My hands closed around his biceps as I started to panic, needing a breath, but Tamal wrapped his arms around us and broke the surface. I laughed as we parted and sucked in a lungful of air before I splashed him. Tamal slunk up beside me and slid his arm around my neck as he tried to dunk me. Until I sank my teeth into his arm, then sucked, and worked my way back up to his lips. I wrapped my legs around his waist and sucked on his tongue to the rhythm of the waves as he held me tight. God, I never wanted the day to end.

  Eventually, we climbed back aboard. Lunch had already been laid out for us, but the captain was nowhere in sight. We lounged on the netting as we shared the food and the occasional kiss. Full, I lay back, hands behind my head, and tried not to fall asleep.

  "You having a good time?"

  I opened my eyes to Tamal's face hovering over mine and smiled. "The best. Thank you." And it might have been the last day of my holiday, but it was definitely the most memorable and fantastic day of the whole two weeks. Tamal's answering smile rivalled the beauty of our surroundings, and he shifted so he could sit behind me, my back pressed to his front, and wrapped his arms around my chest, cocooning me in his comfort as the boat bobbed, lulling me into a doze.

  When I woke to Tamal's lips on my neck I realised that we were headed back for the hotel. When my feet landed on the beach, I told myself the sting in my eyes was from stray sand, except I knew this was goodbye. My flight to Dallas left that evening and my connecting flight to London early the day after. Almost a full day of travelling. It hadn't seemed so bad on the way here, but I didn't want to leave, and the flights only intensified the feeling. We wandered further down the beach until we were alone and Tamal wrapped me in a crushing hug before claiming my lips.

  "I can't believe this is goodbye."

  I nodded as I tried to swallow around the lump in my throat. "Me either." I cleared my throat and squeezed my eyes closed before I did something stupid like cry. He wrapped his fingers around my chin, squeezing until I opened my eyes to look at him. That serene smile appeared, and my stomach dropped at the thought he wasn't as affected by our parting as I was. Maybe he didn't want to meet up back in London. He pressed a kiss to my lips, but then quickly drew back. I tried to smile as I gathered his T-shirt in my fists, not wanting to let him go. But instead of releasing me he pulled me against his chest and kissed my temple.

  "Jasper," he whispered.

  Another kiss, but that time his lips lingered over my skin.

  "Tell me you want to meet up when we're both in London. Tell me this isn't over."

  I sagged against him and let out a shaky laugh. His hold on me tightened. "Of course I do. The last thing I want is for this to be over."

  The smile Tamal gave me when he lifted his head equalled the intensity of the sun.

  "Thank God."

  Then he sealed his lips over mine, no more words needed.

  "Text me when you arrive back in London. And I'll let you know when I get back."

  I nodded as my throat closed up, which was ridiculous. I'd see him again in a week or so.

  We reached the gates of the resort, and with another final kiss and another goodbye, he wandered down the beach towards the shack as I stared after him until he disappeared. My chest ached with the longing to chase after him. How could I miss him this much already?

  An hour later I was packed and ready to go, but not ready to leave at all. I met Lia in the lobby, and I could tell she wanted to grill me about what I'd been up to but refrained. By the time we reached the airport, the holiday already seemed like a distant memory, taking on a dream-like quality. After we checked in and were in the queue at the departure gate, I pulled my mobile out to switch it to flight mode and found a text from Tamal and smiled. It was gonna be a long week until I saw him again.

  Can't wait for a private yoga session in London with you ;) Maybe I'll even let you plow me! Wish I was there already x

  Chapter Ten

  Tamal

  WITH A final kiss I dragged myself away from Jasper before I did something crazy like drag him back home with me, but then he'd miss his flight. I strolled back down the beach towards my cabin and let my gaze follow the breaking waves. They were still as hypnotic to me after all the time away and they helped centre me. I needed to channel the emotions Jasper had created into a positive energy for my class. I missed him already, knowing I wouldn't get to hold his hand as we meandered along the beach. Wouldn't get to show him my favourite part of the island and swim beneath the falls with him.

  I unlocked the cabin door only to see shadows of Jasper everywhere: in downward dog on the floor, on the chest of drawers, wrapped up in my bed around me. Heat rushed through me but then my phone pinged with a text. Stupid hope surged, it was unlikely to be Jasper. And it wasn't, just Kai asking me to drop into reception after my class. I switched over to the string of texts I thought I'd been sending to Kieran but knew now had been Jasper. A rush of gratitude tugged at my lips. If not for the mix up with phone numbers, which I still didn't understand how I ended up with his number, I'd never have met Jasper. I'd have to ask Kai about that later; she was the one who gave me the number. Although the universe would have stepped in somehow. No way were we not meant to meet. I tapped out a text to him to hopefully make him smile. I really did wish I was back in London already.

  Setting my phone down on the chest of drawers I trailed my fingers along the wooden surface. I'd had hookups before but never in the cabin. Then again, Jasper hadn't felt like a hookup from the start.

  The cabin door burst open, smacking against the wooden wall. At the loud crash I turned on my heel. "Mom?" She never ventured down here to see me, but she rushed over to me and grabbed hold of my arm.

  "It's your tutu."

  No. He couldn't be—

  "We need to leave now."

  Okay, so, not— "Just let me grab a few things."

  "Hurry, Tamal. They're all waiting for us on the boat." I strode across to my bed and grabbed up a rucksack to toss in a few items of clothing. "I have a class—"

  "I already told Kai to handle everything. Come on."

  Mom tugged my arm and dragged me out the door. I couldn't stop the feeling I'd forgotten something but hurried behind my mom. I'd visited him when I first got back home, but if there was a chance to see my grandad one last time I didn't want to miss it.

  On board, suspended on the netting above the sea, memories of the last ride on the boat flitted through my head. Jasper's wary look as I handed him a snorkel then got to help him. All my protective instincts had reared up. Our underwater kiss. Holding him afterwards right where I sat.

  But my thoughts darkened as they turned to my grandad. His deteriorating health had been the main reason for my visit that year. How could the world carry on without his existence? But the cancer wanted to take him no matter how hard he fought. Tilting my head into the wind I swiped away the trail of tears across my cheek before my mom noticed. We'd never really been close. Every spare moment my parents had was given over to running the hotel, and I'd spent my time with tutu. He'd been the one to raise me, the one I ran to with cuts and bruises, the first person I'd told about discovering my bisexuality. He hadn't even batted an eye. As long as I was happy, he didn't care. My mom, on the other hand, hadn't been impressed. Thought it was a choice I was making to piss her off. Didn't understand why if I could bring home 'a nice girl' I would choose not to. It was tutu who'd encouraged me to go travelling and put some distance between me and my parents. I stopped telling people my parents owned the hotel after one too many thought I could get them freebies or upgrades. I should have told Jasper, and the guilt scraped at the back of my throat.

  But then tutu's home came into view and all I could think of was seeing him again.

  I DRAGGED the chair as close as I could to the bed as his nurse left the room and gently clasped hold of his cool, papery hand. My throat closed up as the tears slipped free. I didn't even bother to wipe them away. "Tutu." My voice cracked as the emotion escaped with that one word. "I'm sorry. I should have come back to visit more often. Should have told you how much I love you. Should have thanked you for everything you've done for me and helping me to live the life I want." I dropped my head to his arm, hiding, and as I took a shuddery breath all I could think was he didn't smell like the tutu I remembered.

  That night as I tried to force some food down, not for the first time I wished Jasper were still on the island. Wished I could hide away in my cabin with him. Wished I could take him in my arms and pretend none of this was happening. I wondered where he'd be: the US or somewhere over the North Atlantic? I checked my shorts pockets but came up empty. I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen my mobile. Glancing around the room, there was no sight of it, so I wandered into the guest room I'd be sleeping in. Upended my rucksack but nothing but clothes littered the bed. I closed my eyes at the remembered touch of wood beneath my fingers and the ghost of Jaspers presence. My eyes opened with the realisation my phone was back in my cabin. Never mind holding Jasper, I couldn't even talk to him, share my grief. Cold swept over my body. My tutu lay dying next door, and I had no way to contact Jasper. My chest tightened, and I buried my hands in my hair. Loneliness like never before washed over me and stole my breath as I sank onto the bed.

  Part II - London

  Chapter Eleven

  AS I stepped outside the drizzle coated my face in a fine film, and I flicked the collar of my coat up, tucked my head down, and hurried toward Victoria tube station. Had it really only been a week since I'd been in shorts and T-shirt instead of a coat? With the grey sky and throng of people crowding the entrance to the station, Hawaii could have been nothing more than a dream. I slapped my Oyster card against the reader and shoved through the turnstile. The beeping of closing doors had me leaping onto the waiting train, the door brushing closed behind me. I grabbed hold of the overhead rail, trying not to aim my armpit in the face of the woman standing beside me. I swayed with the motion of the train, and as always when I didn't have any distractions, my thoughts strayed to Tamal. Seven days since I'd left him back in Hawaii. Seven days since his last text. Seven days of wondering if I'd ever hear from him again. The whoosh of the doors opening behind me dragged me out of my musings. A tinny voice announced Euston over the speakers and I hopped off, making a dash for the train departing for Hemel Hempstead in five minutes. With no spare seats, I stood in the doorway, thankful the journey only took thirty minutes most days.

  By the time I got home, greeted by an empty driveway, I assumed my parents were out for the night. Letting myself into the room over their garage, I dragged my phone out of my pocket then kicked the door closed behind me. For the thousandth time that day I checked for a message, but clearly, Tamal was too busy...enjoying himself. Probably giving out private yoga sessions. I tossed my phone onto the console table, along with my keys and wallet, then toed off my shoes.

  Half an hour later, with a bowl of warmed up leftovers, I sat in front of the TV on the sofa. The program not interesting enough to stop my attention from wandering. Wondering what Tamal could be doing. If he'd even thought about me since I left. But that last day on the beach as we said goodbye, as he fervently asked if we'd see each other again in London, I'd thought he was as keen as me.

  Maybe Sam was right. Maybe I had become boring. Maybe I did need to change if I didn't want to spend the rest of my life sitting on the sofa in front of the television eating leftovers alone.

  The alert of an incoming text made me jump, and I almost leaped off the sofa in my haste to grab my mobile. The text flashed across the screen as I unlocked it and, disappointed, I slumped against the wall. Not from Tamal. I should have known by now it wouldn't be him.

  Boys night tomorrow. No arguments. Not seen your ugly mug since you got back.

  Tom. He'd been my best friend since we started high school together and the first person I came out to. Well, sort of. Tom said he'd already guessed, so it didn't count, but whatever. So, I was torn between wanting to see him and preferring to stay home with my own pity party because Tom would know something was up. Fuck it. I couldn't imagine Tamal sat home alone pining for me. Not that I was pining for him. Nope, definitely no pining going on here. Before I could change my mind, I typed out a text and sent it.

  Saturday night boy's night. Saturday night on the pull. Shouldn't I be more excited about that thought?

  I SLID the bacon under the grill and gave the pancake batter a quick mix before pouring the first one into the pan. Leaving it to crisp up a bit I poured the scrambled eggs into another pan the oil had already heated and flipped the pancake then checked on the bacon. Only when I started to plate everything up did I realise I'd made enough for my whole family when there was only me. The smell of all the foods mixing together made me feel sick, and I pushed the plate away as my earlier hunger vanished. I took a photo of the breakfast, knowing my Instagram followers would appreciate the post on Sunday morning. And I suspected I might need a full English in the morning if the evening was going to be as messy as I expected. Tom never did things by halves.

  My phone vibrated across the countertop, and I grabbed it up. Still not Tamal. Just Tom checking I hadn't changed my mind. I shot him a text to let him know I'd be there then flicked over to the message thread with Tamal. Still no reply. Still no read receipt. Still not giving in and sending him another bloody text. With a frustrated sigh, I switched the phone off and headed for the bedroom. I had a boys' night out to get ready for. And I refused not to have a good time.

  The way I'd been acting with Tamal... I shoved a hand through my hair and tugged until it hurt. It reminded me way too much of how I was with Sam. I refused to wait around like a fool for Tamal. I could take a fucking hint. Tonight, I would forget about Sam, forget about Tamal, forget about everything except having a little fun and pulling a guy who was interested in nothing more than a bit of action.

  FUCK, THE club was not fun. Too many sweaty bodies pressed against me, the music thumping, and that last shot had my stomach swirling with regret.

  "I need a breather. I'll be back in a minute," I yelled in Tom's ear over the pumping bass line, and he nodded in response. I pushed my way through the crowd and headed for the doors and some much needed fresh air. The door swung shut behind me and drowned out the music and cheers to leave my ears buzzing. The fresh night air blew across my sweaty skin, carrying the scents of the city: exhaust fumes, rubbish, and the cloying smell of alcohol, that one coming mostly from me. The buzzing started again, and I realised it wasn't my ears but my phone.

  The message, slightly blurred, didn't make sense. I squinted and tilted my head to focus on the letters. I knew I'd had too much to drink, but I didn't imagine the text from Tamal. A dopey grin lifted my lips. Tamal had texted me. But as I reread the message my smile disappeared, and I suddenly felt a whole lot more sober. Fuck, his grandfather died while I was busy thinking up all kinds of shitty scenarios. I didn't even know he had family out in Hawaii. I thought he'd said he was on a working holiday – he never mentioned family, did he? But that made sense, he'd said he lived there until he went travelling. I kept reading as Tamal explained he'd forgotten his phone in their hurry to leave for the island where his grandfather lived. And there, right at the end, he'd written what'd I hoped for:

  On my way back to London.

  I slowly typed out a reply, my fingers not quite cooperating.

  I'm so sorry to hear about your grandad. Safe travels, & I would love to see you when you get back.

  I hit send, the goofy grin in place again as I headed back inside the club. Tom wrapped an arm around my shoulders and dragged me towards the bar, but I'd had more than enough to drink for the week, never mind the night.

  "You don't look like someone killed a puppy anymore. Did you pull?"

  I shook my head and grimaced a little at his choice of words. "You know the guy I told you about?"

  Tom nodded and waved his bottle at the bartender as he approached us.

  "Well, he finally texted me back. Long story short, he forgot his phone, but he's on his way back to London and wants to meet up."

  Tom arched an eyebrow in disbelief at me. "Really, Jasp. That doesn't sound like a line to you? He forgot his phone."

  "Really. His grandfather died, and in his rush to go see him, he forgot his phone."

  His eyebrow lowered, but he rested his hands on my shoulders. "Fine, but just be careful. I'm not sure you should trust this guy. I don't want you to get hurt again."

  I knew Tom was only trying to look out for me, so I tamped down the flash of anger on Tamal's behalf. "He's nothing like Sam. He's thoughtful and sweet…" Memories of Tamal worrying about taking advantage of me that first night came to mind. The way he twined our fingers together as we meandered along the beach. Insisting on paying for dinner at the fish restaurant. Taking me out on the boat-mansion but packing lunch for us. That kiss under the water—I'd never forget that and the feeling of us being the only two people that existed. No, he was nothing like Sam. Nothing at all.

  Chapter Twelve

  SUNDAY PASSED in a blur of text swapping with Tamal and an attempt at keeping myself occupied in the form of a shepherd's pie. I posted each step of making it on Instagram, and my followers loved the posts, especially the finished article with fluffy mashed potato the peaks of which had gone crusty in the oven.

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8