Study break, p.5
Study Break, page 5
I’m frozen for a moment, and then—maybe to keep my throat from closing and the tears at bay, or maybe because it’s fucking time—I snap. “They didn’t ‘hand me a brochure,’” I tell her. “I found them on my own. I wanted to join JVP. And what do I want you to say? Oh, I don’t know, that you’re happy I found a Jewish community that actually cares about me? That you’re glad I’m taking our faith seriously?”
She sighs and sits on a bench nearby, one lining the now empty path along the quad. “This is hard for me too, you know.” I wait for her to collect her thoughts. “I am happy that you’ve found a Jewish community, Fray, but does it have to be this one?”
I shake my head. “Honestly, Mom? Yes. I’ve never loved being a Jew as much as when I’m with them. You were the one who taught me that Judaism is a religion of questions, of questioning.” I take a breath. “So why are you so surprised that I questioned the beliefs we grew up with?” I think for a second about whether I’m going to say the next part, then decide that it’s worth it. That I have to get everything out. “It honestly feels so good to question the fact that I had to be some perfect Jewish girl, that I had to support Israel even though I’ve never been there, even though it’s nothing close to my homeland.”
“Frayda—”
“No, Mom. You know what? No. I’m not a good Jewish girl. I’m not a girl at all.” It’s out of my mouth before I know what I’m saying. I can’t look my mom in the eye as I continue. “I’m nonbinary. And I’m in JVP. And that’s not going to change just because you came here for Parents Weekend.”
She’s very, very quiet for a long while after that.
So am I.
Finally: “If that’s what you want.”
“What?” I ask, unsure if I heard her right.
“Okay,” she says, and when I look over at her, there are tears in her eyes. “I want you to be happy, Fray.” She sighs. “It’s what I always want, even if I don’t understand why you’re doing this.”
“You don’t have to understand, Mom.” I’m crying now. “But I wasn’t happy before. I really, really wasn’t.”
She pulls a tissue out of her purse. She thinks for a moment before handing it to me. “Are you happy now?”
I nod, because I am. Or something close to it.
“Okay, then,” she says. “I’ll try to be happy for you.”
So, that’s that. She pats my shoulder, hands me a twenty-dollar bill, and walks away.
And I’m left there, in the middle of the quad, a bit dazed. It’s not how I wanted that conversation to go, but it’s how it happened. I made it happen. Maybe she’ll never understand, but at least she knows that I’m not leaving JVP. That I found community, even if it doesn’t fit her standards.
After a few minutes, I get a call from Gali, and it takes all I have to pick up the phone.
“Where are you?” they ask, chatter and laughter in the background.
“On the quad,” I tell them. “My mom just left.”
“What are you doing out there, then?” they ask. “Come back to Rose’s. We miss you.”
I smile. “Be there in a minute.”
Without thinking, my legs carry me back to Rose’s suite, back to Jonah and my new friends, back to Gali.
Back to my community.
OCTOBER Fall Once More
By Aashna Avachat
Deepika Malhotra generally hated how noisy her next-door neighbors were.
“God,” she often said to her roommate, Meg. “I thought we decided to get off-campus apartments to be in a quieter part of town.”
Meg would always scoff. “It didn’t cross your mind that it would be way easier to throw parties off campus than in the dorms?”
It hadn’t, not really. Deepika didn’t really party. And that meant she forgot that other people did.
Anyway, Deepika mostly hated how her next-door neighbors broke the city noise ordinance every weekend, but this Friday night, she was secretly glad.
It was nine p.m., Meg had already left for fall break, and Deepika had been crying for the past hour and a half, so loudly that only her neighbors’ playlist could drown it out.
Ninety-eight minutes ago, Deepika scrolled on Instagram to find that her ex-boyfriend had posted a photo of him … and his new girlfriend going to her sorority date party. Deepika took one look at the photo and started sobbing.
Three weeks ago Jai had called Deepika to tell her he didn’t think things were working out. And now, just twenty-one days later, he’d upgraded his dating life. Meanwhile, Deepika was sitting on the futon in her cramped living room, totally, completely alone, bawling her eyes out.
She remembered the things he used to say. “I know most long-distance couples don’t make it through college, but we will,” he told her, before they left for college. “I’ll love you forever and always.”
Yeah, right.
It was all over now, over because Jai had had enough. And that, that, was particularly unfair. Because if it was anyone’s right to have had enough, it was Deepika’s. She was the one who’d trek across state lines to visit Jai at his college, because Jai was “too busy” to visit Milbridge and Deepika’s dorm was “too small.” It was Deepika who had to miss out on dorm socials on Saturdays because Jai insisted that Saturday nights were the only nights he was free to video call. It was Deepika who had to deal with Jai texting her one-word messages for days at a time because he “had his demons.”
It was Deepika who hadn’t really gotten to experience freshman year, because she thought the only person she needed to really focus on during college was Jai, so they’d make it beyond graduation. She hadn’t gotten to love Milbridge the way every other student here seemed to, the way they all made being in college such big parts of their identities, because she’d made Jai her whole identity. She should have been the one who had enough.
But noooo. Jai got to be the one who broke up with Deepika. And Jai got to be the one who won the break up too, already moving on to someone new.
Deepika let out a sob somewhere between a wail and a scream in frustration. She cradled a pint of melty ice cream in her hands. She’d tried calling Meg, but Meg was on a flight home. Deepika’s parents were vacationing for their anniversary this week—they’d taken nicely to being empty nesters—so Deepika was stuck at UMB by herself for break.
There was a knock at Deepika’s door, and she practically jumped out of her skin. Oh, god. The only thing that could make tonight worse would be a serial killer showing up at her door. And fate seemed to have it out for her lately. Deepika prayed silently that if she was murdered tonight, she’d at least end up on a true crime podcast.
Her fluffy pink blanket wrapped around her, tears and snot still caked on her face, ice cream still in her hands, Deepika walked up to her door and peered through the keyhole. There was a shadowy figure standing outside. Deepika had watched enough creepy movies to know she definitely, absolutely shouldn’t open the door. But she’d also watched enough creepy movies to know that the heroine always did anyway.
“Who is it?” she yelled through the door, because an axe murderer would surely identify themselves as such.
“Uh, Holden Flores, from next door?”
Deepika’s obnoxious, noisy neighbor was at her door? What, did he want to see if she had an extra speaker he could borrow to make his music even louder?
That’s when Deepika realized she couldn’t hear her neighbors’ music anymore. How long had it been quiet? Had they heard her scream?
Deepika’s fears were confirmed when the boy, Holden, called out again. “Are you okay? We just wanted to check if you were all right.”
We? Only Holden was outside.
“I volunteered as the messenger,” Holden said. “I have to report back that you’re doing okay, or they’re all going to start planning a rescue.”
Deepika wrenched open the door and stood in front of Holden with her blanket wrapped around her like a cape, her sticky, gross face forming a scowl. “I am perfectly okay, thank you,” she said, like a liar.
The light from Deepika’s apartment illuminated Holden. He was wearing a UMB crewneck with dark sweatpants, and his hair was damp like he’d just showered. He had on glasses, too, and he looked like someone she’d maybe seen around but hadn’t really noticed.
Holden took one look at Deepika and tried, unsuccessfully, to hide a smile. “You sure?” he asked, one side of his mouth upturned.
Deepika was definitely noticing him now.
“I just … watched a sad movie,” Deepika said.
Holden didn’t seem convinced. “Okay,” he said anyway. “Well, if you ever want to watch a sad movie with a bigger group, we’re just next door.”
“I know,” Deepika said, despite herself. “With the way you blast your music, it’s clear you don’t want anyone forgetting you live next door.”
Holden made a funny noise, like a surprised laugh. “That loud, but we could still hear you over it, huh?”
Deepika frowned and wrapped her blanket tighter around her. “Did you come here just to be rude?”
“No, no, sorry,” Holden said, twisting his lips into a smile. “Are you sticking around all week?” Deepika nodded, and Holden seemed pleased. “Same here,” he said. “My friends and I live too far away to really justify the travel expenses. Like, different time zone far.”
Why was he telling Deepika all this? All she wanted to do was go back to her couch and resume her crying for the evening, and now there was a nosy neighbor trying to make conversation. A nosy attractive neighbor.
“My point is,” Holden said, like he’d read Deepika’s mind. “You should come by sometime. We do movie nights, play games.”
“Listen to music?” Deepika cut in.
His smile widened. “Yeah. You’re welcome to come. Even tonight. If you want?”
Deepika didn’t need her random neighbor’s pity. She pressed her lips together. “Thanks, but no. I, uh—I have things to do.”
If Holden didn’t believe her, he didn’t say anything, just raised his eyebrows. “Okay,” he said. “Well, good night.”
As he turned to leave, something came over Deepika. “Wait,” she called, and he paused, turning back to her. “Deepika,” she said.
He stared at her, and she realized she probably sounded like she had half a brain cell.
“My name’s Deepika,” she explained lamely.
Holden smiled. “It’s nice to meet you. Maybe we’ll see each other in the laundry room, or something.”
Deepika managed a smile back. “The mail room even, if I’m feeling adventurous.” She held up a hand to wave. “Thanks for checking on me. And for not being an axe murderer.”
Holden’s eyebrows wrinkled.
Deepika stepped back into her apartment. “Good night!”
* * *
The next morning, Deepika marched over to Holden’s apartment, ready to give her neighbors a piece of her mind.
Their music had woken her up instead of her alarm, yet again.
Ugh. Couldn’t they just let her suffer in peace?
All she wanted to do was cry in front of the television, eat even more ice cream out of the pint, and draft petty subtweets before deleting them. #Thriving and whatever.
She hated that Holden and his friends had so much energy, while she was stuck feeling sorry for herself.
Their door, number 107, was open just slightly, which explained why the music felt especially loud. She peeked through the crack and saw a small group of people in UMB’s deep red and dark gold, laughing as they placed some type of colorful cards on their coffee table, taking turns. In the sunlight, she could make out Holden, with his back to her.
It looked like they were having fun.
It made Deepika step back. Her chest squeezed with a certain want. They looked like real, actual college students, enjoying their break from classes. Deepika was still the same as her high school self, only now without Jai. And she didn’t even know where that left her. Who that left her. She thought of Jai, probably fast asleep after his night out, dancing and socializing.
Didn’t she deserve to have some fun, too?
The thought stilled her, and she raised her arm again to knock, this time out of want instead of anger.
Holden opened the door before she could. “Hey,” he said. “I thought I heard some rustling out here.”
Sunlight flattered Holden. His brown eyes seemed golden, and his dark hair curled around his forehead, dropping close to his eyebrows. His glasses were just a touch crooked, like he’d leaned his head on his elbow, and Deepika had the funny urge to reach out and fix them.
Deepika felt suddenly embarrassed. Holden had said she was welcome any time, but what if he was just being polite? But she was here now. She had to commit. “Hi,” she said. “I was … wondering if I could join you all for … whatever it is you’re doing.”
Holden’s eyes brightened. “We’re playing some games before we get ready to go out. It’s game day, against CLU?”
Right. Football season. Another thing Deepika had barely paid attention to, in high school or in college. Jai had never been into sports.
“You like sports?” Deepika asked, studying Holden’s frame. He didn’t seem athletic.
Holden grinned. “I like cheering. Come on in. You should meet everyone.”
Holden’s apartment was the same size as Deepika and Meg’s, but it looked totally different. While Deepika and Meg had opted to decorate their walls with cute neon signs in cursive and Polaroid collages, Holden and his roommate had covered theirs in prints, from movie posters to maps to postcards. The furniture was all mismatched too, and Deepika was sure she’d seen their couch on the UMB Free & For Sale Facebook page.
Holden introduced Deepika to his group of people: “This is Hari, my roommate. Yujin, my best friend from high school—he also goes to UMB—Eliza, she’s a junior, even though practically all of us in this building are sophomores, and Jonah—they’re in Enviro Club with me and Yujin, and they’re also on the board at JVP, the Jewish Voices for Peace club. Eliza used to be in Enviro Club with us too, for like, a second, but she dropped out when she met her Kappa Zeta Epsilon boyfriend.”
Deepika tried to follow what Holden was saying. Five smiling faces looked back at her.
“What are you all doing?” Deepika asked, gesturing at the cards on the coffee table.
“It’s called Exploding Kittens,” Eliza said. “We’re leaving for the game in ten, but we can play another round. You wanna join?”
* * *
Deepika had always considered herself a staunch introvert, and one day at UMB’s football stadium wasn’t going to change that, but what it was going to do was make Deepika realize that she could both be an introvert and love cheering.
Cheering at faraway football players was the best way for an introvert to be energetic in public. There was technically no human interaction. Deepika was just there, with other people, in the same place. It wasn’t like the football players were cheering back, or asking her what classes she was taking.
Holden didn’t ask about that either.
“Do you want a hot dog?” he asked instead, fifteen minutes into the game.
Something happened on the field, a touchdown, maybe, and the UMB side broke out into cheers. Clearly a lot of students had stayed back for the game. UMB didn’t have the world’s best athletics, but it had some serious fans. Deepika felt the crowd’s energy rush through her, and she beamed at Holden. “Yes, please.”
Then, at halftime, while his friends cheered for the marching band: “Want to share some cotton candy?”
Holden had already bought it, so Deepika nodded. They picked at the spun sugar until their teeth turned teal.
Deepika looked at Holden during the fourth quarter. His temples were a little sweaty, and his nose was bright red from the sun, and he had the hugest smile on his face as he yelled at the field. “Referee!” he shouted, and his friends did the same.
Holden caught Deepika staring, and he raised an eyebrow.
“I got dumped,” Deepika blurted, out of nowhere. She felt, for some reason, that she needed to explain why he’d found her in such a state last night.
Holden’s expression softened. “Oh,” he said.
“Three weeks ago,” Deepika added.
Holden pressed his lips together, eyebrows going up. “Ah.”
“I went on a date,” she confessed. “After it all happened. Off of Hinge. It went terribly. He talked about his poli sci class the entire time.”
Holden’s lips quirked like he was amused, and Deepika laughed for a second, before frowning. “I don’t know,” she said. “The guy who dumped me wasn’t right for me, and I should be better off without the relationship, but god, it sucks seeing him happy and growing while I’m still the same me. Yesterday was hard. I just felt so, so horribly alone.” She glanced up at Holden, to see that his face had gone serious. He was so expressive, this boy. He could say nothing, and his face gave everything away.
“I’m glad you’re here now, with us.” The football crowd started doing the wave, and Holden lifted his arms up when it reached him, then turned back to Deepika.
“And look. You’re here with everyone.”
Deepika looked out at the sea of burgundy and gold, then down at her shirt to notice she was sporting UMB colors, too. Maybe being here could replace the part of her that had defined herself as Jai’s girlfriend. She was Deepika, a UMB student. This was more central to who she was. She just hadn’t gotten to really experience it yet.
“These are your people,” Holden said, smiling. “A whole team, and even more fans.”
There was another touchdown, maybe from the other side, but Deepika and Holden started shouting and cheering anyway.
* * *
Two days later, Deepika found herself sitting in her XL twin bed, scrolling through Hinge.
She’d stopped trying after that awful first date, but spending time with Holden and his friends had given her hope for the UMB student population.
