Imogen obviously, p.7
Imogen, Obviously, page 7
“Scott, you should definitely touch it,” says Tessa. “I don’t think you can really understand the sausage until you feel how warm and squishy it is—”
“I’m fine!”
Lili laughs. “You’d probably die if you opened it at this point. Like, I actually think just cracking the seal would release toxic death fumes into the air. Mika won’t go near it.”
“And he just brought it here?” I ask. “Like . . . as a souvenir from home?”
“God only knows what goes through that white boy’s head.”
I pause. “And how do you have it?”
“Because,” Tessa says, “they’ve turned it into a diabolical back-and-forth revenge game.”
“Like hot potato,” chimes Lili.
Tessa beams. “Exactly. Like a fucked-up game of hot potato.”
Kayla nods. “So I’m in class yesterday, digging around my bag for my minty Life Savers—”
“They keep her from falling asleep in class,” Lili explains.
“That, and they’re delicious,” says Kayla. “Anyway, I find the roll and eat one, but I’m still really tired, so I grab a second one. Then, right before class ends, I go for a third—and what do I find?” Kayla holds up the sandwich bag. “This fucker, rolled into the Life Savers wrapping with a couple of mints on either end. I actually threw up in my mouth when I saw it.”
“Which completely defeats the purpose of the breath mint!” adds Tessa.
Kayla dangles the corner of the bag between two fingers. “So now? Payback. I know my girl Tess is in.” She looks from Lili to me, her face deadly serious. “The only question is: Are you?”
Lili translates. “Imogen, would you like to hide a tiny sausage in Declan’s room?”
Suddenly, Kayla launches off the bed, drops to one knee, and holds the sausage aloft like a diamond ring.
What could I possibly say but yes?
Texts with Gretchen
GP: Detour!!! Getting lunch in Woodstock
GP: Have you been here? It’s cute!
IS: I have not, but that’s where my grandparents met!
GP: WHAT
GP: Like the actual festival??
IS: Yup!
GP: NO WAY
GP: WHY HAVE YOU NEVER MENTIONED THIS
GP: WHY HAVE I HEARD THE PANCAKE STORY NINETY MILLION TIMES
GP: BUT NOT THIS
IS: Haha idk!
GP: I can’t even process this info!!!!!!
GP: Wow
GP: Like what other secrets are you hiding??
GP: Other than
IS: See, now I don’t even want to tell you what I’m about to do with a tiny German sausage
GP: IMOGEN
GP: What are you about to do
GP: With a tiny German sausage
GP: ????
13
Kayla lays out the mission in urgent, hushed tones. “He just left for the painting studios,” she says, “and Lili’s friend Clara lives on his hall—she’s gonna let us in, so we don’t have to try to figure out the tunnels. Which is great, because I don’t fuck around underground.”
“That’s actually my favorite Dr. Seuss book,” says Tessa. “I Don’t Fuck Around Underground.”
“I Don’t Fuck Around Underground, Said the Hound,” I add.
Lili looks up from her phone and blinks, shaking her head.
“Page one,” Tessa says. “‘I know this might astound, but I’m kind of tightly wound, and thus I don’t fuck around in the depths of underground,’ said the hound.”
“‘Because fucking around underground,’ the hound expounded, ‘is bound to make a sound,’” I say, without hesitation.
“So . . . whenever y’all are done with whatever the fuck that was,” Kayla says.
Lili taps her phone screen. “Okay! Clara just confirmed that Dec’s room is unlocked and open for business.”
“She picked the lock?” I ask. I don’t know if I should be scandalized or impressed.
Lili shrugs. “He probably left it open.”
“Can I just say that our timing is perfect? It’s supposed to rain tomorrow and then get chilly, and”—Kayla smiles fondly down at the sausage—“that’s right, little man. Guess who’s going straight into Declan’s winter gloves.”
“Right down into one of the fingers,” adds Tessa, “for a squishy surprise.”
I press my palm to my cheek. “This is a whole other level of gross.”
We step outside and barely make it ten feet into the courtyard before Kayla stops short, tugging Lili back by her sleeve. They both stand, frozen, for a moment, staring at one of the dorms—presumably Declan’s. A moment later, Lili raises her phone up to her mouth like it’s a walkie-talkie.
“Two professional spies in the making,” Tessa murmurs. “Such finesse.”
I laugh. “So how did you decide to align with Kayla over Declan?”
Tessa pauses, glancing briefly at Kayla and Lili, before leaning in closer. “I’m not aligned with Kayla,” she says quietly. “I’m aligned with chaos.”
I raise my eyebrows.
“I’m playing both sides. Neither of them has any idea. I’m actually the one who thought of the Life Savers thing.”
I shake my head, awestruck. “You are—”
“Absolutely!” Tessa interjects suddenly. Her eyes flick sideways as Kayla and Lili sidle back up. “Of course I can take a picture of you with the sausage!”
“You want a picture with the sausage?” Kayla looks at me strangely. “This sausage?”
“She does!” Tessa pats my shoulder, grins, and steps back a few feet, phone aloft.
“She definitely does,” Lili adds.
“If you say so.” Kayla shakes her head, takes the sausage bag out of her purse, and then peels the sides back, letting the sausage poke out like a banana.
I shoot Tessa a quick grimace—she smiles innocently back. Then, I carefully pluck the sausage out of the bag, pinching its plastic wrapping between my fingers like a claw machine.
I have never, ever seen Lili open her camera app this quickly.
“This is incredible,” says Tessa, voice threaded with laughter. She grins down at Lili’s phone screen while I pass the sausage back to Kayla. “Scott, oh man. Your expression in these.”
Lili holds her phone up. “I’m framing this.”
The photo’s zoomed close on my face, which I’m sure would make me self-conscious under any other circumstance. But everything about the expression is just so undeniably, hilariously me. Cheerful smile and panicked eyes, in brazen contradiction. I laugh. “Oh God.”
“A masterpiece,” says Tessa, meeting my gaze with a grin.
In the sunlight, her eyes are the exact color of acorns.
14
Clara ushers us in through the dorm’s front door with the subtlety of a Disney villain, before creeping back down the hall on her tiptoes. Kayla turns to face us. “We ready?”
Lili and I nod.
Tessa flashes a thumbs-up.
It’s eerily quiet for a Saturday—I guess everyone’s either grabbing lunch or still sleeping. Declan’s room is on the first floor, around the corner from the front entrance.
Kayla points at the 114 above his door. “Here we go.”
I nod without speaking—my heart’s beating so fast. The door creaks a little when Kayla opens it, and I almost jump out of my skin. She freezes in the doorway, peering around the dark space. “Coast is clear.”
Once we’re all inside, Kayla pulls the door shut behind us and flicks on the lights. “So here’s what we’re looking for.” She pulls her phone out, taps the screen a few times, and tilts it up to show us a photo.
Lili smiles. “I know her.”
In the picture, Lili and Declan are posed on either side of a snowman, and Declan’s waving at the camera. Kayla zooms in on his gloved hand. “Dark gray, kind of a thick material, and it bunches in at the wrist.”
“It’ll be the one that looks . . . like a glove,” Tessa adds.
“I mean, yeah.” Kayla lets out a quick laugh. “Okay! I’m gonna start checking coat pockets.”
I scan the room, suddenly struck by a pang of déjà vu—which makes no sense. Maybe it’s just that this whole room looks like a movie set. It’s a single, so it’s a little smaller than Lili’s, but there’s something so bright and open about the space. There’s a fake brick accent wall and an actual closet in back. All the art above his desk is framed and perfectly centered. And the books on his shelf are stripped down to their spines—all white hardcovers. Even the clutter on top of his dresser feels intentional: a pink paper peony, a short stack of moleskine notebooks, and—
A shoebox-sized, made-to-scale, painstakingly detailed replica of this bedroom.
“Wait—oh! I’ve seen this on TikTok.” I press a hand to my cheek. “This is, like—wow. Unbelievable in person.”
“Right? Dec and Mika did this one together. They’re both so sickeningly talented.” Lili settles onto the floor near his dresser, while Kayla repositions Declan’s peacoat over the back of his desk chair.
“Should we check the closet? I kind of just want to see Declan’s closet.” Tessa opens it slowly, glancing back over her shoulder at me. “Okay, Waldo queen. Work your magic.”
I nod slowly, taking in the space—small, but crisply organized with a bunch of stacked plastic drawer units. “Oh my God, it’s so neat,” Tessa says, shaking her head. “Okay, sorry, this level of cleanliness, but he’s holding on to that nasty rotten sausage? I don’t know, man. It’s giving serial killer.”
Kayla and Lili both laugh from across the room.
“I mean, if he’s palming it off on Kayla,” I point out, “he’s not technically holding on to it. Oh!”
Tessa’s eyes widen. “Did you find something?”
I crouch next to the drawers. “Look—tassels. Could be the end of a scarf?” I reach for my phone, snapping a quick picture.
“Ooh, good call. Never forget this moment,” says Tessa.
I laugh. “No, I mean, I want to be able to put it back exactly the same as we left it, right? With the drawer cracked a little like this, tassel hanging out . . .”
“Oh. Shit. You’re good—”
“FUCK,” Lili hisses, scrambling to her feet. “Clara just texted. He’s coming back. I don’t know why—fuck.”
“Get the light!” Kayla whispers.
“No time. Just hide!”
Tessa yanks the closet door shut, sinking to the floor beside me. For a moment, all I hear is frantic rustling and a few muttered curse words. But then, sure enough—
The door creaks open.
I quickly silence my phone—and Tessa mouths oh and does the same. She’s sitting so close, the act of slipping her phone back into her jeans makes our arms brush together.
My heart’s going a little bit haywire.
Outside: A few short footsteps. Then a pause. Then the creak of Declan’s bedframe.
Tessa turns to me incredulously. Is he gonna nap? she mouths, pantomiming sleep with prayer hands pressed to her cheek.
I shrug, palms tipped up.
Another low creak.
She shoots me a panic face, but it quickly breaks into a smile. I can barely catch my breath for a moment.
This closet
Is just
So small. She pokes my knee, and I let out a fake, noiseless gasp.
I poke her back.
She scrunches her nose at me.
A bubble of laughter rises up from my chest for no reason. But then Tessa clamps a hand over my mouth, and it makes something twist inside me.
The skin of her palm on my lips.
I keep hearing Gretchen’s voice in my head.
She’s actually so hot??
Is Tessa hot? I never know how hotness gets decided. Or where it stands in relation to cuteness. Or sexiness. Or beauty in general.
A door opens and shuts, and Tessa pulls her hand back with a start. For a few interminable moments, we sit frozen in silence, ears cocked toward the door.
Then, at last, there’s more rustling and a single dull thud. “Hey,” Kayla says under her breath. “All clear.”
Tessa opens the door a crack—then opens it all the way to find Kayla, shaking her head and looking vaguely shell-shocked. Lili army-crawls out from under the bed, settling in beside her.
“Were you both under there?” Tessa asks.
“Oh yes. And our boy’s hand?” Kayla exhales. “Two inches from my face.”
“Needed his phone charger, apparently,” adds Lili. She shoots me a wry smile. “Exciting first mission?”
Declan’s gloves are, in fact, in the scarf drawer, which makes Kayla sigh in relief. Lili shoves the sausage into the glove’s middle finger, and we try to match my photo when we put everything back. But once the sausage is in, we don’t linger—I think we’re all still a little flustered.
Kayla splits off, heading to her own dorm, and I end up sort of drifting behind Tessa and Lili. They’re talking about some party they went to at Rainbow Manor. Or a future party they’re planning to go to. I can’t focus long enough to figure out which.
I guess my brain’s still in Declan’s closet.
How do I explain the part where Tessa’s smile made my chest hurt?
Or when she covered my mouth with her hand and I sort of wanted to kiss it.
It’s like scrolling through someone else’s pictures, catching a glimpse of yourself in the background. That sudden jolt of hold on, wait, go back!
Was that me?
Texts with Gretchen
GP: Hello hi I would like an update on the situation
GP: Was it fun
GP: Was it wrapped
IS: Definitely wrapped
IS:
GP: Oh my god, your face
GP:
GP: This is my new favorite Imogen picture
GP: You and your tiny German sausage
IS: Thank you, it was very tiny
IS: Have you guys made it to Vassar yet?!
GP: Pulling in now!!!
GP: Slightly freaking out bc they just emailed me that the girl who was supposed to host me had to leave campus suddenly for a family emergency
GP: (Per her tiktok, the “emergency” appears to be the Wallows performing in Albany)
IS: Oh no! Wait—what are you going to do?
GP: I mean tonight I have to stay in the hotel with Mama P
GP: They’re going to try to find someone else for tomorrow though
GP: It just sucks because I can’t really go out if I’m staying with my mom, and then there probably won’t even be any parties tomorrow because Sunday
IS: I’m sorry
GP: Tbh I’m concerned about the integrity of my pros/cons lists when I’m not even getting the full dorm experience
IS: Yeah but what if you went to a party and it was the worst, and then you just assumed parties at Vassar suck in general
GP: True true good point
GP: Haha imagine the Worst Party
GP: We have to plan it
IS: Oh definitely
IS: Okay
IS: The menu: fish and only fish
IS: The guest list: literally only those guys from men’s rights forums who talk about getting cucked
GP: YES!!!!
GP: Just a bunch of incels from the manosphere, hangin’ around the fish table, rating hott girlz on a scale from one to ten
IS: The music: Kid Rock deep cuts
IS: Dental office lighting
GP: And creepy baby dolls on display
GP: With human teeth
IS: I hate this party so much
GP: I could check no on a billion RSVP cards
GP: and it wouldn’t be enough
15
By sunset, we’ve all claimed prime spots on Lili’s floor—Declan, Mika, and Kayla with their backs against one bed; Lili, me, and Tessa against the other. Lili turned the overhead lights off, leaving only the hazy glow from a trio of lamps. In the background, we’ve got Mitski’s new album streaming faintly through Declan’s fancy mini Bluetooth speakers. It’s as cozy as a slumber party, down to the not-quite-empty pizza box in the center of the room. Turns out, you can buy whole pizzas downstairs—Lili’s dorm has a late-night snack bar.
I’m working my way through the pair of crusts I’ve saved for last, while Tessa leans closer, holding her phone out in front of me. “Full-paragraph comment. Every single TikTok.” She pauses to grin up at Mika. “I love your parents so much.”
Mika smiles a little. “I went home for break, and they’d printed a bunch of screen grabs to display on the fridge. Right next to the Christmas cards. And they printed out Jade’s top nine Instagram collage post. How do they even find this stuff?”
“Is Jade your sister?” I ask.
“Ex-girlfriend. My parents are slightly obsessed with her.”
I press a fist to my mouth. “Oh no . . .”
“No, it’s fine! We’re best friends. We grew up together—like, we still talk literally every day. And she’s at Cornell, so we get to visit a lot. I’m pretty sure my parents think we’re still secretly dating?”
Kayla laughs. “Mika, everyone thinks you’re secretly dating.”
“And you all have beautiful imaginations.” Mika scoots forward to grab another pizza slice.
“Okay, for real,” Tessa says, “it’s pretty amazing that you and Jade still get along that well. Same with you two.” She looks from Lili to me. “Just the fact that an overnight trip with your ex was even on the table.”
“I have sleepovers with my exes,” says Declan.
Kayla rolls her eyes. “Not that kind of sleepover, Don Juan.”
I hug my knees to my chest, feeling the tips of my cheeks go warm. “Yeah, it’s—you know. It’s been totally fine.”
Lili shoots me a quick, awkward smile. “Right. Definitely.”
“Oh man,” says Tessa. “I tried the friendship thing with Jillian, and it worked for a little while. But it got weird when she started dating someone.”
“I get that,” I say.
“Not because I was jealous,” Tessa adds quickly. “It was just awkward. Like, she’d mention her new girlfriend all the time, but she did it in this back-off-Tess kind of way. Like I’m about to make a move? Come on.”
