Losing lindani, p.1
Losing Lindani, page 1
LOSING
LINDANI
A Novel by
LEANNE MARSHALL
Copyright © 2021 Leanne Marshall
All rights reserved.
No portion of this book may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means—including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without prior permission from the publisher.
ISBN: 9798770727128
To my mum and dad,
Sylvia and Dave Marshall,
for believing in me
when I didn’t believe in myself
1
‘Where are you taking me?’
I pinched the ‘Bigfoot’ freshener as it dangled from the rear-view mirror, its pine scent catching at the back of my nose, triggering a sneeze.
‘You’ll see,’ he said, simply.
I pointed across him, sensing the electricity between us. ‘I can’t help but notice that civilisation is forty miles that way!’
There was something in the way he looked at me. He squinted into the July sun, faint double lines appearing beside his brown eyes, and the shadow of stubble completed a freeze-frame of perfection.
He was the first man in years who had held my attention. After a few exciting dates and the proverbial tummy flip, I’d had no reason not to welcome another, and only now, with our eyes locked, did I realise he was hacking the system and making me feel again.
Do you feel it too?
We turned down a dirt track then, just as a punch of heat began to colour my cheeks. I was grateful for the distraction it offered. The path clearly wasn’t intended for four-wheeled vehicles. The No Entry sign only served to confirm my assumption. I waited for Lindani to source an alternative route, but he didn’t. If I was honest, his sense of adventure and strong-mindedness kind of turned me on.
Our bodies began to jolt fitfully against the interior of the car, the pebble-peppered dirt having turned into a succession of grassy verges. Lindani’s head tapped the roof with an irritating persistence, whilst my breasts, too, fought to remain secured. I let go of the ‘Bigfoot’ freshener and tucked them back into their assigned cups. A sneeze shot from my nostrils and sprayed the dash of Lindani’s Sportage. He didn’t acknowledge my embarrassment. I chose to read the subtle downturn of his mouth as a silent admission that we were lost.
My dating years had taken their toll on me mentally, so much that I’d decided to avoid serious relationships altogether. After Titch broke my heart. I was just seventeen. Since then, I’d lacked the ability to interact with another man – truly, completely, the way you’re supposed to. I was okay with that though, honestly. It was a decision that had helped preserve my sanity. However, acquaintances told me (annoyingly) that there would come a time when I’d have to stop approaching relationships with the same degree of caution exercised in a covert military operation. Perhaps that time was now?
‘Earth to Lois!’
Liquid silk.
A familiar voice penetrated my daydream. ‘Huh? Sorry I must have drifted off!’
‘I think we’re here.’ He searched my face for confirmation, an alluring glint in his eye I was yet to interpret.
A wave of emotion engulfed me as I contemplated my surroundings. Not only was I relieved my gut hadn’t surrendered to motion sickness, I was reminded of a very special time in my life. One that I’d always thought was mine and mine only.
Fields of green stretched as far as the eye could see, flooding my pupils. Tiny white clouds dotted the pastures facing us. A single track stood brazenly in division, penetrating the Yorkshire Dales. An alien world, unspoilt by the litter and pollution that characteristically follows humankind. I was home.
‘Come on, my love.’
I guessed my starry-eyed expression told him we were in the right place.
My love. My love. It was the first time he’d referred to me in such a loving way. I liked it. This could be it, this could be the one! I tried to conceal the classic signs of excited energy that were so adamantly re-surfacing. My feet paddled for the ground as I exited, like a baby dangling from its bouncer.
‘How did you know?’ I scanned the familiar countryside, embracing the swirl in my stomach.
Lindani rubbed his chin. ‘Well, it took a bit of guesswork, but do you remember our third date?’
We both laughed. ‘Beginners Baking, how could I forget!’
He’d wanted to feed the creative side of me. I’d tried to impress him by inventing a plethora of hobbies – all artistic in nature, of course. Creatively, we’d managed to burn two crumbles, lose three macarons, and design the chocolate cage into a more disfigured version of Quasimodo. We laughed until the stomach cramps paralysed us. It was … well … everything a first date should be.
‘You had this cute glow in your eyes – like a dreamy, far-off look – when you talked about this place. So I figured it meant something to you.’
There was a pause as I calculated how he knew to come to this exact spot.
‘I know, you’re impressed, right?’
‘Literally not a soul knows I come here though, Dan? How did you know where it was?’ I plucked a piece of skin from my thumb, hoping I hadn’t come across unappreciative.
‘I guess I’m a little too eager to please. So I pulled out a few stops. All above board, of course!’
A few seconds drifted between us as we walked a few paces from the car. It doesn’t have a postcode, nothing?
‘What’s life without a bit of mystery?’ he added.
I suppressed a rising bubble of uncertainty, literally, by pressing hard against my gut.
Don’t ruin things now. You’ve found a good one this time.
‘I used to come here a lot,’ I said.
He spread a plain knit blanket onto the grass. ‘Oh?’
‘Yeah. I still do sometimes.’
‘Who with?’
His sharp words took me aback. ‘It isn’t one of those places, if that’s what you’re thinking!’ I said, interpreting his tone as inquisitory rather than accusatory.
We sat beside one another in the centre of the blanket. He batted a crowd of midges from his temple before the burnt shimmer of his eyes connected again with my own.
‘Why then?’ he said, a pair of deep crevices appearing between his brows.
I peeled an invisible insect from his left bicep. ‘Oh, so apparently that was what you were thinking! Interesting!’
He tilted his body to face me, pivoting the point of his elbow into the raw earth. He nestled the flesh of his cheek into the support of his palm. It was a change in body language that offered the prompt I had been waiting for.
‘I just feel connected with ... well, nature, I guess. Like it knows me. I can just be myself here. Hard to explain.’
‘So, what do you do here? It’s a bit out of the way to just come and do nothing.’
‘It isn’t that far out, you did bring us on the scenic route!’
‘Oh good, that’s a little less weird, then!’ Crap, he thinks I’m weird!
‘You can trust me, Lois. Tell me anything you like and I won’t be shocked ... promise!’
You promise. Trust wasn’t a concept that had been competently demonstrated by any of the men in my life, and there was little reason to believe this one would be any different. Except, I reflected, he had always followed through on his word. That was new. He’d always been his authentic, casual, consistent, funny self. Just Lindani. Perhaps I can trust him?
My lips ruched messily into one corner. ‘Don’t we need food for a picnic?’ I said, indicating the empty blanket. Also deflecting the attention away from myself.
He smiled. ‘Damn, knew I’d forgotten something!’
How are you still single? I smiled back.
I wanted to learn more about him if he was going to be a permanent fixture in my life, so I broached a topic he’d retracted as soon as he’d brought it up.
‘What were you about to tell me, on the way over here?’
Lindani’s jaw tightened as he tweezed a greenfly from my loose strands of hair. ‘Your hair’s beautiful, Lois. Have you always worn it this long?’
Why are you deflecting my question?
‘You started to say something about Africa,’ I said, using his own tactics against him.
I hoped I hadn’t injected awkwardness into our silence, but there was silence nonetheless.
‘Did I?’
I nodded.
‘Anyway you still haven’t said why this place is so special to you.’
What are you hiding from, Dan?
I did feel it was an explanation I owed him, after he’d brought me to an empty field in the middle of nowhere.
‘It’s just where I come to reflect,’ I said, hoping my openness would trigger the same in him. But he didn’t speak. Instead, his eyes bored into me so deeply they told me he wanted to say something, but that he couldn’t quite bring the words to leave his lips.
‘Do you ever think about people who aren’t in your life any more? Like where they are now? If they ever think about you? That kinda thing?’ I asked.
His hand stretched across both my thighs. ‘Recently, there’s been no one I think about other than you, Lois. The past is the past, I find it best to leave it there.’
&
‘Do you know why I knew you were different from other women?’ he said, extinguishing my dejection.
‘Nope,’ I said honestly.
‘I mean, apart from your shockingly poor interrogation tactics!’
Am I that obvious? My cheeks blushed. ‘Ha ha, very funny!’
‘That was the first thing. But what really did it was when you asked who Kylie Jenner was! Now that was a shocker! Quite rare in a woman of your age, in fact.’
‘Oh my god, I thought you were going to say something really sweet and thought provo—’
‘Eish, really?’
Lindani was mid-shrug when I dug my fist into his upper arm. We burst into synchronised laughter before he made slapdash lunges at the parts of my body available to him. I could feel his presence profoundly as our movements slowed down. His breath kissed the bare skin of my face, prompting goosebumps to rise across my body in defiance to the heat that was assembling within me. My senses tingled as he grazed the exposed flesh across my hip.
I couldn’t isolate what had caused my eruption of desire. Perhaps it was the glint of mischief that spread with precise evenness through his pupils, or his schoolboy affront that confirmed his mutual affection. Whatever it was, I was surprised to find myself spreadeagled across his torso. Our mouths magnetically entwined. And it was the exact way I’d fantasied since the same tall, dark, mysterious stranger sat beside me on that memorial bench by the Wellwish Centre a couple of months prior.
If it weren’t for his reciprocation, I would have drowned with embarrassment, compounded by my already crippling fear of rejection. It wasn’t my usual approach, instigating affection, but there was something in the way he teased me.
Somewhere amongst the mist of pheromones I realised I was alone. His weight had lifted from beneath me and the deep, soothing tones of his voice had dissipated into the distant air, to reveal a disquieting solitude that sent a tremor through the matter in my chest.
●●●
I stood from the ground and called after him, irrationally hurt from his premature abandonment. The air had chilled noticeably and although my instincts told me this was just him playing around, I couldn’t combat the fear that this man, too, had left me.
He was testing me, shit, I gave in too soon.
‘Miss Lane?’ His voice was musical enough to draw in a crowd. ‘Over here! This way,’ he prompted, as my head craned in the wrong direction. A wide smile freeloaded my cheeks, urging his image to appear with a desire comparable to a drug addict craving a fix.
I caught sight of the baby blue fabric of his shirt, smirking at the smudge of green earth that defaced his attire at intermittent pressure points. We must have tumbled from the blanket onto the grass at some point. Lindani’s upper body arched into the driver side of the Sportage moments before a soft tune sounded from the windows. I recognised it to be the only song so far, in our entire spectrum of musical taste, we’d discovered we both loved.
He walked directly towards me, wearing an expression reminiscent of a groom approaching his bride. Both of us were mute but I was alive with a flailing of premature emotion that was encapsulated by my fingers moulding magnetically into his outstretched hand.
‘At the risk of sounding like a complete old-timer, will you dance with me?’
My chest thumped so hard I was surprised it didn’t explode. I wanted to savour every moment, especially since I knew it couldn’t last long, this feeling, this bliss.
‘I’m flattered, kind sir. To have been chosen to dance out of such an extensive selection of fair maidens,’ I said, proud of my confident execution.
‘Oh, you needn’t be, Miss. You’re Lois Lane, how could it not have been you?’ Where are you going with this? ‘After all, I am Superman.’
My eyeballs must have rolled back further than intended as his expression stretched to resemble Edvard Munch’s The Scream, albeit a cheerier version.
‘Oh okay,’ he said. ‘You’ll see!’
My chest was close enough, I could feel the pulsing through his. ‘You’ll see,’ he said, more earnestly this time, slowing down our movement until we were blended with the flow of nature itself.
Our bodies rested against one another as we slow-danced in the spot I’d frequented so many times alone. The air warmed then; the birds watched from their branches and the sky was injected with the same shade of pink that coated the surface layer of my skin. At least in my imagination.
I felt his cheek push into mine as he smiled, the sound of Sade’s ‘By Your Side’ drifting through the air in perfect cadence with our mellow union.
‘It doesn’t feel like we only met a few weeks back. Not for me anyway.’
‘Me either,’ he confirmed. A moment of quiet ran between our thoughts. ‘Why were you sat there so long?’ he said.
‘Where?’
‘On that bench. When we met. You were there over an hour.’
I had been discharged from the Wellwish therapy centre after what turned out to be my last session. I’d sat on the memorial bench, just metres away, calibrating my new, forced freedom and what it would mean for my immediate future. Every anniversary, birthday, Mother’s Day and Christmas mentally kicked my ass, and there was no one I’d allowed close enough to whom I felt comfortable offloading such down moments. If Lindani had been sat opposite me I don’t think I would’ve noticed. Only when he asked if the seat next to me was taken did I dismantle my train of thought.
‘Bloody hell, that isn’t creepy, is it?’
Lindani laughed his deep chuckle. ‘Who you calling a creep, you cheeky bugger!’
I laughed at his accented interpretation of the word bugger, but was impressed he’d used one of my colloquialisms against me.
My mind went back to our first meeting.
‘I lost my mum when I was seven,’ I confessed. ‘And I don’t have contact with my dad.’
He offered his full attention, pausing our impromptu dance.
‘Is that why you had therapy?’
‘What?’ I died a little at his question, tact not being one of his plus points.
‘Oh I just assumed … you were sat close to that therapy centre, that’s all. Sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.’
Deep breaths, Lois.
‘I only went to a couple of sessions. Nothing too scary,’ I said, hoping he wouldn’t run off into the sunset without me.
‘It’ll get easier, my love. Trust me, I know.’
Ask him what he means by that – now.
We were deep into our choreographed routine when I really paid attention to the shiny, raised swipes that ran diagonally across his arms and clavicle. How did you get those scars? It was with more than just a fleeting curiosity I wondered.
Lindani kissed my forehead before leading me into a ninety-degree turn.
I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eye through fear he could read my thoughts. ‘You okay?’ he said, noticing. I nodded and smiled.
I felt his arm slither down my back until it found its home at the tip of my bottom.
The thrum of music weakened inconceivably as we found ourselves dancing under the tree I often daydreamed beneath.
My two fantasy worlds merged into a single land of make-believe. Has he lost his family too?
Our bodies swayed together, following a synchronised rhythm.
Just enjoy it, Lois.
It was right there, during the mediocre, demonstrative twirl of our dance, that a pain shot through my leg with an intensity to rival a cannonball blasting through a stone fortress. My already pale skin drained of its colour as I fell shamelessly from Lindani’s grip to the ground.
‘Jesus, are you okay? What happened?’
I couldn’t respond, and instead looked down to see my left ankle twisted out of shape. Lindani’s face bore an expression that mirrored my own, grimacing as if he himself were in pain.
Shades of black and blue made their slow journey to the surface. He steadied me whilst identifying the offending badger hole below us. Nature’s little minefield.
‘I’m so sorry; here, let me help.’
