Never forget you, p.22
Never Forget You, page 22
She’d been stirring the sugar into her own mug of tea, and the spoon stopped moving, then started again. She turned, looking a little sheepish. ‘He said you hadn’t been answering your phone, so he’d checked that app thingie that lets you know where people are, and it said you were here instead of up in London somewhere. He sounded a bit worried.’
Oh, crap. Justin hated it when he couldn’t get hold of me. I was surprised I hadn’t noticed my phone vibrating in my bag. ‘How did he get your number?’
She frowned. ‘I presumed you must have given it to him. Didn’t you?’
‘I don’t …’ I began, but then I trailed off. With all the turmoil with Justin recently, everything was getting a little bit hazy. I couldn’t remember giving Justin Mum’s number, but I also didn’t remember not giving it to him. ‘I must have,’ I said. It was the only explanation.
‘Anyway, he says don’t worry … he’ll come and collect you then take you to your fitting.’
I’d got a lovely cosy feeling when Mum had hugged me at the front door, but I realised it had been leaking out of me like a slow puncture since I’d heard her talking to Justin on the landing. The last of it drained away, leaving me unsure what I was doing there.
I went back into the living room and broke the good news to Lo. ‘Justin’s going to give us a lift to the dress fitting.’
To my sister’s credit, she managed not to roll her eyes. ‘How nice of him. I suppose I’d better get ready.’ She disappeared up to her room.
When I heard Justin’s knock at the door, I instantly tensed up, knowing he wouldn’t be pleased I’d gone AWOL or that I hadn’t answered my phone. It had always been natural for me to let my feelings spill out, but Justin was different. Everything simmered inside. Sometimes, I thought things were perfectly fine, and then he’d get upset with me about something that happened days, sometimes weeks, earlier. I’d underestimated his ability to stew.
I stood up as I heard him enter the front door, ready to appease … but when he came into the living room he smiled, holding his arms out for me to walk into them and kissed me fondly before releasing me and greeting my parents. He refused a cup of tea, saying we needed to be on our way to the fitting, but added he had something he needed a quick word about first.
‘I’ve been concerned about your daughter recently,’ he said, eyes full of sincerity as he looked from Mum to Dad. As we all took a seat in the living room, I was glad Lo wasn’t here to witness this. It would have only made the car journey to the dress fitting more uncomfortable.
Mum nodded. ‘She was always sensitive that way, ever since she was little. Never found it easy to get over things. I used to try to talk to her—’ she glanced over at me sadly ‘—but sometimes nothing I said or did helped. I didn’t know how to get through.’
‘Oh, Mum …’ I said, wishing I was sitting nearer her so I could reach out and touch her.
‘I just wanted to help you,’ she continued, her voice getting thick. ‘Especially after you left music school. I could see you were struggling, and I didn’t know what to do, and if I tried to say anything, you’d just get angry and push me away.’
‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise.’
Justin was sitting next to me on the sofa, and he reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze. ‘I think we’ve been experiencing some of the same issues. I’ve been able to see that she’s not herself at the moment, but if I try to help, point it out, she just flies off the handle.’
I avoided eye contact with anyone. It was true. I had been more snappy with him recently. But it wasn’t me on my own causing the problems. It was just … everything I did seemed to be wrong. From the clothes I wore to the way I kept pushing my sleek bob back behind my ears (they were too big to be elegant, apparently). What time I got up in the morning (later than him), to how I wiped the sides down in the kitchen. I suppose it was the way Justin showed his stress, but, eventually, he’d pick and pick and pick, and then I’d show my stress by snapping back at him.
It would be better after the wedding, he’d said. When it was all over, we could just go on honeymoon – no more organising, no more running around – and enjoy each other. That was the thought that kept me going.
‘You’re very lucky to have such a great guy looking after you,’ Mum said.
‘I know.’
His eyes were fixed on me with such adoration that a warm glow settled inside me. When he looked at me like he was doing at that moment, I felt like the most treasured and beautiful woman in the world.
Lo appeared at the doorway, dress and make-up immaculate. ‘Hey, there,’ she said, nodding at Justin, and I was grateful for the effort she was making. ‘Shall we get this show on the road?’
Chapter Forty-Two
Now.
BEN AND ALICE walked along the seafront as he told his story. When they reached Central Pier, he gestured towards it. Alice nodded, so they crossed the threshold into a large space full of dinging slot machines but empty of all but a handful of customers. They weaved through the lights and noise and emerged onto the weather-roughened boards of the pier, where they strolled past row upon row of sideshows and fast-food kiosks, all with their shutters firmly bolted down.
Alice listened without interrupting, which Ben found slightly unnerving. By the time he’d covered everything, starting with a wasp sting in a secret garden and finishing with a heartfelt goodbye in Heathrow’s departures hall, they were passing the Ferris wheel at the centre of the pier. The entrance was boarded up, and it sat completely still, its white struts skeletal against the sky.
Alice merely nodded, her pace steady and even, and when they finally reached the end of the pier, they circuited a pirate-themed bar, found a piece of railing they could lean on and looked out across the sea.
‘That was the last time we saw each other?’
He nodded. ‘Yes. Until four days ago.’
‘What happened? Why did we never meet up again a year later?’
He sighed and turned away from the waves to look at the weather-beaten building behind them, leaning his backside against the railing. ‘I’d like to be able to tell you that fate swooped in and did something grand to keep us apart because then I wouldn’t have to admit it was down to sheer stupidity – my stupidity.’
She raised her eyebrows, and he carried on.
‘I lost my phone.’ He still smarted with frustration about that day. ‘Running through the airport at the speed of light, reaching the gate with nanoseconds to spare, I must have dropped it somewhere, or left it in a plastic bin at the X-ray machines … I don’t really know. I contacted Heathrow multiple times, but it never showed up, and without it I had no way to contact you, and you had no way of contacting me – your phone had died before we’d even got to the airport, so you hadn’t put my number in it. So that was it. My own stupid fault.’
Alice frowned, looked at the glassy slate sea for a moment. ‘But we arranged to meet a year later – did you turn up?’
He nodded. ‘I did. I waited all day, but you never showed. And I couldn’t blame you for that. I mean, I left promising the world and then … nothing. It must have looked like I’d ghosted you. You probably wrote me off as a complete loser and moved on with your life.’
She sighed heavily. ‘That would be a reasonable assumption. But you know what?’
‘What?’
‘I’d like to go back and give Past Lili a slap, tell her to get over her hurt feelings and just have a little faith that things would turn out, that life didn’t always have to be the worst-case scenario, and then we’d have met up, and we’d have known whether it was meant to be or not. I might not have ended up in the mess I’m in now if we had.’
‘What mess would that be? Standing on the end of the pier with a complete and utter numpty?’
She laughed at that.
‘No. You know what I mean …’ She turned to look towards the town and vast cast-iron tower that dominated the Blackpool skyline. ‘But I obviously never forgot you.’
His chest squeezed at her words. He’d never forgotten her either, no matter how hard he’d tried.
‘I’m still wearing this …’ she said, looking down to pick up the little silver bee between thumb and forefinger, feeling its wings and body with her fingertips. ‘And when I was lost and alone, when I was most vulnerable …’ She looked up and met his eyes. ‘I came and found you.’
Even with the brisk sea breeze, there was a stillness to the air around them. He looked into Alice’s eyes and found everything he’d ever hoped to see there. Forgiveness. Understanding. Not just for that one stupid mistake but for everything, even who he was. It felt like slipping under, and it would be so easy to get caught in that riptide and be swept away.
‘I apologise for being such an idiot. If I hurt you in any way, even though it was never my intent, even though you don’t remember any of it, I’m so terribly sorry.’
‘It’s okay.’ The smile she gave him was so sweet, so soft, that he knew it really was. But then her eyes took on a cheeky glint. ‘Now … did you mention that I could whoop your ass at pinball? Because I saw a couple of tables when we walked through the amusements …’
Alice and Ben collapsed, laughing, into a pair of seats onboard the London-bound bus as the doors hissed closed. The service from Blackpool had got in almost an hour late, and they’d had to sprint through Manchester bus station, Ben dragging her along behind him. They’d made it with thirty seconds to spare.
Alice’s heart was hammering. She looked across at Ben, also breathing heavily, and they smiled at each other. It was only then that she realised they hadn’t let go of each other’s hands.
He looked down to where their fingers were joined, his much larger hand entwined with hers, and his expression grew serious. This is stupid, they both seemed to say to each other without words, without even breathing. We should probably let go.
Ben dragged his eyes from hers, turned to look out the window, and she felt the wrench of it. But his hand remained wrapped around hers. Warm. Solid. Comforting. Like it belonged there. Like it had always belonged there.
We’re going to ignore it, then. We’re going to pretend we’re not doing this.
All she could think of, as the bus pulled away and edged its way out of the city, was how terrified she’d been when she’d set out on this journey, so much so that she’d practically fainted in the middle of Glasgow Central. It felt like she’d lived a year since then.
What a difference to the woman who had just run through Manchester bus station, adrenaline pumping, eyes sparkling. She didn’t know how, and she didn’t know why, but she was changing. And she had a sneaking suspicion it had something to do with the man sitting beside her.
And it wasn’t because he’d done anything or said anything to make her change. She didn’t feel as if she’d become someone else. How could she, when she didn’t even know who she was in the first place? Ben hadn’t defined her. He hadn’t presented her with a version of herself to be swallowed whole and accepted. He’d merely given her room to find out, had been by her side for the journey.
She moved her thumb, running it over the skin at the base of his knuckle, and felt him shiver in response. His fingers hugged hers more firmly. She glanced up at him. He was still staring out of the window, but his expression had taken on a fierceness that made her heart ache.
When they got to London this evening, it couldn’t be goodbye. It just couldn’t.
And she couldn’t let herself forget him again, either. She had to hold on to the memories of what had happened over the last few days and learn to mesh them with the memories of her old life, like the doctor had said. Otherwise, all these wonderful moments, snowballs and frosty piers, would be swept away, and he’d go back to being the jerk who’d never called her. It made what she was doing with her travel diary even more important.
But you don’t know if you’re free … Maybe it would be better to forget? Why torture yourself yearning after something you can never have?
Slowly, she eased her fingers from Ben’s, pretending she needed to reach inside her handbag for a tissue and blew her nose, even though there was no desperate need. He moved his hand back into his lap. She could tell he understood.
Oh, this not knowing was really starting to get to her. How could she make any choices, take charge of her life in any real sense, if everything in it remained a total mystery?
But at least she was learning to trust herself. And her gut said this thing between her and Ben was good. It was right. Surely she wouldn’t be feeling like this – wonky memory or no wonky memory – if she truly loved someone else? There were some things a heart didn’t forget.
Chapter Forty-Three
Six weeks before the wedding.
JUSTIN WANTED TO come into the bridal boutique with Lo and me, but I put my foot down. If I hadn’t wandered off and ended up at Mum and Dad’s, he wouldn’t even have been here with us. It was bad luck for him to see the dress, I reminded him. He’d just have to trust that I would pick well. And by that, I meant nothing strapless or backless, or with a short skirt. Something classy and traditional. Those had been his preferences. In the end, I opted for something that looked a bit like Grace Kelly’s wedding gown. You couldn’t get much more classy and elegant than that, could you?
However, as I stood in front of the long mirrors, the dressmaker checking and adjusting the fit, I began to doubt my choice. The lace at the top of the bodice rose into a high collar, and while it wasn’t cheap, scratchy stuff, I kept wanting to undo the button to allow myself to breathe.
‘You look beautiful,’ Lo said behind me.
I looked at our reflections in the mirror and smiled at her. Maybe I was making a fuss over nothing. I’d blown most of Mum and Dad’s wedding budget on this dress, seeing as Justin had insisted on covering almost everything else, and I had a feeling it would be a double blow to their pride if I said I wanted something different. Even if I did, there was no money or time to go back to the drawing board now.
Besides, I wasn’t sure it was the dress that was the problem. Lo was right. It looked amazing. So what if it chafed a little, if it didn’t feel right. No pain, no gain, right?
When I caught Lo’s gaze again, she was looking thoughtful. ‘You okay?’
I nodded. ‘The dress is perfect.’
‘I wasn’t asking about the dress. I was asking about you.’
That was the problem. I didn’t know how I was. If I was honest, the fact I’d wandered off, found myself somewhere else over an hour later scared me. Even if I tried, I couldn’t remember anything that had happened between Kensington and Penge East. It was as if I’d completely zoned out and done everything on automatic.
‘I’m fine,’ I said and went back to studying myself in the mirror, wishing I could airbrush away the dark circles under my eyes. I didn’t look much like a glowing bride today.
Then I had the strangest sensation … I felt as if I was standing outside myself, looking on, and someone else was standing in a wedding dress in front of the mirror. Even when I snapped back into myself, looked myself in the eye, there was still a lingering feeling that it was a different person staring back at me. Someone I didn’t know.
I reached for the buttons on the collar and asked Lo to undo the back of the dress. I needed to get out of it. Now.
‘Justin’s probably getting bored in that café across the road,’ I said, as we peeled it off me and I handed it back to the designer. I got back into my normal clothes, said goodbye to my sister and went to find my fiancé.
When we got back into the privacy of his car, he reached across and laid his warm palm on my thigh. I looked across at him.
‘Now we’re alone, there’s something I need to talk to you about …’
‘I’m not showing you a picture of the dress, no matter how hard you beg me.’
Justin didn’t smile at my feeble attempt at a joke. ‘You really gave me a scare earlier on, Angel. I had no idea where you were.’
‘I’m sorry. I don’t really know how to explain what happened. I just kind of … drifted off … and the next thing I knew I was getting off the train at Penge.’
‘You know that’s not normal, right?’
I did, but I stayed very still, my gaze focused on my hands sitting in my lap.
‘Don’t take this the wrong way, Angel, but I think that maybe when we get back from St Lucia, you ought to see someone.’
I looked up. ‘See someone?’
‘A professional. Someone who can understand what’s going on inside your head and with your emotions. Someone who can help untangle it all for you.’
‘You think … You think I need psychiatric help?’
‘Possibly.’
‘Oh.’ I looked down to where his hand was rhythmically stroking my thigh. ‘I thought it was just wedding stress,’ I mumbled. ‘I thought I’d be okay once the wedding was over.’
‘Maybe it is,’ he said, but his eyes told me he wasn’t sure he believed that. ‘But we need to make sure, okay?’
I fought back the urge to cry because that would only cement his opinion that I was horribly broken, wouldn’t it? If I got all emotional and upset about him suggesting something so caring? And aside from today, I had been feeling a bit … well, low, recently. I should welcome this chance, shouldn’t I? See it as a positive.
‘Don’t be sad, Angel,’ he said, hooking a finger under my chin and gently lifting it so I could meet his eyes. ‘I’ll be right beside you. I’m here for you … No matter what.’
Chapter Forty-Four
Now.
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN MANCHESTER and a service station on the M40, where the coach stopped to change drivers, Ben came to a decision. When Alice took advantage of the rest break to visit the ladies’, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and called Norina’s friend with the hotel, and asked him if he had another room.
He was in this now, whatever ‘this’ was.
