Jalen left Rem in his room working on his homework, and found Riley standing before the stove in the kitchen. A kettle of water steamed but wasn’t quite ready to be poured into the three mugs she’d already scooped cocoa powder into.

  “Want to talk about that phone call?”

  She shook her head. Waved a hand. “It was my dad, and not really. No.” But he heard her sniff, even as she carefully turned her face so he couldn’t see it.

  He approached her slowly, and saw her stiffen. Her spine was ramrod straight by the time he stopped directly behind her. He didn’t want to push her, but at the same time, he wanted her to know she could tell him anything.

  Her perfume and bare shoulders lured him. He swallowed and settled his hands on her soft skin, letting his thumbs work into the hard knots of tension in her trapezius muscle. He felt a tremor buzz through her.

  He leaned forward and peered at her over her shoulder. “You know I’d never hurt you, right?” He kept his thumbs moving in circles.

  She swallowed. Nodded.

  Relief eased a breath from him. “It’s just that sometimes when we are alone, I feel like you are afraid of me. And I don’t want you to ever feel that way around me.” The skin just behind her ear begged for a kiss, but he resisted. Now wasn’t the right time. Right now what she needed was a friend with a listening ear.

  “I’m not afraid of you, Jalen. It’s just…” She pulled in a shuddering breath, her attention still fixed on the surface of the water in the pan before her.

  “What?” he prodded gently.

  She spun toward him and pinned him with a hard look. “I probably should have told you this right away, but…I needed time to think it through. This is one of those ash heaps I might have a harder time climbing off of, you know?”

  Jalen clenched his teeth together, determined to be supportive and encouraging no matter what she told him. He’d wondered about this all week from the moment she’d said she had some consequences from her past that wouldn’t be fair to ask someone else to live with. The only thing he had been able to come up with was that it probably had something to do with her health. And whatever disease she had, he knew they could walk through it together with God’s help.

  “You want to have kids someday, Jalen?”

  That question threw him. Where was this going? He drew her a few steps away from the flame of the stove, then spread his hands. “Someday.”

  She shifted her gaze and fiddled with her fingernails, and he could see tears pooling on her lower lids. “Well I can’t ever give them to you.” Her eyes widened a little and darted his way. “Not that I’m saying I’m the woman you’d want to—”

  He had his hands cupping her shoulders in one swift move. He studied the pale wash behind her freckles for a moment, and then pulled her into his chest, wrapped his arms around her, and tucked her head in to his shoulder. “Riley. Is this the consequence you were talking about the other night?”

  She nodded and relaxed against him, melding against his chest like perfection. He was so relieved he could hardly think. He’d figured an STD, or maybe cancer from smoking, or even HIV due to a drug habit. But he’d never considered this. This was something he could deal with.

  She was shaking now, snuffling softly.

  Anger swelled up in him so rapidly he wasn’t expecting it. The fact that someone who was supposed to care about her had hurt her so badly… He ground his teeth, and rocked her gently. He feathered a kiss into her hair and angled a look toward the ceiling. Give me words, here.

  But for a long while no words would come. And so he offered silence, and the comfort of his arms. He pressed his cheek to her ear, dropped a soft kiss against the hairline at the back of her neck, curled his arms around her, and just prayed. Prayed like he hadn’t prayed in a long time. Prayed for her peace. Prayed for their future.

  Just when she had finally quieted and he had just about figured out what he wanted to say, she uttered the words that nearly took him to his knees.

  “It’s my fault, Jay.” She fiddled with one of the buttons on the front of his shirt. “I stayed with him and I not only killed my baby, but the potential of any others.”

  “Riley…” He couldn’t stand another minute of not being able to look into her eyes. He set her from him, curved his hands around both sides of her face, and made sure they had good eye contact. “What he did to you was not your fault. The man was a”—he jailed a few inappropriate words before they could escape and finally settled on—”monster.” He clenched his teeth and reminded himself to breathe so he didn’t overwhelm her with his intensity. “And as for you being the woman I’d want.” He hoped she could see all the love he was feeling. “Yes. You are exactly that woman. I’ve waited two years for you. Not just because you are beautiful, which you are, but because you have a compassionate heart that puts others first, and I love that about you. And I love even more that you have been letting God grow His image in you, over the past few years.” He settled his palm against the smooth skin of her cheek. Felt her tremble.

  She brushed her palms over the front of his suit coat. “I know what that passage in Isaiah said, Jalen. But I confess I’m having a really hard time seeing how God could bring something good out of this. And I don’t feel it’s fair of me to ask you to commit to me when I can’t—”

  He touched her chin and made sure he had her full attention. “I’m staying of my own free will.” He let his forehead fall gently against hers.

  One of her fingers traced back and forth over the dip just below his lower lip. “All week I’ve been thinking that if you would still have me we could maybe make this work. But my father said—” She brushed the rest of that thought away. “It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that…now…I think I have to let you go.” Her next words were whispered. “For your own good.”

  He had the sensation that he was dangling from a cliff and had just lost the last inch of rope in his lifeline. “Talk to me, Ri. I don’t understand.”

  Tears stacked up on her lower lids, magnifying her eyes into big blue pools. “You’re so good with babies, Jalen. Kids too—like Rem. You deserve to have your own kids someday.”

  Relief tugged the air from his lungs. Finally, he felt like he had a foundation under him that he could work from. He thumbed away her tears. Settled a kiss against her forehead. Considered how to respond. How to make her see that she was enough for him all on her own? He eased back and curled his forefinger under her chin. “It’s you I love, Riley. Not anything you can give me.”

  She shuddered. Sighed. Then smiled sadly through her tears. “I knew you were going to say that, Jalen. Then for a while I was afraid you might not say it. But deep down I knew what your reaction was going to be. It’s why I kept trying to just distance myself from you. Because I knew you would do the superhero self-sacrifice thing. I’m just not sure I should let you do that to yourself.”

  He frowned and thought back over their evening. She’d been pretty relaxed and happy until she’d gotten that phone call from her father. “You said your father said something. What did he say?”

  The water started boiling and she turned to twist off the gas. She planted her palms against the counter and let them take her weight. “He’s divorcing his second wife. Her name is Mandy. She was his secretary when he was married to Mom.”

  Jalen heard the raw discouragement in her tone. “I’m sorry.”

  She peered over at him from eyes that were dulled by way too much living and hurting for a woman her age. “I know there are relationships that work, Jalen. I’ve seen them in Kylen and Taysia, Reece and Marie, and Justus and Dakota. I can’t imagine any of them ever falling apart. But there was something else my dad said about relationships in our family being destined to break, and I wonder if he is right? Maybe there are some relationships that are…I don’t know…written in the sand before they even begin? And if that’s the case why start? If ever there was a woman who was destined to have a relationship that could be wiped out by one wash of a wave, I think I might be her. There’s already so much stacked against us. I’ve done so much wrong. And there are so many reasons why I don’t want to hurt you. Why you deserve better.”

  Jalen’s heart was hammering so hard he could almost hear the beat of it in his ears. Because he suddenly knew that she cared very deeply for him and the realization made him the happiest man in the world. He took her hand and tugged her toward the kitchen table. “Forget the hot cocoa for a minute. Come sit.”

  He eased her into a chair, but had too much energy to sit himself.He squatted in front of her instead. He tapped a fist to his mouth, willing God to supply him with truth and wisdom to pass on to her.

  She sighed. “Jalen, I’m trying really hard not to do the selfish thing here. Please don’t make this harder than it has to be. You need to let me go. There’s another woman out there somewhere who will make you so happy and so thankful we did the right thing tonight.”

  Her words sliced into his heart, but not because she was trying to push him away. They sliced because she’d been doing so well this week, and then with one phone call, her father had stripped from her the newfound truth she’d been living in. The truth about how special and perfect she was. How God had good plans for her future. How she needed to forget what was behind and press on toward what was ahead, and trust God to miraculously transform the ashes into roses.

  But in the face of her resurrected doubts how did he begin to remind her?

  God?

  And in that moment a breath of truth washed through him and he knew exactly where to start.

  “Riley, we aren’t acceptable to God, or to others for that matter, because we’ve lived a perfect life and never made any mistakes.”

  She pinched at the gauzy material of her skirt. “I know that.”

  “Do you?” He scooted closer to her, pressed his palm to hers, hooked their thumbs together, and then rested the back of her hand against his cheek. He peered intently into her face, willing her to truly hear his next words. “The only way God accepts us is when we yield and admit that we fall short.”

  A dry chuckle, brittle and hard, escaped her. “Oh trust me, I know I fall short.”

  He placed a quick kiss on the back of her hand and then returned his focus to her face. “And that’s where the problem comes in, Riley. Because we can’t stop there. Once we recognize that we fall short in ourselves, and accept that only the blood of Jesus can cover our sins—which I know you have done—it is then that we are made perfect in God’s sight. Because of Jesus’ blood, God no longer sees our failings when He looks at us. Just a clean slate. Perfectly created in His image.”

  She tilted him a look full of pain. “I believe that Jalen. But there are still consequences I have to live with because of my past sins. And it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask you to live with them too.”

  “But you aren’t asking me. I’m offering myself. Would you deny me the pleasure of that sacrifice because you are afraid of what the future holds?”

  Her eyes widened, and he knew then that he’d hit on exactly what the issue was. She knew he cared for her now, but she feared that her deficiencies would drive them apart in the future. She’d had a lifetime of people drilling into her that she wasn’t good enough the way she was. And all he wanted was the rest of her lifetime to drill into her that she was perfectly amazing, just the way she was.

  “Do you know Jeremiah 29:11?”

  She pursed her lips, but nodded.

  “God knows the plans He has for you, Ri. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” He squeezed her hand. “It doesn’t say that promise is only for people who’ve somehow managed to live their lives in a way that hasn’t resulted in a lot of painful or lasting consequences. It’s a promise for everyone.”

  He stood and pulled her with him. Purposely, he invaded her space, wrapping one arm around her waist and pulling her close. “I want to be part of that hope and that future, if you’ll have me.”

  A shudder coursed through her, and the tears that had been lingering just below her lashes, rose and spilled over. “I’m sorry, Jalen. But I just can’t.” She pressed him firmly away and strode the few steps to the stove, keeping her back to him. “Please. Don’t make this harder for me than it already is. I want you to leave.”

  Defeat drained any last arguments from him. For a long moment, he remained where he was, willing her to turn and say she hadn’t meant it.

  But she remained resolutely stiff and stolid.

  Jalen rubbed at the pain in his heart. Empty. Lifeless. A desert wasteland filled with nothing but dry bones. That was what he felt like.

  Slowly, he made his way past her. Through the formal dining room, the entry, and the front door. The wind caught the heavy wooden door and it crashed shut behind him with a slam. Like the final stroke of a judge’s gavel in the sentence of his life.

  Chapter 17

  The next weeks turned into a depressing routine for Jalen. The warm colors of fall were fading to the gray colors of winter. He’d taken a job as the groundskeeper for Serenity Shores and really hoped that Reece hadn’t created the job just to give him some employment.

  He enjoyed the work. It was backbreaking, and the grounds could pretty much sponge up all the time as he wanted to invest in them—which was basically every spare minute he had outside of his coaching and game day responsibilities—to keep his mind occupied and off of Riley.

  His team was doing well and he was proud of his boys. They’d made the playoffs and had the first game of the bracket next Saturday.

  Right now he was working to organize the groundskeeper’s shed at Serenity Shores. A few of the rental cabins had fireplaces, and before Reece’s father had passed away he’d just started dumping the wood behind the shed and covering it with a tarp. But some of it still rotted that way and Reece hadn’t had the time to do anything about it since he’d taken over after his father’s death. So Jalen had reorganized the interior of the shed and cleared space along one wall. He was in the process of chopping the wood and stacking it into neat rows.

  He let the ax bite deep into the chopping block and then gathered up the armful of logs he’d just split. Sweat dripped into one eye and he relished the sting of it.

  What would Riley be up to on this chilly Friday afternoon?

  He grunted, elbowed through the door the wind had blown slightly shut, and dropped his armload onto the second row of blocks he’d started stacking. The first row stretched the length of the shed and rose to the level of his head.

  He’d thought giving Riley some time would maybe bring her around. But his hopes had been dashed as night after night he’d fallen into his sheets with exhaustion clinging to him and the knowledge that he’d just spent another day without even a hint of a heart-change from her.

  He swiped a wrist across his forehead and turned to head back out for another armload.

  Reece stood outlined in the light spilling through the doorway, pulling on a pair of work gloves.

  Jalen paused.

  Reece remained blocking the way, taking in the changes to the interior of the shed.

  Jalen almost hoped he wouldn’t be happy with it. That would give him the excuse to redo it all over again. Mind-numbing work.

  But Reece only nodded in satisfaction. “Looks good.” He lifted one gloved hand. “I have a few minutes to help. Marie has the day off today so she is taking care of the front desk.”

  Jalen clenched his teeth, wishing he could find an excuse to go work on another project that would allow him to keep his solitude. The problem was, there wasn’t a thing he could think of that needed doing around the place right now, and Reece would see right through his ploy.

  Reece stepped outside and set a round up on the chopping block, lifting the ax high and severing the wood in three swift blows.

  Jalen lifted one of the split halves and set it on the block, stepping back so Reece could take his swing.

  “You’re putting in a lot more time around here than I’m paying you for, Jalen.” Reece let the ax fall with a grunt.

  Jalen watched Reece split the log into several smaller segments before he offered a shrug. “I don’t mind. I’m happy for the work. And it all needs doing.”

  Reece held his silence as they worked together to chop through several more rounds of wood. But finally he paused, propped the head of the ax against the chopping block, and his arm against the end of the handle. He pulled a bandanna out of his back pocket and pushed his cowboy hat back on his head to wipe his forehead. “So, you just going to let her push you away like that without a fight?”

  Jalen clenched his teeth, gathered an armload, and tromped into the shed. He might have known Reece had ulterior motives in coming out here to work with him.

  When he tried to leave the shed, Reece met him at the doorway, blocking his way with his arms full of wood. And Jalen could see the man had no intention of moving until he got some sort of an answer.

  He sighed. “Just drop it man. I gave it my best shot. And she doesn’t want me. So… what’s a guy to do?” He stepped out of the way and motioned Reece past him.

  Jalen left him there, took up the ax and set up another round on the block. This time he’d be doing the chopping. He needed to work out some of his anger.

  Jalen hadn’t made it through but half a block when Reece reappeared, and it was obvious he had no intention of leaving.

  Jalen made quick work of several rounds, lifting the ax high and swinging it hard. Each time the blade connected with wood the vibration jolted through him, pinching at muscles that burned with the effort.

  Reece propped his hands on his hips. “So you’re perfectly happy to get on with your life without her then? Because if so I’ll just keep my mouth shut.”

 

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