Dishonor the hallowed cr.., p.2
Dishonor: The Hallowed Crows MC Book 2, page 2
“We haven’t worked out anything yet,” I clear my throat and start, and both Connor and Aiden’s stares cut to me. The former as if he wants me to keep talking, the latter warning me to stay silent. I ignore Aiden and continue. “Look this just happened and we don’t know what it means yet, but I care about your daughter, Sir, we all care about her.”
“Last night got out of control,” Aiden cuts in. “We were all drunk and Rebecca came to us and we crossed a line, one we should have never crossed.” I stare at him in disbelief at the words coming out of his mouth, but he keeps going. “We take full responsibility and apologize for the disrespect to you and her, it won’t happen again.”
What the fuck is he doing? Why is he making this worse by lying? I turn to Killian, to get him behind me and put a stop to this madness, but when my eyes land on him he just nods his head in agreement. “Never again.”
I shake my head in disbelief as they all turn to me, and I open my mouth to plead my disagreements, to tell Connor that I know it’s wrong but his daughter is who we want, but the words die on my tongue. Aiden’s eyes burn into me with an intensity I have never seen before, telling me not to do this, to not make this already shitshow of a situation any worse. So instead of begging for his approval, I just nod my head in agreement, regret stabbing me in the heart as we give up the one thing I know we all desire.
Connor is silent as he assesses us, like he expected more of a fight on his hands, but when none of us say anything he just sighs, “The club and honor above all. That’s the one rule we follow.”
“Club and honor always.” Aiden says back to him like he has done so many times before, yet still I remain silent as an empty ache opens itself in my chest.
Connor takes one last look at us before he adds, “I would choose Rebecca over this club every single time. Go near her again with no intention of making her yours and I’ll slit your throat in your sleep. Now get the fuck out of my sight.”
Aiden stands first and I have no choice but to follow as he and Killian exit and we move quietly back towards the den. It isn’t until we reach the door that Rebecca is coming out of that we pause, no doubt forgetting she still remained clueless in our bed.
Her eyes are wandering, shoulders tense, until she spots us coming towards her and then I watch as her anxiety drifts away. “There you guys are, I wondered where you had slipped off to.” None of us say a word, not sure what to say and I see the slight crinkle of her eyes as she frowns. “Okayyyy,” she drags out. “Well, do you want to get some breakfast or something, I’m starving?”
It’s not unusual for us to eat breakfast together, especially after a clubhouse party, but now something as simple as a breakfast invite is tarnished by what we did. She will expect more, but we can only ever offer her less. Our friendship is no longer easy, not after last night, and any relationship we thought we could ever have with her has gone.
She shifts on her feet as I try to think of anything to say to her, but before I can even get the chance, my brother cuts in. “Last night was a mistake,” Aiden starts. “We were bored and you were there, it meant nothing, now leave, we have work to do.” He aims his words right for her jugular and doesn’t wait for her to respond, just pushes past her and enters the den without another word.
I feel her recoil like a physical force as Killian lingers a second before he sighs and follows Aiden inside, leaving me to bear witness to the pain on her face. It’s the first time I have ever seen a look of pure devastation on her and I pray to god it’s the last. I don’t want to do this, but maybe Connor is right, maybe we should sort our own demons out first before dragging Rebecca into them. I just hope one day she realizes we did this for her. It might not seem like it, but I understand what Aiden just did, why he did it, it’s the only way. The feelings we have for her are too much. She isn’t ready, and neither are we.
Sometimes if you love something, you have to let it go, so as I push past her and close the door, I have to hope she knows this is the best thing for all of us right now, even if we can’t see it. The sound of the door locking behind me with her on the other side is deafening, but nothing compares to her pounds against it as her fists pummel down on the door.
“Last night meant everything and you know it,” she yells, the door muffling her voice. “Don’t treat me like I’m some pathetic little girl with a crush, I felt it last night and I know you did too.”
All of us stand in silence, breaths held as we listen to her words, knowing they are true, but until we can sort out this between us, we can’t add Rebecca to it. What would a relationship between the four of us even look like? I have being fucking Killian behind closed doors for over a year and we still haven’t voiced our feelings to one another. Add our mutual longing for Rebecca into that and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. We all need to take some time and decide if this is what we truly want.
“Guys please,” she pleads, defeat beginning to lace her tone as she bangs her fist one more time before adding, “Murder.”
That one word cuts through all of us and it’s Aiden who breaks from where he stands and moves to step forward, but I stop him with a firm grip on his arm.
“Let me go, Ezra,” he demands, and for the first time ever he looks as if he would genuinely hurt me, like he wants to rip my arm off my body to ensure he can get past me.
“We can’t do this, not yet,” I start. “Are you ready to share her? Ready to commit to being with her and us, all of us together?” My words are wasted because I know the answer, he isn’t ready, none of us are, but I know in this state he won’t listen. I loosen my grip but step further into his space and grab his face. “We need to be smart about this, work out our shit and figure out how we can actually do this. I promise if we do that then we will get our girl and Connor’s approval. You just have to trust me.”
He glares at the door where I know we can all still feel Rebecca’s presence on the other side of it, it’s why I kept my voice low so she wouldn’t hear it. When he finally looks my way I see that usual shield back in place with only a hint of vulnerability as he asks, “You promise?”
“I promise on my patch,” I respond, placing my hand firmly over the left side of my cut and he eventually nods.
We might be fucked up, lawless bikers, but I know one thing for sure, Rebecca O’Sullivan was made to be ours, we just have to prove it to Connor and ourselves.
Present
“Rebecca, what did you do?”
An unfamiliar feeling pulses through me as I stare down at Angel's body. Is he dead? No, he can’t be, it’s not possible, but when I lock eyes with Bex I see it, feel it. Her hands are drenched in blood as she holds the gun tightly to her chest like it’s the only thing keeping her upright.
When I see the gun it’s like time starts to move in slow motion, I raise my own, but it’s as if my arm won’t move as fast as I want it to. She looks confused and scared as her own gun rises in panic, and before I can say anything else the shots are fired, and it’s too late.
Bang.
Bang.
The bullet tears right through the patch I made my promise on, and just like everything else, it’s broken beyond repair.
Has your life ever flashed before your eyes? I'm talking about that one split second where something happens and you see everything you've ever done flash before you. Every single thing that has led you to the moment you're in now. Every decision, every mistake, every heartbreak, all perfectly collected into a concise recap of your life. There are no do overs, no repeats, no take backs, just all of your life in one tiny moment.
One moment, that's all it takes, one moment to change everything.
It happened, my whole life flashed before me the second that bullet left its chamber, and when it did, it was a handful of moments that were compiled together for me. The moment I climbed over the clubhouse fence and locked eyes with Aiden Graves for the first time, the moment I met his friends less than an hour later. The moment I dropped my dress and seduced all three of them into being mine. The moment they left me. The moment I said yes to Carter joining me for dinner. The moment he took me. And finally, the moment that three bullets were fired and ruined everything.
One moment, one quick, little, insignificant moment, and three small bullets, and now everything has changed forever.
When I was a little girl my father always used to tell me, ‘You turn calm into chaos Rebecca’. It was something he would say whenever he got a call from school about me skipping class, or when I started back talking to the guys when they became my friends. Even when I smashed Candice’s head into the table that time she kissed Ezra. He would never yell at me, or tell me not to do it again, he would just shake his head and say, “You turn calm into chaos Rebecca.”
I wonder if he knew how true those words would become? If he knew that I didn’t turn calm into chaos, but I myself was the chaos. I am the reason for tonight's destruction, I am the reason that both their blood stains my hands, and I am the reason that this all started in the first place. Just like my father said, I turned calm into chaos.
The blood was everywhere. It was thick and warm as it coated his cut, painting any bare skin he had on show in a sickening display of red death. He’s dead, I killed him. I killed them. That is the only thought my mind can cling to as my body rocks back and forth in the darkened space. I’m not sure how I got here, or even where here is, but I do know one thing, the price I was forced to pay tonight can never be reversed.
I keep going over and over what happened in my mind, trying to make sense of it all, trying to work out how I went from feeling a cathartic high with my best friend, to enduring the worst low of my life. Carter’s face clouds my mind as I try to recall what happened. Angel and I had just left the tattoo parlor, and were planning on going back to the clubhouse to confess all of my sins. I felt lighter than I had in months as I skipped towards his bike and spotted the rose laying on top of his seat. Panic started to curl in my gut as I reached out and ripped open the envelope housing his latest note.
It’s my turn to call MURDER
Six words, only one of them with any significance, yet I had barely read it when the first shot was fired. My body slammed into the ground with a force from behind that I thought was Angel protecting me, which in a way he was. Even in death he tried to put me first, to keep me from harm's way, but it was too little too late, the damage was already done.
Seeing my best friend lying there covered in blood as the life drained from him is something I will never forget. Nor will I forget the look in Ezra’s eyes as he cursed out my name into the night. He looked at me like my entire being was a mystery, like he wasn’t sure who I was, or how I got there. If you gave me a mirror, I would probably look at myself the same way, but it didn’t stop the relief hitting me when those sparkling blue eyes collided with mine. Even stained with misplaced hurt and regret they looked beautiful in the light of the moon.
When he raised his gun I panicked, raising my own in defense, but I should have known better. Out of all of them, no one has ever looked out for me more than him. I shouldn’t have doubted him at that moment, that doubt cost me everything. The shots were deafening, whizzing past me so close I almost felt as if it was my chest they split open. The pain that sliced through me was indescribable as I watched in horror as someone else I love dropped to the ground by his hand.
Carter shot them both, shot them to punish me and it worked. I didn’t think there was anything that could hurt me more than seeing my father’s dead body, but that was nothing in comparison to watching my best friend and first love fall to the ground in my defense. They didn’t even know what they were fighting for, they weren’t even given a chance, but this happened to them because of me and my lies, my mistakes, my fucking idiocy. All of it is because of me.
Angel is dead, he has to be, there is no way he could have survived. I saw the moment his eyes went glossy and vacant, when his breath became staggered and slow, his chest no longer moving, and there was just so much blood. Blood. Fuck. It coats my entire body, my shirt and jeans are soaked in it from when I knelt on the ground and prayed for them to come back to me. It was everywhere. Even in the dusk of the evening it was stark against the gravel as it glistened in the starlight. I begged and pleaded and prayed, yet nobody answered me, no one cared that my entire heart had just been ripped out of my chest and shredded to pieces.
I didn’t know what to do, or how to make it stop. I tried to think about everything my dad had taught me, everything the guys had taught, but nothing came to mind. Then I thought about what Carter taught me. All the training I endured at his hand, all the lessons he forced upon me, none of them useful to me at that moment. I was helpless. All I could do was stand there, kneel there, and watch as they suffered with only one thought in my mind; this is all my fault.
We were just getting to know one another again, I was just finding a way to be myself again, and now they’re gone. They got too close when I knew he wouldn’t have liked it, wouldn’t have allowed it and yet still I chose to let it happen. All actions have consequences, I knew that, was taught that, and now mine are finally catching up to me.
It’s why when he came I didn’t fight, didn’t kick, or scream, or push against the hold on me as I was dragged from the scene. I just did what I had been trained and forced to do so many times before. Submit. One minute I was next to their blood-soaked bodies, screams tearing from my throat, and the next I was grabbed roughly and taken into the night once again. Nobody around to see me, nobody around to care, and now here I am, back in the darkness that once broke me.
The panic I’m feeling would probably cause me to shut down if it weren't for the grief flooding my body. The warring feelings battle against one another inside my mind as I pretend I feel nothing. I try to ignore the dried blood caked onto my hands, to force the sweet metallic smell from my nostrils, but it’s impossible. They overpower my senses until nothing else exists in mind except the images of tonight playing over and over again.
“It’s all my fault, it’s all my fault, it’s all my fault.”
The words tumble form my mouth without a shed of control as I rock back and forth in the darkened space saying the only coherent thought in my brain. “It’s all my fault.”
Why did I stay with them? I should have left the night I planned to, ignored the blood from Killian, and what happened between us and just ran. If I did then I wouldn’t be back here, if I did then they would still be safe, still alive. I did this. I led Carter right to them, handed them over to him on a silver platter like pigs to slaughter and he took my gift and danced in the reign of their demise. How could I be so stupid? I know Carter better than anyone, better than I know myself, and I know this is only the beginning. That he hasn’t truly convicted me of my crimes against him yet, the worst is still to come.
Entrapped by him once more, I haven’t even bothered to look around, to try and find an escape, I know any attempt at it would be futile. So I just sit here and wait for him in the shadows of my secrets, praying that whatever he does to me next hurts enough to allow me penance. Maybe he will finally kill me and put me out of my misery, that would be the kindest thing he could ever do for me.
The darkness is what always used to consume me, I would be left in it for hours, alone with nothing but my thoughts. Back then it was the only time I knew any peace, now instead of offering me solace, I am drowning in it. The blackness of it clinging to my skin as I bask in the depths of my regrets like vines in the soil. My soul is now as dark as this black hole of a room, of a cage, and as I hear the first sound of steps approaching I can’t contain my flinch like I was taught to do. Instead my spine straightens in preparation for what I am about to endure.
I can’t stop my hands from clawing at my neck, desperately trying to remind myself that I might be back here, but I’m not chained like I was before. Maybe he will make my suffering quick and painless, or maybe it will be worse than I could ever imagine. The door opens and the light burns my eyes after being in the dark for who knows how long, and when my vision clears I see a familiar hulking shadow standing in the doorway, except it’s not who I thought it would be.
It isn’t the monster who plagues my nightmares, the one whose touch makes my skin crawl, and leaves bile in the bottom of my throat. No, my reality is much worse than I thought, instead it’s the devil who dances in my dreams. The one who lured me in with false promises and kisses of poison until my defenses were in the gutter and I was ripe for the taking.
This time I’ve been captured by a Crow, one whose heart is as black as the wings on his cut. No, this can’t be happening, I won’t submit, not to him. I don’t give a fuck about our history, or our connection to one another. If Aiden Graves thinks I will go down by his hand again without a fight, he’s wrong.
I won’t just whisper murder this time, I’ll scream it.
TWO YEARS AGO
One hundred and thirty-eight, that’s how many bars contain me. I’m not sure how long I have been here, but it’s enough time to realize the restraints on me won’t budge, the headache from the drugs to clear, and for me to count the bars on the cage I am in fourteen times. One hundred and thirty-eight bars, and when I say cage, I mean real, full size, gigantic cage. The bars are thick and made of steel from the look of them, and they tower over me in an intimidating, psychotic way.
I’ve been kidnapped, the mayor of Black Hallows, the prestigious and sought after Carter Fitzgerald actually kidnapped me. I don’t know where I am, or how I got here, but I do know I’m not getting out, not without help anyway. My wrists are bound and bloody from where I have fought against my restraints, and my throat is raw from my screams. But I don’t stop, I can’t, if I stop fighting then he wins, if I stop fighting then I won’t survive until they come for me. It might be stupid to hope that they will come, that they will save me, especially after they abandoned me, but I know deep down what we have is real, so hope is the only thing I can hold on to.
