get her right. You know that.”
I was trying to hear the music, but Aunt Rifke was busy hugging me, and kissing me all over my face, and telling me not ever, ever to do such a thing again, what was I thinking? But she smiled up at Uncle Chaim and answered him, “Well, she got you right, that’s what matters.” Uncle Chaim blinked at her. Aunt Rifke said, “She’s probably telling Rembrandt about you right now. Maybe Vermeer, too.”
“You think so?” Uncle Chaim looked doubtful at first, but then he shrugged and began to smile himself. “Could be.”
I asked Rabbi Shulevitz, “He said something to me, the dybbuk, just at the end. I didn’t understand.”
The rabbi put his arm around me. “He was speaking in old Ladino, the language of the Sephardim. He said, ‘I will not forget you.’” His smile was a little shaky, and I could feel him trembling himself, with everything over. “I think you have a friend in heaven, David. Extraordinary Duvidl.”
The music was gone. We stood together in the studio, and although there were four of us, it felt as empty as the winter street beyond the window where the blue angel had posed so often. A taxi took the corner too fast, and almost hit a truck; a cloud bank was pearly with the moon’s muffled light. A group of young women crossed the street, singing. I could feel everyone wanting to move away, but nobody did, and nobody spoke, until Uncle Chaim finally said, “Rabbi, you got time for a sitting tomorrow? Don’t wear that suit.”
