I am going to make you forget, Mary. Maybe not forever, but days and weeks then months and years will pass that you will wake up and smile, knowing there was something that brought you to this place in your life, but its significance is lost; something bigger shadows over it. Our story is not your past; it is our future. It’s fucking bright, too.

  Reading what I have written is mind boggling. I mean, is this really me? The answer is a clear yes. A cloudless sky yes. Do you see it? Did you feel it? More importantly, do you still feel it?

  I know you do.

  I know it’s selfish, but there is no way possible to wake you up and say goodbye. I never want to say those words to you. Never. Forgive me.

  Love is a fairytale, fiction, something I have never received. You asked me if I was in love with you last night, and you scared the fuck out of me. When I get home. I will go into further detail. But for now, know that I feel and see forever in you, in me, in us.

  I thanked God for the first time in my life today. I thanked Him for you.

  Me, you, us, forever,

  Jeb

  The Morning After

  Mary

  To say I cried myself to sleep would be like saying a homeless person on the streets of New York in January was a little chilly.

  It was not all sadness; there was some joy. I read his letter at 12:01 a.m. I just couldn’t hold off anymore.

  Renee called twice, and for each call, I had to message a response to her after I didn’t pick up. I told her I was fine and would see her tomorrow, which is today.

  My phone rings, and I grab it off the charger. “Hello?”

  “Hey.”

  “Oh, hi, Renee.”

  “Wow, you sound totally underwhelmed to hear my voice.”

  “Sorry. I just have a lot on my mind.”

  “Like moving out without telling me?” she asks.

  “You’re supposed to move with me. I just couldn’t talk.”

  “Is that why I’m all packed up, and a couple of Irons’ goons are here?”

  “They packed you?” I can’t help being surprised.

  “Yep. While I worried about you last night, I went and stayed at a hotel.”

  “You could have come here,” I say, reaching down to pet Shady.

  “Here?”

  “Oh, well, Shadows’ place is empty, and he needed a dog sitter.” Grrr, how do I even explain this? “I want you here.”

  “I’m pretty sure that’s where I’m coming, like it or not,” she grumbles.

  “Renee, when you see the kitchen, you’ll love it.”

  “Promise?”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  ***

  Twenty minutes later, a truck pulls up, and Renee jumps out. Then two men start unloading her things from the back.

  “Be careful with my stuff,” she says over her shoulder as she walks toward the house.

  I stand at the front door, holding Shady’s collar.

  “That’s a fucking dog? It looks like a damn horse.” She looks appalled.

  As soon as her things are unloaded and she has looked over the place and admired the kitchen, we are directed out to the waiting Town Car.

  “Riding in style, dog,” Renee says, looking at Shady who seems to be trying to decide if she likes her or not.

  Renee looks at me and says, “Let’s hear it.”

  I nod to the men in the front seat then shake my head.

  “Later?”

  I nod.

  “You look exhausted. Hell, even the dog looks exhausted.”

  I look down at Shady who’s resting her head on my lap. “I think it’s hard on her when he leaves.”

  “I kind of figured.” She pats my leg. “Get some sleep. I want answers.”

  I wake up when we drive up the bumpy driveway.

  The only vehicle here is Jax and Frankie’s. I am relieved that the rest of the crew hasn’t arrived yet.

  Frankie opens the front door and waves. “Welcome back.”

  When we get inside, she gives us both a hug and smiles at me. “You should head into Jax’s office.”

  “Is something wrong?”

  She shakes her head. “When you’re done, we dish.”

  Knowing she knows, I take a deep breath and prepare myself for whatever Jaxson Irons is about to say to me.

  “Go.” She laughs.

  I walk up the stairs and down the hall. I hear Jaxson laugh as I knock lightly on the door.

  “Just a minute,” he calls out then says, “Come in, Mary.”

  I open the door to find him leaning against his desk.

  “Hi, Jaxson.”

  “Hello, Mary. Hey, Shady.”

  Shady runs to him and skids to a stop. I was sure she was going to take him out, which normally would not have been a fear, but he’s on crutches.

  “I’ll give you a minute. Have a seat at my desk.”

  “Give me a minute for?” I ask, confused.

  “Get your ass over here,” I hear Shadows’ voice and know Jaxson can see my face light up.

  “Come on, Shady,” Jax says as he makes his way out of the office.

  “Mary, I’m short on time. Get over here.”

  I quickly walk to Jax’s desk, and on his computer screen is Shadows, and he is smiling.

  He’s wearing a Navy T-shirt and looks much more rested than he did yesterday.

  “Jesus, Mary, have you slept?” he asks, leaning in.

  I nod.

  “Bullshit. Why aren’t you sleeping?”

  “I lied to Frankie...and to Renee.” I look up. “And I’m worried about you.”

  “They’ll understand, but I’m gonna let you know, I’m pretty sure Frankie knows.”

  “Did you tell her?” I ask in confusion.

  “No, promised I wouldn’t. But she knows you’re acting funny, and she chewed me out.”

  “What did she say?”

  “I’m sure she will let you know. I don’t have much time. Tell me how much you miss me already.”

  I sigh and shake my head. “What makes you think I do?”

  “Fine, play it that way, but I miss the hell out of you.”

  I feel a smile start to make its way to my face.

  “I miss you, too.”

  “I know you do. Now tell me,” he leans in and whispers. “Does your pussy still ache?”

  I gasp. “Are you being serious right now?”

  “Hell yes, I am. I wanna know you still feel me, because if you don’t, next time, I will make damn sure you don’t walk for a week.”

  “A week? Is that how long you’ll be gone?” I ask the question that is most weighing on my mind.

  “Longer, but not much. The mission’s well underway.” He looks around and leans in. “Quick and easy commercial flight.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  “Little lamb, I can’t.”

  “Commercial flight,” I say, strumming my fingers on the desk. “Oh, like picking up passengers?”

  “Can’t tell you.” He laughs then nods. He leans back in his chair. “How’s your belly? Did I leave a bruise?” he asks, rubbing his own belly.

  “You have a problem, you know.” I laugh.

  “Caused by one little lamb.” He winks then leans forward. “I’m going on two days without a shower.”

  “They don’t let you shower?”

  “They do, but I still smell like you. I’ve decided I am not going to shower until I get home to you.”

  “That’s disgusting.” I laugh.

  “Did you change the bed sheets?”

  “No,” I admit.

  “They still smell like me?”

  I nod.

  He winks. “Not disgusting at all.”

  I hear a bell, and he looks up. “Mary, I have to get going. I’ll be home for dinner. What are you making?”

  I have no idea what comes over me, but I lift my shirt and flash the screen my bra. “That.”

  “You’re gonna get me hard on a ship full of men.” He sighs. “I’ll be home for dinner.”

  “I’ll be waiting.”

  “I know you will, Mary. I know you will.”

  Head In The Clouds

  Shadows

  My head has been in the clouds figuratively these past two days, Mary. Christ, I am so pissed I wasted so much time wanting her, but now...I have her and you bet your ass I’ll be having her over and over again as soon as I return to the carrier I am flying above now.

  “It’s a good day for an extraction,” Titan’s voice booms through the earpiece.

  “It’s also a good day to get shit done. The quicker we do, the quicker we’re home,” I say without letting on that I now have a reason to get home for the first time in my life.

  “You should have waited Shadows,” Titan says.

  “Waited?” I’m confused.

  “The slaughter.”

  “Don’t have a damn clue as to what you’re talking about,” I snicker to myself.

  “When a man doesn’t shower, for three fucking days we know he’s in a world of shit or savoring something. You aren’t in a world of shit.”

  All I can do is laugh.

  “You won’t be laughing when Irons gets word,” he warns.

  “He got more than word, and he’s just fine,” I laugh.

  “Yeah right now he has no choice—”

  “Head in the clouds man, head in the clouds,” I tell him.

  “Better clouds than ass, keep that in mind,” he squawks.

  “I’m 110% here. Let’s get in, get out, and get home.”

  “Let’s do it,” he says.

  “Party is in thirty minutes. We need some party music,” I tell him.

  “No, no fucking party music, man.”

  “Oh yeah, party music!”

  “Shadows, no. Don’t do it! It’s against policy!”

  I laugh to myself. “Policy man? Fuck that.”

  I hit the playlist and make sure it’s streaming through the headphones. Pink’s ‘Get The Party Started’ starts blaring through our headphones.

  I hear him grumble, “Fucker.”

  In the past, life has not been a party and in my youth music was a luxury. Parties and music afford an escape for the battles we lived, in and out of the military.

  Now that I can afford luxuries, I have a slight obsession with music. My iTunes account has over ten thousand songs. I know the words to almost every one of them.

  After an hour in the air we are over the location to get our boys on the ‘snatch and grab’ mission, on the outskirts of Jblah.

  “Son-of-a bitch,” Titan says taking the words right out of my mouth.

  I kill my tunes. “Gonna get interesting.”

  As Titan calls in our location I get lower for a closer look.

  Two buildings are on fire, one is the location of the SEAL team. Our landing area has been compromised.

  “It’s play time Titan,” I report my findings.

  “Pull back, Lieutenant,” Titan orders.

  “There’s a battle going on down there. Twenty of our guys against an entire city—”

  “Direct orders from the captain,” he says sternly.

  “Our mission is to get our guys the fuck out and that’s what we’re gonna do,” I reply.

  “Fuck!” Titan’s voice roars. I see smoke to my left and it’s his helo. “I’m going down.”

  “Titan, land easy, I’ll get you out of there,” I tell him.

  “Orders,” he reminds me.

  “Fuck that.”

  I can’t even explain what it feels like to watch not only your fellow soldier take on fire as they decline way too fast toward the enemy. It’s not fear, it’s anger, it’s rage, it’s responsibility. When that soldier is one of your best friends, it’s all the above on fucking steroids.

  He Is Mine

  Mary

  “You’re sure about this?” Renee asks looking at me, then Frankie as we sit in front of the fireplace drinking red wine, while Frankie drinks some smoothie Jax concocted in the blender.

  I nod and look down at Shady who is at my feet and pet her.

  “Why?” Renee asks.

  “Why?” I ask her back.

  “You and Joe were good, Mary. He could give you a good life. Don’t you want normal? Is this really what you want?” she asks, waving her hand about. “To worry every day about someone’s safety or losing him? No disrespect Frankie.”

  “None taken,” Frankie says quietly.

  But how could it not be taken disrespectfully? She lost her brother while he was protecting our country, she nearly lost Jax to the same thing.

  “I’d rather worry and feel the way he makes me feel than be with someone who has never made me feel...wanted.”

  “He wanted to fuck you Mary, slaughter you, how the hell does that make you feel?”

  “It’s not like that.” I shake my head because it’s almost impossible to explain and the things she doesn’t know, she doesn’t need to know. That part of my life I left behind. I must choose my words carefully. “He understands me, more than I understand myself. It feels...right.”

  “We understand you. That’s what friends do. What we will always do.”

  I hear Jax clear his throat as he walks in the room and Renee looks at him and shakes her head, then stands and walks to the French doors, opens them and walks out onto the deck.

  I expect him to be annoyed, aggravated, possibly hurt that she said the things she did about what Jax and Shadows have dedicated and risked their lives for, us.

  He sits down in the leather chair and lifts his leg, setting it on the ottoman, looks at Frankie and gives her a small, almost sad smile.

  “She didn’t mean anything by it,” Frankie says returning his expression.

  He nods and looks at me. “This life isn’t for everyone.”

  I nod. “I know.”

  “Definitely not what I would want for Francesca. She lost Will, we all lost Will. Events like that are devastating, life altering. You can choose to walk away Mary, it’ll be a hell of a lot easier than this.” He lifts his glass, it’s the same concoction he made for Frankie.

  An unease settles deep inside my heart. The unease changes quickly to fear, and just as quickly it turns to aggravation, and then I remember what Jeb said to me.

  ‘I see a quiet strength that I want to bottle up and share with the world.’

  “I know what I’m in for. I watched Frankie grieve the loss of her brother, fight her love for you, then accept it and fight for it. I saw her go from hiding inside herself, shielding herself from the hurt in her life by surrounding herself with everything that hurt her. I don’t pretend to know everything she went through, but in my heart,” I pause because I’m uncomfortable talking about myself. “In my heart I think she did that, hid, because she was afraid of everything else that could hurt her. The pain she held close, reveled in, was...familiar? Or at least that’s what I imagine. I don’t want to do that?”

  Jax nods and leans forward. “You’re questioning yourself.”

  “I’m still trying to understand my feelings.”

  “About Shadows,” he says as if he is questioning my intentions.

  I shake my head no. “I don’t think it has anything to do with him. I think he was right when he said I had a lot to work on.” I don’t think, I know, but I will keep all of that to myself.

  “Joe?” Irons asks.

  “We’re done,” I say looking him in the eyes. “It was never really right anyways.”

  “You think Shadows is right?” Frankie asks.

  I shrug. “Well he says he is.”

  At that Jax laughs and then so do Frankie and I.

  “What if he comes back and ends it?” Renee asks, walking back in the cabin. “Then you have no Joe, no Shadows—”

  “That’s what friends are for.” I smile at her as I stand. “Be right back I need the ladies room.”

  Once in the bathroom I look in the mirror at myself.

  For years I have done this, I assume every woman does. We stand in the mirror and dissect every part of our physical appearance and wonder what others think of us. For me it goes deep.

  I question not just what they think of me, but why some look at me the way they do or treat me the way they do. I seek answers I cannot answer and never will be able to. I seek and I don’t find.

  Does Renee see me as weak? Do Jax and Frankie?

  Do they warn me because they don’t think a man like Shadows could like me, want me? Will I become something he grows tired of now that he has had me?

  Then it begins again.

  What do they see?

  On my best day I allow myself to feel average. My hair has always been black and of average length, longer these days because life has been too busy to even get a ten-dollar haircut at the strip mall. My height is below average; I stand five foot three. My hips are wider than they should be, my butt bigger than normal girls my height, and I have always been self-conscious about it. My breasts are not large, but not tiny and my thighs, well there is no thigh gap to be seen.

  Joe and I went to the gym together on the nights he stayed over, which led me to believe I wasn’t good enough for his liking. Once I mentioned it and he had told me he likes the gym and never has time to go, so on the nights he’s with me, he makes sure to fit it in. He was angry I even asked. At the time, I was even angry with myself. Was I fishing for a compliment or did I want to feel the pain of not ever being able to be seen as anything other than a warm body? Maybe I was. I shake my head at myself because I still feel ridiculous about it.

  I think of the other night and how insane I must have looked to Jeb running down the road like a crazy woman. I cover my face and groan at my ridiculousness. Then smile at the fact that for some reason, he still says he wants me.

  I won’t think of the million reasons we should not happen, the billion reasons I should run from him and everyone here, the trillion reasons we will not last, but god I hope that we do. I pray that we do because I have never felt the way he made me feel the very first time our eyes met.

 

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