The doctors orders, p.23
The Doctor's Orders, page 23
“It’s fine.” Nick kissed Jared’s cheek and briefly curled a hand around his hip. “Baby, go ahead and get some sleep. You look worn out.”
“Not as worn out as you. I could make tea or coffee….”
“I got this. Promise.” He smiled and ran a hand along Jared’s cheek. “Get some sleep. I’ll be along in a bit.”
He waited until Jared disappeared into their bedroom, and then, after donning a T-shirt from the room where he kept his clothes, Nick padded down the stairs in bare feet, his thin sweatpants whispering against his legs.
Emmanuella was in the kitchen, water for tea already going on the stove. She smiled over her shoulder as Nick came closer. “Hey there. Good job tonight. That was a tough crowd.”
“You were there?” He started for a stool at the bar, then stopped as he saw the plastic-covered plate on the island. It was his grandmother’s coffee cake, no mistaking it.
Emmanuella pulled plates from the cupboard and set them beside the cake before peeling it open and carving off two slices. “We all were, way in the back. Except Grandma left early because she said, and I quote, ‘Those fools aren’t worth the time of day.’”
“I’m hoping she meant the audience, and not the board?”
“Of course she meant the audience. She rushed home to bake this and insisted I bring it to you. I wasn’t told, but I know full well I’m supposed to find out how you are. So, how are you?”
He sighed. “I’m all right, I guess. Tired. There’s a lot more to this than I’m at liberty to say.”
“We figured.” She pushed a plate and a cup of tea toward him. “Here. She’ll want to know if you liked it. She worried it was too dry because she was in a rush.”
The cake wasn’t dry. It was perfect, doing more to heal Nick than anything else could, save the shelter of Jared’s arms. “It’s delicious.”
“Good. Well, when you finish your slice, give me a tour. This is a nice place you two have got.”
Nick did give her a tour, starting with the basement, where he explained his dream setup for weight equipment, ending in his newly finished office that smelled faintly of paint. Emmanuella smiled as she ran her hand over the furniture and the shelves, which so far didn’t have much on them.
“This is fantastic. You should bring more of your things over here. Make it more homey. But it’s already great. I love this space for you, like a lush Nick oasis.”
It was indeed that. Nick liked how she approved of it. “I’m eager to sit in here on a long snowy winter’s day, reading and listening to music. Jack’s setting me up with a killer stereo system. Should be here next month. Jared told me to get a TV so I can watch the game, if I want.”
“Listen to your man and get yourself a TV. You deserve all of it.”
Nick tucked his hands into his pockets and rocked on his heels, gaze fixed on the floor. “Are they… still mad?”
Emmanuella shrugged. “I don’t know if they’ve ever been mad, exactly.”
He snorted. “I haven’t been allowed at Sunday dinner since I moved out. They’re mad.”
“They’re working it through. I don’t think they’re keeping you away because they want to be petty. I think that’s still a bridge too far for Grandma. They think about you, though. You notice they tend to visit you Sunday afternoons.”
“Do they talk about me? Do they… know?”
“Oh, they know. But they don’t talk about that. About you in general, yes. More every day, especially with all the stuff you have going on. I feel like they’re trying to find their way through this. I’m doing my best to nudge them forward. I hope you don’t think I’m dragging my feet or siding with them.”
He looked up immediately. “Absolutely not. Why would I think that?”
Her smile was a little sad. “You’re not the only one who worries what people think, okay? You’re my brother. My one and only. I want you to be happy, and I want us on good terms. But I want our whole family to be at peace too.”
“That’s what I want as well. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“Funny, I think the four of us are in complete agreement there. How I see it is, everyone’s taking their time to get their feelings in order. They’re trying to work out how to process this. Personally, I think it’s not half as much about you being gay as it is about them having to face how much of their own dreams they put on you, how much you were willing to bear.”
“I think religion has a place in this too.”
“Well, yes, but I don’t think it’s the greatest obstacle. Honestly, if you’d gotten a woman pregnant and abandoned her, that would have been a far, far greater sin to them, and you know it. Your orientation is something in their minds that means a harder life for you. They don’t want that.”
He frowned and met her gaze. “Is that what you think?”
“I don’t. I mean—yes, I know it means a few more challenges for you, but I also see how happy Jared makes you, and I can glimpse the edges of how much lighter and happier you’d be as your full self. That’s worth overcoming any obstacle in my book, and I want to be part of it.”
He let out a ragged breath, pressing a hand to his chest as her words pierced him. “I want that too. More every day.”
“But you’re not ready yet.”
He shook his head. “Not now. But… soon. When all this with the hospital is over, maybe.”
She shook her head. “You do it when it’s right for you, whenever that is. Take your time, get yourself in order, and then, when you’re sure, don’t let anything else stand in your way. Give yourself that gift, all right?” She took his hand and squeezed.
He pulled her tight into his arms. “Thanks, sis.”
She hugged him back. “Anytime.”
AS FOUNDER’S Day passed and September approached, Nick and Jared began to find a routine. The gossip around them had died down, most people either believing their story or acknowledging they simply weren’t going to admit what was going on and, at least to their faces, allowing them their fiction. Most people were more worked up over what was going on with the hospital than who the CEO might be dating, filling the newspaper with op-eds and letters to the editor, spouting off on Copper Point People or personal Facebook posts. Jared sometimes listened to concerns in his office, though most of those he had to wrap up and ask that they write him an email as he had too many patients to work into a single day to allow for political diversions. Because the Gilbert Group wanted more time for their investigation, the board said that while they were leaning toward new construction, they were exploring options and would go into further details at their November meeting.
More interesting than the developments (or lack thereof) in the situation with the hospital was the slow, incremental thaw between Nick and his family.
Jared figured out early on that when Nick’s grandmother, mother, or someone from the church came to visit him, it was Jared’s job to make himself scarce. He handled this disappearing act in a number of ways. But like his magic, he was never very good at it. What he wanted to do was stick around, to know if they were making Nick feel better or worse.
It would be a lot easier if Nick’s family issues were as cut-and-dried as his own. Jared had never looked back at his own parents, feeling he was better off without them, and he didn’t see a reason to change his opinion now. For half a second he considered this might’ve been the wrong approach, as he’d watched Nick struggle so valiantly to reconcile his orientation with his community, but then Jared decided this was the key point. Community.
Nick belonged to both his family and his church in a way Jared had never known and doubted he ever would. Despite Nick’s fears, Jared was certain both would accept him if he came out. Of course there would be friction, and they’d have to acknowledge he wasn’t the man they thought he was, but that was the point. The Nick Beckert they thought they knew didn’t completely exist. He had an extra bit of a rainbow shine to him they didn’t particularly want, but without it he wouldn’t be Nick at all.
They’d come around to it, though. Jared would bet his house on that fact.
Jared had nothing remotely like this in his background. His parents would be happy to have him in their life, but the acceptance was a false front, and they had nothing powerful behind their affection. They would never stand up for Jared the way Nick’s family did for him, sending Emmanuella over with coffee cake on the night of the public hearing despite their being somewhat at odds. They would never make careful, cautious inroads toward familial peace the way the Beckerts were. No, the Kumpels were all about their way or the highway.
Jared had been fine with the highway.
Jared wanted to say this to Nick, but it felt like it wasn’t his place, so he simply removed himself. When someone from the church or Nick’s family came over, unless it was Emmanuella alone, Jared pasted on a bright smile and made an excuse to leave.
Not one time did Nick attempt to stop him or tell him once he returned that he should’ve stayed.
It became his habit rather quickly during these outings to end up at Café Sól. At first he tried to run errands, but they didn’t always need anything, and he tended to buy the weirdest kinds of garbage when he was on one of these exiles. He learned it was best to put himself somewhere that he couldn’t cause trouble or inspire him to buy another case of toilet paper. This meant going to a friend’s house and saying things he shouldn’t, or going to Gus’s and drowning his sorrows in a cup of coffee.
On a crisp Sunday near the end of September, when Jared walked into the coffee shop, Gus was wiping off a table and stopped to wave at him. “Back again, I see.”
“Can’t stay away.” Jared didn’t waste a lot of energy forcing a smile, only glanced around for an empty table away from the afternoon crowd. “Busy in here.”
“Yep. It’s freshman orientation day, so we’re full of parents and soon-to-be students learning all about Bayview University and the joys of Copper Point. They put us in the booklet, and I offered up a buy-one-get-one coupon, so we’re a popular spot.” Gus gestured to the coffee bar at the back of the store. “I think there’s a free stool next to Matt, though.”
Sure enough, there was, and it was the only empty space left in the entire shop. “Thanks,” Jared said, trying to sound grateful instead of miserable.
It wasn’t the first time he’d run into Matt when he’d left the house so Nick could have it to himself. Matt smiled at Jared as he slid onto the stool. “Hey there, handsome. What’s up with you this fine afternoon?”
“Nothing much. Just needed fresh air.” Jared grimaced as he glanced around the busy shop. “I think I maybe should have gone to the park instead.”
“Nothing says we can’t go there now together.” Matt motioned to the college-aged barista. “Place your order to go and we’ll head on out.”
Objectively Jared understood he shouldn’t be going on outings with Matt, particularly when he was feeling sullen because he had to leave the house he shared with his boyfriend. But what frustrated him even more was that he wasn’t sure how to politely back out of this. Likely Matt understood what he and Nick were doing. So from that standpoint, he could definitely have said to Matt he needed to decline because his boyfriend wouldn’t like it. However, his boyfriend also wouldn’t like him calling him boyfriend to anyone outside of their tight circle.
Maybe Jared should start sitting alone in his car somewhere quiet when he left the house.
“Hey.” Matt’s voice was full of concern. “Is everything okay? You seem upset. If you’d rather not go anywhere with me, I completely understand. I only want to help.”
Something about the gentleness in Matt’s tone undid Jared. “Thank you. I do think I want to leave. But if you can put up with me being a little moody, I don’t think I’d mind the company.”
They were quiet until they stood next to their cars, which happened to be only a few spots away from each other in the parking lot. Matt, with his hands in his pockets, raised an eyebrow. “Shall I drive, would you like the honors, or would you prefer to walk?”
“If you would drive, I’d appreciate it.”
Matt took them around the same meandering paths Jared often drove when he needed to think, weaving through some of the prettier residential districts before ending up at the road leading along the bay. This meant they passed Erin and Owen’s house.
“I heard they finally set a date,” Matt said. “March, right?”
“Yes, though they’re still waffling a bit.”
“Dad was all over me to offer them some kind of discount if they used our formalwear, but I didn’t want to be pushy. I figured it would look awkward since we didn’t offer the same deal to Dr. Wu and Simon.”
“You can tell your dad he can bank on their business.” Jared smiled sadly as his friends’ house vanished from view. “They’re both big on local support. And despite what people think, it’s not going to be a high society wedding. They’ve toyed more than once with the idea of running down to city hall.”
Matt was quiet for a second. “Is it difficult watching them be able to have a public relationship when yours has to remain quiet?”
Jared couldn’t decide if he was surprised Matt was so bold, or if somehow he’d seen this coming all along. Eventually he chuckled. “So you do know what’s going on.”
“I figured it out when Nick gave me the stink eye as he bought every bow tie I had, telling me to back the hell off. I was fairly sure it wasn’t because he was a possessive roommate. It makes sense. I knew you were hung up on someone, and you said I was twenty years too late, so that meant someone from high school. I thought maybe it was someone who didn’t reciprocate your feelings. I was a little bit shocked to discover it was someone who wasn’t out. This probably marks me as naïve, but I really thought those days were behind us.”
Oh, but it was so tempting for Jared to spill his guts. He made himself take several long, slow breaths before speaking, choosing his words carefully. “I don’t feel like I can discuss much about his situation without his permission, but the one thing I can say is living with Nick has taught me it’s far, far more complicated than I ever dreamed.”
“While I appreciate this in the abstract, I resent what it means for you in the specific.”
First Owen and Simon, and now Matt. Jared stared out the window sadly. “You know, I’ve never resented Nick or my situation. I’ve disliked it intensely, but I don’t resent it.”
“But how? You have to at least a little. It isn’t fair to you to have to wait for him.”
“Whoever told you love was about fair?”
This only made Matt angrier. “It’s not right for you, is what I’m saying. You’ve waited for him this entire time. You’re putting your dreams, your life, everything on hold because he can’t… what? Come out? Embrace his whole self?” When Jared tensed and started to interject, Matt held up a hand. “I know. You’re going to tell me I don’t understand. You’re right, I don’t. In fact, I don’t want to understand. Because I don’t care about Nick, not nearly as much as I care about you. Somebody should be thinking about your happiness in all of this.”
“What a coincidence. That’s the same way I feel about him.”
“But he doesn’t feel the same way about you. If he did, he wouldn’t—”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“Fine,” Matt said gruffly.
Except it wasn’t ten seconds before Jared’s emotions bubbled over. “It’s pretty rich for you to assume you know how much Nick cares for me. You think you can look at our relationship from the outside, one where we can’t be ourselves in public, by the way, and think you understand his feelings. What seems like nothing to you is actually a monumental step for him. I understand that. Do I sometimes wish he could step further faster? Of course I do. But I don’t love him for who I want him to be. I love him for who he is. I love him for who we are together. I love him for who he is even when he’s not with me. I’ve loved him when I thought he hated me. So why would I give a second thought for how hard it is for him to take these last few steps?”
“It’s just every time I see you, you’re a little bit sadder. I know how I would take care of you, how I would treasure you, and I don’t feel like he’s doing half of that—”
“It’s not up to you to treasure me or to make me happy, nor is it Nick’s job. I’m not with him because I expect him to make me happy. I’m with him because I love him.”
“Even though loving him might mean you never get to have those beautiful dreams you told me about? The dreams I would be so ready to start with you right now?”
Yes.
The full truth of that word hit Jared like a cold Lake Superior wave.
He did love Nick more than he loved his own dreams. He was willing to wait, even if it meant the chances for other things he’d wanted passed him by. Even if at the end of the day he and Nick didn’t work out. Because the chance they might work was worth it.
More than anything else, Nick was his dream. Not only being with him, but Nick, full stop.
Jared lifted one hand, then the other, to his face in an attempt to hold back the tears.
How could he know peace and emptiness all at once? How could comprehending his feelings on this level bring him a sense of understanding and the need to run away as far as he could go?
God, but he needed to be alone.
Right now. He needed to be alone right now.
“Stop the car.”
All the anger leached out of Matt like a deflated balloon. Wincing, he held up a hand. “I promise I won’t say another word about it. I’m sorry, I totally stepped over the line. You don’t have to get out of the car. Just tell me where you want me to go, and I’ll take you there.”
“You don’t need to apologize. I want to be alone is all. This exact second.”
“We’re in the middle of nowhere. There isn’t a house or side road for another five miles.” Matt was starting to panic. “Please tell me where you want to go. I truly am sorry.”
The whole world began to spin, and Jared honestly thought he might be sick. “Please stop the car.”
