Connection, p.36
Connection, page 36
Heading back into the bathroom, she cleaned up the clippings. Taking her tank top in hand, she tried to decide whether or not to put it back on. Not quite ready to give up covering, she slid the shirt over her head and returned to her bed. Sleep came swiftly.
****
Remmy felt like a complete asshole as she snuck back into the house. Her bedroom door clicked closed and she turned to the room, only lit by the moonlight streaming in through the window over the bed. Quickly undressing, she threw her clothing to the floor and climbed under the sheet.
She hadn’t intended to enter their field and seduce Julie’s dream alter ego. She had been so worked up over the past several days, each day seeming to be filled with more touching, more teasing. It had left her frustrated and in need of release. She’d even considered heading over to a bar in another county, maybe finding some woman and fucking her brains out, just to get Julie out of her head.
Not only could she not bring herself to do that, she knew the chances of her finding someone in these backwoods towns were slim to none. She’d considered touching herself and getting it over with, but with Julie’s bedroom right next door, for some reason she felt it was better to get some fresh air. So, unable to sleep, with her body on fire, she had pulled herself out of bed.
The desire for fresh air led to Overlook Hill, which led to Remmy being alone, which inevitably led to thoughts of Julie, which led right back to her sexual frustration. Before she knew it, her hand was in her shorts and she was walking through the field toward the beautiful woman standing by their lake.
“Damn,” she whispered in the darkness, still able to smell her own desire on her fingertips. What would she do if Julie remembered? What if she figured it out? “Damn, damn.” She hated herself for not being able to keep herself under control when it came to Julie. Sometimes she felt that moving into Julie’s house was one of the stupidest things she’d ever done.
What was she going to do? Julie was her friend, her best friend, and she loved her. Remmy’s dark eyebrows drew together as she stared up at the ceiling fan, watching the blades lazily turn. She loved Julie; that was no secret, no big deal. As close as she felt to her, as bonded as they were, she felt like she had loved Julie since the day she’d been given a ride in the white Miata. But now, living with her, she realized that her day wasn’t complete without seeing one of Julie’s special smiles, seemingly saved just for her. She hurt when Julie wasn’t with her, missing her badly while she was at the convenience store.
Remmy had known love: love for Monica; love for her mother, at least until she was fourteen; but this was different. This was a love that was so deep it made her soul ache because she couldn’t find the words to express to Julie just how important she was in her life. Just how much she felt her, in her heart and in her soul. When Julie was sad, she felt sad. If Julie was happy, Remmy was overjoyed. She needed Julie like she needed her next breath.
“Shit.” She rolled over onto her side and stared at the bedside clock. It was nearly three-thirty in the morning. “What am I going to do?”
Chapter Fifty-seven
When Julie woke up in the morning, Remmy was gone. She knew that Remmy had come home from her midnight foray because her bedroom door was pulled closed, as per usual, and there was a juice glass in the dishwasher, along with a small plate from Remmy’s morning toast.
As the day wore on, she had to work harder to keep her growing anger in check. Her irritation sprang not only from what Remmy had done last night, but also from her apparent avoidance of a face-to-face, which really pissed Julie off. She was an upfront kind of person, always facing her own bad decisions or judgments, and she expected the same from the people around her. Remmy hadn’t lived up to that expectation, and so Julie stayed angry.
****
Julie managed to keep herself busy around the house, all the while looking forward to the end of summer so she would no longer have to be a full time homebody. She loved her home, loved making it comfortable and attractive, but she was sick and tired of being there all of the time. At one point, she jumped in her car, loaded Bonnie and Clyde, and went to the park. The dogs ran and romped and played together, while Julie enjoyed the time out of the house and just sitting in the sun. She was tempted to run by the store and chew Remmy a new one, but decided that wasn’t an appropriate thing to do to someone at their job; it could wait. She hoped Remmy would come home after work. If she avoided an encounter one more time, Julie was going to skin her alive. They obviously needed to talk.
****
Remmy took Joan up on her offer to stay late to help take inventory, but she knew it was only buying her an extra hour before she had to go home and face the music. She felt that Julie knew about the dream seduction, and she felt—even more strongly—that Julie was not happy.
The walk home went far too quickly for Remmy’s liking, but finally she couldn’t put it off any longer. She took a deep breath and braced for the worst, then opened the screen door, unlocked the front door, and pushed inside. The house smelled of bleach. Shit. Julie had been doing some deep cleaning; not a good sign.
Remmy went upstairs to her bedroom and changed into her shorts, then went to the bathroom, brushed out her hair, and finally went downstairs. She found Julie sitting at the kitchen table, reading the newspaper.
“Hey,” she greeted tentatively as she poured herself an iced tea and topped off Julie’s glass.
Julie didn’t answer, her focus fixed on the paper. She had read the same paragraph four times since she’d heard the front door open. Remmy leaned against the kitchen counter, sipping her tea as she kept her eyes on the bowed head. “How was your day?”
Julie took a deep breath, looking up and meeting timid blue eyes. “How was my day?” she asked, slamming the newspaper on the table. “My day was peachy.” She shoved her chair back, legs skidding on the kitchen tile. “But, as peachy as it was, I must say it was pretty damn boring compared to my night.” When Remmy looked away, Julie knew it was because she felt guilty. Bingo. “I guess your night was pretty darn exciting, too, wasn’t it?”
“Julie, listen—”
“No!” Julie held up her hand, cutting off anything Remmy might have to say. Now that she’d begun, had Remmy in front of her, Julie’s anger boiled over. “Our lake is supposed to be somewhere I can go to feel safe. It’s a place where I can be protected and have all the darkness taken away. It’s not a personal playground for you, Remmy. It’s our place, our special place, not your seduction scene.” She was surprised to feel tears trickling down her cheek. She swallowed, trying to calm herself, unable to look at Remmy. When she continued, her voice had softened. “You violated something very sacred. It really hurts.”
Remmy harnessed her own emotions before speaking. “I can’t say that I’m sorry, because somehow ‘sorry’ just doesn’t seem enough. I never meant for that to happen, Julie, I swear.”
“Then why did it?”
“Because I want you so goddamn bad! But there is nothing in this world that could make me hurt you or scare you or push you away from me. I don’t know what you want. I’m so damn confused… My thoughts just got away from me. Our lake is always how I connected with you, always how I reached you, and I guess I was so desperate to reach out to you, it just kind of happened.” Running out of words, Remmy waited for the worst.
Julie felt Remmy’s anguish. And she’d admitted what she had done and didn’t try to excuse it. Her anger draining from her, Julie still needed time to think, time away from Remmy. She grabbed up the newspaper and her tea. “Look, I’m going to, uh...I need some time.”
Remmy watched Julie go out into the backyard and curl up in one of the patio chairs, the newspaper lying forgotten on the table next to her. With a heavy sigh, Remmy grabbed her own tea and went upstairs to her bedroom.
****
Julie had always been amazed by sunsets. Despite how many she had seen, each time she saw a new one, she was dumbstruck all over again. She watched as the brilliant pinks painted the undersides of the clouds, enjoyed the almost perfect silence as the colors spread across the sky, tinting everything around her with the brilliance.
The newspaper still lay on the table next to her, folded neatly, her glass of tea now just a few pea-sized bits of ice floating in water. Her legs were pulled up, heels tucked into the seat cushion beneath her, arms wrapped around her shins. She rested her chin on her knees, watching as the colors began to lose their brilliance as twilight slowly swallowed the day.
She felt lonely. That was an unusual feeling for her. She so often lived her life in her own head, contemplating herself and the world around her, she rarely, if ever, felt lonely. Now, sitting on her back patio, the silence around her, she felt lonelier than she ever had in her life. The good part, and the bad part, was that she knew why she was feeling so low. Her heart was no longer her own, and her own company no longer made her complete or content. She was connected to another, and that other person wasn’t with her. She felt as though Remmy had cut her off somehow, as though the innate communication between them had been turned off or tuned to another station, leaving her swaddled in a heavy silence.
Julie knew it was up to her to fix things between them, though she wasn’t at all sure how it could be done. Deciding she had been by herself long enough, she stood, scooped up her glass and the newspaper, and went inside. Waiting until Bonnie and Clyde ran inside, she locked the French doors.
Glass in the dishwasher, newspaper on the counter, Julie shut off the downstairs lights and made her way to the second floor. Remmy’s bedroom door was closed, which didn’t surprise her in the least. She didn’t stop to listen to see whether Remmy was still awake. She moved on to her own bedroom, hand poised to flick on the light.
****
Remmy sat with her back against the headboard, legs stretched out on the bed, bare feet crossed at the ankles. The TV was on, but she wasn’t watching the program. She’d been staring off into space; she had no idea for how long. It wasn’t until she heard a soft knock on her door that she realized night had fallen, the soft glow from the television providing the only light in the room.
“Come in,” she called nervously, waiting as the door opened and Julie stepped inside. Their gazes met for a moment before Julie’s eyes dropped as she made her way over to the bed. Remmy scooted over, making room if Julie wanted to sit down.
“What are you watching?” Julie asked.
With not a clue as to what was on, Remmy glanced over at the TV. Her smile was sheepish. “I have no idea.”
Julie understood. She sat on the edge of the bed. She could see that Remmy was just as conflicted as she was, the typically calm eyes filled with regret and pain. Julie took a deep breath, as if to say something, but she realized that she had no idea what to say. In that moment it seemed there was only one thing to do. She leaned over and placed a soft kiss on Remmy’s lips, then drew back just enough to see the startled look on her face. She leaned in again, pressed her lips against Remmy’s again, this time lingering, basking in the feel of her soul opening, offering a door for Remmy to walk through.
****
Setting her surprise aside, Remmy felt the emptiness she’d been feeling all day begin to disappear. She felt Julie’s lips open to her, inviting her inside, an invitation she quickly accepted. She heard a soft sigh as Julie’s tongue brushed against her own, one of Julie’s hands coming up to rest on her shoulder.
As the kiss deepened, Julie scooted further onto the bed. The hand that had rested on the side of her face curved around to the back of her neck, gently pressing her mouth more firmly against Remmy’s, the gentle exploration within igniting a fire deep inside of her. She wanted more.
Remmy felt herself pressed down to the mattress. Her body slid down into a reclining position, and she adjusted the pillow beneath her head as Julie moved on top of her, their bodies flush, lips never parting. Remmy stroked Julie’s back, tracing random patterns on the thin cotton of her shirt, the skin beneath warm and pliant. As the kiss continued, Remmy was well aware that she had an unimaginable responsibility—rebuilding Julie’s comfort and enjoyment with intimacy after her experience with a world of physical pain and sexual torture and abuse.
****
Julie felt tentative hands caress from her back to her hips, a fingertip just barely brushing the skin of her lower back where her shirt had ridden up. She broke the kiss, panting. As she stared down into Remmy’s flushed face, Julie reached back to grasp Remmy’s hand and place it under the hem of her shirt.
“Touch me, Remmy. Please, touch me,” she whispered. After a brief hesitation, both of Remmy’s hands slid up underneath Julie’s t-shirt and ran all along the smooth, strong back. Julie’s head fell forward to rest against the strong shoulder beneath her, her mind racing. She knew she should feel panicked, she should feel wicked shame, but she didn’t. She felt the love Remmy had for her, and the gentleness in her touch. Remmy had replaced so many horrid memories with brand new wonderful ones, and Julie wanted this to be no different. She wanted the memory of her body being touched to be that of Remmy making love to her. She needed to shed that shell, hard and prickly, created by Sergio Venti.
Suddenly Julie pulled away, sat up, and straddled Remmy’s hips. She grabbed the hem of her shirt in both hands and tugged it over her head. The shirt flew off into the eerie shadows created by the light of the television.
Remmy’s eyes feasted on Julie’s perfect breasts, the smooth skin of her stomach, the delicate structure of her shoulders and collar bones. “I have never seen anything so beautiful,” she whispered.
Her hands moved up Julie’s sides, tactile bliss, until they cupped the pert breasts. Julie’s eyes slid closed and her head fell back. Her nipples were instantly hard against rough palms. Remmy’s mouth found Julie’s as surprisingly strong arms wrapped around Remmy’s neck and drew her closer. This kiss took on a new aspect; it was hotter, deeper, and filled with so much need.
Julie needed to feel Remmy’s skin against her own, so she broke away from the kiss and tugged at the hem of Remmy’s shirt, swiftly pulling it over Remmy’s head and immediately finding Remmy’s mouth again. She moaned as their naked breasts pressed together. “God, this feels incredible,” she murmured against Remmy’s lips.
Remmy moved away from her mouth, finding Julie’s neck, suckling and kissing, much as she’d done at their lake. One of her hands moved up between them, cupping Julie’s breast, rolling the rigid nipple against her palm before taking it between two of her fingers.
Julie gasped, a hand moving up to cup the back of Remmy’s dark head as the avid mouth kissed and licked a trail down across one collar bone, ending with a nipple in her mouth. “Oh, Jesus,” Julie whispered.
Remmy gently pushed Julie back until she lay down, her head at the end of the bed. She hovered above her, looking into her eyes, waiting for assurance that this position was okay.
Julie reached for her, pulling her down on top of her. “Make me forget,” she whispered, cupping Remmy’s face, pressing it down to her breasts. Eyes closed, head turned to the side, Julie felt herself open up even more as Remmy took that first step inside of her, joining with her. It was so beautiful, it was almost painful. She could feel Remmy inside her skin.
Remmy stroked Julie’s hip, curving her hand along the underside of one of her thighs and gently bending one of Julie’s legs at the knee, the other leg instinctually doing the same, Remmy’s body fitting snugly between. She knew, as well she knew her own name, that she was home as she tasted Julie’s skin, heard her soft gasps and cries. She felt her own heart pounding in Julie’s chest.
Julie felt her shorts being unbuttoned, and then slid down her legs. She opened her eyes, watching as Remmy knelt between her spread legs, lifting her hips as Remmy removed her panties. This was the ultimate test—lying there in all her nakedness. Her ability to give that gift to someone was something that Sergio had taken from her. She watched Remmy’s eyes carefully, reading her expression.
Meeting the troubled eyes, Remmy leaned up and cupped Julie’s face. “I love you, Julie,” she said softly, leaning down and placing a soft kiss on full lips.
The dam broke and the tears began. Remmy laid herself down between Julie’s legs again, resting on her forearms as she cupped Julie’s face. Soft kisses rained down upon Julie’s lips, her cheeks, her forehead, and moist eyes. “Why are you crying?” Remmy whispered against Julie’s lips.
Julie’s hands buried themselves in Remmy’s hair. “I thought I’d never be able to do this again, never be able to give myself to someone and not feel ashamed.”
Though Julie’s whisper was barely audible, Remmy heard it. But even more, she felt it in the depths of her soul.
“Julie, he used your body, but he never reached your heart, never touched your soul.” She kissed Julie softly. “Your heart, your soul, those are the gifts, the rest is just the wrapping. The wrapping may be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, but your soul,” another kiss, “that’s the most beautiful thing in the world. No one can take that away, no one can touch that.”
“No one but you.” Julie drew Remmy down for a long, deep kiss that left them both panting. “Make love to me, Remmy.”
Remmy removed the rest of her own clothing, then settled her body atop Julie’s, her mouth exploring across Julie’s upper chest, hand massaging Julie’s hip, fingernails trailing along her sides, making Julie shiver. She began to kiss her way down, taking in each breast, one at a time, sucking hard nipples. She felt Julie’s fingers in her hair, pushing her deeper. Julie’s moan was long and languid as Remmy’s body slid even lower, her intent clear.
