Integrity, p.27
Integrity, page 27
Sure I’d managed to dig up some part of truth about the whole mess, and with a fraction of my usual resources. But where had it gotten me, really? Nowhere except deeper into a pile of shit, with knowledge that made me sick. And I childishly, selfishly, wished I’d never taken Hadim’s call, that I’d never joined the agency, never recruited into Halcyon. Maybe then I’d have a normal life, a normal relationship. Me. Me. Me.
Me.
But what about everyone else who depended upon me, even if they never knew it?
Sophia pulled back, cupped my face in her hands, and tenderly used her thumbs to wipe underneath my eyes. “It’s going to be okay, really.”
It was a sweet sentiment, and I knew what she meant and that she wanted to be encouraging. But deep down I knew it wouldn’t be okay. Maybe passable, eventually, but not okay. Still, I couldn’t help asking, “How do you know?”
“Because it has to be. Because I don’t want this to be all we ever have together.” She smiled tremulously. “It can’t be.”
I had no answer, no witty comeback. So I pulled her close, kissed her and then dropped my face into her neck and tried not to fall apart again.
Freaked out about Sophia’s latest email, I decided—once I’d stopped blubbering—that we should change hotels again, and she agreed unhesitatingly. We packed, again, and I took our key to the front desk, again, and gave them a bullshit story about plans changing. Another few hundred dollars wasted. Again. Sorry, Halcyon accountants.
This whole experience was reminiscent of my brief stint backpacking through Europe before I started college, and reminded me how much I’d hated not being settled in one place. In deference to Sophia’s desire to have something homecooked, I agreed with her find of a studio apartment with a small kitchen. It was probably only going to be for a night or two, at most, and I wanted to give her what I could, while I could. Before I…left.
I claimed the shower first, and Sophia declared she’d order dinner. I paused midway through unlacing my shoes. “Weren’t you saying something about cooking? Isn’t that why we decided on an apartment with a kitchen?”
“Mhmm, and didn’t you say something about cooking for me?” she rebutted playfully. “Or was that just to get me into bed?”
“I did say that, yes, and it had nothing to do with trying to sleep with you. Tomorrow we’ll get some fresh groceries and I’m going to woo the shit out of you with my culinary prowess.” I’d cook a last supper of sorts.
“Careful. You’ve already wooed the shit out of me with your personality and bed skills. Too much wooing and I might pass out.”
“Too much ego boosting like that, and it might be me who passes out.” I kissed her as I passed the closet where she was hanging clothes.
“Feel like Mexican?” she asked my departing back.
I glanced back at her, smiling. “Always.”
Standing under the hot spray, something pleasant niggled at the back of my mind. It was just like our first night on the road when she’d chosen Mexican and dishes she’d remembered I’d liked. Maybe, sometime in the future, we might get to go to a nice restaurant and have an actual date night where I could dress up and put makeup on and we could act like a regular couple. I twisted the faucet to cold, gritted my teeth through the arctic blast for twenty seconds, then shut off the water. Maybes were nothing more than pointless wishes.
When I came out of the shower to dress, Sophia glanced up at me then back down at her phone, nervously chewing her lower lip. I didn’t know how to ask what was going on, yet again, but I didn’t have to.
“I just got a call from Mom,” she said with forced calm. When she looked up, her expression was like someone had dragged her face downward. “Dad’s been…taken.”
For a moment, I forgot how to breathe. “What do you mean, taken?” My stomach lurched, and though I was sure I knew what she would say, I asked the question anyway. “Taken where? How? By whom?”
“She said a bunch of people in uniforms, waving badges and papers and shouting a whole bunch of stuff, came in and then handcuffed him and took him.” She used her palms to wipe under her eyes. “They said something about his immigration status? What the fuck? He came here as a kid, Lexie. He’s a naturalized citizen. He served in the US Army. He married an American woman. His accent is basically American, for fuck’s sake. They can’t deport him to Mexico, can they?”
“No.” But they were sure as hell going to threaten it. “I’m so sorry. This is my fault.”
She didn’t acknowledge what I’d said, just started pacing around the room. “They came in the middle of his meal. Just grabbed him, didn’t let him get any spare clothes or even his wallet. He’s got a heart condition and they didn’t let him take any medication. He’s in his seventies.” Sophia’s voice broke up. “What if something happens and he doesn’t have his pills?”
“Nothing’s going to happen to him, I promise. I’m going to make a call right now and make it right, make sure he’s okay.”
“How can you make sure he’s okay?”
“Because they want me, and I’m going to make them release him in exchange for me.”
That stopped her short. “You’re…what?”
“Yes. He’s the perfect negotiation tool. Sorry, that sounds impersonal but that’s how they would be viewing him. They’ve found my weak spot. You and, by extension, anyone who is associated with you.” I watched her working through this new information. If she didn’t already hate me… I sighed. “This is how negotiations work. Or, not negotiations in this case, but rather a bargaining chip.” I offered a weak smile.
She sank onto the bed. “No. No…”
“Yes. Think, Sophia, not about me and what I’m doing. This is your dad.” Nobody would choose me over their father, and I would never, ever ask that of her. “I’m so sorry. I told my boss yesterday that this was unacceptable, that I wouldn’t cooperate if they didn’t leave you and your family alone.” I shrugged. “I broke rule one-eighty-six of spy camp—don’t show your hand. By telling him that, I told them exactly how important you are to me, and showed them exactly what they needed to do to make me comply immediately.”
“But…I…but…you’ve done so much, worked so hard, and…and…it’s not right to just end like this. For them to force you into a corner. There has to be some other path, a little hidden tunnel or something. Isn’t that what you said? That you go until you can’t find another path?”
“There really isn’t, sweetheart. This is the end of the road. No more sneaky pathways or tunnels or bridges. It’s over.” I felt sick at the realization, and no matter how I tried I couldn’t squash my anxiety and acute disappointment that we really would never get a happily ever after. “It’s me, or your dad. And I can’t have tearing your family apart on my conscience. I just can’t. I won’t.”
“Oh.”
“Yes, oh.” I blew out a long breath. “So, we’re going home. Or rather, you’ll be going home and I’m going to a facility to tell them what I’ve been up to this past week. Now, I need to make a call and see if I can’t unravel one part of this mess. I’ll just be outside. Back soon.”
I’d just pulled the door open and glanced outside when Sophia quietly said, “Lexie?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
“Of course.” I made myself smile. “It wouldn’t be a great start for our relationship if I let them keep your dad away from you and your family.”
Shit. That word again. Relationship.
Sophia’s eyes had widened the moment I said it, but she didn’t say anything. And I slipped out of the door before I could put any more of my foot in my mouth.
Lennon answered after the second ring and I dove right in. “I’m sure you know what’s happening.”
“I do.”
“I anticipate I have twelve hours max before I’ll be in custody. A little sooner than I wanted, but turns out they’re smart.”
“I’ll be following closely, and if we can assist, we will.” Ice cubes clinked. “But don’t let her make you soft, Alexandra. People will always use that to their advantage.”
I bristled at the implication. Sophia wasn’t like that. Wasn’t like them. Wasn’t like…me. “She doesn’t. She makes me strong. I need to destroy this phone before they get access to it. I assume you’ll have a new one sent to me when the time is right. If, I mean.”
“We will. Everyone at Halcyon will know what you’ve given up.”
“Right. You know, that almost makes me feel not-shit. I told Derek that my only condition for coming quietly is that I want the Flores’ protected. I may have pretended I was going to leak the intel.”
“Clever. Never give up everything in a negotiation.”
“I don’t think this is a negotiation so much as a surrender. But, whatever. I’m telling you because I need you to prioritize their safety, because I don’t know if he can do it. Whisper in ears, do whatever you do. I’ve done everything you’ve asked me, and it’s cost me something I wanted.” Something that I didn’t even know I’d wanted. I swallowed hard and forced the words out through a throat tight with emotion. “Promise me you’ll try.”
“I’ll try.”
“Try really hard. This is my last communication from this number.” I hung up and powered down the blue phone. It only took a few minutes to break the SIM and give the phone a brick wall smashy-smashy treatment.
Despite the fact I was using another new throwaway cell phone, Derek answered after three rings. “Wood.”
“I’m guessing they didn’t read your report detailing my demands.”
“I haven’t filed it yet.”
That made me pause. “Why?”
“Because I’m trying to see if there’s another way for you.”
“There isn’t. You need to make a call to the White House the moment I hang up. Tell them what I told you yesterday to pass on about releasing Sophia Flores and her family from any perceived wrongdoing. Unless I get that assurance and Mr. Flores is released unharmed, I will not share my exact location. And I mean unharmed. If he so much as doesn’t like the chair in his room or the food they’re giving him, no deal. He has a medical condition and they didn’t let him take medication when they grabbed him. I expect that they will provide him with whatever he needs the moment he needs it or I’m going to be very upset. And you can tell them that when I’m upset, I have a habit of forgetting to secure classified intel.”
There was a pause. I sighed. “Imagine I’m tapping my nose,” I said. “It’s all I have, Derek. Tell them, make them think they have no choice but to do as I’m demanding. Please. If you’re trying to find another way to help me, then help me with this. Please,” I begged again.
It took him almost thirty seconds to respond with a barely audible, “Okay.”
“The issue of his medication? I want that to be the first thing you tell them.”
“I’ll bring it up right away.” Derek’s voice softened. “And I don’t know what they have in mind, but I’m not going to let you rot in a detention facility for the rest of your life.”
An interesting change of direction. “Got another taste for rescue, sir?”
He chuckled. “I always do.” The laughter in his voice died. “I’ll do my best.”
“That’s always been good enough for me.”
Quietly, Derek said, “I’m glad.” He cleared his throat. “I estimate it will take them a few hours to arrange for Mr. Flores’s release.” He didn’t even try to quibble the point, or tell me that they might not agree to it, which told me it was nothing more than a tool to break me. A big fucking sledgehammer.
“Okay then. I’ll call you when I’ve confirmed he’s free and unharmed, and we can proceed from there. I’ll hold up my end of the bargain, if they hold up theirs. Talk soon.” I ended the call and opened the phone to remove and break the SIM card. This trip was really adding to my environmental waste toll. I made a mental note to plant some trees and pay the carbon offset taxes next time I hired a car or took a flight. If I ever hired a car or took a flight again.
Leaning against the side of the building, I tried to relax. I was ashamed of the relief that flooded through me now that I’d finally unburdened myself of this. I had a plan. A plan I didn’t like, but having some of the pressure relieved made me feel better than I had in weeks. I’d changed course and now all I had to do was ride out the rest of the journey and hope Lennon and Derek would come through for me.
Sophia sat on the bed, staring at the door, and had clearly been doing so since I left. She hopped up the moment I slid the chain home, and moved like she was going to come to me but had suddenly realized her feet were stuck to the floor. “Is everything okay?”
“I’ve been assured your dad will be released very soon, and that he’s safe and okay. I also pointed out the issue of his medical condition and they’re aware of it and on top of the situation.” Letting Mr. Flores die in custody was not a good way to proceed, and they’d know that. “When you receive confirmation from someone you trust, either him or your mom, that he’s home, then I’ll call them, tell them where I am and they’ll come get me.” I exhaled, feeling so suddenly fatigued I wasn’t sure I could keep standing. I let myself sink into one of the unforgiving chairs around the table. “I was told that it might take a few hours for them to arrange the paperwork and drive him home again.”
“Do you trust them?”
“I don’t really trust anyone.”
“Not even me?” The hurt in the question was unmistakable.
“Trust…is hard. Trust can get you killed. I trust you to be honest with me. I trust you when we’re intimate, more than I’ve ever trusted anyone in that situation. I trust you to not betray me here and now.” I exhaled a long breath. “But real, deep, reciprocal, place my life in your hands under any circumstances type trust? That needs time to build.”
She bit her lower lip. “Do you think we could ever have something like that?”
“Yes, I do. If we had time to build it. If that’s what you wanted.” The truth of that statement hurt so badly I almost doubled over. We never would have time.
“It’s what I want.” She said it so quietly that I had to take a few moments to parse the words.
“Me too.” I forced a smile. “So, I don’t trust them, but I do trust that they’re going to do what I asked, because if they don’t then they risk me disappearing for real and spreading everything I know far and wide and very publicly.”
“Would you really do that?” Sophia looked like asking the question made her feel sick.
“No. I’ve discovered I don’t really have the stomach for this constant run-and-hide business. And I would never leak classified intel, regardless of how I feel about the situation.” I grinned, shrugged. “But they can’t know that for sure, so…at the moment, I have a little leverage.” It didn’t feel like it, but when they finally got me, I was going to do my damnedest to tip the balance of power in my favor.
Chapter Twenty-one
Sometimes your best isn’t actually good enough—how’s that for a motivational poster?
I’d exhausted myself with mindless pacing, packing up all my stuff, working out logistics with Sophia like returning the rental car and her taking my tea stuff and my dress, and pulling apart the laptops and destroying the internal drives so nothing could be traced back to Halcyon. Sophia sat beside me where I’d dropped onto the bed, rubbing soothing circles on my back. She didn’t say anything, just sat with me while I slumped forward with my hands clasped in my lap. I squeezed my hands together until my knuckles felt like they were going to burst through my skin.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she quietly asked.
I shrugged. “Not much to say. I’m just tired. Tired of trying to figure out how this happened to me. Tired of running and hiding. Tired of being the one who has to sacrifice.”
She reached around to cup my cheek so she could turn my face toward her. “You don’t have to be Atlas, holding the whole weight of this.”
“But who else will?” Not her or her family—I’d make sure of that. Not Derek, he had no power. Not Halcyon—they’d do what they were tasked with doing and remain unsullied. It was all on my shoulders.
She was quiet for long moments, her hand stroking the length of my back. “Whatever you need to do, I’ll support that. I’m here for you however you might need me. What can I do? How can I help you?”
She couldn’t. Not in the way she thought, by doing something. Rather, her help would be just existing, me knowing she was out in the world living safely, being able to remember our time together. “Tell the truth if they talk to you. I’ve told them you’re not involved and they’re not to do anything to you or your family. That was part of my deal for turning myself in.” I swiped the back of my hand over my nose. “And please, please tell your family sorry from me. I really didn’t mean for your dad to get involved.”
Now she held my face in both her hands. “I know you didn’t.”
“I’d still like to meet them someday.” It came out quiet, hopeful, like a kid asking someone to be their friend.
“I’d like that too. I bet Mom would fall over herself to make veggie pozole for you.”
I coughed out a dry laugh. “For the woman who dragged her daughter into a national security incident and had her husband taken and held in detention? Pozole with extra arsenic.”
Sophia’s laugh was loud and long. “Oh god. If she decided you had to be taught a lesson, she’d never do something as underhanded as poison you.” She tsked jokingly. “She’d just come right out and wallop you, then point at your place at our family table. If she satisfies herself that you’re a good person, and if she knows I’m happy, then that’s enough.”
“Are you happy?” I whispered, afraid to hear her answer.
“Right now? Not so much because of what’s about to happen. But you, generally speaking, make me happy. I just wish we had some more time to explore that now. But…” She shrugged. “Maybe later.”
Me.
But what about everyone else who depended upon me, even if they never knew it?
Sophia pulled back, cupped my face in her hands, and tenderly used her thumbs to wipe underneath my eyes. “It’s going to be okay, really.”
It was a sweet sentiment, and I knew what she meant and that she wanted to be encouraging. But deep down I knew it wouldn’t be okay. Maybe passable, eventually, but not okay. Still, I couldn’t help asking, “How do you know?”
“Because it has to be. Because I don’t want this to be all we ever have together.” She smiled tremulously. “It can’t be.”
I had no answer, no witty comeback. So I pulled her close, kissed her and then dropped my face into her neck and tried not to fall apart again.
Freaked out about Sophia’s latest email, I decided—once I’d stopped blubbering—that we should change hotels again, and she agreed unhesitatingly. We packed, again, and I took our key to the front desk, again, and gave them a bullshit story about plans changing. Another few hundred dollars wasted. Again. Sorry, Halcyon accountants.
This whole experience was reminiscent of my brief stint backpacking through Europe before I started college, and reminded me how much I’d hated not being settled in one place. In deference to Sophia’s desire to have something homecooked, I agreed with her find of a studio apartment with a small kitchen. It was probably only going to be for a night or two, at most, and I wanted to give her what I could, while I could. Before I…left.
I claimed the shower first, and Sophia declared she’d order dinner. I paused midway through unlacing my shoes. “Weren’t you saying something about cooking? Isn’t that why we decided on an apartment with a kitchen?”
“Mhmm, and didn’t you say something about cooking for me?” she rebutted playfully. “Or was that just to get me into bed?”
“I did say that, yes, and it had nothing to do with trying to sleep with you. Tomorrow we’ll get some fresh groceries and I’m going to woo the shit out of you with my culinary prowess.” I’d cook a last supper of sorts.
“Careful. You’ve already wooed the shit out of me with your personality and bed skills. Too much wooing and I might pass out.”
“Too much ego boosting like that, and it might be me who passes out.” I kissed her as I passed the closet where she was hanging clothes.
“Feel like Mexican?” she asked my departing back.
I glanced back at her, smiling. “Always.”
Standing under the hot spray, something pleasant niggled at the back of my mind. It was just like our first night on the road when she’d chosen Mexican and dishes she’d remembered I’d liked. Maybe, sometime in the future, we might get to go to a nice restaurant and have an actual date night where I could dress up and put makeup on and we could act like a regular couple. I twisted the faucet to cold, gritted my teeth through the arctic blast for twenty seconds, then shut off the water. Maybes were nothing more than pointless wishes.
When I came out of the shower to dress, Sophia glanced up at me then back down at her phone, nervously chewing her lower lip. I didn’t know how to ask what was going on, yet again, but I didn’t have to.
“I just got a call from Mom,” she said with forced calm. When she looked up, her expression was like someone had dragged her face downward. “Dad’s been…taken.”
For a moment, I forgot how to breathe. “What do you mean, taken?” My stomach lurched, and though I was sure I knew what she would say, I asked the question anyway. “Taken where? How? By whom?”
“She said a bunch of people in uniforms, waving badges and papers and shouting a whole bunch of stuff, came in and then handcuffed him and took him.” She used her palms to wipe under her eyes. “They said something about his immigration status? What the fuck? He came here as a kid, Lexie. He’s a naturalized citizen. He served in the US Army. He married an American woman. His accent is basically American, for fuck’s sake. They can’t deport him to Mexico, can they?”
“No.” But they were sure as hell going to threaten it. “I’m so sorry. This is my fault.”
She didn’t acknowledge what I’d said, just started pacing around the room. “They came in the middle of his meal. Just grabbed him, didn’t let him get any spare clothes or even his wallet. He’s got a heart condition and they didn’t let him take any medication. He’s in his seventies.” Sophia’s voice broke up. “What if something happens and he doesn’t have his pills?”
“Nothing’s going to happen to him, I promise. I’m going to make a call right now and make it right, make sure he’s okay.”
“How can you make sure he’s okay?”
“Because they want me, and I’m going to make them release him in exchange for me.”
That stopped her short. “You’re…what?”
“Yes. He’s the perfect negotiation tool. Sorry, that sounds impersonal but that’s how they would be viewing him. They’ve found my weak spot. You and, by extension, anyone who is associated with you.” I watched her working through this new information. If she didn’t already hate me… I sighed. “This is how negotiations work. Or, not negotiations in this case, but rather a bargaining chip.” I offered a weak smile.
She sank onto the bed. “No. No…”
“Yes. Think, Sophia, not about me and what I’m doing. This is your dad.” Nobody would choose me over their father, and I would never, ever ask that of her. “I’m so sorry. I told my boss yesterday that this was unacceptable, that I wouldn’t cooperate if they didn’t leave you and your family alone.” I shrugged. “I broke rule one-eighty-six of spy camp—don’t show your hand. By telling him that, I told them exactly how important you are to me, and showed them exactly what they needed to do to make me comply immediately.”
“But…I…but…you’ve done so much, worked so hard, and…and…it’s not right to just end like this. For them to force you into a corner. There has to be some other path, a little hidden tunnel or something. Isn’t that what you said? That you go until you can’t find another path?”
“There really isn’t, sweetheart. This is the end of the road. No more sneaky pathways or tunnels or bridges. It’s over.” I felt sick at the realization, and no matter how I tried I couldn’t squash my anxiety and acute disappointment that we really would never get a happily ever after. “It’s me, or your dad. And I can’t have tearing your family apart on my conscience. I just can’t. I won’t.”
“Oh.”
“Yes, oh.” I blew out a long breath. “So, we’re going home. Or rather, you’ll be going home and I’m going to a facility to tell them what I’ve been up to this past week. Now, I need to make a call and see if I can’t unravel one part of this mess. I’ll just be outside. Back soon.”
I’d just pulled the door open and glanced outside when Sophia quietly said, “Lexie?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
“Of course.” I made myself smile. “It wouldn’t be a great start for our relationship if I let them keep your dad away from you and your family.”
Shit. That word again. Relationship.
Sophia’s eyes had widened the moment I said it, but she didn’t say anything. And I slipped out of the door before I could put any more of my foot in my mouth.
Lennon answered after the second ring and I dove right in. “I’m sure you know what’s happening.”
“I do.”
“I anticipate I have twelve hours max before I’ll be in custody. A little sooner than I wanted, but turns out they’re smart.”
“I’ll be following closely, and if we can assist, we will.” Ice cubes clinked. “But don’t let her make you soft, Alexandra. People will always use that to their advantage.”
I bristled at the implication. Sophia wasn’t like that. Wasn’t like them. Wasn’t like…me. “She doesn’t. She makes me strong. I need to destroy this phone before they get access to it. I assume you’ll have a new one sent to me when the time is right. If, I mean.”
“We will. Everyone at Halcyon will know what you’ve given up.”
“Right. You know, that almost makes me feel not-shit. I told Derek that my only condition for coming quietly is that I want the Flores’ protected. I may have pretended I was going to leak the intel.”
“Clever. Never give up everything in a negotiation.”
“I don’t think this is a negotiation so much as a surrender. But, whatever. I’m telling you because I need you to prioritize their safety, because I don’t know if he can do it. Whisper in ears, do whatever you do. I’ve done everything you’ve asked me, and it’s cost me something I wanted.” Something that I didn’t even know I’d wanted. I swallowed hard and forced the words out through a throat tight with emotion. “Promise me you’ll try.”
“I’ll try.”
“Try really hard. This is my last communication from this number.” I hung up and powered down the blue phone. It only took a few minutes to break the SIM and give the phone a brick wall smashy-smashy treatment.
Despite the fact I was using another new throwaway cell phone, Derek answered after three rings. “Wood.”
“I’m guessing they didn’t read your report detailing my demands.”
“I haven’t filed it yet.”
That made me pause. “Why?”
“Because I’m trying to see if there’s another way for you.”
“There isn’t. You need to make a call to the White House the moment I hang up. Tell them what I told you yesterday to pass on about releasing Sophia Flores and her family from any perceived wrongdoing. Unless I get that assurance and Mr. Flores is released unharmed, I will not share my exact location. And I mean unharmed. If he so much as doesn’t like the chair in his room or the food they’re giving him, no deal. He has a medical condition and they didn’t let him take medication when they grabbed him. I expect that they will provide him with whatever he needs the moment he needs it or I’m going to be very upset. And you can tell them that when I’m upset, I have a habit of forgetting to secure classified intel.”
There was a pause. I sighed. “Imagine I’m tapping my nose,” I said. “It’s all I have, Derek. Tell them, make them think they have no choice but to do as I’m demanding. Please. If you’re trying to find another way to help me, then help me with this. Please,” I begged again.
It took him almost thirty seconds to respond with a barely audible, “Okay.”
“The issue of his medication? I want that to be the first thing you tell them.”
“I’ll bring it up right away.” Derek’s voice softened. “And I don’t know what they have in mind, but I’m not going to let you rot in a detention facility for the rest of your life.”
An interesting change of direction. “Got another taste for rescue, sir?”
He chuckled. “I always do.” The laughter in his voice died. “I’ll do my best.”
“That’s always been good enough for me.”
Quietly, Derek said, “I’m glad.” He cleared his throat. “I estimate it will take them a few hours to arrange for Mr. Flores’s release.” He didn’t even try to quibble the point, or tell me that they might not agree to it, which told me it was nothing more than a tool to break me. A big fucking sledgehammer.
“Okay then. I’ll call you when I’ve confirmed he’s free and unharmed, and we can proceed from there. I’ll hold up my end of the bargain, if they hold up theirs. Talk soon.” I ended the call and opened the phone to remove and break the SIM card. This trip was really adding to my environmental waste toll. I made a mental note to plant some trees and pay the carbon offset taxes next time I hired a car or took a flight. If I ever hired a car or took a flight again.
Leaning against the side of the building, I tried to relax. I was ashamed of the relief that flooded through me now that I’d finally unburdened myself of this. I had a plan. A plan I didn’t like, but having some of the pressure relieved made me feel better than I had in weeks. I’d changed course and now all I had to do was ride out the rest of the journey and hope Lennon and Derek would come through for me.
Sophia sat on the bed, staring at the door, and had clearly been doing so since I left. She hopped up the moment I slid the chain home, and moved like she was going to come to me but had suddenly realized her feet were stuck to the floor. “Is everything okay?”
“I’ve been assured your dad will be released very soon, and that he’s safe and okay. I also pointed out the issue of his medical condition and they’re aware of it and on top of the situation.” Letting Mr. Flores die in custody was not a good way to proceed, and they’d know that. “When you receive confirmation from someone you trust, either him or your mom, that he’s home, then I’ll call them, tell them where I am and they’ll come get me.” I exhaled, feeling so suddenly fatigued I wasn’t sure I could keep standing. I let myself sink into one of the unforgiving chairs around the table. “I was told that it might take a few hours for them to arrange the paperwork and drive him home again.”
“Do you trust them?”
“I don’t really trust anyone.”
“Not even me?” The hurt in the question was unmistakable.
“Trust…is hard. Trust can get you killed. I trust you to be honest with me. I trust you when we’re intimate, more than I’ve ever trusted anyone in that situation. I trust you to not betray me here and now.” I exhaled a long breath. “But real, deep, reciprocal, place my life in your hands under any circumstances type trust? That needs time to build.”
She bit her lower lip. “Do you think we could ever have something like that?”
“Yes, I do. If we had time to build it. If that’s what you wanted.” The truth of that statement hurt so badly I almost doubled over. We never would have time.
“It’s what I want.” She said it so quietly that I had to take a few moments to parse the words.
“Me too.” I forced a smile. “So, I don’t trust them, but I do trust that they’re going to do what I asked, because if they don’t then they risk me disappearing for real and spreading everything I know far and wide and very publicly.”
“Would you really do that?” Sophia looked like asking the question made her feel sick.
“No. I’ve discovered I don’t really have the stomach for this constant run-and-hide business. And I would never leak classified intel, regardless of how I feel about the situation.” I grinned, shrugged. “But they can’t know that for sure, so…at the moment, I have a little leverage.” It didn’t feel like it, but when they finally got me, I was going to do my damnedest to tip the balance of power in my favor.
Chapter Twenty-one
Sometimes your best isn’t actually good enough—how’s that for a motivational poster?
I’d exhausted myself with mindless pacing, packing up all my stuff, working out logistics with Sophia like returning the rental car and her taking my tea stuff and my dress, and pulling apart the laptops and destroying the internal drives so nothing could be traced back to Halcyon. Sophia sat beside me where I’d dropped onto the bed, rubbing soothing circles on my back. She didn’t say anything, just sat with me while I slumped forward with my hands clasped in my lap. I squeezed my hands together until my knuckles felt like they were going to burst through my skin.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she quietly asked.
I shrugged. “Not much to say. I’m just tired. Tired of trying to figure out how this happened to me. Tired of running and hiding. Tired of being the one who has to sacrifice.”
She reached around to cup my cheek so she could turn my face toward her. “You don’t have to be Atlas, holding the whole weight of this.”
“But who else will?” Not her or her family—I’d make sure of that. Not Derek, he had no power. Not Halcyon—they’d do what they were tasked with doing and remain unsullied. It was all on my shoulders.
She was quiet for long moments, her hand stroking the length of my back. “Whatever you need to do, I’ll support that. I’m here for you however you might need me. What can I do? How can I help you?”
She couldn’t. Not in the way she thought, by doing something. Rather, her help would be just existing, me knowing she was out in the world living safely, being able to remember our time together. “Tell the truth if they talk to you. I’ve told them you’re not involved and they’re not to do anything to you or your family. That was part of my deal for turning myself in.” I swiped the back of my hand over my nose. “And please, please tell your family sorry from me. I really didn’t mean for your dad to get involved.”
Now she held my face in both her hands. “I know you didn’t.”
“I’d still like to meet them someday.” It came out quiet, hopeful, like a kid asking someone to be their friend.
“I’d like that too. I bet Mom would fall over herself to make veggie pozole for you.”
I coughed out a dry laugh. “For the woman who dragged her daughter into a national security incident and had her husband taken and held in detention? Pozole with extra arsenic.”
Sophia’s laugh was loud and long. “Oh god. If she decided you had to be taught a lesson, she’d never do something as underhanded as poison you.” She tsked jokingly. “She’d just come right out and wallop you, then point at your place at our family table. If she satisfies herself that you’re a good person, and if she knows I’m happy, then that’s enough.”
“Are you happy?” I whispered, afraid to hear her answer.
“Right now? Not so much because of what’s about to happen. But you, generally speaking, make me happy. I just wish we had some more time to explore that now. But…” She shrugged. “Maybe later.”
