There goes Warning Warning Warning again. That’s the eighth time today since I got home. I think the guards set it off deliberately just to make it seem like they’re busy.

  APRIL 4

  Now that I’m back Anne I have to tell you what happened last night over at Katherine’s.

  Everything started out like it was going to be a wonderful time. After school Katherine and I walked down 86th and first we stopped for slices of pizza. Granny’s almost gone but I’m still constant starving and I had to get something. Then we went in Elk Candy and each of us bought a marzipan fish to eat later. We aimed to cruise but there were gangs of older kids roaming and they looked like they were ready to wolf and we didn’t want to be surrounded so we flew.

  We went back to her apartment. Katherine’s parents weren’t home yet so we sat in the living room and listened to tapes on the good player. At five she started getting nervy and said we better stop because they’d be home soon and she didn’t want them to catch us. ‘Catch us what?’ I asked. ‘Doing anything in here’ Katherine said. Well as it turned out her mother didn’t get home until almost six. She fixed us Lean Cuisines in the microwave. We hadn’t eaten dinner because we were still full of pizza. I had chicken cacciatore and Katherine had chicken amandine. They were awful but I’ve had worse.

  ‘How are your classes Lola?’ her mother asked me. ‘Fine’ I said. ‘Do you like your teachers?’ ‘Very much’ I said which isn’t true true but close enough. ‘Looking forward to summer?’ ‘A lot’ I said. ‘Going anywhere?’ she asked but then she answered herself before I could. ‘Oh you wouldn’t be would you’ she said. Then she didn’t say anything else to me the rest of the evening. It was like she’d done her duty and she could get back to the real world.

  Katherine’s father came home at eight. He works late every night Katherine said and I know she wishes he worked later. He looked at me when he walked in but he didn’t say hello, he just went into the kitchen. Katherine and her mother got even edgier when he came in. Pretty soon we went to her room and she shut the door. ‘I’d lock it but it won’t’ she said. She lay down on the bed and sighed like she was going to cry. ‘What’s the matter?’ I asked. ‘Nothing’ she said and so I dropped it knowing she wouldn’t answer. Katherine turned on her stereo but kept the sound down. Her father hates any sort of noise and so her mother and Katherine get so quiet that you can hear pins drop if they’re all in the same room. They’re the jumpiest bunch I know.

  We sat on her bed looking at Seventeen magazines. ‘Would you wear that?’ she asked every three minutes. Every time I looked she’d show me some doof wearing a topless bikini or leather chaps or silver eye shadow. ‘Never in a million years would you?’ I’d say. ‘Maybe’ she said. ‘Well go ahead.’ ‘When are you moving back over here?’ ‘I don’t know soon I hope’ I said. ‘Is it really slummy over there?’ ‘Not really you have to come visit’ I said. ‘I told you they won’t let me’ she said. ‘Sneak over after school.’ ‘You sound like Lori.’ ‘I do not.’ ‘You do you won’t admit it. They’re right you know she was a bad influence’ she said. ‘She didn’t influence you’ I said. ‘She tried.’ ‘How?’ ‘Trying to get me to stay out later than I should. Shoplifting. If I was ever caught doing anything bad’ Katherine started to say but she didn’t finish. ‘She tried that all the time with me but if I didn’t want to I’d say no use and she’d let up’ I said. ‘You’re meaner than I am’ Katherine said. ‘Lori’s meaner than both of us put together’ I said. ‘She could be sometimes but you’re pretty equal’ Katherine said. ‘We’re not’ I said and wrestled her down. All at once she got real worried but we weren’t making any noise not enough to hear anyway. ‘Stop please stop’ Katherine said and I did. She’d have never said that if we’d been in my room.

  ‘What else did she try to teach you?’ I asked. ‘How to drink a beer it was so gro’ Katherine said. ‘She taught me how to kiss I knew already but she wanted to show me’ I said. ‘How’d she show you?’ ‘She kissed me.’ ‘On the mouth?’ ‘Yes and she tried to use her tongue but I wouldn’t let her’ I said. ‘She tried to use her tongue?’ Katherine asked. ‘Well Lori’s got such a big mouth it has to go somewhere’ I said.

  ‘What was it like was it okay?’ Katherine asked. ‘Since there weren’t tongues involved it was all right’ I said. ‘Show me’ she said and sat up with her face near mine. ‘Pucker up’ I said and I kissed her. She sat there like she was tasting something she’d never eaten before. ‘It lasts longer if it’s with a boy isn’t it?’ she asked. ‘Hours longer like for days because they’re brushing each other’s teeth with their tongues’ I said. ‘Lo!’ Katherine said looking disgusted. ‘Kiss longer so I can see what it’s like’ she said. ‘No tongues’ I said. ‘Okay.’ We kissed longer and it was nice but that was all. She smiled. ‘How was that?’ I asked. ‘One more time just one’ she said. ‘Kat you’re bad’ I said. ‘I’m not I just want to know what it’s like’ she said. ‘Can’t you tell?’ I asked. ‘Please.’ ‘Oh all right.’

  Well that’s when I should have put my foot down Anne. To shut her up I gave her a real face sucker and just as I did her mother opened the door. She didn’t say anything at all but just closed it and walked back down the hall. ‘Oh God oh God’ Katherine said. ‘You’re the one wanted to keep kissing’ I said but she wasn’t listening. ‘Oh God’ she kept saying. ‘What’s going to happen?’ I asked because she was so shaky I was getting all scared too. ‘I don’t know’ she said. We sat there for a half an hour and didn’t hear anything. Katherine just lay on the bed like she was paralyzed and I got up and sat at her computer chair looking through another magazine like I wasn’t worried. It didn’t seem to make her feel any better though.

  Then there was a knock on the door and her mother said ‘Katherine?’ before opening it. ‘Your father’s turned in and Lola’s bed is all made up on the couch. Say goodnight’ she said. ‘Lo can’t sleep in here?’ Katherine asked. ‘You remember what we talked about’ her mother said. When I looked at Katherine I knew she didn’t know what her mother meant. Katherine said ‘Okay’ but looked so deepdown like she wanted to die. ‘Lola knows where the bathroom is and has what she needs?’ her mother asked. Katherine nodded. ‘All right say goodnight’ her mother said. ‘Goodnight’ Katherine and I said. I picked up my backpack and followed her mother into the living room where sheets and blankets were spread out on the sofa. ‘Thank you’ I said. Her mother just nodded and left.

  I sat there a few minutes and then got up and went to the bathroom in the hall. When I tried to lock the bathroom door I saw the lock was missing and there was a hole where it had been. I stuffed up the hole with toilet paper and closed the door. While I was brushing my teeth I pressed my foot against the door so nobody could barge in. I didn’t know why I thought someone would but I worried. Five hours in her apartment and I was getting as serious crazy as they are.

  I got distracted popping a zit on my chin in the mirror and fiddled at the mirror for five minutes. After I washed my face I sat down to pee. I was putting in a new tampoon to be on the safe side when I saw the toilet paper wasn’t in the lock hole anymore! Oh Anne it wasn’t on the floor either. I stood up and went to the door and opened it but nobody was in the hall. It was dark and all the lights were out except in the bathroom and the living room down the hall. I heard Katherine groaning like she was having a bad dream. I almost went into her room to see if she was all right since I knew her door didn’t lock. Then I got more scared and didn’t. I ran back to the living room and pulled the blanket over me. It was too psycho but it was after ten and too late for me to go home unless I took a taxi and I didn’t have taxi money. It was quiet the rest of the night but it didn’t help me get to sleep. Finally I passed out but I don’t know when, it was late.

  The next morning I woke up early and got dressed. I had to pee so bad I was ready to pop and I decided to chance going to the bathroom there again. When I went in I stuffed the hole full of tissue and watched it the whole time I was sitting there but nothing happened. Katherine must have heard me and she came into the living room while I was packing my backpack. She looked sad and sleepy like a little match girl.

  ‘I’m sorry’ she said whispering. ‘That’s okay it wasn’t your fault’ I said. ‘Are you leaving?’ she asked. ‘I better’ I said. I really wanted to go home. ‘You don’t have to.’ ‘Were you having bad dreams last night?’ She wouldn’t look at me when I asked her. ‘Every night’ she said. She walked me to the door and was careful opening it so as not to make any noise. ‘How are you getting home?’ ‘The bus to the West Side’ I said. ‘I’ll see you at school Monday’ she said. Then she grabbed my arm and kissed me again. I kissed her back and I shocked myself Anne. Even before I thought about what I was doing we Frenched and kissed with tongues. We were both shocked I think and she came out with me in the hall looking green. ‘We’re not queers because we did that are we?’ Katherine said. ‘No we just kissed because we wanted to’ I said but maybe we were queers at least right at that moment. I don’t know what anybody else would think, that’s what I thought. ‘Bye’ we whispered and then I got in the elevator.

  So I don’t know which way is up Anne. Kissing Katherine doesn’t worry me as much as everything else that happened does. Maybe it should but it doesn’t. I know somebody was watching me in the bathroom last nigh and it wasn’t Katherine and I’m sure it wasn’t her mother. I don’t think Katherine was dreaming when I heard her groaning because she didn’t sound asleep. After I left I walked all the way up Broadway from 86th, it was so pretty out. I kept thinking about last night. Now I’ve spent all afternoon writing you Anne and I still don’t know if I’ve said anything I’ve wanted to. But I’m glad I’m home now Warning Warning Warning and all.

  Daddy had to work today I discovered because one of the other managers was fired. He has to go to work tomorrow at noon too. Mister Mossbacher is making out a new schedule for him Mama says. She didn’t look very happy about it and she didn’t say anything else about it.

  APRIL 5

  I was going to call Katherine today but didn’t. I got as far as picking up the phone but before I could call her I stopped and went back to my room instead. Boob was sitting on the bed rocking back and forth and looking out the window at the subways going by. ‘What’s the matter with you?’ she asked me. ‘I’m preoccupied’ I said. ‘What with?’ she asked. ‘A lot of things’ I said. ‘What things?’ ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ ‘Talk about what?’ ‘Shut up Boob’ I said and she started laughing. I decided to go for a long walk by myself. Mama got another manuscript on Friday afternoon so she kept busy today which is good. ‘Can I go too?’ Boob asked. ‘Watch TV Boob it’s good for you’ I said. ‘It asks so much and gives so little’ she said. She got that from Daddy, he says that all the time.

  I walked down as far as St John the Divine which will be the biggest cathedral in the world if they ever finish it. They’re not supposed to until the 22nd century. No one around now including me will ever know what it’ll wind up looking like. After that I walked along Riverside Drive for a while though I didn’t go into the park, which is down the hill by the river and seems much scarier than Central Park though it’s probably not any worse. Then I walked up and down some of the side streets looking at things. At the end of 111th Street is a fountain next to St John the Divine. It’s bronze and has a big moon grinning at you stuck on top of a crab and there’s an angel and some giraffes standing on top of the moon. There’s a devil’s head hanging off of one of the crab claws. It’s about the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen but I guess it’s religious or something. On 114th Street is a big rock behind a fence where a building should be. Mondel’s candy store on Broadway around the corner sells good fudge Mama says but I couldn’t have bought any even if it had been open. This morning I found my marzipan fish that I bought the other day when I was out with Katherine. At first I thought I’d save it as a keepsake. Then I wondered what I’d really want to remember later on so I went ahead and ate it. Every time I think about what a weird night that was I keep thinking I did something wrong even though I know I didn’t, I don’t think.

  Then I walked back up Broadway as far as 125th, just to say I’d been at the very edge of Harlem. I didn’t want to go any farther because the news says there’s trouble up there but they don’t say exactly where. What I notice most about our new neighborhood Anne is how many people live on the street here. In the morning when Boob and I go to school there’s always a lot of people sleeping in doorways and under blankets because there aren’t any doormen to chase them away. A couple even have little tents they put up. And in the afternoon they’re all still there, though they’re all awake by then. There was a woman lying on the sidewalk at 125th but I don’t think she was homeless, though you never know. Her blouse was unbuttoned and she had giant tits as big as watermelons. She was drunk I think. She kept shouting and then muttering to herself like she was goofed. An old woman stood over her saying she should go to church and the drunk woman kept saying Fuck White Jesus.

  Then who else should I see at the corner but that girl Iz I told you about last weekend when we first moved in. She was with another girl. ‘Hi’ I said. Neither one answered so I started to walk back over to my side of the street. I was on the Harlem side by the General Grant Houses which is a big ugly project though not as big and ugly as the one up the street. Before I crossed though Iz said ‘You talking to us?’ ‘Yes’ I said. ‘You done moving?’ she asked. I walked over to where they were standing. They were too cool to breathe but I could tell right away that Iz was just trying to impress the other girl, the way she was acting. ‘This is my girl Jude’ said Iz and Jude nodded. ‘What are you doing?’ I asked. ‘Loosin’ said Iz. ‘Not much’ she added. ‘What happened to that woman?’ I asked pointing to the lady in the street. ‘Bugged big’ Iz said. ‘She flying the Wild Horse’ said Jude who has a Caribbean accent which makes her sound like she’s singing even when she’s not. ‘What they call you?’ she asked me. ‘Lola’ I said.

  Jude is even taller than I am, maybe five nine, but I don’t think she’s much older if at all. She was wearing sweat pants and high tops and a T-shirt with a skull on the front with a knife in the teeth. Jude’s thin without being skinny. That is she has muscles like a runner. Jude has short hair like a boy and little tits but she has a plump sticky-out butt like most black girls have. She’s one of those black people that look like they could be a boy or a girl and look good either way. Iz is darker and fatter than Jude and has dreadlocks like Whoopi Goldberg so you can tell what she is right away. Black girls are prettier than white girls I think.

  ‘Habla Espan?’ Jude asked me. ‘No’ I said. ‘You look PR. You not?’ ‘No.’ ‘Why you living up here then?’ she asked. ‘To save money’ I said. Jude laughed. She has big pretty white teeth that look sharp. ‘One hand save the other take away. Always be paying, no saving here’ she said. ‘That’s right’ said Iz and they both laughed. They were making fun of me I thought and it pissed but I didn’t say anything. ‘You school with us?’ Jude asked. ‘No Jude she down over the wall she schools down here’ Iz said. I didn’t want to say I went to private school if I didn’t have to and I didn’t. Kids who go to public school usually think I think I’m too good for them if they find out I go to private school and hate me for it. Once in second grade some public school girls chased me trying to beat me up when I told them and ever since then I try not to say. ‘You loosin too?’ Jude asked. ‘Walking around. I’d better go back now though’ I said. ‘You better’ Jude said. ‘Bye’ I said. ‘We see you around’ Iz said. Then I came back home.

  Mister Mossbacher told Daddy his new schedule. He’ll be working weekends during the day twelve to eight and during the week from four to midnight. He’s off on Tuesdays and Fridays. Daddy says it should work out fine because he’ll be able to get more writing done but I don’t think he believes it. I know I don’t. Mama didn’t seem happy about it but she didn’t say anything. What could she say?

  I think Iz and Jude like me Anne but I can’t tell for sure. They’re different from my friends at Brearley, even or especially the black girls who go there. They’re what some snobs I know call street girls but that’s just because they go to public school. Iz and Jude act so much older than me though they’re not I don’t think. You can tell it in Jude’s eyes though, Anne, in her eyes she looks very old.

  APRIL 6

  Usually you get short shrift from me during the week Anne but not tonight. I have to write and tell you what happened today because I feel like I’m ready to explode if I don’t. I hope Daddy gets home soon but it’s only eleven and with his new schedule he won’t even finish working for another hour.

  At school today Katherine saw me across the room at lunchtime but pretended she didn’t and so we didn’t talk. Even though I wanted to talk to her I was glad she acted like that because then I could pretend I didn’t see her either without feeling bad about it. It’s not weird her acting like that though it’s just Katherine. What was strange was that I saw Tanya and Susie in History class this afternoon and when I said hello to them they acted like I wasn’t there. Nothing makes me madder than when that happens when you’re standing right there and it’s people you know. ‘Are you deaf I think I said hello’ I said. Then they said oh hi and looked around like they were embarrassed or just too bored to have seen me. ‘Why are you acting so weird?’ I asked. They didn’t say anything and then class started so we had to take our seats. I don’t know what their problem is but I’ve got enough of my own problems to worry about without worrying about theirs.

 

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