Vulnerable voices, p.1
Vulnerable Voices, page 1
First published in Great Britain in 2022 by
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Copyright © 2022 Owen B Lewis
The right of Owen B Lewis to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, transmitted, or stored in a retrieval system, in any form or by any means, without permission in writing from the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
This work is entirely fictitious and bears no resemblance to any persons living or dead.
ISBN 9781915603418
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
To all the friends I made when I worked in care.
Too many to name but you know who you are.
Thanks for the memories!
Contents
Pizza
Hands
Blood
Benevolent
Phoenix
Clock
Surprise
Future
Toilet
Balloons
Gig
Wanted
Ink
Therapy
Hub
Egg
Skateboard
Kettle
Tits
Sugar
Rocks
Thatcher
Ben
Corridor
Rick
Factual
Pumpkin
Snow
Performance
Boys
Sonia
Queen
Killer
Dancing
Magnificence
Oil
Hopeless
Rachel
Radio
Cut
Asthma
Ponchos
Aunty
Massage
Pride
Underpants
Girl
Shoes
Confidential
Strictly
Stupid
Joel
Carrot
Faggot
Present
Mistletoe
Vulnerable
Chicken
Congratulations
Chimney
Nathan
Umbrella
Patient
Heat
Infectious
Teardrop
Ghost
Murder
Funeral
Happy
Remission
Funny man
Nature
Book club questions
Acknowledgments
Pizza
Number three, Bower Road. The snow is falling down but not as heavily as it has been. I have to cycle slowly so I won’t skid on the icy ground.
Once I reach the house, I ring the doorbell and wait. No one answers for a while. If they don’t come to fetch it, I might just open the box and eat the pizza myself. That would at least warm me up.
But just as I’m about to make that thought a reality, the door opens. I recognise her immediately, even though it’s been five years. There’s no mistaking those glasses. It’s Kim. I had no idea she lived here.
‘Ellis!’ she says in amazement.
I hand over the pizza and don’t say anything.
‘How are you keeping?’ she says. ‘It’s great to see you. What are you doing these days?’
‘Well… this,’ I say, pointing to my bike and the pizza boxes. Kim tries to hide her surprise that after all this time, I’m just a pizza boy.
I want to ask Kim if she ever thinks about him. I’m sure she does. But I can’t bring myself to ask. Instead, I just ask her about the Hub. Is she still there; is everyone alright?
‘Yes, still there,’ she says. ‘Everyone still talks about you, Ellis. It’d be good if you came to visit, but I’ll understand if you don’t.’
She smiles sweetly, and I attempt a smile back. She closes the door and I get back on my bike. Heading to my next destination. Number twenty-nine, Archie Street.
There’s a man on the kerb. Worn and ripped clothes, and a long shaggy beard that doesn’t look like it’s been washed for years. He’s homeless. I cycle past, then change my mind. I turn around, coming close to him. He looks up, dazed.
‘Take this.’ I smile.
He looks unsure at first, but I insist. He eventually takes the pizza box from me and opens it.
‘Thank you, kind sir,’ he says.
‘Enjoy,’ I say.
Then I cycle on, thinking what story I’ll tell. I could just say it fell off, the box opened and the pizza splattered onto the road. Then they’ll have to quickly make up a new one for the people at Archie Street.
Yeah, that will do. It’s happened to me before. I guess I can’t stop caring for the vulnerable, even if I try.
Hands
The next morning, I sleep in until nearly midday. After a quick shower, I go to pick up Jessica.
Rochelle answers the door and stares at me with hatred. I smile nervously, ask her if she wants me to come inside to help.
‘Jessica!’ she shouts. ‘He’s here!’
Her mam turns and trots down the hallway, disappearing into one of the rooms.
From a different archway, Jessica appears, her dad gripping her waist, encouraging her to the door.
‘Hello, Ellis,’ her father says.
‘Hiya, Andy, hiya, Jessica,’ I say.
‘You take good care of her.’ He smiles.
‘I always do.’
‘That’s true. Where are you going today?’
‘I thought we’d go for lunch at Nando’s.’
‘She will like that.’
‘I will.’ Jessica smiles.
Jessica doesn’t usually talk very much, especially with lots of people around. I beam at her, but my eyes are bursting to explode with tears. Every time she speaks I feel like this. She never used to be like that, so when she does find her voice I pray she won’t stop, and that wonderful girl would reappear. I miss the days when I wished she would shut up. Now I wish she would talk forever.
‘Sorry about Rochelle,’ Andy says.
‘Please, you don’t need to apologise every time. I get it,’ I say.
‘I know, I just feel bad. You do a lot for our Jessica. I hope you know I don’t think any of this is your fault, Ellis. You’re a good guy.’
‘Thank you,’ I say.
I gently put my arm around Jessica as I help her out the door and down the steps. When we get out of the gate and onto the street, I wave goodbye to Andy and walk with Jessica through the snow.
*
I order her favourite meal, chicken nuggets and fries, and a halloumi wrap for myself. As we wait for our food I watch her, and suddenly feel like I’m falling back in time. Our first date was just like this. I remember I was a lot more nervous than she was. That’s the only difference to now, really, apart from the fact we are much older and I’m a vegetarian.
Making conversation with Jessica can be quite difficult. I just smile at her, talk about my week, how despite not having been up to much it was a better week than most. I don’t mention Kim. I think Jessica only met her once, and she probably wouldn’t really remember who she was.
There is a song playing in the background. I couldn’t quite hear it at first but then I realised. It’s ‘Heaven Is a Halfpipe’. I love that song for many reasons.
When our food arrives, I help her pick up her knife and fork. I can feel her arms shake. I guess being a carer never truly leaves you. I never made it into that profession, but it probably isn’t that far away from this.
I move my hands away for a second, but she’s struggling to cut up her food, so I gently put my hands on top of hers. I look at her and smile. She smiles back, but her eyes look sad. I help her, pressing onto her hands, guiding her but also giving her a sense of independence as she pushes her knife and fork into her food and eventually places it into her mouth of her own accord.
She has her better days. I do see improvements, but days like this would break my heart if it weren’t already broken. Before this, she was so independent, so full of potential that it hurts to see her like this. It’s not fair at all. I pray that one day she will get fully better, because she had so many hopes and dreams, and I’m scared she will never pursue them. All her confidence has gone, faded. But then, Sonia got a lot better. Could Jessica do the same?
Blood
When I get home, I fling the keys on the side and walk into the living room. Zoe’s sat on the sofa, watching Orange Is the New Black.
‘What you been up to?’ she asks.
&nbs p; ‘Just went out for lunch, then had a walk.’
‘I could make something for tea if you like?’
‘It’s fine,’ I say. ‘I’ll get a takeaway or something after my shift.’
‘So, did you just go out on your own then?’
‘Yeah,’ I say.
I sit down next to her, gazing at the telly but not really taking in what’s happening. I fold my arms and let out a sigh.
‘What’s wrong?’ Zoe asks.
‘Sorry, I’ll go next door.’
‘No, it’s okay. I’m not really concentrating, just have it on for background noise.’
She has her laptop on her knees. I glance at the screen. There is a series of very complicated diagrams on it. Zoe is doing a presentation at a big conference next week, and she’s always complaining that she’s falling behind. I bet she’s exaggerating. That girl is always on top of things. And anyway, if she’s falling behind, then what does that say about me? Sometimes I wonder if I should even bother to get up.
I head to the kitchen.
‘I thought you weren’t eating until later?’ Zoe calls out.
‘Just getting a drink. Something strong.’
‘Okay. By the way, are you working tomorrow?’
‘Yes.’
‘Oh, that’s a shame.’
‘Why?’
‘I was invited to a last-minute get-together, wondered if you wanted to come.’
‘I don’t socialise.’
‘But you should, Ellis. It’s not good to keep yourself distant.’
I don’t bother to respond. I get the wine out of the cupboard and pour myself a glass.
It’s alright for Zoe to socialise. She actually has something interesting to talk about. She’s two years younger than me and is a scientist – I’m not entirely sure what kind. Every day she has something to work on and people to talk to.
I swig the drink down in one, then I bang down the glass harder than I was expecting to. The glass shatters and cuts my skin. My hand starts to bleed.
I must have cried out because Zoe runs in to see what’s happened. She quickly gets some kitchen towel and covers it around my hand. Then she collects the glass with a dustpan and brush and chucks them away into the bin.
Then she places her arms around me as I shake in terror. Blood. I hate the sight of it. I always have done, but not to the level I do since that day. That horrible, horrible day.
Benevolent
There was a fire, and after that my life was never the same again.
It happened five years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. That’s two clichés already, but the ironic thing is that what happened that day was not a cliché at all. Far from it. No one would have expected that the house would have gone up in flames, but it did. Nathan thought I did it, but I said that I didn’t. I believed what I said, but after all, Nathan was always right.
Before I knew Nathan, Jessica and I had been dating for two years. We met in sixth form in our chemistry class. It all started when she approached the stool next to me on the first day of sixth form and said, ‘You got room for a little one?’ Which was strange, because she was actually bigger than me. We’d been at the same school since Year 7, but we didn’t know each other back then. I guess we must have been put in different teaching groups at the time and never passed each other in the hallways up until that point.
After our last exam she told me to meet her on the Stray late at night. She didn’t say why; it was all very mysterious. Making me wonder preposterous things about why she wanted to meet me there, but as I walked onto the grass, I just assumed there was no special reason. We were in a relationship; of course she wanted to meet up with me. There didn’t have to be a reason.
I saw her waiting for me from a distance, standing by a tree. She was wearing her favourite dress – pale purple, like the flowers around her feet. Although it was night, I could tell it was that dress. Her emerald eyes were staring at me and the colour on the dress was reappearing as my eyes adjusted to the dark.
‘Hello, Ellis,’ she said. She came across as though she had rehearsed what she was about to say, although I couldn’t think why. I didn’t like to ask. I just smiled and leaned in for a kiss. She stepped away.
‘Is everything alright?’ I asked.
‘Can we walk?’
‘Sure.’
We walked further along the Stray and down into town. She didn’t say much, which was unusual because she normally talked nineteen to the dozen. We walked past shops and trees, then down a slope that led us past more shops and a hotel. We ended up in Valley Gardens, where we passed more trees and flowers. She stopped walking when we stepped onto the stone floor of the Sun Pavilion. This was the place we went on our first date, after our meal at Nando’s.
Jessica got down on one knee and I thought, Is she really going to do what I think she is going to do? She was always in favour of girls doing things like that. I looked down and it turned out she was just tying up her Converse shoes. She got up, and again, she just looked at me.
‘Thought you were going to propose to me then for a second,’ I said, half-jokily.
‘Ellis, I am moving to Bath.’ Her face was inexpressive when she said this.
‘Bath? What, why?’
‘Because I got accepted there to do a BA in Contemporary Circus.’
‘Contemporary Circus?’
‘Yes, it’s like a sort of theatre course.’
‘But I thought we agreed we weren’t going to do further education.’
‘I know, but this course came up, and it looked a lot of fun.’
‘Right, well, that’s great. I guess I will have to start looking for jobs in Bath then.’
‘There’s no need.’
‘Why?’
‘Because, well… Ellis, you don’t need to come with me.’
‘But I am your boyfriend.’
She sighed. ‘I’m breaking up with you.’
‘But why?’
She looked at the ground and then across to the other side of the garden towards a late-night jogger with a little dog chasing behind. She then looked straight back at me, an expression like she was juggling thoughts instead of balls.
‘What is it? Jessica, have I done something wrong?’
Her body suddenly stood still and her eyes were full of repentance. She seemed herself at last. ‘You haven’t done anything wrong.’
‘Then what is it you’re trying to say?’
‘Ellis, what we had… it was fun. I enjoyed it, but we are getting older. It won’t be long till we’re both eighteen and we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us.’
‘Yes, and…’
She sighed with irritation and started to walk around in circles.
‘Jessica, please just tell me what the problem is.’
She stopped wandering around. ‘Ellis, I want a fresh start. I will be going to university after this summer, and I want everything to be brand new. New city, new flat, new friends and new—’
‘Boyfriend,’ I said, finishing her sentence for her.
Her eyes became repentant again. She didn’t say anything.
‘I thought we were in love,’ I said.
‘No, it wasn’t love, Ellis.’
‘Then what was it?’
‘It was a relationship, but it wasn’t love. Love is found later in life, after you explore the world and get to understand yourself.’
‘Right,’ I said. I didn’t know what else to say at the time. I loved Jessica, and I’d thought she loved me. How did I miss that?
‘So you’re breaking up with me?’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘But I thought we were perfect for each other.’
‘No. We have some similarities and interests, but that isn’t love, Ellis.’
‘Then what is love?’
‘You know it when it hits you.’
But I did know. Why was she talking to me as if she understood my feelings better than I did?
‘Ellis,’ she said. She placed her hand on my cheek. ‘You’re a kind-hearted person. In fact, in Welsh your name means “benevolent”.’ (Where was she going with this?) ‘You will find someone who will fall in love with you, but it isn’t me. I have short hair and flat breasts and I like JLS. That’s the wrong reasons to love a girl, Ellis. You got to find someone to fall in love with for the right reasons.’
