“You’re in a good mood. I take it things went well with Ryan? God knows you were there long enough. I got tired of waiting up for you.”

  “Yes, things went very well—although we didn’t do much talking.”

  Lisa stopped with her cup halfway to her mouth. “You had sex with him?”

  Jessie grinned and sipped her coffee.

  Lisa shook her head in disapproval, her frown morphing into a broad smile. “You’re terrible.”

  “Probably, but Ryan sure as hell isn’t.”

  Lisa laughed. “Does this mean you’ve changed your mind about him?”

  “No. Last night was a moment of weakness.” Jessie sighed. “I still just want to be friends.”

  Lisa narrowed her eyes. “You have to tell him. Think with your brain, not your clitoris.”

  Jessie laughed, she couldn’t help it. Her clitoris was exactly what she had been thinking with. “I know, I know. We’re going to spend the day together. I’m going to tell him. Today…”

  Jessie ignored Lisa’s look that said, "yeah right, like that’ll happen." “Well,” Lisa set her coffee cup in the sink, “I need to head back. Mark called this morning. He has to go to work. I have to pick up the kids early.”

  Jessie put her cup on the counter and hugged her sister. “Thank you for visiting and for your help.”

  “You can plan on seeing me every other weekend.”

  They laughed and Jessie released her. “You’re welcome here anytime, Lisa. Just make sure you bring the wine.”

  “Deal.”

  Jessie walked Lisa to the door and stood on the porch, waving as she pulled out of the driveway and drove down the street. Then she went back inside and looked around. She only had a few boxes left to unpack. She might be able to get most of it done before her date with Ryan. She didn’t; he arrived seconds later.

  “Hey,” she said, stepping into his arms and accepting the kiss he offered before she could stop herself. She hadn’t realized how much she had missed him until she was in his arms again. But the last thing she wanted was to be dependent on a guy for anything, especially her happiness. “So what’s the plan for today?” she asked, pulling away.

  “There’s this great little bistro down in the business district. I thought we could go get some breakfast, then wander around downtown, do some shopping, maybe catch a movie.”

  She smiled. “That sounds great. Let me grab a sweater, it’s always cold in the theater.”

  Half an hour later, they were seated at a small wrought iron table outside of Le Bistro. The atmosphere was cozy and welcoming. She liked it immediately. Ryan took her hand and brought it to his mouth, giving her knuckles a light kiss. He smiled. “You look beautiful, Jess.”

  “Thank you.” She blushed, but held his gaze. His eyes were so green, so vibrant and intense… and completely focused on her. There could be naked women parading around their tables, and she wondered if he’d even notice. The waitress arrived, and they placed their orders. “This place is great,” Jessie said, looking around.

  “There’s no reason to be nervous,” he said.

  Jessie laughed. He had nailed it. She was nervous. She didn’t know why. Maybe it was because this was the first time in three years they’d spent time together outside the bedroom. Or maybe it was because she knew she had to tell him what she’d failed to say last night. It was going to break his heart, and she hated that. But she vowed to stay true to herself, and getting involved with Ryan wouldn’t accomplish that.

  “You look like you’re lost,” Ryan said, giving her hand a squeeze. “What’s on your mind?”

  “Nothing, really.” She shrugged. “I was just wondering what you’ve been up to these past few years.”

  “Thinking about you, wondering if I’d ever see you again,” he said.

  “Why didn’t you look for me?” Shit, the words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. She looked down at the table, wishing she could take them back.

  “Jess, you left me…”

  “I know, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “Is that what you wanted, for me to go looking for you? Was it a test?”

  Was it? She wasn’t really sure, but shook her head in denial anyway. “No, of course not. It’s really best that you didn’t. I was pretty messed up at the time.”

  “Why were you messed up?” The look in his eyes was so earnest, Jessie’s nose began to burn with building tears. She blinked rapidly and looked around.

  “Not here. Please. I don’t want to talk about all that in public. Just know I thought about you too.” There was no use lying to him. In fact, she wanted to be completely honest with him. It was time to put the past behind them so they could both move on.

  Ryan took a deep breath and looked like he was going to press the point but then he exhaled and asked, “Then what do you want to talk about?”

  Relieved, she went for a neutral subject. “What have you been up to?”

  “I’ve kept busy with work,” he said, his eyes boring into hers, still waiting for her to answer the questions that lingered between them.

  “I’m surprised you’re not married with a couple kids by now.” She took a sip of her tea and waited for him to answer. Not that she really wanted to hear about his past relationships, but if it meant she didn’t have to explain why she had left, she’d listen to anything.

  His forehead wrinkled and he shifted in his seat, suddenly looking very uncomfortable. “I’ve dated a few women on and off, but there’s never been anything serious with any of them.” He grazed his thumb across her knuckles. “What about you?”

  It was now or never. Her heart raced and her palms were sweating. She was suddenly rethinking her decision to be honest. Yeah, she was chicken shit. “There was a guy, Derrick; he and I were pretty serious for a while. We were talking marriage.”

  “What happened?”

  “He cheated on me.” She averted her gaze for a moment. “No, he didn’t just cheat. He had an entire relationship with the other woman. I loved him. I trusted him, depended on him, and he let me down, with a good friend of mine. God, I was such an idiot.”

  Ryan leaned over the table and captured her lips in a sweet kiss. “Derrick is a damn moron for doing what he did to you.” He kissed her again. “I’m sorry he hurt you, Jess, but I’m not sorry things ended between you two.”

  “His loss is your gain?”

  “Exactly. At least, I hope it is.” He smiled against her lips before giving her another kiss, this time longer and hotter. He decided he didn’t need to know why she left him three years ago. He just needed to make sure she didn’t run again. The waitress arrived with their food. Jessie was both grateful and annoyed. Ryan sat back down and winked at her. Her body buzzed and fluttered and hummed and all the other crazy stuff it did every time she was near him. Good grief, how did he do that to her? They ate in silence for several moments.

  “The food is fantastic,” she said, swallowing the last of it and taking a sip of her fresh-squeezed orange juice.

  “I knew you’d like it.”

  “It’s not as good as your French toast, though.” She smiled and finished her juice.

  “Oh yeah?” He raised a brow. “Maybe I can make some for you tomorrow morning.”

  The way he said it, the tilt of his head, the inflection of his voice—she knew he was asking her to spend the night. It was a bad idea. Continuing to have sex with him was only going to complicate things more than they already were. She couldn’t let that happen. “We’ll see,” she said with a wink. It was a lighthearted, wimp induced response intended to appease him without causing an argument, but her mind was already made up: she was absolutely, positively, without a doubt not having sex with Ryan tonight.

  “Wow! That was incredible.” Jessie collapsed on top of him, her face buried in the crook of his neck, and fought to catch her breath. He’d managed to give her back-to-back-to-back orgasms. That had to be a new record. Her whole body was shaking, and she was sure she wouldn’t be able to walk for a week.

  “Yeah,” he panted. “Incredible.”

  She laughed and nuzzled his neck. She’d never felt so content before, so at peace with the world and herself. Maybe she could be with him. Maybe they could have a relationship, a future together without her losing who she was as a person. For all she knew, maybe Ryan didn’t want a relationship. Maybe he just wanted casual sex. Damn, her clitoris was doing the thinking again.

  Ryan ran his fingers up and down her back. “Mmm, that feels good,” she said. He continued to stroke her back and she yawned. “I’m going to fall asleep if you keep doing that.”

  He chuckled. “I won’t object if you fall asleep like this.”

  Jessie closed her eyes. The next thing she knew she was waking up to sunlight streaming through the crack in the curtains. She was lying on her back, a sheet covering her body. Stretching her arms above her head and extending her legs, she smiled. It had been ages since she’d slept through the night so deeply. She usually woke up with nightmares five or six times. She felt terrific! She caught sight of Ryan from the corner of her eye. He was lying beside her, head propped in his hand, smiling.

  “Morning, beautiful,” he said, placing his hand on her stomach.

  “Morning.” She rolled onto her side and faced him. “I fell asleep on you, didn’t I?” He nodded and grinned. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “You know I love it when you fall asleep in my arms.”

  She loved it, too, but she’d never tell him that. “What are we doing here, Ryan?” she blurted out before she had a chance to stop herself. Shit. She hadn’t meant to say that. At least, not like that.

  “I believe it’s called cuddling.”

  She laughed. “That’s not what I meant.”

  Ryan put his hand on her lower back and pulled her close to him. “I know.” His soft lips pressed against hers, his tongue slipping into her mouth as if it were the most natural thing in the world. She couldn’t deny it. Everything with Ryan felt natural. “Do we have to define it? Can’t we just enjoy it? Enjoy each other?”

  “You have no idea how much I wish we could, Ryan, but there are things I haven’t told you, things you need to know.”

  “Uh-oh, this doesn’t sound good.” He moved away just enough to be able to look at her comfortably, but not far enough to put any real distance between them.

  Despite their kiss moments ago, her lips felt drier than the Sahara. She licked them and took a shaky breath. “That summer at the beach, I was there because I’d found out Derrick had been cheating on me.”

  “Wait, I thought you said you dated him within the last three years.”

  She shook her head. “I wasn’t completely honest with you. I had been dating Derrick for five years before that summer. I caught him cheating on me, and that’s when I decided to get away. The day I left for my family’s beach house, Derrick showed up and begged me for another chance. He asked me to marry him.”

  Ryan’s gaze hardened. “Are you telling me you were engaged that summer? That everything we shared was a lie?”

  “No.” Jessie shook her head frantically. “No. I told Derrick I needed time to think about it, that I’d give him an answer when I returned. Derrick and I weren’t together when I met you. I swear.”

  “But you were considering marrying him.” Ryan sat up, grabbed his jeans from the floor and pulled them on. “You spent every damn night with me for two months, Jess. Two whole months! And the entire time you were thinking about marrying another man.” He yanked his shirt over his head. “Unbelievable.”

  “Ryan, please, I’m sorry.” Tears coursed down her face. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. She shouldn’t have told him. Honesty sucked.

  “Did you?” He stopped getting dressed, but he kept his back to her.

  “Did I what?”

  He turned to face her. His eyes were cold and hard, his mouth set in a firm line, arms crossed over his chest. “Did you marry him?”

  Her lips trembled. “I left him the night before the wedding.”

  Ryan laughed a short incredulous laugh. “You may not have married him, but you were going to, weren’t you?” He turned back around and gathered his socks from the floor. “I guess it’s good to know I’m not the only man you’ve run out on.”

  “Oh no.” Jessie cupped her hand over her mouth. Tears fell freely down her cheeks. She was a horrible person. Ryan was going to walk out of her life and that’s exactly what she deserved. But she hadn't expected it to hurt so much. His voice was thick with so much anger and hurt. She didn’t blame him, but it was hard to hear. He sat on the edge of the bed. Jessie put her hand on his shoulder, fully expecting him to push her away. He sat motionless, head down, hands in his lap.

  “I loved you, Jess. I wanted to spend my life with you.” He spoke so low, yet his words hit her like a Mack truck. “You broke my heart.”

  “I’m so sorry, Ryan.” She knelt behind him and wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face against him.

  Ryan twisted around and looked at her. “Why bother telling me any of this? Why now?”

  “Because you deserve to know the truth. And because I’m trying really hard to put my life back together and learn to stand on my own, without the support of a man.”

  “Without me, you mean?”

  “Please try to understand. I don’t trust anyone, Ryan, especially men. I’m sorry. It’s nothing personal, it’s just...” She sighed, not wanting to think about her dad. “Derrick really messed me up.”

  “I’m not Derrick.” He took her face into his hands. “You can trust me, Jess.”

  “You say that now…” She felt like such a bitch. It wasn’t fair that Ryan had to pay for the crap that had happened in her past. But it paralyzed her with fear to let her guard down and trust. She just wasn’t ready yet. Maybe she’d never be.

  Ryan lowered his mouth and kissed her softly, his tongue a whisper over hers, and then a demand. She moaned and laid back on the bed, bringing him down over her. She clung to him and kissed him deeply; desperate to get as much of him as she could, knowing it could be the last time. Jessie pawed and tugged at his shirt until it was off and once again in a heap on the floor. She touched every inch of him that she could get her hands on—shoulders, back, chest, stomach, waist.

  “Oh, Jess.” He pulled the blanket from her body and fondled her breast, his thumb rubbing over her nipple. “Trust me. All I want is to be with you.” He nipped at her bottom lip. “I can’t get enough of you. Please, baby.” His mouth crushed hers in a dominant, toe-curling kiss that had her fighting to catch her breath and gather her wits. “Please, Jess, say it. Say you’ll be with me.”

  It took all of her courage, plus more she didn’t know she had, to let her hands fall from his body. “Ryan, please, stop.” He recoiled as if she’d slapped him. It was the first time she’d ever told him no to sex.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “We can’t keep doing this. I’m not ready for a relationship.”

  Ryan sat up and took several deep breaths. “You’re not ready.” He grabbed his shirt and put it on again.

  “No. But I want to be friends, Ryan.”

  “Friends?” He laughed. “You. Want. To. Be. Friends.” He punched the words out.

  “Yes.”

  He shook his head. “And to fuck with what I want, right?” He slipped his feet into his sneakers.

  “Will you even try?” Her voice had taken on a high pitched whiny quality and she hated herself for it. The thought of not having Ryan in her life, even as a friend, was unbearable. She’d lived without him before. She didn’t think she’d survive it again. Yet, here she was, messing it up again. “Please?”

  “Fuck you.” He left without another word.

  Jessie buried her face in her pillow and sobbed. She’d succeeded in alienating Ryan and breaking his heart… again. What the hell was wrong with her?

  SIXTEEN

  Three days later, Ryan was on duty at the station. He was thankful it had been a quiet day so he could hang out in the basement gym. He was in no mood to socialize. In fact, he couldn’t recall having a conversation with anyone for more than a minute or two since Jess had dropped the bomb on him. He beat the punching bag so hard his knuckles bled. She had left him three years earlier so she could marry another man. “Damn it!” He punched several times with his right hand and then his left. As if that wasn’t hard enough to swallow, she had dropped it on him that she just wanted to be friends. Friends! “Fuck it.” He couldn’t be friends with her, not when he loved her like he did. How in the hell was he supposed to be around her and not touch her or kiss her? How in the world did she expect him to just hang out with her as if everything was okay? Things were far from okay. He hauled off and kicked the bag, waiting for it to swing back so he could wail on it again. The pain in his hands numbed the pain he felt in his heart.

  “Whoa, take it easy man.” Shane said, hanging onto the bag. “You’ve been down here all day.”

  “Need something, Shane?” Ryan flexed his fingers and winced. Fresh blood ran down the back of his hand. He went to the sink in the corner and ran it under cold water, hissing in a breath from the stinging pain.

  “We’re ordering food. You want anything?”

  “No.”

  “Dude, what’s up with you?” Shane leaned against the counter, folding his arms across his chest. “You haven’t been this miserable since you took that whole summer off after Vikki—”

  “Shut the fuck up!” Ryan pointed in Shane’s face. “I told you I never wanted to talk about that summer!”

  Shane put his hands up in a show of surrender. “Whoa, okay, sorry man. Didn’t mean to piss you off.”

  Ryan wrapped a towel around his right hand, which had borne the brunt of his anger, and shook his head. “No, I’m sorry.” He blew out a breath. “I’m gonna get out of here. Page me if there’s a call.”

  “Yeah, sure. Hey, you wanna grab a beer later?”

 

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