In memory of us, p.1
In Memory of Us, page 1
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For my dear friends, the three Anns:
Ann Sarge
Ann Germanacos
A.K.
With love
PART ONE
ONE
ZORA
We were joined at the hip – that’s not a metaphor. We walked with disjointed, ambling steps in perfect symbiosis, swaying from side to side, but never falling. We were dressed in two pink-and-white smocks that billowed into one from the waist down. There were no photographs, but I would picture us as babies, joined together, smiles wide.
I remembered every detail of the separation. Tubed and monitored, we shared a hospital bed side by side, the only possible position. You were a kicker; your left leg swung into my right at regular intervals all through the night. From our window we saw the Houses of Parliament and boats drifting down the Thames. The chimes of Big Ben resonated hourly, vibrating through our diaphragm (always referred to in the singular).
Our separation was the talk of the hospital. Piercing whispers circulated round us.
‘Aren’t they sweet?’
‘Such pretty little things.’
‘How does anyone tell them apart?’
‘Look at that black curly hair…’
‘… And those lovely dark eyes.’
‘Coo-ee. Come on, darlings, give us a smile.’
‘It must be strange for them.’
‘They don’t know they’re different. To them, all this is normal.’
‘They’re joined here, and here, you see? They’re very fortunate. No vital organs are involved.’
Doctors and nurses stood above us, proclaiming the phenomenon we were. They examined us minutely, measuring each response and finding new ways to emphasise our difference, a source of sorrow for you – you couldn’t bear the thought of us divided. Eventually they split us in two. I’ve always thought that two were better than one, but of course you begged to differ.
Our scars were long, fibrous lumps that ended mid-thigh. You would run your finger over yours, claiming it was testimony to the whole that we once were.
There was a wall in our bedroom filled with collages you’d made, each piece overlapping, faces doubled, carefully cut from magazines. Twin girls. They were there for years, even when we had outgrown them, because you were compelled to keep them visible. When I asked you about it you said that if you had been a doctor of medicine, or a psychologist, your need to study twins wouldn’t have been seen as strange, it would have been rewarded with research grants and sabbaticals. You always wanted to grasp why the pair of us existed. There was a documentary you watched that said identical twins were a kind of cosmic joke, God’s little prank on an unsuspecting world. You relished the description.
Our mother, Viv, found us exhausting. She’d only wanted one baby, but she’d got two. When our father Rudy came home from work, she looked at him tearfully and said, ‘They only want to be with each other, they’re hardly aware of anyone else. How can I look after them? They don’t even seem to notice me. I don’t feel like their mother. I don’t know what to do with them.’ Viv believed that we were everything to one another and had no need of her.
‘You’re exhausted, Viv, that’s all,’ Rudy replied. ‘Two babies at the same time when you already have a toddler would exhaust anyone. They’re doing fine, everybody says so. Just give it a bit more time. We’ll manage.’
‘Of course we will, Rudy,’ our mother said, though it was clear from the anxious look that was still on her face that she didn’t really believe it.
Our mother had pale, slightly freckled skin, and long, thick hair, parted in the middle. Each morning, she would brush it with impatient strokes. She disliked its auburn colour, but we knew it was beautiful – our mum was beautiful. Her smile was warm (though she didn’t allow herself to smile often enough) and she had long, slim legs; her hips swung elegantly when she walked. Our father was tall and muscular with tight black curls, brown skin and glasses that gave him the look of a Caribbean Clark Kent. I often hoped he’d turn into Superman. And then there was our brother: kind, generous Cal, the only other person we wanted to play with. Eighteen months older than us, he knew the best games. He had racing cars, planes and Meccano. He taught us to make cranes, complete with string, that would lift tiny objects when we turned the handle. We loved the story of Little Red Riding Hood, so our mother made you and me red cloaks from old velvet curtains, and a wolf suit for Cal, cut from an old fake fur coat, with pointy ears and a tail. At first he chased us all over the house, his growls loud and rumbling, but we soon tamed him, and he went to live in a den at the bottom of our tiny garden, where the Riding Hoods fed him biscuits and cake – much tastier than grandmothers or small children. Do you remember Cal? Do you remember how it was when there were five of us in our south London house?
Perhaps you don’t remember living there. Perhaps, in time, you won’t remember much at all. I will keep reminding you. But whatever happens next, I know you will remember Harriet. I know you will remember her.
TWO
SELINA
Lydia is late. The café is full. The only available table is squeezed into a corner by the door. Whenever anyone enters or leaves, I feel a blast of cold air around my neck. A small boy is running up and down the narrow space between the chairs. He jabs me in the calf with his action figure, laughing at the joke. He is impervious to my hard stare. The local mother and toddler group has commandeered most of the space. Women struggle to make themselves heard over the shrill sounds of free-range children. I feel out of place. The mothers are dressed competitively in designer casuals. Short jersey dresses with chunky lace-up ankle boots are the order of the day. My trousers are khaki-dull. My shoes are scuffed. My baggy shirt is frayed at the sleeves. I could have dressed up for this meeting but I’m tired of making an effort.
I peer out of the window onto the street, hoping to see Lydia. There is no sign. Perhaps she’s changed her mind about coming. I’ll give it another ten minutes, then go. I decide to get a choux bun from the counter. Anxiety fuels a need for cake. As I walk back to my table, I see that the small boy with the pointy toy has nabbed my seat. He is poking his finger into the dregs of my coffee cup. This time, he does respond to the stare I give him and scuttles off. The victory boosts my confidence, although the ability to suppress a three-year-old really shouldn’t count for much.
The smell of bacon fills the air as the mothers’ breakfast subs are carried to their table. They squeal about self-indulgence and the need to return to the diet tomorrow. They are all as thin as celery sticks, pretty and pale. At school, if we’d been contemporaries, they would have been a clique. They would have despised my awkwardness and the golden glow of my skin. They would have preferred Zora by a small margin, despite us being the same. They would have been fascinated by our twinship however much they would have wanted to ignore us. Lydia would have scorned them without mercy. Zora would have turned her back on them (literally). I would have stayed silent in the face of their contempt.
Just as I decide Lydia definitely isn’t coming, I see her pushing open the glass door. She is still recognisable after all these years. I doubt if the same can be said of me so I wave to get her attention. She peers at me as if she thinks that I’m an imposter. Then she smiles coolly. She embraces me before taking a seat at the table.
We were close once, Lydia and I. But I haven’t seen her for decades. I don’t know if I want to be here. I don’t know why I asked her to come.
‘It’s so good to see you,’ she says, but I’m not sure she means it.
‘You too,’ I reply, and yet I feel uneasy. Perhaps there’s a reason we haven’t kept in touch.
She orders coffee, speaking dismissively to the waitress, who responds with extra nods to ‘madam’, as if condescension is all she deserves.
Lydia has continued to be beautiful. Her hair is still dark, dyed expensively. There are subtle colour tones and small streaks of grey. Retained for… author something? What’s the word I’m looking for? I’ll have to concentrate. I can’t afford to use the wrong words. Lydia might see there is something wrong with me.
She is wearing a brown dress. Her jacket is the same shade of green as her eyes. Her make-up has been cleverly applied to emphasise her perfect mouth. I know my chin has sagged. My face has filled and coarsened with age. But Lydia’s has retained the fragility of youth. I am envious of her poise and her ability to put me in my place with barely a word. I feel fourteen again, wanting to impress, wishing I’d made an effort with my clothes.
‘So how have things been?’ I ask as the waitress brings the coffee to the table.
She smiles to convey the impossibility of summarising almost four decades in a sentence or two, surrounded by the young in a coffee shop. She doesn’t reply.
My fingers grip the corner of the tablecloth. I don’t want Lydia to see I’m anxious about this meeting.
She leans forward and her expression changes to one of concern. ‘I heard about Zora’s—’
I cut her off, panic rising. ‘We’re not here to discuss Zora, I’m not talking about her now.’ I don’t want to talk about Zora. I can’t.
L
‘Forgive you?’ I ask, hoping she’ll say more. I need to fill the gaps.
‘It was all a very long time ago,’ Lydia replies, gazing towards a point beyond my head.
She examines her empty coffee cup. She’s left dark red lipstick on the rim. Then she says, in a softer tone, still not meeting my gaze, ‘I do regret it, you know, but we were very young, all of us. And I am pleased to see you, Selina, though I know you find that hard to believe. It’s been too long and I’ve missed you. Rupert and Amy and my youngest daughter, Laura, visit every now and then, and the entire family comes down at Christmas. But it’s not the same.’ She waits, as if she is hoping I’ll say my life hasn’t been the same without her either. I remain silent. She changes the subject. ‘I’m to be a great-grandmother, did anybody tell you? Emily – my oldest grandchild – is expecting a baby any day now. Isn’t that extraordinary? You never expect to reach an age where such a thing is possible.’
I’ve also reached old age with some surprise, though the alternative would have surprised me even more.
‘There’s no point in denying it: we are old now, Selina. I’m feeling it far more than I used to. Perhaps I should have exercised more or drunk a little less alcohol – who knows? But most of all, of course, it was the cigarettes. Do you remember how we all smoked like chimneys when we were young? No one told us it was bad for you. It was a sign of sophistication. They even said it was good for you once upon a time – cleared the lungs. Well, I’m paying for it now.’
Does she mean she’s ill? Is that why she’s agreed to meet with me? I ask her if an illness has been diagnosed. She waves the question aside. ‘You don’t expect to be in the peak of health at our age, do you? What I mean to say is, life’s too short for holding on to grievances. Why can’t we put the past behind us? When I was younger, I could afford to be patient, but I’m too old now to waste time with someone who sees me as the source of all their ills. The past is the past, Selina. It’s time to stop wallowing in things that can’t be changed.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Did that sound cruel? Insensitive? I’m sorry, I’m just tired of all the blaming. I’ve fallen out with a lot of people over the years – you know me, I’ve never suffered fools gladly. But I don’t have the energy for it anymore and that’s the truth of it.’ She looks put out.
I start to ask Lydia what she means once more. Before I can get through the phrase, I’ve forgotten how to reach the end of it. I’m stuck, without words, somewhere in the middle, not quite knowing what I wanted to say. Lately I’ve had to adapt the way I think and speak. I can’t seem to do long sentences anymore. Only short ones. My sentence was too long. I change the subject as quickly as I can.
Lydia is looking at me in a funny way, though she says nothing. She rummages in her Mulberry bag and pulls out a pair of glasses. She glances at the menu. ‘I think I might have some lunch. Adrian is away at the moment, so it will save me bothering to cook later on.’
‘Adrian?’
‘My husband.’
‘Which number is he?’
Lydia frowns slightly and says, ‘Michael and I divorced in the early eighties, you may remember. I married Julian in 1986, but he died in 2008. I met Adrian a couple of years later.’
Husband number three, then. Or have I missed one? I can’t seem to hold on to details anymore.
‘He’s taken his grandsons – by his first marriage – on a boating trip. There’s no incentive to cook when it’s just me, it’s too tedious. I’m sure you know about that even better than I do. Or perhaps you’re with someone now?’
I decide not to answer her question. I don’t want Lydia to know I’m on my own. She’ll never see it as a choice. To her, it will seem like failure. I’ll be someone that she pities. ‘What happened between us?’ I ask softly.
Lydia stares at me. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Why did we stop being friends?’
‘I’m not sure we did stop being friends as such, we simply drifted apart. People grow up, nothing stays the same. And I went back to America, of course. When it’s no longer possible to meet up with people it’s just too difficult to keep in touch. Do you fancy something to eat?’
I shake my head. I’m still full from cake.
Lydia places her order. She snaps the menu shut and hands it to the waitress.
There was something that altered our friendship, I know there was. Maybe I blocked it out years ago because it was too painful to remember. Or perhaps my illness has recently sucked it away. It’s there, in the back of my mind. It was my reason for getting in touch with Lydia again. I need to find out what happened. There are too many gaps. ‘Was it to do with Harriet?’
Lydia doesn’t reply. She takes a cigarette from her bag. I expect her to light it. But then she seems to remember that smoking in indoor, public spaces is no longer allowed. She puts it back again.
I’m afraid of Lydia. No, not afraid – what’s the word? Weary? Not weary, something else. I don’t quite trust her. She gives me a sense of unease. And yet, at the same time, she is familiar. Since the diagnosis, retaining a sense of the familiar has become so much more important.
As the waitress brings her lunch to the table, Lydia says, ‘I can see I should have made more of an effort to keep in touch, phoned you perhaps, but these days most conversations only take place in my head, which at least saves the disappointment of dealing with replies; the usual responses are trite and simply prove that the person you’re supposed to be conversing with hasn’t been listening at all.’
Yes, this makes total sense. If anyone disagreed with Lydia, she always assumed they hadn’t been listening. Otherwise, they would have seen her point of view.
Lydia pushes her glasses to the top of her head. She says, ‘I’ve often thought of writing to you. Not a letter as such – nobody writes those anymore, which is a pity I think – but perhaps an email. Only I don’t have your email address, and I couldn’t find any trace of you on social media. I’ve become quite good with technology. I thought if a six-year-old can master it, how hard can it possibly be?’ Lydia picks at a lettuce leaf and adds, ‘You think any difficulties we had were rooted in some kind of game I played with you. They weren’t, you know. Amy will bore you to death on the subject of where I went wrong with her if you give her half a chance. She says I don’t care for anyone because I have no feelings. It’s unkind, obviously, but it’s also wholly untrue. I’m just good at concealing what I feel. It was expected of you when we were growing up. I don’t understand why everybody wears their heart on their sleeve so much these days. Who was that awful man? Jerry Springer? And that British version – Kyle somebody? – always getting everyone to air every little grievance. It’s time to let go of the past.’
I start to laugh loudly and I can’t seem to stop. I am letting go of the past. It’s all slipping away from me. And I’ve asked Lydia here because I am desperate to hold on to every bit of it. She is one of the very few people who can help me to do it.
Lydia glances at me. ‘Are you all right?’ she says.
‘Something did happen between us, didn’t it? Something to do with Harriet? Is she the reason we haven’t kept in touch?’
She looks at me quizzically once more, as if I’ve said something stupid. Perhaps I have. I am starting to feel unnerved. My hands are sweaty. I try to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. Or should it be the other way round? But I can’t control my fear. I have to leave. I run towards the door. But just as I try to open it, I feel myself fall.
* * *
I awaken in a strange bed. Shafts of light flicker through the half-closed blinds. My mouth is dry. My throat is sore. I can taste the salty, metallic tang of blood. There is something covering my face. I pull it off. My head aches.
