Faded without you, p.1
Faded (Without You), page 1
Faded
Without You: Book 3
Copyright © April 2023 by C. A Mariah
Cover Design: AJ Wolf Graphics
Interior Formatting: AJ Wolf Graphics
Editing Services: Nice Girl Naughty Edits
All rights reserved.
Faded is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and events are either a product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance of actual persons, living or dead, occurrences, or location is entirely coincidental.
No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any form without the written permission of the copyright owner except for the use of quotations in a book review.
For more information, address: authormariah21@gmail.com
T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S
Copyright
Author's Note
Content Warning
Dedication
Definition
Playlist
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Epilogue
Bonus Epilogue
A Note From Me
Acknowledgments
A U T H O R ' S N O T E
This book contains material that may not be suitable for all readers as it has dark themes that may be triggering to some. Those triggers include, but are not limited to, situations of verbal, mental, and substance abuse.
This story is a dark romance with heavy themes and triggering subjects. The situations portrayed in this story are not to be taken lightly.
C O N T E N T W A R N I N G
Drug Use
Self-Harm & Thoughts of it
Sexual Assault (Rape/Forceful Touching/Forceful Kissing)
To those who smile through their overflowing agony, pretending it doesn’t hurt to breathe.
I’ve held it in, too.
I’ve heard my heart break.
I’m with you.
D E F I N I T I O N
Faded:
Verb.
past tense: faded; past participle: faded
gradually grow faint and disappear.
Adjective.
To be diminished, defeated…
These are only a couple of definitions of the word. But when I chose this title, only one thing came to mind.
To be lost.
To be so far gone in your pain, you couldn’t find a way out.
P L A Y L I S T
Worst Luck- 6Lack
Hate That I Love You (feat. Ne-Yo)- Rihanna
For The Lover That I Lost- Sam Smith
Long Nights- 6Lack
A Little More- G-Eazy & Kiana Ledé
Body Say- Demi Lovato
Easy (Unplugged)- DaniLeigh
Falling- Harry Styles
Let Me Love You Like A Woman- Lana Del Rey
Adore You- Harry Styles
Hard- Dana Williams
I Wanna Be- Kehlani
Put It All On Me (feat. Ella Mai)- Ed Sheeran
Better Off- Ariana Grande
Exhale- Sabrina Carpenter
Starting Over- Niykee Heaton
Honeymoon Fades- Sabrina Carpenter
Now or Never- Halsey
This Love- Camila Cabello
Next To Me- Imagine Dragons
Strawberries & Cigarettes- Troye Sivan
Used To This- Camila Cabello
Thinkin Bout You- Ciara
Lights Down Low- MAX
Naked- Ella Mai
Feels- Kehlani
Leave Me Lonely (feat. Macy Gray)- Ariana Grande
If You Leave Me Now (feat. Boyz II Men)- Charlie Puth
My My My!- Troye Sivan
Save Your Tears- The Weeknd & Ariana Grande
Lovesick- BANKS
First Love Never Lasts- Kira Kosarin
WILD- Troye Sivan
Could Cry Just Thinkin About You- Troye Sivan
Talking to the Moon- Bruno Mars
Follow Me- Muse
That Was Just Your Life- Metallica
Crash- PLAZA
Escape- Kehlani
Such a Whore (Baddest Remix)- Jvla
Closer- Nine Inch Nails
Cockiness- Rihanna
Digital Bath- Deftones
Woo (Sped Up)- Lewis Hanton
Sorrows- Bryson Tiller
Man or a Monster (feat. Zayde Wolf)- Sam Tinnesz
With Myself- Winona Oak
Contaminated- BANKS
Escapism- RAYE & 070 Shake
No Less- G-Eazy & SG Lewis x Louis Mattrs
Ceilings- Lizzy McAlpine
Girls, Girls, Girls- Mötley Crüe
Nonchalant- 6LACK
Nft- Wall
Black Beauty- Lana Del Rey
1950- King Princess
Florida Kilos- Lana Del Rey
I Only Have Eyes for You- The Flamingos
ASH
P R O L O G U E
Saturday | January 1st, 2022
The stars don’t look the same without you.
You always said nighttime was the best part of the day. It was when the world came alive, and the souls that usually sleep flourished under the welcoming eye of the moon. The darkness welcomed everybody. But it isn’t welcoming me anymore, Yasi.
It screams with the voices of the past. The cries that weed used to silence are louder than ever. Even the thunderous roar of L.A. traffic can’t drown out the rasp of your voice.
I’m desperate to shut you up. And yet, here I am, underneath the twinkling sky, blowing smoke into the frigid, frosty air, thinking of you.
How did you stop your voices?
Ecstasy?
Cocaine?
Oxy?
I could do that, and maybe then you’d stop?
Yeah.
Then you’ll stop.
Happy New Year, Yasmine.
I love you, even in death.
ASH
C H A P T E R O N E
monday | february 14th, 2022
I thought head was supposed to be pleasant. Its main fucking purpose is to drive me to a mind-numbing release while almost relaxing me enough to sleep. But even Danielle’s warm, wet mouth can’t drag my thoughts out of the past. I know she senses my lack of interest. Her sucking becomes more vigorous, aggressive, almost to the point of pain, but no matter how deep she takes my cock down her throat, it doesn’t keep me hard.
“Ash…”
I know. I know.
It’s been almost half an hour, and I’m no closer to blowing my load than I was when I first shoved inside her.
“Come up here, Dani.” I sigh, pushing the edge of the blanket down so she can crawl underneath the fluffy grey comforter next to me.
Usually, the feeling of her thick thigh squeezing in between my legs is a comfort I let myself enjoy, but tonight, with my thoughts a raging hurricane causing havoc in my mind, I can’t find any relief in her softness.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t get you there,” Dani says quietly, trailing her long, lavender-painted nail in the divot between my pecs.
Tearing my eyes away from the popcorn ceiling, I look down at her sex-tangled hair, letting my eyes get lost in its inky blackness while I mumble, “Nah, baby. It’s not you, just not feeling it today, you know?”
I can feel her frown against my chest, but Dani isn’t one to pry. So, she stays silent while peppering kisses against my nipple.
I met Dani when I was nineteen. She was Yasmine’s best friend. And yes, that makes me a shitty fucking person, fucking the friend of my dead girlfriend, but it means nothing.
She’s one of the only friends I have who doesn’t blame me for what happened to Yasmine. None of them will ever admit it, but they don’t have to. I see the looks they cast my way. Danielle never has. In fact, she’s tried to carry some of the blame, as if she, or anyone, could have somehow kept Yasmine alive.
“Do you want to do something? We can go try that new burger spot that opened up on York. It’s vegan, but I heard you can hardly tell.”
My stomach rumbles at the mention of food, but I’m just not up to going out tonight.
“Raincheck? I’m just feeling a little tired tonight.”
I’m full of shit, and Dani knows it.
“You don’t have to lie, Ash… I know how hard today is.”
Valentine's Day has always been such a corny holiday, but Yasmine… she made it fun. Whether it was throwing raging anti-love parties or us staying in devouring Chinese takeout while watching slasher movies. It became something to look forward to, at least for
Now, as I stare at the picture of us sitting on my nightstand, celebrating our final Valentine's, I can’t help but feel that original hatred bubbling back up to the surface.
“Not tonight, Dan.”
With a sigh, Danielle folds back the blanket and slides from the mattress, giving me a full display of her round, perky ass as she reaches for her jeans on the floor.
“Well then, you can stay here, and I’ll go get us food. I’ll pick up some more Arette on the way. We’ll stay in tonight.”
I really want to push for her to go home, let this night be over, but I know she needs this just as much as I do.
“Alright. Let me get dressed, and then we’ll go.”
“But I thought—”
“I’m not letting you go out to York in the middle of the night by yourself,” I say, pushing myself into a seated position. I don’t care how capable Danielle is at protecting herself. Knowing she carries not only a gun but two knives and pepper spray doesn’t erase the lifetime of training my mother has drilled into my head.
You don’t leave a girl to walk alone, especially at night.
“Let’s go.”
Ignoring the small smile pulling at her lips, I spring from the bed and throw on a pair of sweats and a hoodie. “Just give me a minute.”
I walk casually into the bathroom across the hall, not bothering to switch the light on before slamming the door behind me.
Releasing a weighted breath, I knock the back of my skull against the wood and close my eyes. The overwhelming scent of bleach doesn’t mask the undertones of nicotine and marijuana.
I send a silent prayer into the universe that my mom doesn’t stop by for a visit, or I’m fucked when she sniffs this shit out.
Pushing off the door, I sink to my knees and toss the slightly damp carpet out of the way.
“You know the landlord is gonna beat the fuck out of you for ruining the wood, right?” Yasi laughs, kicking her feet as she sits on the edge of the sink, watching me remove a plank from the bathroom floor.
“He’s too lazy to get off his ass and search each board. I think I’ll be fine,” I retort, finally getting the wood panel free.
I stare at the floorboard I removed that day and sigh. It took forever to get it off, but once I did, it was smooth sailing, with Yasmine helping me cut through the underlayment and subfloor to reach the joists. It's been hiding my stash ever since.
Splinters from the edges dig into my arm as I reach inside, pulling out the bottle I need the most.
I search through all my baggies and containers before selecting the one I want. The bottle of Oxycodone I pull out wasn’t originally in my inventory. It’s just something I stole from my cousin, Omar, the last time I visited him at work. Not like the pharmacy doesn’t have enough.
Popping three pills in my mouth, I crush them between my teeth and swallow the powder dry. I throw the bottle back down in the hole with more force than necessary before securing my spot and covering it up with the rug.
Still in the dark, I switch on the faucet and splash icy water against my flushed skin, needing the pinpricks from the liquid to cool the burning heat in my cheeks.
I hate thinking of Yasi, but on days like today, it’s inevitable.
When I got locked up, I went to see the prison’s volunteer minister every Sunday. I wasn’t religious, but I needed something, anything, to help me sleep at night. A fucking prayer or spell or, shit, I’d take a damn exorcism. Anything to get her dying gasp out of my head.
He told me that her memory would hurt, but that anguish would fade into something else with time. Not pleasant, but bearable… livable.
But years have passed, thousands of hours, and that agony is still as fresh as the day she died.
Alcohol helps, but unless I want to walk around drunk twenty-four-seven, I needed to find an alternative method. Hydrocodone and Oxycotin work perfectly for that. They don’t fuck me up enough for anyone other than me to notice, and it quiets my mind to the point of genuine bliss. At least if I do one at a time. Sometimes I do more, just to ensure the relentless thoughts stay silent.
A knock at the door startles me back to the present just before the sink overflows.
“Shit. Shit,” I curse, confused as to when I put the plunger down.
“Hey. You okay?” Danielle asks once I open the door, running her knuckles down my slick skin. “You feel a little feverish.”
Nope, just depressed and waiting for my high to kick in.
“Yeah, I’m good. You ready to go?” It’s a dumb question, seeing as she’s completely dressed, with her leather backpack strapped over her shoulders.
“Yeah.” She takes my hand so she can pull us toward the front door.
Snagging my keys and wallet off the coffee table, I quickly shove them into my pocket before grabbing my Converse from the floor. Once I slip my feet inside the worn shoes, I’m slamming the door shut behind me.
“We’ll take my car,” Danielle offers, pulling her pastel pink lanyard out of her matching bag. I’m in no position to argue, so I agree readily, heading toward the passenger side of her blue Toyota Camry.
The Los Angeles air is still brisk in February. So, as the car kicks on, I welcome the warmth from her heater.
Fifteen minutes into our drive, I feel the pill beginning to work through my body, lulling me into the peaceful place inside my head I strive for.
“Ashton, you look ready to pass out. I’m just gonna take you home and let you rest.”
That’s what I asked for in the first place… and can’t she see that I’m not sick? In fact, for the first time tonight, I can finally breathe.
I feel the grip of guilt loosen around my neck as the minutes pass and the Oxy takes effect. It’s the best kind of relief, not feeling that suffocating ache around my lungs.
“No. I’m fine, just relaxed. And hungry.”
I feel her eyes linger on me as we come to a red light, but I don’t look her way. Dani spent just as much time around Yasmine high as I did. So, I know if I turn to face her, she’ll see the empty glaze in my eyes. She may already know, but silence is her friend, the same way it’s mine. Dani won’t call me out for using, the same way I didn’t say a word when I found that hickey in between her thighs.
How we find solace is nobody's business but our own.
We reach The Burger House after another ten minutes, both of us glaring at the line crowding the inside.
“Why the fuck is it busy at eleven-thirty?” Dani asks quietly, pouting as we watch from inside the car.
I laugh at her annoyance, unbuckling my seatbelt before replying, “Because people need to eat after a good fuck, Dani. Isn’t that why we’re here?”
Good is a term I use loosely. I can still feel the pressure sitting in my balls from my lack of release, but she doesn’t need to feel worse about it. I mean, she came. So a win is a fucking win, right? At least for her.
It’s wrong to flirt with Danielle. I know it is. But I just… I don’t want to feel alone anymore. Not right now, at least.
“Um. Well...” she stutters, but I jump out of the car before she can finish, needing that bit of space to remind us of our place with each other.
No feelings, purely friends that help each other satisfy a need.
Danielle comes out of the car, a crimson blush staining her creamy skin red, regardless of the breeze attempting to cool her down. She doesn’t meet my eyes, which causes a sinking feeling to form in my gut.
Shit. The lines better not be blurring.
I don’t want Danielle to like me. Not like that.
Relaxing my muscles, I unfurl my fist and breathe out the building tension. Then, nudging my head, I motion her forward.
Side by side, we walk inside the restaurant. Our hands brush against each other, and though I don’t feel a spark, for this moment, I got what I wanted.
I don’t feel so alone.
SAGE
C H A P T E R T W O
monday | february 14th, 2022
“I asked for peppermint whipped cream. This is cinnamon,” the angry teen says, sliding over her mug of steaming hot chocolate. It splashes over the rim, scalding my thigh as it lands on my skin.
Actually, she asked for cinnamon. I know because I wrote the damn order down. But it is what it is.
