Tattered, p.26
Tattered, page 26
She probably didn’t know how close she’d been to death. Hazel had been right the first day I’d met her. Thea had been fighting her whole life.
“What do you want me to do with all this, Dad? It doesn’t change anything.” I looked him in the eye. “I love her.”
“I know.” He nodded. “I admire Thea for making something of her life. Over half the other kids in this picture are strung out on drugs, in jail or dead. But before you decide to marry her, ask yourself if that’s right for her. It seems to me she worked hard to get away from her old life. Will she be happy coming back here for yours?”
“She could be.” I could make her happy here.
“Maybe. But if not, what then? You two get divorced and she takes Charlie back to Montana. Where does that leave you?”
In the same place I was now—two thousand miles away from my daughter. “I could leave New York.”
It wasn’t the first time the idea had crossed my mind, but it was the first time I’d said it out loud. The words tasted bitter and my stomach churned.
“Not an option,” Dad declared. “You can’t abandon your responsibilities to this family. Before too long, I’m handing everything over to you and Aubrey.”
I’d always known his position at the head of the Kendrick family would one day be mine. And though Aubrey might run the business side of things, we all knew I was the one who’d fill Dad’s shoes as leader.
I’d be the one to solve problems or family disputes. I’d oversee the foundation. I’d ensure all of the Kendricks got their fair share. Aubrey would manage the business. I’d get everything else.
Dad was right. Leaving New York wasn’t an option. I couldn’t just quit my job at the firm; partners were owners too. Plus, I couldn’t shirk my responsibilities with the family.
“Is this all? I need to get back to Thea and Charlie.” The urge to convince Thea to move was stronger than ever. When Dad nodded, I started for the door.
“Oh, and Logan?” he called, causing me to pause and glance back. “I’m sorry about tonight. Your mother and I will do better tomorrow.”
“I’d appreciate that.” I turned again but stopped as Sofia hurried into the office.
“Logan?” Her eyes were puffy from crying. Her shoulders were hunched forward and her eyes downtrodden. It was the innocent, “poor me” look she’d perfected by thirteen. “Did you really mean it when you said you’d take away my money?”
No. But I was still pissed she’d brought Alice up here just to cause drama, so I wasn’t going to tell her that tonight. “You went too far.”
She sniffled. “I’m sorry.”
“Are you? You and your friend condemned Thea because of her profession. Ironic, considering you’ve never had one. Maybe if you actually had to get a job, you’d appreciate the money you were born into.”
Something I’d make sure Charlie knew was a privilege, not a right. My daughter would value the trust fund I’d set up for her weeks ago. Though, I doubted I’d be the one to teach her that lesson. Thea would do a better job than I ever could. After all, she actually knew what it was like to go without.
“You’re serious?” Sofia’s jaw dropped. “You’d really cut me off?”
I shrugged. “I guess that depends on you. Grow up, Sofia.”
With that parting shot, I left her standing with her mouth agape in the office and darted down the hall. I opened the back door to the patio, finally escaping the house, but was stopped short when I spotted Granny sitting on a rocking bench by the pool.
“I figured you’d be long gone by now to escape the drama.”
She smiled and patted the seat next to her. “I’ll be off soon enough.”
Granny lived just down the road in a house slightly smaller than ours. As kids, Aubrey, Sofia and I had spent our time alternating between her pool and our own each summer.
“So, dinner was interesting.”
She laughed. “It always is.”
“I’m not sure what to do here, Granny.”
“What do I always tell you when you’re stuck?”
“To sally forth.”
Except pushing harder didn’t feel right. Not this time. It would be like forcing together two puzzle pieces that had never been meant to fit.
“I can’t lose them. I refuse to lose them.”
There had to be a way to have it all. Somehow, I had to find a way to keep my job and uphold my family responsibilities while having Thea and Charlie by my side.
Granny patted my knee without another word of advice, then stood. “Come and visit me tomorrow. Bring my little Charlie and Thea along too.”
“I will.” I stood too to kiss her cheek and say good night.
After she disappeared inside, I jogged down to the guesthouse. According to the wall clock in the entryway, it was still early, only eight, but all the lights were off except one over the stove in the kitchen. I went straight down the hall toward the bedrooms, hoping Charlie wasn’t already asleep.
I grinned at the light glowing from underneath her door. I reached for the knob but stopped when I heard Charlie and Thea giggling. I leaned in closer, savoring the sound.
“What else should we do when we get home?” Thea asked.
“Let’s go fishing with Uncle Jackson.”
“Oooh. Good idea. It’s my turn to catch the biggest fish.”
Charlie laughed. “Nuh-uh. You caught the biggest one last time. It’s my turn.”
“Oh, right. Sorry.” Thea was smiling. I heard it in her voice. “Well, then I guess it can be your turn. What else?”
“Hmmm, I don’t know.”
“How about we do something special with Gran? I bet she’s missed us almost as much as we’ve missed her.”
“Yeah!” Charlie cheered. “We should go to our special waterfall.”
“Definitely. We’ll pack a picnic and make it a whole afternoon. Then we can tell Gran all about our trip.”
Charlie giggled. “I’m going to tell her it always smells like poop.”
Ironic that my daughter would think New York smelled bad when I’d told Nolan the same thing about Montana.
When she stopped laughing, the bed moved and Charlie yawned. “I can’t wait to go home.”
“You and me both, my love,” Thea whispered. “You and me both.”
The pain in my chest was staggering. I backed away from the door, leaning against the wall and sinking down to sit on the carpet. This dread was achingly familiar. It was the same one I’d felt when Emmeline had decided to move, except this time, it was a hundred times worse.
The woman I loved—the love of my life—was leaving me for Montana. She was taking my daughter with her, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop it.
All along, I’d believed that we could make this work. I’d believed that I could convince them to move. But as I listened to Thea and Charlie talk about going home, my beliefs slipped into the night.
Because I knew, deep down, the right thing to do was to let them go where they would be happiest.
I closed the door to Charlie’s room and almost screamed when I saw Logan sitting outside it. My hand flew to my pounding heart. “Oh my god, you scared me.”
“Sorry.”
“What are you doing?” I whispered.
He shook his head, staring at the floor. “Just listening. Is she asleep?”
“Yeah. She’s exhausted. It’s been a long week.” I held out a hand to help him up.
He took it, standing quickly and yanking me into his arms. We stood there for a few minutes, clinging to the other in the dark hallway. Finally, he broke away and took my hand, leading me to our bedroom. Logan flipped on the light, then ran a hand through his hair as he sat on the end of the bed.
I crossed the room and plopped next to him, our hunched shoulders touching.
“I’m sorry, baby. I never would have brought you here if I’d thought they’d act like that. I just can’t believe . . .” He shook his head. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault.” He might not have expected them to act so suspicious, but I hadn’t been entirely surprised. Disappointed, yes. But not all that surprised.
Logan took one of my hands, his long fingers easily wrapping over my palm. Then he turned it over, studying my knuckles. I felt his next words before they came out. “Don’t leave.”
“I have to,” I whispered.
“Why?”
I turned to meet his pleading gaze. “I need to go home. This life . . .” I stood from the bed, swinging an arm to indicate the expensive room. “This life isn’t for me.”
“It could be.”
I took a deep breath, willing myself not to cry. If even a single tear fell, I’d never be able to finish. And Logan deserved an explanation.
It was time for the conversation I’d been dreading for days.
“Your dad looked into me, didn’t he?”
He nodded. “I didn’t know, but he told me tonight. There are some things he found. Things you should know.”
“Did he find my mother?”
He shook his head. “No. It’s about the orphanage and the director. She—”
“Don’t tell me.” I cut him off. “I don’t want to know.” I’d said good-bye to that chapter of my life earlier this week at the orphanage.
“Are you sure?”
I nodded. “I might ask you one day, but not now.”
“All right.”
“It’s probably easier that way.” I was glad I didn’t have to explain it all. “Now you know that I come from nothing. All I have from my childhood were those photos you found and some old tattered baby booties that a nurse made me while I was detoxing in the hospital.”
“I don’t care where you came from.”
“I know. But can you understand how big of a change this is? You have so much.”
“And you can too.” He stopped me. “You can have anything your heart desires.”
“It’s not about the things, Logan.” I started pacing. “Or money. It’s about our lifestyle.”
“And I’m telling you that we can have any lifestyle you want. If you don’t want to live in the penthouse, we’ll move. If you want to live where there’s more space, we can buy a home out here, and I’ll commute to work. Whatever you want, we can have it here.”
“But that’s just it. I don’t want here.” I pointed to the floor. “I don’t want to live in New York.”
His forehead furrowed. “Why?”
“Because I hate it here.” My hands came to my heart as the truth came out. “Everything about New York just makes me feel like less. It makes me small. It reminds me of how powerless I was back then. No matter how hard I worked, I just couldn’t get ahead.”
No matter how nice or polite or happy I appeared, no one would ever give me a home. Every young couple who came into the orphanage left without a backward glance. Yet each time someone came in, I’d been foolish enough to hope that they’d pick me.
Years of shattered hopes had finally crushed my spirit. If Hazel hadn’t come along, I doubted I’d have even a shred of it left.
Logan reached for me but I kept pacing. “It doesn’t have to be like that ever again, Thea. You don’t ever have to work. You can do your artwork here. We’ll get your pieces into a gallery. You don’t have to mix a drink ever again or pour another beer.”
“No.” The burn in my throat was choking me, but I swallowed it down. “It’s not about my job. And I don’t want to be in galleries. I don’t want art to be my job. I do it for me, and that’s it. It’s about living a life I created. One that I’m proud of.”
“And you couldn’t be proud to live with me here?” The pain in his voice gutted me.
“I’m always proud to be with you.” I walked to the bed and put my hands on his face, making him look me in the eye so he knew how true that was. “Always. But this isn’t about you. It’s about me.”
I let him go and sat back down by his side, this time taking his hand in both of mine.
“I have three thousand, seventy-four dollars and fifty-one cents in my checking account.” I’d memorized the number this morning, just like I did every day. “Every penny came from mixing drinks and pouring beer. Running the Lark Cove Bar isn’t just my job. It’s my passion.”
His eyebrows came together. “Your passion?”
“My passion.” I nodded. “When I left the city, I had nothing. Not in the literal sense, though I didn’t have much, but I had nothing in here.” I placed his hand on my heart. “No confidence. No strength. I was so lonely and broken and tired. The only thing keeping me going was Charlie. Knowing that she was growing inside of me and needed me to keep pushing.”
His face softened and he placed his free hand on top of mine.
“She saved me, in so many ways. She gave me this ambition and this drive to give her everything in my power. She made me fearless. Because of her, I built us a life that I’m proud of and it all started at the bar.”
When I’d gotten to Montana, I think Hazel had taken one look at me and known I needed a project. I’d always been a hard worker, at school or at whatever job I’d been in. But I’d had no ownership in them. Hazel had handed over the keys to the bar and led me to the office. She’d stood in the doorway, pointed to a desk buried in papers and said fix it.
Three days after that, I’d come home to find her cleaning out the garden shed so I could have it for my art. She’d given me a proper place to create instead of the orphanage’s kitchen table where she’d watched me draw so many years before.
I leaned into Logan, who was waiting patiently for me to continue. “That place means a lot to me. I’ve taken it from barely paying expenses to making money for me, Jackson and Hazel. I didn’t have a fancy education. Charlie learned things in kindergarten last year that I didn’t learn until third or fourth grade. But I worked my ass off, researching and experimenting and running that business. I’m proud of what it’s become.”
“You should be.” He kissed my forehead, his praise making it even harder not to cry. “If you want to run a business here, we can make that happen. I’ll buy—”
“No, Logan.” I stopped him. “Not here. I know I’m not doing a good job of explaining it, but I feel different here. Like the past is weighing me down. All those self-doubts and insecurities have come back.”
“It won’t always be like that. Give it time,” he pleaded.
“Maybe. Maybe this all seems silly and after a year or two here, it wouldn’t be like that anymore. But it’s more than just bad memories. If we left, I’d have to say good-bye to Hazel and Jackson, and I honestly don’t think I can. They’re my family. I worked . . .” I choked back more tears. “I worked so hard to find a family, Logan. I don’t want to give them up.”
I didn’t want to be thousands of miles away if Hazel’s health started to fail or if Jackson finally found love.
“I’m worried that if I stay and I’m unhappy, I’ll start to resent you.” I held tighter to his hand. “And so would Charlie.”
He hung his head. “She’s miserable, isn’t she?”
“She loves you. I think she’d put herself through all the dresses and uncomfortable shoes in the world if you asked her to. But . . .”
“But I won’t,” he whispered.
And that was why I loved him completely. His love for our daughter. He’d known Charlie for weeks and already put her happiness first.
I’d do the same. If I truly thought she’d be happier here than in Montana, we’d stay. I’d sacrifice my home and job and family so she could be with her dad. But I knew deep in my soul that my girl needed open space and big skies.
“She’s all that matters.”
He brought a hand up to my cheek. “Not all.”
A tear fell onto his thumb. “I wish—”
“I know.” His eyes were still full of pain, but there was understanding too. “Me too.”
Logan blew out a deep breath and stood from the bed. “I don’t know what to do.”
I shrugged. “There’s nothing to do. We move forward. We make Charlie’s life as happy as it can be.”
“And what about us?”
I looked at my lap and let a few more tears fall onto my dress. “I think it would be better to end it now. Before it gets even harder.”
“Even harder?” He scoffed. “Thea, I am in love with you. I have a ring in my suitcase that I’d hoped to give you tonight. How could it get any harder?”
My shoulders began to shake. “I love you too.”
“Just not enough to stay.”
My entire body flinched. The pain burned hot for a moment until anger took its place. “You could move. Why are we the ones who have to make the huge life change?”
He shook his head. “I can’t. My career is in New York. My family too. You’re not the only one who’s proud of what they’ve accomplished and doesn’t want to give it up.”
“Okay. Then we’re back to where we were.” I swiped my eyes dry. “The impossible.”
He stopped pacing, his balled fists relaxing. “I don’t want to fight.”
“Me neither.”
I didn’t want us to end on bad terms. We had years ahead of us as Charlie’s parents, and they’d be easier if we could end this amicably. We had to find a way to move past the pain and just focus on raising a happy child.
Logan crossed the room to take my hands and pull me to my feet. Then he wrapped me in his arms, breathing in my hair. “I don’t want to let you go. Being with you. Having Charlie. It’s the happiest I’ve ever been. But my family. My career. I can’t—”
“It’s okay.” I relaxed into his chest. “I understand.”
And I did. I didn’t blame him for needing to stay. But we’d hit a dead end on our conversation and there wasn’t anything more to say.
I leaned back, standing on my tiptoes to press my lips against his.
He returned my kiss without hesitation, taking charge like he always did.
I melted into him completely, telling him through my touches how desperate I was for things to be different.
We stripped each other bare and fell into a tangled mess of limbs under the bed sheets. Neither of us wanted to break away to turn off the lights. Logan made love to me with his weight bearing down hard, like he wanted to keep me pinned to this place. He moved over me with a ferocity I’d never seen before. The despair in his eyes never really gone, just masked by heat.
