Hands, p.1
Hands, page 1
Copyright
HarperNorth
111 Piccadilly
Manchester M1 2HY
A division of
HarperCollinsPublishers
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk
HarperCollinsPublishers
1st Floor, Watermarque Building, Ringsend Road
Dublin 4, Ireland
First published by HarperNorth in 2022
FIRST EDITION
Copyright © Lauren Brown 2022
Cover layout design © Anna Morrison 2022
Lauren Brown asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Find out about HarperCollins and the environment at
www.harpercollins.co.uk/green
Source ISBN: 9780008465766
Ebook Edition © January 2022 ISBN: 9780008465773
Version: 2021-12-21
Note to Readers
This ebook contains the following accessibility features which, if supported by your device, can be accessed via your ereader/accessibility settings:
Change of font size and line height
Change of background and font colours
Change of font
Change justification
Text to speech
Page numbers taken from the following print edition: ISBN 9780008465766
Dedication
For Liv
Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Note to Readers
Dedication
Prologue
1 Bird
2 Ketchup
3 Bed
4 Beach
5 Nails
6 Spoon
7 Tooth
8 Walnut
9 Parrot
Acknowledgements
Book Credits
About the Publisher
Prologue
I didn’t give my hands much thought before they turned against me. They’ve not attempted to snatch away my life in any literal sense – thankfully my unwell brain and its troubled, dexterous agents have never veered in that direction – but at the time I’m, we’re, writing this, it would not be untrue to say that they have been chipping away at my life, slowly, slowly, in a way I could never have predicted.
For as long as I can remember my energy has, like wild electricity, pooled in my fingertips, as though I’d be able at any moment to shoot out lightning bolts. But that’s been the problem: my inability to shoot out lightning bolts. The energy has to go somewhere, do something, and I’ve found the solution sadly isn’t as easy or as cool as that. There’s no grand peroration, no ecstatic relief from anxiety, no clean-cut explanation why for me it pools in hands that are constantly, though I hope not irreparably, in motion.
I hope that by tracing my many foiled attempts to expel the tension forever expanding in me, filling me up and up until I feel I might burst, my hands and I might be able to start again. Turn over a new leaf. After all, they stroke my beautiful dog Zelda, run through my partner’s hair like water, bring delicious food to my lips, give comfort as well as pain. They’re helping me write this, sat on my sofa listening to a playlist called Indie Folk Music for Focus – which, I have to say, is doing the opposite job as I simply can’t understand why creator Julien Delenclos wouldn’t call it Folkus; if you’re reading this, Julien, I want answers.
We need to get on better terms, my hands and I. They’re probably tired too; we all of us need peace. So maybe I don’t need lightning bolts. Maybe, like the punch of a typewriter, sporadic at first and then rhythmic, flowing, maybe whatever foreign presence is unsettling us can leave us slowly as I write. Perhaps I can get it – whatever it is – out. Maybe by the time I’ve expelled it – which I hope these strings of words can be, an expulsion – I’ll softly close the lid of my laptop and feel able to sit with my hands on my lap, still. Maybe by sitting in its acquaintance, getting to know it, we won’t want to expel it at all. Or maybe my heart and mind and hands will be off again like a hurricane.
The difference even then, though, would be that we will know we have turned nothing into something. That we didn’t destroy but created.
But hold your horses, some subterranean voice rasps. What if there’s no it to expel; what if it’s just … you? Me. Us. This is my least favourite theory and I try not to think about it too much. It turns out I have, over the past couple of years, been trying to avoid my chaotic maelstrom of thoughts, each rushing by like a high-speed train, by drowning them out altogether. This tactic has been as horrendously ill-advised as you might expect. I’ve discovered the hard way that thoughts always manage to find their way out. More on this later, but for now suffice to say it’s easier to shut a tangled mess of wires away in a drawer than to sit and patiently tease out the phone charger you actually need. I just don’t have any patience, not when all of time is condensed into a too-bright present threatening my senses and pounding my heart. In many ways, this is an exercise in expanding time. Sitting in it. My fingers are already rapidly bashing the keys, getting it out. Get out.
I figured it was too dangerous to step out in front of the train; it’s just common sense. I travelled from Darlington to Cambridge via Peterborough often when I was studying in Cambridge, and I’d always lose my breath when a high-speed train rushed through Peterborough, not stopping there, threatening to suck me (back pressed against the window of the Pumpkin Cafe) under its belly, away. No matter how far away you are from the platform edge, you can’t avoid the way it breaks the wind in twain, the ruthless way it empties lungs.
I tried the Headspace app once and the silky voice encouraged me to imagine my thoughts passing me by. I remember a graphic of a little person sitting on a seat by a main road, just allowing her thoughts to drive by like crudely drawn cars, watching them without engaging. For me, though, it’s always felt like that high-speed train. Like I’m standing tiptoe in front of the line on the station platform, constantly on the brink of being destroyed. I try to disengage, to acknowledge that ‘my thoughts aren’t me’ and that ‘thoughts aren’t necessarily true’, but it’s easier said than done when, well, your thoughts are you. Me. A bundle of unthinkable thoughts. A train.
Mam used to be quite into interpreting dreams when my twin sister Liv and I were little. There was a time when there would be dream encyclopaedias, palm-reading manuals and horoscopes scattered around the house, ready for consultation. According to journeyintodreams.com – a website that, with all due respect, holds no candle to the glossy nineties manual exuding platitudinous wisdom in pastel colours and textbook fonts that we would flick through – a dream about trains signifies:
Your Path and Journey in Life
Power and Strength
Connection
Stability and Structure
Setting and Reaching Goals
Purpose and Mission
Movement and Motion
New Opportunities
Regrets and Failure
Vague and irresistible. But I’ve never dreamt of trains. Similar amorphous themes appear, though, in almost all the random searches I’ve done. According to this particular website, dreams about puppies, for example, are about loyalty and trust, defence and protection, service and duty – the list goes on.
Once Mam saw, or thought she saw, a black and white puppy on our front square of grass early one dewy morning, just sitting there with its tiny head cocked to one side in apparent curiosity. Even on the most usual of days this would’ve been a very strange occurrence in our little cul-de-sac in Billingham – a small, industrial, north-eastern town neighbouring Middlesbrough – or any cul-de-sac most likely, but today was especially auspicious (or ominous, depending on how you looked at it). That’s because the previous night she’d vividly dreamt that our next-door neighbour’s recently deceased father told her that they, the neighbours, should get his grandson a dog for companionship.
Whether the dog had been a real-life physical presence, looking into our living room window before darting off around the corner never to be seen again, or whether the icy clarity of the dream had slipped seamlessly into daylight as Mam sipped her instant coffee, the dog was rescued and a companion it made. Mam had a tendency, too, arising from a long and immensely difficult-to-grapple-with depression, to see and/or hear things that weren’t really there. Maybe that was it.
The dining room was purple. Beneath a chandelier dripping plastic raindrops, Mam would sit at the square dining table with us, one of our palms cradled in hers. She’d explain to us, running her index finger down the young map of grooves, about what she called the lifeline (or, because it was the most important one to my mind, what I thought of as the root line), the love line, the creativity line. The crease down the edge of our pinkies revealed how many babies we would hav e. It could be a morbid business, with hairline fractures splintering from the root line suggesting a life cut short, or illness, but we always kept it light. Sadly, my hands kept some secrets to themselves.
We only ever ate dinner or tea at the table on birthdays or at Christmas, when Mam would make little finger sandwiches, elegantly prop up specially bought napkins in plastic flutes, and bring out scones – and Bucks Fizz or Babycham, if we were lucky.
Our Grandma, my mam’s mam, would comb our hair for nits at that table, smoothing the serum down after dragging it across our scalp with that unforgiving metal comb, trying to be gentle as we wriggled impatiently. In delighted horror I once watched as she retrieved a meaty brown bug from one of our heads and cracked it between the hard nails of her thumb and forefinger. Her cheeky, deliciously dark sense of humour runs through our family, or so I see it, like a protective spell. If you don’t laugh, after all, you’ll cry. On a walk one time through the local ecology park – which us kids grew fearful of in time as stories circulated of walkers stumbling upon bodies hanging from trees – she grabbed a metal fence separating the muddy walkway from a field and pretended it electrocuted her. She stopped straight away with a laugh, and whether in tears or laughter, or both, we howled. Or stood silently, mouths agape. I can’t remember. But I can still feel my paranoia occupying the shady gaps between deep-set trees, waiting for the unthinkable to come into view, and I can still hear the crack of that fat nit, feel the odd, shameful, pleasurable rush that rippled through me like a secret.
There’s a name for what my hands have been doing to me, or perhaps what I’ve been inflicting on them: excoriation disorder, or dermatillomania. According to the NHS, it’s a body-focused repetitive behaviour, for me manifesting in the roving of fingertips over flesh in search of foreign life, bumps and craters. Like a planet suddenly revealed to be home to deep-buried precious metal, greedily ransacked for shallow happiness. Even in the depths of the night they scan, and when I wake up there will be tender places where the surface has been so damaged, the same area tortured dozens of times, that dots of blood bloom through my cotton T-shirt. For whatever reason, I focus on my face and shoulders and chest. It can be anywhere, though, and for other people it’s hands or legs or arms. Another expression takes the form of pulling hairs out; that version is called trichotillomania.
My dermatillomania has been spreading like wildfire lately, and I don’t like to leave the house. I’m 15 again, unwilling to even go to the corner shop without wearing a full face of slap. Logically, I know that people won’t notice the constellations of scabs on my cheeks with the telescopic precision I do – we’re all so preoccupied with ourselves – but there’s nothing at all logical about tearing at your own bleeding skin even while it’s hurting, while it’s begging you to stop, while you’re begging you to stop. Inside my mind, I’m pummelling a thick glass window with balled fists, my mouth is moving silently, rapidly, tears are streaming down to my top lip, she’s screaming at me to stop, but I can’t hear her. I’m trying to.
The red marks are becoming deeper now after years of reopening old wounds, purpling like bruises in places. But still my fingers rage on, ravenous, burning pre-existing marks wider and faster than fire consuming paper, edges curling in. It used to only be my face and shoulders. All teenagers get spots and all teenagers pick them. But now my chest is raw and scarred, my face flaking, deep-scarred, and like a painter my eye still scouts fresh canvas.
It’s estimated that between 1% and 5% of people suffer from dermatillomania, the vast majority being female. In the DSM-5, the fifth edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, which is widely used to help diagnose these kinds of disorders, skin picking disorder, also known as excoriation disorder, is currently categorized as an ‘obsessive-compulsive and related disorder’, seen as being similar to OCD but not the same. A cousin to OCD. Whatever the hell it is, I feel it’s an addiction. These obsessive-compulsive and related disorders, including trichotillomania and body dysmorphic disorder, can be extremely debilitating for sufferers unable in many cases to stop damaging themselves – in my case, for the ‘release’ I get, the lightning-shooting-out-of-fingertips high.
It’s not easy to admit to or talk about, and the commensurate shame, guilt and embarrassment are commonplace among sufferers. It has, though, been a recognised psychological disorder for well over 100 years; in 1875, English surgeon and dermatologist Erasmus Wilson (a distant relative? My grandad’s a Wilson) coined the term ‘neurotic excoriation’ to describe out-of-control picking behaviours. It’s not often spoken about because, well, it’s embarrassing. And because they’re ‘normal’ behaviours that have spiralled out of control, telling people often prompts a ‘just stop then’ response. I’ve been asked whether I’m self-harming (‘no, or at least, I don’t think I am in the way you’re implying’) and why I’m doing it (‘I don’t know, doctor, that’s why I came’).
It’s never simple. Like all psychiatric disorders, a whole entangled world of experiences, triggers, traumas, days out at the beach, embraces, words you shouldn’t have said, words you wish you had said, all of it, lies beneath. Bottled up, bubbling away beneath the surface, the resulting behaviour bursts out in weird ways that are uncomfortable to face. Such as wrecking your skin in secret.
Picture the blurred figure of a woman, sitting in a quiet room, nervously rubbing her hands together while waiting for the doctor to appear. She’s hunched over, probably rehearsing in her mind the exact combination and order of words she’ll use to describe what’s wrong, what is to her mind the best and only way to properly communicate her ailment, though maybe that’s not the right word, to a stranger. She’s probably terrified of being misunderstood, diagnosed wrongly and irreversibly. Perhaps in her hands there’s a crinkled note on which she’s scribbled some brief prompts, things she definitely wants to mention, in case her mind goes blank, her mouth dry, breathing laboured. She’s so nervous she unconsciously runs her fingers over her face, pausing at any irregularities, as she tries to compose her thoughts and slow her beating heart.
Our subject is the 47-year-old patient of William James Erasmus Wilson, the man who brought ‘neurotic excoriation’ into psychiatric, if not common, parlance. She was initially known to me only as Case 1.– A maiden lady, referenced as such in one of Wilson’s Lectures on Dermatology delivered between 1871 and 1873 to England’s Royal Society of Surgeons. But as I read her story, I unwittingly started calling her Lacy.
In the run-up to her appointment Lacy had been reading to a deaf person in a ‘close, hot room’ for five hours a day. No more information is given on this unusual titbit. Perhaps the person wasn’t completely deaf, could lip-read, or maybe it was simply for companionship. Who knows? Whatever the case, the activity gave rise to a ‘considerable exhaustion’ apparently compounded by Lacy’s anxiety to perform the duty satisfactorily. I imagine the room lined with heavy, faded, green-velvet curtains that trail the floor, thick rugs and shadows. Lacy sits on an unexceptional wooden chair, reading aloud and worrying whether she’s trying hard enough to do it well.
Although this particular iteration of her unquiet mind is relatively new, Wilson notes, she has since her twenties suffered from bouts of fainting and ‘considerable strain on her nerves’. She ‘has the face spotted over’ with 15–20 small abrasions of various ages. A couple are fresh wounds. Others are dulling, darker – old but kept alive by her unstoppable, agitated hands.
She explains that the rise of spots and bumps is accompanied by a sense of ‘fullness’, itchiness and irritation, and that she has ‘no chance of peace until she … rubbed them or scratched them and produced a flow of blood’. I know the feeling. Wilson eruditely observes that ‘in that case, the uneasiness ceased’. But if he got close to glimpsing the truth of the disorder, he was unfortunately a bloke very much of his time, speculating that the cause of her strange malady could be ‘perverted religious enthusiasm’, or perhaps – you guessed it – ‘sexual irritation’, inadvertently hitting on the immutable fact that no one can have it all.
