The hawthorne brothers a.., p.31
The Hawthorne Brothers: A Complete Billionaire Romance Collection, page 31
“But you know what’s not amusing? Other people suffering because of your indecisiveness. Like your boss who doesn’t know what to do with you because you don’t like him yelling at you or buying you coffee.”
“That’s…”
“Or the man you danced with at that club and kissed passionately and then abandoned like a shoe that no longer fit.”
There. I’ve said it. I wasn’t really planning on bringing it up, but I guess I just can’t keep it in any longer.
Regardless of whether Violet is being a cocktease on purpose or just plain indecisive, what she’s doing is wrong. It’s about time she got a scolding.
And she does look like a child that’s just been scolded. Guilty. Penitent. She’s not going to cry, is she? Because this time, I’m not going to let her off easy even if she does. Tears are for babies. When you’re a grown-up and you’ve done something wrong, you try to make it right.
She can’t keep going like this. She has to make up her mind.
She draws another deep breath. “I’m sorry… for leaving you at the club like that.”
I say nothing because an apology isn’t enough. There has to be more.
“If you want to go back to yelling at me again, that’s fine. I’ll live with it.”
I shake my head. “No.”
Violet’s eyebrows arch.
“I’m not going to decide what to do next,” I explain to her. “In fact, I’m not going to do anything. You decide, Violet. If you don’t want anything to do with me, all you have to do is stay away from me. Move out of The Mistral. Find another job. Go back to Switzerland and you’ll never have to see me again. But if you do want me the same way I want you—and I think you do—you know where to find me. I won’t ask you any questions. I won’t expect anything. I’ll just be waiting. But not forever. God knows I’ve been patient long enough.”
For a moment, Violet stays still, silent. Then she parts her lips as if to say something, but no words come out. She closes her mouth again as she fidgets with the hem of her blouse.
Now, she really looks at a loss.
I clear my throat. “You can go now, Ms. Cleary.”
She leaves, but I can sense her confusion lingering in the air. Well, that’s not my problem. It’s hers. She’s the only one who can sort out her own feelings.
The ball is in her court now. All I have to do is sit here and wait for her to make her move.
I tap my fingers on my desk.
What are you going to do, Violet?
Chapter Twelve
Violet
I don’t know what to do.
It’s been three days since I had that conversation with Asher and I still haven’t made up my mind, which basically means I’ve been living in hell these past few days.
I can’t sleep. I can’t focus. Whenever I’m sitting down, I find myself adrift. It doesn’t matter whether I’m watching TV at home, at a meeting here at work, or behind my desk trying to read something on my computer screen. Or eating. My mind just escapes from me to go on its own quest and my body goes on autopilot, like sleepwalking except you’re awake.
In fact, that’s what just happened. Right now, I have half a turkey sandwich in my hand and I can’t even remember eating the other half. My mouth just bites and chews. I can’t even taste the turkey. I don’t remember the taste of the quiche I had for breakfast either.
I set down the remaining half of my sandwich on my plate with a frown. I think I’ve just lost my appetite.
This is hell, alright. Then again, maybe not. When you’re in hell, at least you know you’re doomed. There’s nothing more you can do but suffer the consequences of your actions, your choices. I haven’t done anything yet. I haven’t made my choice. So I’m in limbo. I’m still waiting for my judgment, judgment that I have to pass on myself.
I have the power to choose between heaven and hell, except my choices aren’t that clear cut. If they were, I wouldn’t still be torturing myself. My choices are to leave Asher and never look back—or stay and give in to what he wants, what he says we both want. Basically, it’s have sex with Asher or leave.
I don’t want to leave. I’ve already fallen in love with Chicago. I’ve already grown used to my new job. So what then? Do I just have sex with Asher and stay?
It sounds so simple, but it’s not. I don’t take sex lightly. I don’t just do it with anyone. And I think Asher knows that. That’s why he wants me to be the one to come to him. Well, that and the fact that the past few times he’s tried to get close to me, I’ve pushed him away.
If I’m the one who approaches him, I can’t push him away. I have to be all in, which is exactly what Asher wants. He thinks it’s what I want as well, but is it?
Do I want to have sex with Asher Hawthorne?
“Hey.” A voice breaks into my thoughts, forcing my mind to go back into my body.
I nearly jump. No one’s ever approached me in the office cafeteria before. And I definitely wasn’t expecting anyone to.
I turn my head to see who it could be and find a familiar-looking petite brunette. Now, where have I seen her before?
Oh, right. She’s the one from outside the bathroom, one of the friends of that auburn-haired woman who tried to pick a fight with me.
“I’m Michelle,” she introduces herself with a smile, a real one this time. “Mind if I sit?”
She doesn’t seem to have any evil intentions, plus she’s carrying a full tray of food that she looks like she might drop at any moment, so I nod.
As she puts her things down, I wonder what she might want from me. There must be something or she wouldn’t be sitting with me. As I glance around, I notice there are plenty of free tables and seats.
This is on purpose. The question is: What’s her purpose? Is she here to apologize? But she didn’t have to sit with me to do that. Is she going to offer to be my friend because maybe she’s realized I don’t have any and the ones she has aren’t so good? Or is she just here to talk to me about makeup? Or maybe ask me about work?
“You’re Violet, right? I think that’s a nice name. It’s my favorite color, actually.”
She shows me her purple nail polish.
“I see.”
So she’s here to show off her nails?
“I’m so sorry about what Linda did. Linda, she’s the woman who said nasty things to you.”
I guess it’s option one, then—she’s here to apologize on behalf of her friend. The question is: Should I accept her apology?
“I hope you’ll forgive her,” she goes on. “Asher Hawthorne is like a hero to her. She nearly got fired once when she was going through her divorce. It was Mr. Hawthorne who let her stay.”
“Really?”
I guess Asher is a nice boss.
“But of course it’s up to you if you want to forgive her. You’re not obliged. I actually hate it when people say sorry and then get mad at you when you don’t forgive them. I won’t. Get mad, I mean. I’m not forcing you to forgive her. I was just trying to explain why she acted that way. And no, she didn’t send me to make excuses for her or ask me to apologize for her. I just thought I would since, well, she does owe you an apology and she knows it but she’s a little scared to talk to you.”
Which makes Michelle a good friend, though maybe one who talks too much.
“She’s scared?” I ask.
She didn’t seem scared when she was talking to me.
“Believe it or not, it took Linda a lot of courage to say the things she did,” Michelle says.
Which I actually kind of admire, especially now that I know how hard it is to be honest.
Honest? Wait a sec. Doesn’t honesty require that you already know something? But I don’t know what I want yet. Or do I and I’m just refusing to admit it, just like Linda knows she owes me an apology but won’t give me one because she’s scared of me?
I’ve always been the kind of person to know what I want. I know myself well, which means I already know whether or not I want to sleep with Asher. I know. I’m just having a hard time accepting it because I’m dishonest.
Or scared. More of scared.
“Violet?” Michelle’s voice pulls me back to earth again.
“Sorry,” I mumble. “You can tell Linda it’s fine. I forgive her.”
Michelle’s eyes grow wide. “Really?”
I nod. She was only being honest, after all. Besides, I’m not one to hold grudges.
Except the ones against the two men who broke my heart.
“By the way, I really do love your lipstick,” Michelle says.
I take the tube out from my purse and hand it to her so she can take a look at it.
“That’s what I use. I bought it in Paris.”
“Paris?” Her eyes grow wide again. “You’ve been to Paris?”
“A few times.”
It was only four hours from Zurich by train, after all.
“Wow.” Michelle hands me the lipstick back. “Now I really want to be your friend.”
She does? Come to think of it, I could use a friend. Maybe if I had someone to share my mind with, it wouldn’t drift off so often.
“I’m a really good friend,” Michelle assures me. “I’ll even share my dessert with you.”
She pushes her slice of chocolate cake towards me.
I lift my hand. “No, thanks. I actually don’t like chocolate that much. I probably had too much of it when I was in Switzerland.”
“Too much? Wow. I’ve never heard of anyone who’s had too much chocolate.”
I have. During my first few months in Zurich, I tried every chocolate shop and bought every piece of chocolate available. Once, I even bought three boxes and finished them all in one sitting.
“You can have my juice instead.” Michelle offers me the unopened bottle.
I shake my head. “It’s fine. I have my water anyway.”
I take a sip from my bottle. She frowns.
I guess she really wants to give me something. She doesn’t have to, though. She can still be my friend.
I’m about to tell her that but she speaks first.
“Ask me anything, then.”
What?
“Ask me anything,” she repeats with an eager grin.
Okay. I draw a deep breath.
“If someone broke your heart once and you didn’t expect to see him again but you do and now he wants to have sex with you, would you say yes?”
Michelle’s eyebrows arch. “Whoa. I wasn’t expecting that.”
And I realize I’ve just said too much.
“It’s okay,” I tell her. “You can just forget…”
“Let’s see.” She touches her chin as her eyebrows crease. “How did he break your heart? Did he cheat on you?”
“Something like that.”
“Jerk. And how long ago was this?”
“A long time ago.”
“And now he wants to have sex with you? Like he told you he wants to have sex with you?”
I wish she wouldn’t keep saying ‘sex’. I know I said it first, but somehow it sounds weirder when she says it. And louder.
I glance around before answering. It’s a good thing there aren’t too many people around and no one nearby.
“Basically.”
Michelle nods. “Okay. So let me ask you this. Do you want to have sex with him?”
I look at her. Wow. She really gets straight to the point, doesn’t she?
I don’t answer. I think I know the answer, but I’m not ready to tell anyone yet.
“I’m not asking if you want to get back together with him. That’s not what he’s asking, right? I’m just asking if you want to have sex with the guy? Yes or no?”
I let out a breath and scratch the back of my head. Fine. I have to be honest at some point.
“Yes. But…”
“But you’re afraid he might take it as a sign that you’ve forgiven him. You’re afraid that he might think you want to get back together. Or that you might want to get back together because you might realize you’re still in love with him.”
Wow. Michelle really speaks her mind. In a lot of words. But I can’t really deny what she said.
Except the last part. I can’t still be in love with Asher because I was never in love with him. He didn’t give me a chance to be.
I can fall for him for sure this time, which I guess is what I don’t want to happen. What I’m afraid might happen. I don’t want to take the first step to my downfall.
Michelle grabs my hand. “You’re afraid because you think you’re not in control. But you can be. You can have sex with him and then decide, dictate even, that it’s just sex. It doesn’t have to mean anything, but in case it does end up meaning something, then you can decide whether to accept it or just forget about it. You can give him a second chance or you can walk away. You make that call, and whatever call you make, it’s okay.”
She does make sense, so much that I’m amazed. How can a person you’ve never talked to before put your thoughts and feelings into words when you’ve been struggling to do it for days? How is it that I didn’t know what to do but Michelle does?
“You know what I think?” Michelle asks.
“I’m listening.”
“I think you’re too serious, too hard on yourself. You think too much. Unnecessarily.”
True.
“If you want to do something, just do it. If it turns out to be good, be happy. If it turns out to be bad, walk away from it. Regret it if you must, but forgive yourself. Move on. Go do something else that you want.”
That simple, huh? Or maybe I’ve just really been overcomplicating things.
Michelle squeezes my hand. “Go and get some of that sex your sleazy ex owes you. For yourself. Not for him. We all need it every once in a while.”
She’s right. I haven’t had sex in a while. Maybe that’s why I had an orgasm while imagining Asher’s hands on me. Maybe that’s why I leaned against Asher on the dance floor. Maybe that’s why I kissed him back with tongue. That… and if I’m being completely honest, the fact that I was a little upset that Asher and I didn’t have sex in the gazebo that night.
I need to quench this thirst for sex and this curiosity about Asher, and it seems that Asher needs to quench his desire for me. Who knows? Maybe after we both fulfill each other’s needs, we can get over each other, move on from the past and just get along at work. Or maybe I’ll decide to leave and never look back.
At any rate, it will just be sex. No strings attached. No feelings. It will be just like a cleansing ritual, like how two people who resent each other yell at each other to feel better. But instead of yelling, we’ll be having sex.
It might just be the best thing for me and Asher.
Michelle sighs as she lets go of my hand. “I guess this means you and Asher Hawthorne really aren’t a thing.”
I pause. She was talking like she knew me so well that I almost forgot she didn’t know about me and Asher. I wonder how she’d react if she knew I was talking about him. But I guess there are things that are better kept even from your friends.
“No,” I tell her. “We aren’t.”
We’ll just have sex once and that’s it.
Michelle pouts. “Pity. If Asher Hawthorne asked me to have sex with him, I’d definitely say yes.”
I grin. That’s exactly what I’m going to do.
~
When I arrive at my apartment after work, I head straight to the shower to shave my legs. And my pubic hair. Then I shower. With a new floral-scented body wash. Thoroughly. Afterwards, I blow my hair dry and put on the lace panties and the satin chemise I just bought. I spray on a bit of my favorite perfume as well. Then I don my robe. The only problem I have is what shoes will go with it.
Should I just wear my bedroom slippers? Or do I put on my heels?
I opt for the latter and head down the hall. I take a few moments in front of the door to Asher’s apartment to gather my composure and mentally rehearse what I’m going to do.
Okay. So I’m going to ring the doorbell. Then when Asher opens the door, I’m going to give him a grin and pull on the sash of my robe so he can see what I’m wearing underneath. Hopefully, that will reveal my intentions without me having to say a single word and he’ll pull me into his arms and kiss me. If not, I’ll just kiss him first. And then we’ll take things from there.
I close my eyes and draw a deep breath. I can hear the alarm blaring inside my head telling me to back off while I have the chance, but I ignore it. I’ve already made up my mind about what I’m about to do, and this time, I’m going all the way.
I’m going to have sex with Asher.
I’m still scared, yes, but I’m also excited and looking forward to finally getting this over and done with. I’ve waited long enough.
I lift my hand to press the button for the doorbell. It rings. I feel a little disappointed when no one answers immediately, but I simply ring again. I hear footsteps coming from inside the apartment and my heart starts to pound. My fingers tremble slightly as they grip the sash of my robe.
Here we go.
I hear the door lock come undone and I hold my breath. The door opens and my heart stops.
It’s not Asher standing in the doorway but a woman with olive skin and long, coral red hair like a mermaid’s. Her eyelids are painted emerald, the same shade as the deceptively transparent lace dress clinging to her slender body.
For a moment, she stares at me with narrowed eyes like I’m a pest. Her full, scarlet lips form a pout. Then she slams the door in my face, so loud I barely hear my hopes and plans for the evening shattering in the aftermath.
I guess I’m not having sex with Asher tonight.
Chapter Thirteen
Asher
I thought Violet and I would have had sex by now.
These past few days, I’ve caught glimpses of her agonizing over the decision I asked her to make. Each time, I felt a combination of annoyance and pity. I wanted to just go over to her and put her out of her misery, out of both our miseries. But no. She has to be the one to make the move. I know what I want. She has to do the same.
Yesterday, when our eyes met and I saw a gleam in them I’d never seen before, when the corner of her mouth twitched ever so slightly, I thought she was finally ready to give in. I thought tonight would be our night.
